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Aesop's Shit Old Bollocks Stories

Started by Gregory Torso, July 10, 2018, 10:50:44 AM

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Gregory Torso

A young man was walking to the slag market when he saw an eagle getting absolutely knackered by a flock of crows. He shouted up at them, but the crows were just bursting this big eagle, and paid him no heed.

Suddenly, the lad gave fart. As he did so, he noted one of the crows broke off its attack and flew away, cawing "fuck's sake, mate".
This gave him an idea, and he started to rapid-fart, a quick score of bum notes, each one driving off another crow from its assault.

Unfortunately, the inevitable happened, and he shat himself, loudly and obviously.
The rest of the crows immediately ceased their assault and scattered, saying things like "oh God" and "he only bloody went and did it" and the like.

As the lad stood there in the road with his trousers ruined, the eagle alighted before him.
It hopped up to him, regarded him with its eye and then turned around.

"Go on, son" quoth the eagle. "Wipe yourself off on my back. Go on. Get really clean."
So the lad cleaned off his devil-pipe on the eagle's soft feathers, and once he was really clean, continued on his journey.

The eagle was never again bothered by crows, but the lad died of an infestation of "eagleized arse-mites".



pancreas


Ferris

What was the lesson for all the kids at Sunday school to learn? "Control thy farts"?

Ray Travez

There was once a wise old fox who lived in a... no wait, it wasn't a fox, it was a stoat. A fuckin' wise old stoat. Anyways, one day it was in the fuckin' nest, or whatever a stoat lives in. And this turtle goes by the nest. "Hey!" says, the turtle... no wait, it wasn't a stoat, it was a hare. A fuckin' hare, in his nest... and a tortoise. So... get this... the hare wants to FUCK the tortoise! He wants to stick his little bunny pe... no, a RACE... He wants to RACE the tortoise. I don't know why, he's fucking high or something. Anyway...

Mr Eggs

^The Tortoise masturbated over The Caramel Bunny and just sat down and waited.

The Hare ran around and thought he'd got lost but he was on speed and listening to The Residents.

Replies From View

Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on July 11, 2018, 03:48:26 AM
What was the lesson for all the kids at Sunday school to learn? "Control thy farts"?

Almost.  'Master thy Farts".