Absolutely pisspoor British films

[turnstyle]

Starring Patsy Kensit.

Is the desolation thread still active these days? Because this deserves a place in there.

[Mr Banlon]

I saw this on the London Live channel a while back :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsHpdfA8lbU

London Live is the channel for ultra-shite British films.

Interesting trivia section on imdb : https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3477732/trivia/?ref_=tt_trv_trv

[mothman]

I saw this on the London Live channel a while back :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsHpdfA8lbU

London Live is the channel for ultra-shite British films.

Interesting trivia section on imdb : https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3477732/trivia/?ref_=tt_trv_trv

Through flashbacks, Full English Breakfast follows the violent career of Dave Bishop (Dave Courtney) a small-time London villain who kills his way to the top of Britain's drugs empire. Now happily 'retired' on the Kent coast Dave becomes embroiled in a bloody battle of wits with Al Qaeda terrorists who want to take over his criminal empire. Adding to the old mobster's woes is his younger trophy wife (Lucy Drive) wanting to play away with his new driver (Jamie Bannerman).

Holy shit. Someone's obviously seen The Long Good Friday and thought they'd update it...

[Pink Gregory]

The Kent Coast

[purlieu]

Fuck me, 'Tales from the Lodge' reeks of a tax write-off.  I know what you're thinking:  surely no film starring Mackenzie Crook and Johnny Vegas could be bad.  A bunch of friends have a get-together at a lake house to scatter the ashes of a departed comrade (yes, it's a bit windy and we get that gag), and pass the time by telling horror stories for some reason.  Your classic portmanteau kind of deal, with the storytellers facing an ordeal at the end.

I mean, a horror-comedy like that sounds alright, doesn't it?  It does have the added novelty value of each segment being directed by the actor telling the story, meaning we get a mix of styles within the wrap-around one.  Should be good for a few giggles and a mild scare.

I won't spoil it for you.

I will, because I don't recommend anybody watch it:

Spoiler alert

The dead guy fancied one of the other guys so faked his death, had gender-reassignment surgery, and is how his girlfriend. And then tries to kill everyone. It's a fucking disgustingly transphobic, homophobic, nasty piece of shit of a film.

[close]

What else? Storage 24, a mind-meltingly boring action horror written by and starring Noel Clarke. Utter crap.
Ecstacy. I've not read the Irvine Welsh novel it's based on, but my God was the film dire. One of those I was continually hoping would just end, because I watched it at a time when I would try and force myself through every film I started.
Outcast. 2010 Scottish horror by Colm McCarthy that's phenomenally dull, staggeringly ugly, and has possibly the most obvious twist I've ever seen in a film.

When is the CaB watchalong for White Glove Massive, anyway?

[Glebe]

Someone's obviously seen The Long Good Friday and thought they'd update it...

Paul W.S. 'Resident Evil movie franchise' Anderson was supposed to do an actual remake of that great film, thankfully that project seems to have stalled.

[rjd2]

I saw this on the London Live channel a while back :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsHpdfA8lbU

London Live is the channel for ultra-shite British films.

Interesting trivia section on imdb : https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3477732/trivia/?ref_=tt_trv_trv

Was it top?

[hamfist]

I saw this thread the other night and was gonna post Biggles (1986) but decided to rewatch it for the first time since release.

And actually I really enjoyed it in all it's mad-soundtracked silly glory. Guess I need to take this to a guilty pleasures thread instead.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

The Pebble and the Boy is on at my local cinema next week.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZF5xfJ4ADvw&t=106s

Is that Mani of Stone Roses fame in the trailer?

[Small Man Big Horse]

I saw this thread the other night and was gonna post Biggles (1986) but decided to rewatch it for the first time since release.

And actually I really enjoyed it in all it's mad-soundtracked silly glory. Guess I need to take this to a guilty pleasures thread instead.

I think Biggles is a great film too, I loved it as a kid and during a rewatch about a decade ago. Sure, it's not perfect but it's a very fun ride and I've never understood the disdain for it.

[imitationleather]

When is the CaB watchalong for White Glove Massive, anyway?

Can we please do this?

[Tokyo van Ramming]

Would've been done on the week of release if the dedicated website for doing so wasn't banned here.

[Tokyo van Ramming]

Edit glitch wtf

[purlieu]

My partner wants in on it too (or, in her words, "Why haven't you bought this already?").

[non capisco]

I'd forgotten all about the prospect of watching 'White Glove Massive'. It does look deliciously shit.

[George White]

Not British but FUll English Breakfast reminds me of the recent Sonny Capone, "the Irish Godfather"
Similarly underfunded but ambitious, it's set in Rome (bits of stock footage and some fancy looking Dublin locations), before our hero, a Dublin-born half-Irish half-Italian mafioso is told his son's been killed in a Kinahan-type gang war, so he has to go to some dreary Northside council estate.
Features a Godfather and a cardinal as characters in an upstairs community centre boardroom that we are to believe is mafia HQ. The nearest thing it has to a name is one-time Bergerac guest star and Irish RP-accented voiceover ace Brian deSalvo.

[dissolute ocelot]

I think Biggles is a great film too, I loved it as a kid and during a rewatch about a decade ago. Sure, it's not perfect but it's a very fun ride and I've never understood the disdain for it.

Yeah, it's a fun kids adventure movie. I don't know if people were expecting some kind of serious war drama with Kenneth More and Sir John Mills.


On the other hand, I just heard about Sphere of Fear and its sequel Sphere of Fear 2 (apologies I mentioned this in another entirely urelated thread). The actual IMDb plot summary for the first film is:

A possessed football is killing people. Dylan Davis, with the help of a hot goth chick, must avenge his brother's death by the football and kill it before it falls into the mercenary hands of the mysterious hunter.

It's the only thing on IMDb that the director or most of the cast have done. There doesn't seem to be a trailer for the first film anywhere, but IMDb lists one review:

Day/night continuity is just something that happens to other films apparently, but the ball's animation – throwing/rolling it from offscreen plus judicious editing – works surprisingly well, and a few moments are genuinely funny ("Now stop wanking and avenge my death."). Shot around Plymouth over six years for £300, this screened at a festival in New York in June 2014.

There is equally little info about the second film, except it stars John Altman, best known as Dot Cotton's son on EastEnders.

[Gurke and Hare]

There is equally little info about the second film, except it stars John Altman, best known as Dot Cotton's son on EastEnders.

I think I saw him on telly yesterday, wanking on about how Eastenders is politically correct these days, but now I'm not sure if that was a dream or not.

[dissolute ocelot]

I think I saw him on telly yesterday, wanking on about how Eastenders is politically correct these days, but now I'm not sure if that was a dream or not.

Yeah he was on GB News, that's why I came across this. See the GB News thread.

[Sonny_Jim]

Wasn't there a Hendrix biopic that failed to secure any Hendrix tracks.

If it's the one I saw, it's alright.  They sidestep the licensing problem by having Hendrix play Beatle covers.

From the ROTF cast biographies Terry Stone "Was a rave promoter before turning to acting.

Ah yes, Terry Turbo.  Stumbled across his autobiography whilst looking for something else and ended up reading a bit of it.  He comes across as a massive twat who thinks he invented all dance music and is in general a 'pwopa nawty geeza'.

When's the White Glove Massive watchalong?

[j4everuk]

[url][/urlhttps://www.amazon.co.uk/Ropes-DVD-Mark-Noyce/dp/B01I06P816/ref=sr_1_4?adgrpid=3804466265&hvadid=8861345465&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=40862&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvtargid=kwd-80470574682352%3Aloc-188&keywords=on+the+ropes+dvd&qid=1636482989&qsid=260-4848728-7534233&sr=8-4&sres=B00UGQ64N0%2CB01I08FNTQ%2CB07L15K48K%2CB01I06P816%2CB001AS743M%2CB00JDD09CE%2C6311583216%2CB00004CZEV%2CB000I5XNII%2CB00FZC76PK%2CB01JPLQV84%2CB00W1U5LU6%2CB0178EQZ36%2CB09KPZH3HX%2CB07GR6XTFN%2C1623494540


just watched this film on the ropes this has to be on the list anyone else seen it

[Famous Mortimer]

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ropes-DVD-Mark-Noyce/dp/B01I06P816/

is the link to On The Ropes, as lord knows what j4ever did to his link. Looks terrible, though not terrible in a fun way. Ben Dover, UK cocksmith extraordinaire, is apparently in it?

[George White]

I will, because I don't recommend anybody watch it:

Spoiler alert

The dead guy fancied one of the other guys so faked his death, had gender-reassignment surgery, and is how his girlfriend. And then tries to kill everyone. It's a fucking disgustingly transphobic, homophobic, nasty piece of shit of a film.

[close]

What else? Storage 24, a mind-meltingly boring action horror written by and starring Noel Clarke. Utter crap.
Ecstacy. I've not read the Irvine Welsh novel it's based on, but my God was the film dire. One of those I was continually hoping would just end, because I watched it at a time when I would try and force myself through every film I started.
Outcast. 2010 Scottish horror by Colm McCarthy that's phenomenally dull, staggeringly ugly, and has possibly the most obvious twist I've ever seen in a film.

When is the CaB watchalong for White Glove Massive, anyway?

Ecstasy is actually an all-Canadian production. BIlly Boyd apparently hit out to Scottish Screen for turning down financing for it, which meant the film had to be shot ninety per cent in Toronto. They also cut out the subplot about the kids TV presenter who does 'work' at the hospital mortuary, made pre-Yewrree...

[Beep Cleep Chimney]

Sex lives of the potato men

As discussed previously on here, enjoyment of 'Sex Lives of The Potato Men' is increased ten-fold by watching it on DVD with the Audio Descripton track on instead.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIAuUQZVGGI

[monkfromhavana]

I have just caught up with this thread. When can we watch White Glove Massive please?

[purlieu]

BIlly Boyd apparently hit out to Scottish Screen for turning down financing for it

Don't blame them, to be honest.

And yeah, still waiting for White Glove Massive.

[imitationleather]

I have just caught up with this thread. When can we watch White Glove Massive please?

Was just coming here to say if we don't actually fucking do this soon I'm going to start hurting people.

Can't believe I went round nagsworth/Mollusk's house and instead of watching it we put on a fucking Disney cartoon instead. Still raging 14 months later.

'Scuse me, just about to get some massive white gloves bloody.

[non capisco]

I'd completely forgotten about White Glove Massive and now my need to see it is even more intense than it was the first time round.

[privatefriend]

I have just caught up with this thread. When can we watch White Glove Massive please?

Same, anyone care to share?

[Junglist]

On the other hand, I just heard about Sphere of Fear and its sequel Sphere of Fear 2 (apologies I mentioned this in another entirely urelated thread). The actual IMDb plot summary for the first film is:It's the only thing on IMDb that the director or most of the cast have done. There doesn't seem to be a trailer for the first film anywhere, but IMDb lists one review:There is equally little info about the second film, except it stars John Altman, best known as Dot Cotton's son on EastEnders.

I might be able to get the first, screenshots look banging.