Ball, Ball, Ball - Footy, Footy, Footy: 2018/2019

[Jockice]

C
Chapter 4 tomorrow unless I'm clogging up the thread.

It's not clogging up the thread. It's the best thing ever.

[Squink]

In order to blend in, he waved a Turkish flag above his head.

I wish there was a photo of this. I'm imagining torrential rain and Warnock's flag being comically tiny.

[finnquark]

Chapter 4 - Team Bonding

- Neil begins by parachuting the listener into a night march on the moors that formed part of one of his pre-seasons as a player. At Hartlepool, an ex-commando called Tony Toms took fitness. Tony took them to the moors, separated the squad so they were all sat alone in the pitch black. 'I waited for what seemed like ages in the dark, until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I nearly filled my pants.' Turns out it was Tony, who'd used his commando skills to sneak up on Neil. 'He was ahead of his time Tony - he made us play a game and the loser got chucked in the river. It's the sort of thing they do these days on I'm A Celebrity. Finally, in the morning, we were told to find our way home - so I used my initiative and made a reverse charge call at a phone box, and got picked up.'

- Neil then moves onto his pre-season as manager, which 'is more benign. Fitness is best judged by the naked eye, not the computer.' More signings are discussed from his first one at QPR - Bradley Orr and Leon Clarke. Neil slates Clarke as not good enough, then says how pleased he was to see him nominated as League One player of the year a few years later.

- Neil takes his teams now to Cornwall, fixing matches with local teams. Marcus Bent once gave a kitman £300 to buy a TV to put in his spartan room at the training camp. Neil takes the squad to a local pub for 'a buffet and a drink - nothing excessive. Later we go back to mine for a barbecue, where I always cook.'

- Neil remembers that first summer at QPR where the new signings, led by Clint Hill, dressed up as JLS and sung 'Everybody In Love' at the team hotel. Neil gave his son £20 to soak Ákos Buzsáky with a water pistol.

- We move onto mid-season breaks. Neil says he likes a day at the races, or some fishing, before pointedly commenting on 'Allardyce liking Dubai'. There's then a lovely anecdote about Tongey and the lads going for a winter swim at Scarborough. 'Brrrr' adds Neil.

- Neil claims he got Notts County players to drink 'glasses of sherry and raw egg' in the hotel, the night before away games.

- Neil now embarks on a wide-ranging defence of his methods, arguing he has been wrongly derided as a long ball merchant. He points to the success of Darren Ambrose and Neil Danns as evidence, plus his blooding of Victor Moses and Sean Scannell. There's a brooding silence after he mentions John Bostock - this is clearly a sore spot for Neil.

- 'I know Barcelona's players are very short, but they are also very good.'

- Neil then seems to contradict himself by saying he does not want his centre halves to pass the ball. 'Kick it in the stands, they'll not score from there.' Some players don't buy into this immediately, with Anton Ferdinand a prime culprit. Neil showed the lads a video of Gael Clichy giving a goal away with a back pass in the Champions League, and wrote a column in the Independent thanking Gael for doing his job for him.

- Neil unveils a one-nation Tory attitude to defending, advocating man-marking on the grounds that 'personal responsibility is a fantastic motivator, especially against talented wingers like Jobi McAnuff'.

- At Notts County, 'Brian Clough used to walk his labrador past our postage stamp of a training ground, no doubt laughing on his way back to his salubrious grounds'.

- 'I'd be hopeless managing England, not that I'll ever get the chance.'

- There is a truly medieval discussion of tactics. Neil has used the phrase 'disputed winner' three times in the last five minutes.

- Neil claims he went to watch Barcelona train at Loftus Road and 'they didn't even work on corners or shape!'

Might do Chapter 5 after I've had a beer - 'Matchday' it's called.

[Beagle 2]

- Neil unveils a one-nation Tory attitude to defending, advocating man-marking on the grounds that 'personal responsibility is a fantastic motivator, especially against talented wingers like Jobi McAnuff'.

I had a coughing fit there

[bgmnts]

It just keeps on giving.

[Ferris]

- 'I know Barcelona's players are very short, but they are also very good.'

Had me laughing in line at the grocery store. Looked mental.

[chveik]

Neil gave his son £20 to soak Ákos Buzsáky with a water pistol.

strong contender for deso quest right there

[garnish]

Chapter 4 - Team Bonding
Neil gave his son £20 to soak Ákos Buzsáky with a water pistol.

Love this.

[Golden E. Pump]

As a QPR fan I need to hear this for myself. The club was absolutely mental at that time too. We had Taarabt being magic on the pitch but an absolute bell-end if things didn't go his way (including refusing to run in a game against Hull), rich owners that everyone hated in Flavio Briatore and Bernie Ecclestone for actively holding the fans in disdain, and the threat of our first promotion to the top flight since 1996 being taken away because of an ineligible player controversy. Madness.

[bgmnts]

As a QPR fan I need to hear this for myself. The club was absolutely mental at that time too. We had Taarabt being magic on the pitch but an absolute bell-end if things didn't go his way (including refusing to run in a game against Hull), rich owners that everyone hated in Flavio Briatore and Bernie Ecclestone for actively holding the fans in disdain, and the threat of our first promotion to the top flight since 1996 being taken away because of an ineligible player controversy. Madness.

Just reading names like Jobi McAnuff and Akos Buszaky brings back memories.

[Andy147]

- An example of a failed rogue was Ashley Sestanovich, who Neil signed because 'he looked so much like Thierry Henry, he had been a body double for him in an advertisement'. He got 8 years in jail for a failed robbery where a man was killed.

Hadn't heard of Ashley Sestanovich before so checked his Wiki page:

"The evidence used to say he was involved was cell phone records where someone called him and that was the only evidence he was convicted with and should never of been found guilty due to insufficient evidence but the cps allowed it due to being a high profile case."

[bgmnts]

Liverpool's first half today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjp1Zrvn8VQ

[BlodwynPig]

Liverpool's first half today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjp1Zrvn8VQ

*Salah Penno get out of jail card played*

[Ferris]

*Salah Penno get out of jail card played*

He's captain my fantasy football squad so this is A Good Thing. Need him to get a few more though pls.

[DrGreggles]

*Salah Penno get out of jail card played*

Clear cut pen though.
Stupid from the defender. Not sure Salah even had the room to get a shot away.

[bgmnts]

*Salah Penno get out of jail card played*

It was a clear cut penalty though.

I don't know what the defender was doing, he just let Salah skate past him and put his foot in from behind for no real reason. Brighton defenddd brilliantly all day so that surprised me.

[BlodwynPig]

I don't care if it was a clear cut penno. I hate Messi Penno, Ronaldo Penno and Salah Penno, ruining football those trio.

[bgmnts]

Salah's won like 6 penalties.

[Chollis]

Penaltypool strike again

[DrGreggles]

Penaltypool strike again

And long may it continue!

[dr beat]

Yup.

[garnish]

A tiresome team grinding out results by not conceding and having very quick players run and trip in the opposition penalty area, just like Mourinho's great Chelsea teams.  Or indeed most good football teams going back 100 years.

I'm sure when they win the league we'll get thousand word pieces about how Klopp has revolutionised football tactics forever.

[bgmnts]

Lol

[DrGreggles]

A tiresome team grinding out results by not conceding and having very quick players run and trip in the opposition penalty area, just like Mourinho's great Chelsea teams.  Or indeed most good football teams going back 100 years.

I'm sure when they win the league we'll get thousand word pieces about how Klopp has revolutionised football tactics forever.

Aw, bless.

[garnish]

A team to be quickly forgotten, a blip in between Man City's 10 year run of league championships.

[bgmnts]

N'awww

[finnquark]

Chapter 5 - Matchday

- We start on the first day of his first full season at QPR. It was such a good win (4-0 against Barnsley) that 'even Fitz Hall scored'.

- Neil reveals that as a manager he can't eat properly on a matchday. He usually has a cup of tea, then breakfast at 10 ('usually a cheese, ham and red onion omelette, with four slices of brown toast. If there's toast over, I'll have marmalade') which has to be big because he won't eat again until 6.

- Neil says he usually 'gets to the ground 90 minutes before kick off, if we are away, but some grounds you don't want to get there too early because they are such a dump'.

- Neil claims he has never refused to sign an autograph.

- 'I have never taken caffeine tablets, but I usually have two cups of coffee just before kick off, in the belief that it'll sharpen me up.'

- Neil gets his claws stuck into Burnley and Blackpool as having shit grounds, before claiming that Loftus Road had an amazing away dressing room and a crap home one until he turned up and swapped them over.

- 'I think it is important to show respect to officials, so I go and see them before the game personally.'

- When Sheff Utd went up, Neil remembers buying suits for the touchline in order to get more respect from officials. But in the first game, Rob Styles gave a disgraceful penalty against Chris Morgan. This was followed by two more defeats, so Neil ended his brief dalliance with a suit, and returned to the trusty tracksuit.

- 'I get the IT man to pin up some info about set pieces around the room.'

- Neil points out that he doesn't 'need' substitutes to listen to the team talk, which always takes four or five minutes, and which 'I always finish with something like "Come on, let's go"'.

- 'The first thing I do is clear my technical area of litter.'

- Neil discusses his methodology on the touchline - he writes nothing down, but keeps everything in his head, adding that he rarely shouts at linesmen.

- At full time, he loiters in the shower area with Keith Curle for a few minutes, before dishing out a few rollickings. 'Occasionally I flip my lid, and let it all go' Neil adds, but also makes it clear he has a tender side.

- When the team are having a warm down out on the pitch, 'someone brings me a cup of tea which I drink in the bath'.

- Neil crowbars in the Carlos Tevez affair.

- 'I am usually happy working with media men, even the snakes'.

- Neil claims the foreign managers don't socialise with the British and Irish managers after the game. He is particularly dismissive of Villas Boas, who Neil claims to have the hex over. He paints a picture of a medieval court, with staff only invited in if their counterpart is there. Sometimes you can have five coaches, physios and families all having a drink after the game, but 'fortunately, offices are bigger these days' so there's plenty of room.

- After a game, Neil eats a big meal, Sharon drives him home, and 'by half seven I am home relaxing in my pyjamas'. The exception was when Neil managed Leeds, where he hired a driver to take him home to Cornwall.

- Neil alarmingly claims he doesn't like watching hours of video footage from around the league, and gets everything he needs from Match of the Day.

- He finishes by hinting at a problem with sleeping tablets.

[jobotic]

Superb.

I hope he says "Come on, let's go" like Q-Tip in I Left My Wallet in El Segundo.

[BlodwynPig]

Chorley 4 - 1 Altrincham

Promotion hopes dented

[kalowski]

God, this is amazing. I love Warnock more than ever