Hi IT

[New Jack]

Hi, this is Placebo Co. IT calling you back
Just letting you know it works now
Oh yeah we did loads, honest
It wasn't just you, no way mate
Anyway it's sorted so I'm closing your ticket

[Sebastian Cobb]

Hi IT,

I think telnet might be broken, I can't find a single Terry on there!

[New Jack]

Hi IT. Can you help facilities put a new door on the meeting room?

(Sadly real)

[New Jack]

Hey, is this IT?

Bit of a problem, guys. I was in my online banking and I've deleted all my money.

[New Jack]

Hi IT.

Can you send me Samantha's Greece holiday pics from Facebook? Ta

[DrGreggles]

Hi IT,
My email doesn't work.
Can you fix it?

(received via email)

[Delete Delete Delete]

Hi IT,
Could you see your way to lifting the porn filters for 30 seconds.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Hi IT,
My email doesn't work.
Can you fix it?

(received via email)

Can you test my email? I've not received any today and that's unusual, I'm very busy.

(the other week I never got any emails for several days because mac mail had fucked up its connection to exchange and I didn't notice).

[Bhazor]

Hi IT

I just shoved a hard drive up my arse. Impressed?

[seepage]

Hi IT

I just shoved a hard drive up my arse. Impressed?

Only if it's a full height 5¼-inch

[Uncle TechTip]

Hi IT, the entire future of the company and all its employees depends solely on whether I can set up this presentation without looking like an incompetent tit, so can you drop everything you planned to do and sort it now at 7:40am.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Hi IT,

We've accidentally spunked 10's of thousands on some videoconferencing equipment that is utterly unfit for purpose and has a control panel which may as well be in Japanese. Could you make it work?

[dallasman]

Hi IT. Will you help us KONFOUND the KILLER KOWS?
A patch of forest the size of eleven football fields and a basketball court is turned into grazing land for hostile kows every day. The multinationals who own the forest are planting asbestos for them to eat, which makes them breed more frequently and produce more succulent, finely marbled biif. But the asbestos also packs the soil with carcinogens and kills off all other animal and plant life in the area. Piles of decomposing fauna produce clouds of gas and untold numbers of airborne diseases, resulting in an estimated 60 million deaths this year alone. Local medics and animal control are doing their best, but they are as spooked by the kows as the rest of their communities, and they need our help now more than ever. The multinationals have been unresponsive to previous appeals for more environmentally friendly farming, and governments in the affected countries have been reluctant to pass laws that would make that possible, or even legal.

Which is why we are reaching out to you today, IT. Faced with this urgent threat, we see no other option than to circulate this e-mail, which will hopefully find its way to someone in charge, given enough exposure. We would greatly appreciate it if you could forward this to everyone in your contacts list, and if they did the same in turn. To that end, we have already done so on your behalf and on theirs. We thank you for your continued support.

Do not reply to this e-mail. For further inquiries, contact infoteam@theothertexasindustries.ru

[dallasman]

Hi IT, look what I drew while I was waiting for you to sort out my database access:

[dallasman]

Hi IT. Seriously, what's the holdup?

[chveik]

^ That's impressive.

[dallasman]

Hi IT. I'm going to lunch but I'll be on my mobile.

[New Jack]

Hi IT,

We are replacing you with an offshore desk. For customer service reasons.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Hi IT,

Are you gay or just fucking stupid?

Cheerz,

@MrDavidDelbert.

[seepage]

both, but you fix it, yeah?

[a duncandisorderly]

हाय आईटी, मुझे आपको अपना पासवर्ड रीसेट करने की ज़रूरत है

[New Jack]

Hello IT!!

This arse isn't going to wipe itself.

[dallasman]

Hi IT. An arse just wiped itself on all of my passwords, please advise

[dallasman]

Hi IT, did you hear about

KOWS KREATING KAOS?

Picture the scene: Malevolent, asbestos-fed kattle stampede through some of the lushest forest on the planet. From the treetops, frightened macaques watch over the shoulders of squinting tribesmen as the kows lay waste to the undergrowth and everything living there. And the treetops won't keep them safe for long. Due to their demented diet, these radioactive ruminants leave dangerous dung when they defecate. Noxious fluid seeps from their leavings, attacking the roots underground, helping the trees to rot from within. Before long, trees break apart and fall over, leaving no home for macaque nor man. Having cleared sufficient forest in this manner, the kows kamp to have kalves. Once fattened on torn-up trees and arboreal assassinees, the kalves form new platoons and spread out in several directions, repeating the pattern. Farmers across the region have banded together in desperate efforts to contain the insane kows, but have found themselves tangled up in red tape. What with hunting licenses, travel visas and the weapons ban, there is a growing movement of farmers throwing their arms up and saying "this is fucking ridiculous" in foreign. Technically, farmers aren't even allowed to consume the biif of their vanquished foes, which has worn heavily on morale. As kow karcasses pile high over the fallen forest, the famished farmers watch helplessly as hovering Monsterkopters grab the biif and haul it away in giant nets. All of this plays directly into the hooves of the advancing kows and their korporate enablers, and all the while, people by the millions are dying screaming in puddles of their own blood and vomit. All for the glorification of a chain of familiy restaurants that was already doing very well. World leaders and their media would like everyone to turn a blind eye, and this is where you come in, IT. We want you to know about it. Not only that, we want you to find out more and tell us about it. Where exactly is all this happening? Who is responsible, and how can we get at them? We think you may have more luck than us answering these questions, IT. Additionally, we are having trouble accessing the 2nd floor printer that was acting up last week, if you could have a look.

Thank you for your continued support.

TOTI

[Pingers]

Hi IT, those people trapped inside the screen on my desk are doing unspeakable things to each other, can you wipe it up please?

[New Jack]

Hi IT

Y'ok?

Bye

[New Jack]

Hi IT

Do you have Photoshop installed? I need to recreate my doctor's signature on this HR letter of leave

(from my Reality Series - fella was from Sales, obvs)

[DrGreggles]

From yesterday:

[seepage]

Hi IT, where are more USBs to put the little fans in? it's very hot :) I've taken all the cables out of the backs of the servers but none look like USB?

[Ferris]

Hi IT

It's Ferris here. But enough about me, how are you getting on?

Good bye,

FwB