There is a vampire on the loose.

[Glebe]

It has big teeth and will bite if necessary. Do not approach, but if you do, be sure to use a garlic on him.

[Hecate]

The quickest way to a vampires heart is a garlic steak through the stomach.

[chveik]

That's good to know, cheers! I don't like them vampires, bloody vampires, they're everywhere these days!

[Hecate]

A flamingo full of red wine will keep a vampire busy for at least 20 minutes.

[Glebe]

UPDATE: It is clawing, it is growling! Please try and avoid the wampir.

[Ferris]

Is it the sort that turns into a bat or what?

I can't be looking out for bats as well as vampires, I have work in the morning and I'm busy enough as it is. Where does Tony Blair stand on all this?

WE SHOULD BE TOLD.

[Gregory Torso]

You need a sharp stick, Glebe, a kill-stick, it's got a sharp point on it. I had one at school and used it to get out of lessons. "I'll kill-stick ya!" I'd say to the teachers. Heh, lyin' bullshit classes trying to force their worms of knowledge into my soft head. I kill-sticked my way out of that place.

The vampire is looking for love, he wants women to fall into him, he is an echoing well of soul-aching illness and pestilence, but the women will come.
He doesn't even like women, he just wants that feeling of being near someone, because the grave is a cold place to be held for so long, even if you've got good hair and fangs.

If you see women in your town all looking whistfulyl up at that new castle on the hill, you know, where Ruddocks the newsagents used to be, get sharpening wood.

If no woods you can try:

Sharp knife painted to look like wood
Glue trap (XXL)
Spray can of Lynx with a bic lighter
Bombard him with animal whimsy
Stab yourself in your jugular and laugh as your blood gouts and vampire goes "aw, i was gonna sup that"

[petril]

new garlic wine gums in the pipeline, we'll be alright.

except for outdoors during the night