Absolutely pisspoor British films

[alan nagsworth]

Are any of these so bad it's good or are they all just so bad it's bad?

Modern Life Is Rubbish is so interminably fucking dreadful that it's strangely compelling. Me and a couple of friends got some beers in a few months back and watched it along with two other similarly dreadful music-based fictional films, (which were American, so I won't speak their name here) and it was certainly the best, and not even in a "yerrrr, look at us watching I Spit On Your Grave, we're mad" way. It was more like the way The Room affects you: for some reason you can't wait to see how much more shit it can get, and it keeps on delivering over and over.

It's actually really worth a watch for how simultaneously hilarious and infuriating it is. The mysterious manager character, as mentioned upthread by HZJ, is honestly too good to be true.

[alan nagsworth]

I don't know if this really belongs in here, but one of the same friends I watched MLIR with in the above post showed me this recently. It popped up on his Facebook as he's part of the illegal rave scene and knows a lot of ropey squat types, one of whom is responsible for this film:

White Glove Massive (trailer)

I guess it's some sort of amateur UK street gangster movie, like yer man Vinnie Jones would be in, except obviously it looks hilariously shit. I do really want to watch it though. The bit where the girl flashes those three lads on an unkempt patch of grass round the back of some house cracks me up no end. "Wheeeyyy!"

[imitationleather]

White Glove Massive (trailer)

Oh my days. Is the full thing available to watch?

I used to love these £0 budget films, although I don't know if I am wrecked 24/7 enough these days to tolerate more than a few minutes of one.

[non capisco]

White Glove Massive (trailer)

"AND YOU DEFINITELY WOULDN'T WANT TO MESS WITH THE CAAAAAAARDINAAAAALLLLL"

Please obtain the entirety of this film so I can watch it. The jack the lad shagabout character looks like someone even I would have been able to bully at school.

[imitationleather]

I like the bit where they take drugs and it has some crazy visuals and they hallucinate one of the characters wearing a pig mask.

You'd think that at least the "Here's what being on drugs is like!" scene would be accurate. But here we are.

[imitationleather]

Sick poster tbh.

[Cuellar]

Why on earth would you even make that

edit: the film, not the poster

[alan nagsworth]

Oh my days. Is the full thing available to watch?

Haha, it's someone we both know (probably unsurprisingly) and I'm sure he's got a copy of it knocking about. Obviously if I get hold of it I'll be bringing it straight back to CaB.

I like the production logo at the start, "Kingwood Productions", and it's literally a picture of a little wooden ornament of a king. That's the human mind on drugs right there. That thing's probably been on the mantlepiece for years, no one even knows who bought it, and then suddenly one day after a few bongs, "fuckin oi who brought that wooden king in, where's that cunt come from? Wood king. Woodking, oi that's a cool name for somethin that is."

The very next day, a company is born and storyboards for White Glove Massive are being sketched up. Trippy man with a pig head. Girl doing unenthusiastic dance in a record shop. A bloke you certainly wouldn't want to leave alone with your bird. History in the making.

[imitationleather]

It's like they saw my life and made it into a film.

[Gurke and Hare]

Ace, this very clip is on Youtube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxW-cr8Qy1Y&t=34s

At the start of that, I was thinking that I'd actually watch the film that this is a clip from where she's the protagonist. THEN SHE TURNED OUT TO BE AS MUCH OF A CUNT AS HE IS!

Sick poster tbh.

Now we're speeding on the needle bliss.

[marquis_de_sad]

I like the production logo at the start, "Kingwood Productions", and it's literally a picture of a little wooden ornament of a king. That's the human mind on drugs right there. That thing's probably been on the mantlepiece for years, no one even knows who bought it, and then suddenly one day after a few bongs, "fuckin oi who brought that wooden king in, where's that cunt come from? Wood king. Woodking, oi that's a cool name for somethin that is."

Written and directed by Kenneth-King and Alan Wood

[Goldentony]

It's probably the same reason I don't really get much from Tarantino's films, Harmony Korine articulates how I feel very well:

"Quentin Tarantino seems to be too concerned with other films. I mean, about appropriating other movies, like in a blender. I think it's, like, really funny at the time I'm seeing it, but then, I don't know, there's a void there. Some of the references are flat, just pop culture."

I watched a film where Harmony Korine shags a bin dressed as an old man for about an hour on VHS, it's one of the worst nights of my life

[Rich Uncle Skeleton]

White Glove Massive (trailer)

This looks bloody terrible, so naturally I hope you can get hold of it!

Best/worst part was I thought at least they've tried to cover up the homemade-ness of it all and given it that smooth filmy look. Then my wifi started pulling its weight and it suddenly changed to 1080/60fps while that woman was dancing and I felt like I was back at my ex's place being made to sit and watch BBC three.

[Panbaams]

Please obtain the entirety of this film so I can watch it. The jack the lad shagabout character looks like someone even I would have been able to bully at school.

You could obtain it yourself. On HD DVD, no less!

[SteveDave]

Product description
White Glove Massive (DVD) (2018) (Kenneth-King, Alan Wood ) A trip down memory lane travels back to the early 90s and follows a group of jilted youngsters in london as they embark on a mind bending squatting adventure. A European Exclusive For HDDVD Revived, White glove massive is a unique adventure following a young group as they engaging in raving, Getting high, squatting and partying the nights away. Certificate 18.

Youngsters? Him with the long blonde hair looks like he's 50.

[Glebe]

White Glove Massive (trailer)

Oh fuck me... Snatch has let itself go bunch-of-lads-make-a-film-on-a-cheap phone! Got a good chuckle from this bit... "wobbly caper" indeed!

This gives me hope for CaB: The Movie!

[Misspent Boners]

Oh fuck me... Snatch has let itself go bunch-of-lads-make-a-film-on-a-cheap phone! Got a good chuckle from this bit... "wobbly caper" indeed!

This gives me hope for CaB: The Movie!

Haha yeh I burst out laughing at that part; I swear that's one of the effects from the camera app (or programme as I guess it was called back then) that me and my mates would mess about with on a Mac from 2007

[Misspent Boners]

Youngsters? Him with the long blonde hair looks like he's 50.

He looks like an older bloated version of Connan Mockasin!

This vid is the trailer interspersed with the cast getting interviewed at the premiere; most of them are asked if they think the film.is good and barely seem able to muster the slightest enthusiasm that it is, even bloated Connan seems doubtful. He also says the tripping scene is grounded in realism which is a bit of a contradiction although I know what he means.

https://vimeo.com/275109345

[Misspent Boners]

They couldn't have made a bigger miscast than Flinty hahaha; of all the guys in the film they chose him to be the one that you need to "watch around your missus"...he always looks hilariously unassuming in the poster/promos too while the rest are trying to look hard. Hardly a fanny magnet lothario

[marquis_de_sad]

They couldn't have made a bigger miscast than Flinty hahaha; of all the guys in the film they chose him to be the one that you need to "watch around your missus"...he always looks hilariously unassuming in the poster/promos too while the rest are trying to look hard. Hardly a fanny magnet lothario

When they said that line I thought they meant that he was a murderer.

[marquis_de_sad]

Youngsters? Him with the long blonde hair looks like he's 50.

He's one of the writer/directors.

[Glebe]

This might be the closest we ever get to a Legend Gary movie.

[A Hat Like That]

should have gone for Kenwood, really.

[famethrowa]

They're trying to go for something with the constant freeze frames... like they're supposed to zoom in or rotate or similar as it freezes? But it just looks like youtube is fuckin up.

Also what's with the end of the trailer? Some completely different group of people doing not much at all, why?

[alan nagsworth]

You could obtain it yourself. On HD DVD, no less!

Fuck yes. One copy left on the alternative link on that page. I'm having that.

[Cuellar]

"In for a penny, in for a paahnd left right and centre"

What?

[NoSleep]

From an earlier thread; my review of The Reverend(2011):

Rutger Hauer is in it for about a minute at the beginning. More notably features Emily Booth (from Channel 4's videogame review show Bits) as a hooker and Shane Richie as her evil pimp (I'm fairly certain that the only research he did for the part was to watch Harvey Keitel in Taxi Driver once).
The local reverend is a vampire and he's using his miraculous gift to clean up the parish.
The credits tell you "From the graphic novel", but this is a bit of a scam, as it never got to publication.

[Misspent Boners]

"In for a penny, in for a paahnd left right and centre"

What?

Also, "you know, sells a little bit of this, little bit of that...although youd rather buy this if you know what that was"

I fucking love this film

[alan nagsworth]

Right it's bought. I might set up some sort of chain mailing list for this so I can send it off and make sure anyone who wants to borrow it receives it. Or I might just try and rip it who knows. But it's coming.

[Captain Z]

Is that Tim Martin, the Wetherspoons bloke?