Absolutely pisspoor British films

[imitationleather]

Nags is my only friend, but I'm not the guy he's watching this with.

[alan nagsworth]

Have you only got one friend? I've got two.

you sound like one of them poll tax paying cunts mate

[marquis_de_sad]

As long as you've got a handful of 80s coins, you're always with friends.

[Big Mclargehuge]

Sorry for the thread bump. But I thought it was worth mentioning here that I pulled the trigger and ordered a copy of "White Glove Massive" that should be here in a day or so. I'll watch it ASAP and be sure to come back here shortly to let you know EXACTLY how shit it is. (Mad Cows melted my eyebrows...so im using that as the measuring stick for this one)

[Marner and Me]

Rancid Aluminium. First time I actually got angry watching a film.
I haven't watched it, but I'm going out on a limb and saying Run For Your Wife.

I should really also add Love, Honour and Obey, but even though I know it is truly dire it has Kathy Burke in it so it scrapes a pass from me.

Dave Lister told Dave Lister to swerve that

[Sebastian Cobb]

Caught Beware My Bretheren twice on late-night BBC when fuck all else was on and both times wished I hadn't bothered.

[sutin]

Hitchhiker's Guide

Fucking shit.

Aw, I like it. I was unfamilar with Hitchhiker's Guide beforehand so I just found it fun with a pre-shite sitcom Deschanel being cute.

[famethrowa]

Aw, I like it. I was unfamilar with Hitchhiker's Guide beforehand so I just found it fun with a pre-shite sitcom Deschanel being cute.

I liked seeing it too, but I'm very familiar with the material, it's just so strong that it was a pleasure to see the thoughts and ideas of Douglas up there on the big screen, like old friends from my past. No matter who played them or how, I'd much rather see Marvin and Vogons and Magrathea than Marvel heroes.

[bgmnts]

Liked it as a kid because Sam Rockwell is just brilliant in everything but yeah it doesnt have that same feel as the other stuff does.

I quite liked the silly dolphin musical number at the start.

[sutin]

I'm still unfamilar with other Hitchhiker's stuff, I think I watched that movie at the time because of the cast.

[Big Mclargehuge]

Well! bit of an update; White glove massive finally arrived. Fucking weird mind; the film was shot in the midlands. and yet for some reason they're distributing from the Czech republic...and that's not a redirect by the way either. this was manufactured and sent from Czech. Im going to watch it tonight and I'll try and get my thoughts up either later tonight or some time tomorrow.

https://imgur.com/zkpM2N3

Im hoping that it's been worth the wait in terms of awfulness...and the disc manufacturing if nothing else is definitely giving me hope!

https://imgur.com/CEu3DVL

[mothman]

https://www.theguardian.com/film/2021/mar/16/nest-of-vampires-review-bloodless-horror

[Mobius]

https://www.theguardian.com/film/2021/mar/16/nest-of-vampires-review-bloodless-horror

Ha. The creator of that has actually commented a few times on that review

My mum was recently diagnosed with dementia. I haven't been allowed to see her for over a year due to lockdown. One of the main motivations was to show her the film. I probably did rush things a bit. But the film was shot with a lot of love and passion. We had 30k to play with. I'll always be proud of the hard work that went into this movie. Judge for yourselves.

www.nestofvampires.com

Feel bad for laughing now.

[Big Mclargehuge]

Well! bit of an update; White glove massive finally arrived. Fucking weird mind; the film was shot in the midlands. and yet for some reason they're distributing from the Czech republic...and that's not a redirect by the way either. this was manufactured and sent from Czech. Im going to watch it tonight and I'll try and get my thoughts up either later tonight or some time tomorrow.

https://imgur.com/zkpM2N3

Im hoping that it's been worth the wait in terms of awfulness...and the disc manufacturing if nothing else is definitely giving me hope!

https://imgur.com/CEu3DVL

So I just got finished watching it and...wow. I mean WOW. it's...it's pretty bad. I dont even really know where to begin on just how bad it is. I should probably start with the basics.

Kicking things off the sound designs atrocious. The music used throughout is supposed to be reflective of the 90's rave era. I would have been lenient on it if it'd been a bit off given that this is a low/no budget production. But all the "Rave" music in this is about a decade off where it actually should be. Equally the actual dialogue recordings a total mess. They forgot to record ambient tracks for some scenes. So the dialogue just hard cuts in and out of absolute silence and feels harsh in places, in others, they've had to redub some lines. But they hard cut between the on site audio and the re-recorded audio so you end up in this weird situation where the sound keeps flitting between clearly recorded in someones bedroom and an echoey location.

The film itself is supposed to be set in 1990 (Barring a brief "Flash Forward" at the very end of the film thats written like it takes place in the modern day, but covers things that could have only happened 2-3 days after the end of the 1990 footage) and given that this is supposed to be 1990. They DO attempt to make locations and scenes feel like they're from that era. They achieve this by doing bugger all to the clearly modern sets/locations/furnishings apart from dumping some random late 80's to mid 90's gadget in the background. For example; theres a heart to heart scene in a clearly mid 2000's designed kitchen...where the only "90's" element is a portable box TV thats just been crammed in the background of one of the shots. And the portable in question was clearly made in the mid to late 90s!

The scripts simultaneously totally lifeless and lacks ANY kind of focus. We basically follow a core group of 3-4 people around for the full run time. While simultaneously being introduced to new characters every 20 seconds via super forced and frankly very rubbish black and white "Mug shot" type freeze frames. Theres literally about 200 characters in this film (it comes to something when the cast list for the film is longer than most major film productions. People just turn up and disappear from one sequence to the next. I never knew who to retain and who to jettison in terms of requirement to the plot. And while im on the subject. The plot itself goes. NOWHERE. It's literally just these 3-4 characters talking about drugs, going to a football match, getting "Their Squat on", and occasionally committing burglary's theres no overarching plot. No clear direction. It could just as easily be half a dozen different short films cut together and I dont think anyone would really notice. It's also Tonally all over the place, I can never quite tell if it's trying to be "Lads, Lads, Lads.", Trainspotting level seriousness or "Parklife" goofy. It just sort of, tries to do all three.

The cast are all over the place, non of them are any good. Some put accents on for some reason. Then forget they have accents and so they slip in and out of their fake accents on a literal cut by cut basis within a scene. There are deliveries here that literally made me weep with laughter and because the editing is all over the place they regularly under or overcut scenes meaning the performances become like some kind of fever dream Garth Marenghi/Tim and Eric aspired reject.

Whoever directed this hasnt directed anything before clearly as "The Line" is regularly crossed with total abandon, leaving sequences feeling disorienting as you cant tell where the characters are placed within the scene or who they're talking to. A lot of it's shot for necessity rather than professionalism's sake and the choice to shoot handheld. While no doubt an attempt to go for a "Real" and "Edgey" look (See: Cheap and Cheerful) just results in a very visually unappealing film.

Theres no real sense of direction. This is a film that has a handful of nice shots (At some point they got hold of a drone/crane and a steady cam) but those are quickly ruined by gurning shots of the cast that have been included in the edit for some reason and the drug trip scenes are some of the laziest i've ever encountered in cinema (someones basically just vommed up the effects package from an imacs "Photobooth" app)

The disc itself contains between 3 and 5 minutes of ad's for software and what I have to assume are bootleg films you can buy through a website and a quick google of the name of the software brings up a youtube channel featuring two of the actors in this movie offering PC repair tips. Theres nothing in the way of extras on here, not even the trailer; and EVEN MORE bizarrely. Theres footage thats in the trailer that ISNT in the finished film.

It's marketed as an 18 though thats a total fucking con too. Not only do I find it VERY unlikely that this films been anywhere NEAR the BBFC for classification. Basically you have 80 minutes of film that at most is PG...a 12A at an absolute push. Followed by one single 2 minute scene at the very VERY end of the film where theres nudity (boobies) and a shot of someone doing fake coke off a mirror. That's enough to probably give it a 15.

The Continuity's a mess, they couldnt afford costumes or cars so the majority of the police in this film just happen to be "Plain Clothes" who drive unmarked cars with a blue light glued to the roof and most of the "Characters" are clearly dressed by "Smiffys". They either left kit in the back of the shot on multiple occasions or couldnt get some passers by to sign release forms as there are several shots that have massive fuck off "Blur" shapes dropped over something clearly the audience was not meant to see.

This films. Awful. If your not used to lower budget productions (effectively shot for peanuts on a DSLR or less) this will be like plunging into Ice water. If you're used to trash cinema (The Room, Mad Cows, anything "Shot on Video") and thats your thing. I'd say you need to see this movie.

I dont think it's the worst movie ever made. But in terms of Piss poor british films. It's probably one of the more entertainingly piss poor ones i've seen.

[imitationleather]

Thanks for that! A great round-up.

I really need to see this film.

[rjd2]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7JR0SGYcS4

Anyone ever see Mob Handed?

Got a thread here back in the day but not sure if anyone in the UK let alone here watched it in the end.

IIRC was about Dirty Den beating up pedo's.

[rjd2]

Lads. Lads. Lads.

Great news.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHLDe6cKGBI

Rise of the footsoldier the Tony Tucker story is out any day now. It won't be good obviously, but if you are after that sort of thing you wouldn't have lasted ten minutes of this series let alone 5 films.

A strange film series, the first one was cheap and nasty but watchable enough due to a decent cast and class soundtrack.

The second one was incredibly dull and then the penny dropped and they realised how silly it was that so much of the cast was near 60 and played it for laugh's which a lot of dipshit critics did not get . Yes they were still rubbish, but they were guilty pleasure personified.

I currently am watching Ingmar Berman films so am really looking forward to this as a silly diversion.

Anyone else ashamed about their ROTFS fandom?

[Mobius]

I really loved the first ROTFS, and at the time genuinely thought it was a brilliant movie. I realise now that it's technically not, but it's still a lot of fun.

I notice that new one is called "Rise Of The Footsoldier: Origins" ... but isn't that just the first movie? Admittedly I don't remember it that well

[rjd2]

I really loved the first ROTFS, and at the time genuinely thought it was a brilliant movie. I realise now that it's technically not, but it's still a lot of fun.

I notice that new one is called "Rise Of The Footsoldier: Origins" ... but isn't that just the first movie? Admittedly I don't remember it that well

First one got 14% on RT. Its obviously not Citizen Kane, heck its probably not even that good on reflection but I think a lot of snobby critics missed the appeal of the film.

I don't believe the director glorified the characters whatsoever, it looks a little cheap but the film is nasty because it was full of horrible cunts. Then add a few underrated U actors like Harper, Fairbrass, Maskell and a fun soundtrack and you have a watchable film.

Anyway the difference between this and the first ?

I'm not sure.

I think this is focusing on the early days of Tony coming up in the criminal underworld. And yes it should be someone younger playing him but that's misses the points of these films.

Although the first did focus very briefly on his rise while instead focusing on the Carlson Leech character. It obviously isn't worthy of a full feature but bills have to be paid and heck its going to be a harmless 90 or so minutes for us stupid enough to watch it.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Just had a butcher's at the trailer. Why is Tony Tucker being portrayed as Phil Spector? Also, going further back in time with the films, but retaining the same ageing actors for the characters is a bizarre thing to do.

[dead-ced-dead]

Has anyone ever listened to the audio commentary for the Danny Dyer/Nick Love movie, Outlaw?

It's hilarious to listen to these two guys and not totally intentionally.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5h9ZPBuBEs

[beanheadmcginty]

Has anyone ever listened to the audio commentary for the Danny Dyer/Nick Love movie, Outlaw?

It's hilarious to listen to these two guys and not totally intentionally.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5h9ZPBuBEs

Weirdly, I just posted that in the funniest directors thread and then came here and saw you posted it here.

Love the Rise of the Footsoldier films. The increasing ridiculousness of Terry Turbo's wigs with each instalment is a vital part of the franchise. Sadly I can't find any cinema showing it in Amsterdam where I live so hopefully it will come out on streaming or something soon. Looks like plenty of "hammer in the nut" action in this one.

[Famous Mortimer]

Despite my love of the threads that mention them, I've still not seen any of the Rise Of The Footsoldier movies. I've got a long weekend coming up, I might give them a go.

[Fr.Bigley]

Blackball
Sex lives of the potato men
Anything with the cast of eastenders in.

That is all.

[Blue Jam]

I kind of love Danny Dyer ngl

[rjd2]

Despite my love of the threads that mention them, I've still not seen any of the Rise Of The Footsoldier movies. I've got a long weekend coming up, I might give them a go.

You lucky sod!

Try not to take them to seriously you should have plenty of fun with them.

I do think the second is the least watchable but the others are fine in their own odd little way.

[holyzombiejesus]

The Pebble and the Boy is on at my local cinema next week.

Inspired by the album track of the same name, The Pebble and the Boy is a modern day road trip of discovery for nineteen year old John Parker who sets off on an eventful journey from Manchester on his late father's Lambretta to scatter the dead man's ashes into the sea in Brighton, spiritual home of the Mods. When John's estranged father is knocked off his scooter and killed in an accident, John finds himself inheriting a home dominated by memories of him in the shape of Paul Weller memorabilia, a fish tail parka and a dented Lambretta. Starring Patsy Kensit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZF5xfJ4ADvw&t=106s

[jobotic]

Fucking mods

Why is there two films?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHzp71ww9Zc

[Sebastian Cobb]

Got How To Get Ahead in Advertising once as a suppliment freebee. Dunno if it came with a paper a housemate wanted or was just given to us by the guy in the corner shop because they had to pull them out the papers before sending them back and we were in there every day buying rolling baccy at the time. Either way it's shite, screams of 'we did well with that Withnail thing, and that Fish Called Wanda did alright with extra irreverence so lets rehash those'.

[Mr_Simnock]

any film with 'geezers' in, beano comic level dialogue and plot