It's got to be plastic cheese. Hasn't it?

[Shit Good Nose]

As some of you know I'm a bit of a gastronome and I do like good quality food.  Equally I also quite happily chow down on (and I'm quick to acknowledge my unashamed like for) shitty food - filthy kebab and KFC?  Bring it the fuck on.

We had a BBQ at chez Nose last Saturday and I bought some very decent (and very expensive) steak burgers and some decent cheddar.  And you know what?  Despite being top quality steak burgers, they didn't taste right with slices of proper cheese.  It needed plastic cheese - y'know, the orange Kraft type.

I don't know what it is, but proper cheese never tastes right to me in a burger.  It always, ALWAYS, has to be plastic cheese.

[king_tubby]

Yeah, it really does. Preferably two slices.

[king_tubby]

And obviously, they won't melt properly on a bbq, so you need a chef's blow torch to get them to the correct gooey constituency.

[Norton Canes]

Those smoky Bavarian cheese slices, they're good.

[MojoJojo]

And obviously, they won't melt properly on a bbq, so you need a chef's blow torch to get them to the correct gooey constituency.

I'm pretty sure if you try this with proper plastic cheese, it catches fire.

[Blumf]

People keep on using the fuck-me-that's-mature cheddars, when you need a mellower variety for burgers. I'd use a Double Gloucester instead. If you want a strong flavour, then go for a blue cheese.

[Shit Good Nose]

the correct gooey constituency.

I think that's what it is, along with the unique flavour.  You can't replicate that gooey gluey mess with any proper cheese.

[Clownbaby]

Agree 100%

Also, I like and am pretty good at making a delish burger myself but I usually just prefer a McDonald's. There's something very unique about ya McDonald's double cheeseburger that can't be replicated

[BlodwynPig]

Unicorn burger with Elk cheese

[Wet Blanket]

Yeah I think burgers are resistant to wankifying. That crumbly bread, weird cheese, 90-day aged meat stuff they sell out of refitted antique vans at food festivals for seven quid a go aren't a patch on a standard filthy quarter pounder with processed cheese and nowt else.

On the other hand, McDonald's burgers are never anything but disappointing. Floppy ersatz burgers that don't fill you up but do make you shit through the eye of a needle.

[Shit Good Nose]

On the other hand, McDonald's burgers are never anything but disappointing. Floppy ersatz burgers that don't fill you up but do make you shit through the eye of a needle.

Totally agree - never been a fan of McDonalds, but it has nothing to do with the "urgh, shit food" factor (see my opening post), just simply don't like them.  Burger King is where it used to be at but they're a shadow of their former selves.  I don't know what happened, but about 10-12 years ago they went from decent flavoursome (flavorful for the Americans reading this) flame grilled burgers with decent crispy fries, to tasteless smaller burgers and sloppy soggy cold fries almost overnight.  I'm not even convinced they still flamegrill the burgers any more - you can't see where they cook them any more and there isn't that unmistakable flamegrill smell you used to get only in Burger King.  Now it smells of old grease, dirt and stale spunk.

As a sidenote whilst on the subject, has Burger King had a load of investment pulled from it in recent years?  McDonalds have done major overhauls on pretty much all of their restaurants and seem to have a spruce up every few years, whilst all the Burger Kings I've been to in the last few years seem to have gone back in time and turned into Wimpys.

[machotrouts]

the correct gooey constituency.

I believe Correct Gooey is MP for Vauxhall.

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

I don't know what it is, but proper cheese never tastes right to me in a burger.  It always, ALWAYS, has to be plastic cheese.

Fully agree. Also because this cheese is equal parts dairy and plastic, it can reach extremely high temperatures when used in a sandwich melt, removing the upper palate of your mouth.

[Shit Good Nose]

Fully agree. Also because this cheese is equal parts dairy and plastic, it can reach extremely high temperatures when used in a sandwich melt, removing the upper palate of your mouth.

Scientists have measure it to be hotter than the surface of the sun.

[ZoyzaSorris]

Surely plasticky real cheeses like your emmentals and stuff work well. Agree that this isnt the forte of your cornish quartzes and the like.

[Paul Calf]

[tag]Bird's Eye sack Steakhouse ad agency[/tag]

[steve98]

Here's a clever idea to get nervous wee ones onto plastic cheese. It's a mouse made from a Dairylea Triangle* (The ears look lile carrot slices but are actually hot dog slices).

*Or Laughing Cow.

EDIT: Sorry it's so big.

[Shit Good Nose]

Is that a boiled egg pig at the back?

[steve98]

Looks more like a cat to me (Pig's ears (sliced wieners) are floppy not erect).

EDIT: Apparently they're both mice.

[Shit Good Nose]

It's the flat nose that makes me think pig, but that could just as easily be the egg itself missing a bit of white from shelling.

[Ian Drunken Smurf]

I believe Correct Gooey is MP for Vauxhall.

+1 karma

[Sebastian Cobb]

Aye shite cheese is essential.

There's a taco bell here.

It's shit flavourless sludge with plastic American cheese but I can't help having one every now and then.

[Glebe]

Get crazy with the Cheez Whiz.

[Shit Good Nose]

Oohh, no, I draw the line at Cheez Whiz.

Mind you, the stuff that the Americans call "cheddar"...it's not fucking cheddar, it's more like Velveeta.  Which is basically plastic cheese in block form.  They CAN make half decent cheese, though.  But for whatever reason the only cheese you ever see in all these American cooking shows is shit stuff, even when they're making posh food.  I don't get it at all.

[TrenterPercenter]

It has to be said that even though a horrendous organisation that a literally destroying the planet but a McDonalds double cheeseburger is a wonderful thing. 


It has good plastic cheese in it.

[Nice Relaxing Poo]

Cheese slices are the only true choice for a burger, Americans have got that one right for sure. The only problem is they add that orange pretend cheese to every fucking dish they can in places like Applebees and Dennys. Steak and chips? Have some orange cheese mate. Omlette of any kind? yep cheeze is gratis, any kind of sandwich? as long as that sandwich has cheeze in it you're sorted.

https://www.dennys.com/food/

[Shit Good Nose]

Cheese slices are the only true choice for a burger, Americans have got that one right for sure. The only problem is they add that orange pretend cheese to every fucking dish they can in places like Applebees and Dennys. Steak and chips? Have some orange cheese mate. Omlette of any kind? yep cheeze is gratis, any kind of sandwich? as long as that sandwich has cheeze in it you're sorted.

See my point above RE what they call cheddar.

[biggytitbo]

Amazing to think, to this day, nobody really knows what cheese is isn't it? We know more about the far side of the moon than cheese believe it or not.

[mothman]

I'm not actually all that fussed about burgers. In a gastropub or whatever, if you see me order the burger it'll be because there's literally nothing else on the menu I want to eat. Though I do quite like GBK.

Every year, McDonalds do that Tastes of America thing. And they're all horrible, and really very samey. A couple of years back before I stopped going anywhere near these limited edition burgers, they did one that I was a bit insoired by. It was some Tex-Mex abomination, so probably called a New Mexico Stack or similar bullshit. But I did like the spicy cheese (perhaps Pepperjack? Is that a thing?) and it had nachos and guacamole in it; I've since included all these in homemade burgers done on the barbecue and it definitely worked.

[Shit Good Nose]

I'm not actually all that fussed about burgers. In a gastropub or whatever, if you see me order the burger it'll be because there's literally nothing else on the menu I want to eat. Though I do quite like GBK.

Every year, McDonalds do that Tastes of America thing. And they're all horrible, and really very samey. A couple of years back before I stopped going anywhere near these limited edition burgers, they did one that I was a bit insoired by. It was some Tex-Mex abomination, so probably called a New Mexico Stack or similar bullshit. But I did like the spicy cheese (perhaps Pepperjack? Is that a thing?) and it had nachos and guacamole in it; I've since included all these in homemade burgers done on the barbecue and it definitely worked.

1 - GBK?  Are you insane?  £400 for a bland burger and five fries?
2 - yes, pepperjack cheese is a thing.  If you are in America and/or eating something American and it contains spicy cheese, 9 times out of 10 it'll be pepperjack cheese.  You'd think the only cheese they have over there is "cheddar" (not cheddar), Velveeta (basically the same as their "cheddar" but more processed), "American cheese" (basically like Babybel, but milder, although just to confuse matters the orange processed stuff we're talking about in this thread is also referred to as American cheese), Mozzarella and Pepperjack.  And maybe Monterey Jack if you're having a pizza, although that seems to have fallen out of favour over there in recent years for some reason.