ghosts

[kittens]

unpleasant beings from between here & hell have invested a tremendous amount of time into learning how to be a real spooky bitch. now they are free and trembling around my workplace tipping things over and making me doubt myself. does anyone here have any experience with ghosts? i don't know if i should be polite to them or if that just makes it worse. i try to introduce myself and it pulls my trousers and pants off and pushes me over. harmless and playful now, but i'm scared it may take a darker tone like the weekend when the goblins came back. any advice?

[kittens]

a ghost just puked up inside my car. he put his fingers down his throat and deliberately made himself puke on the driver's seat.

[popcorn]

i try to introduce myself and it pulls my trousers and pants off

What you've got there, mate, is a bumghast.

[pancreas]

which can and will pwn you. Better get a piece of wood to bite down on.

[Spoon of Ploff]

sounds like what you've got there is real normal human people. they may seem invisible and/or blurry because your eyes have stopped working properly.

[popcorn]

which can and will pwn you. Better get a piece of wood to bite down on.

Pancreas, have you ever considered opening a bumghast control agency? You have more knowledge of them than most - at least most who survive.

[Glebe]

I got served by a ghost in Poundland once. Knobhead.

[pancreas]

Pancreas, have you ever considered opening a bumghast control agency? You have more knowledge of them than most - at least most who survive.

You're absolutely right.

[kittens]

never see a big fat ghost do you. yeah i know fatso from casper but that's like the one time you see a fat ghost. all the other times it's skinny victorian kids. just once i'd like to be haunted by someone i could mock for having a worse body than me.

[New Jack]

'They' say ghosts come back because they still have important work to do on earth.

I don't see what's so important about wandering a creaky old house. Why do they always haunt really boring, sometimes quite unpleasant places? Not to mention the people they haunt. Weird cranks and orange Scouse conmen. Where's the joie de morte?

If I can die (no proof yet) I hope more than anything I die on a beach on a warm sunny day. Sure, it might terrify the children to stumble upon my bloated, headless corpse, but the haunting would be quite enjoyable. I could get myself a ghost ice cream, or throw my detached head over the volleyball net as a ghost joke, or wear ghost sunglasses to perve at girls and, being a ghost, maybe pass through their bums.

And isn't that what death is really all about?

[Spoon of Ploff]

I thought i saw a ghost the other day but it turned out to be just a metaphor for all my hopes and dreams.

[Ferris]

Few too many threads about ghosts and frankingsteins and that just recently. Not that I mind of course, I have frankingstein friends and they are lovely people, never expect a free ride at our expense, just normal folk working hard (at dollarama) and getting by.

That said, I don't think a quota is unreasonable. HS Art for the HS Art-ers; what's so wrong with that? Sort it out CaB - if you don't address the concerns of ordinary H S Art-ers soon, you'll deal with the blowback at the ballot box.

[Gregory Torso]

I had a poltergheist once and it was gullible as fuck. "Oh please don't take my lawn mower out of the shed and cut my beautiful unkempt lawn grass!"
"Oh, these dishes in the sink, I like them there, it would be a disaster if they got moved into the cupboards in neat piles"
"I hope I never find the missing piece of this jigsaw"
Idiot.
It did the housework for ages until I accidentally exorcised it when I spilt a bottle of Tizer and said a Jesus word.

[petril]

I had a poltergeist once. He tidied up the flat. I ended up falling out with my flatmate and doing some gigs at Wembley. It was around this time my bullshitting tendencies started.

[Sgt. Duckie]

Was haunted by a poltergeist that was obsessed with Müller Fruit Corners. If I had any Müller Fruit Corners in the fridge it would peel their lids back and childishly make a mess of the yoghurt and fruit sections, and chuck the contents around the shelves. I decided to stop buying them and that is when all hell broke loose.


I would be woken in the night by the bed being violently shaken and a spectral voice whispering "delicious, creamy yoghurt...source of calcium...made with real fruit...no artificial colours, preservatives or sweeteners...suitable for vegetarians" .


The smell of peach and apricot permeated several areas of the flat.


If I had a soak in the bath, the lights and candles would go out, and in the steamy darkness the ghostly voice would hiss " Müller Fruit Corners allow you the freedom to mix it YOUR way wherever and whenever YOU want."


Eventually I realised I had to move out of that flat, leaving behind that crazy Müller Fruit Corner loving poltergeist forever.

[Ferris]

Had something similar at my old flat - I left a yakult in a pentagram and threw a load of salt into the air once the candles flickered, thus banishing the ghost forever. Good bacteria, begone!

There's instructional videos on youtube for everything these days. Ignorance is no excuse.