Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 28, 2024, 08:35:39 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Radio-station cliches you want to fuck the fuck off

Started by thecuriousorange, August 08, 2018, 05:33:17 PM

Previous topic - Next topic
A 20-second clip of unfunny presenting-team BANTER, followed by the main presenter's name said in a deep voice, to advertise one of the station's other programmes. Yes, they've been playing local radio in my office.

Lemming

A good song plays, and the best part of that song is the outro. As soon as we reach the outro, some cunt chimes in with "OOH YEAH WHAT A CLASSIC, HAVEN'T PLAYED THAT ONE IN AGES, YEAHHH GREAT STUFF THERE, OHHH THIS IS THE BEST BIT", utterly drowning out the music.


Sebastian Cobb

They play capital in my works bogs, presumably to stop people being in there too long. I swear whenever I go in there it's playing one of 3 songs.

I'm worried that if I hear them outside of the toilets they might have a pavlovian effect.

Sebastian Cobb



New Jack

Playing music, or talking. Bo-ring. Newsflash, radio guys: it's been done.

Phil_A

I thought I'd heard the worst of daytime radio until we started having Kiss on in the office.

To listen to Kiss is to be subjected to a non-stop barrage of corporate propaganda. All the big name brands have bought up a huge amount of airtime so you will have their messages hammered into your ears hour after hour. Coke. McDonalds. Coke. There's so much Coke shilling you'd think they owned the station(maybe they do?). The effect of it is numbing to the point where it stops even being angering and it all just washes you over you in a grey tide of capitalist sludge.

I couldn't tell you who the presenters are as they appear to've been denied any distinguishing characteristics that would allow the listener to tell one from another. The men are nondescript and the women are gushingly over-enthusiastic. Their function is only to hype a pre-determined playlist of songs that is the same playlist they played yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that...and to occasionally read out identical sounding tweets about how so and so is "LOVIN THIS CHOON!! DANCIN IN MY KITCHEN!!"

As for music, well...it's not really aimed at me I guess, but even bearing that in mind, the lack of variety is punishing. I must've heard that fucking Cardi B song so many times it's starting to give me a Captain Darling eye-twitch every time it starts up again.

They also have another station called Kisstory that is basically exactly the same except it only plays old songs ("old" here being defined as between around 1995-2001).  This is slightly preferable except that it's the same old songs, every...single...day. Basically it's no better than Classic Gold(the terror of all workplaces in the early 2000s) except that instead of hearing Waterloo fifteen times a day you hear The Real Slim Shady fifteen times a day instead.

Phil_A

Oh, in answer to the thread question, DJs playing back a recording of some hilarious bantz from earlier in the same show just in case you missed any of the top fun bantz and don't feel left out. Scott Cunting Mills does this all the time and I hate it and him.

Sebastian Cobb

Why on earth are you made to endure that? Why do some people think that is better than, say, 6 music?

Why haven't you smashed the radio/asked the boss if they've paid for a PRS licence and if not they are breaking THE LAW?

Phil_A

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on August 08, 2018, 08:02:20 PM
Why on earth are you made to endure that? Why do some people think that is better than, say, 6 music?

Why haven't you smashed the radio/asked the boss if they've paid for a PRS licence and if not they are breaking THE LAW?

Heh, I've tried that but 6 is not a popular choice it turns out, bearing in mind everyone else in the office is about ten, or in one case 20 years outside that target demographic. I can only imagine it must sound like the oldest old person's station to someone that young, what with Grumpy Grandpa Radcliffe every afternoon. It always gets switched over within a day, so I've given up and just change it when there's no-one else in. There's always headphones.

It's my radio unfortunately, so no smashy smashy. Although it was only £20.

Brundle-Fly

Quote from: Phil_A on August 08, 2018, 07:49:11 PM

...and to occasionally read out identical sounding tweets about how so and so is "LOVIN THIS CHOON!! DANCIN IN MY KITCHEN!!"


On 6Music it's always, "grinning like a loon and dancing around the kitchen."

With the assurance of sounding like a miserable cunt this really grinds my gears. It's like listeners making requests; I don't see the point.

"Lammo, please play  Friday I'm In Love by The Cure I because haven't heard it since last Tuesday?"

Spiteface

Quote from: Phil_A on August 08, 2018, 07:49:11 PM
I thought I'd heard the worst of daytime radio until we started having Kiss on in the office.
You don't know what pain and suffering is. That would be Magic. Or Nation.

Music for people who like any semblance of an edge completely smoothed off.
I try, I'll put 6Music on or something in the afternoon, but as soon as Ileave, I know some fucker on evenings has switched it back over.
Fuck Abba.

shiftwork2

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on August 08, 2018, 07:03:51 PM
Sean 'Professional dour Northerner' Keaveny.

Has to be on the way out now.  It's no longer an act.  There's a new feature where he claims nobody listens to the middle hour at all.  Having said that, he does retain his ludicrous 'yes, I find that happens when I do Edinburgh stand-up too' manner when talking to comedians esp this week.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Brundle-Fly on August 08, 2018, 09:16:19 PM
On 6Music it's always, "grinning like a loon and dancing around the kitchen."

With the assurance of sounding like a miserable cunt this really grinds my gears. It's like listeners making requests; I don't see the point.

"Lammo, please play  Friday I'm In Love by The Cure I because haven't heard it since last Tuesday?"

Remember when you got dickheads phoning up Dave 'I wear a cap to hide my knob' Pearce to tell him that they're on the way back from 'crasher with Spud, Chicken and Wozza and still HAVING IT LARGE in a service station near Daventry?

Days are gone, thank fuck.

Phil_A

Quote from: Spiteface on August 08, 2018, 09:21:51 PM
You don't know what pain and suffering is. That would be Magic. Or Nation.

Music for people who like any semblance of an edge completely smoothed off.


Oh, I've experienced the slow suffocating death that is Smooth Extra, which I think is basically the same thing as Magic? All big hair power ballads and maudlin seventies radio hits. It certainly is a thing when the highlight of your day is waiting for them to play "What A Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers.

finnquark

Absolutely love Andrew Castle's Sunday night show on smooth extra. Cup of cocoa and Castle gently introducing this weeks 'guest artist' (Luther Vandross, Elton, Diana Ross, repeat cycle).

I listen voluntarily (as opposed to at work) to lots of talk radio, primarily Five Live and Talksport. Talksport shows are remarkable for their time filling efforts, including genuinely mind-numbing 'games' played between presenters. The worst of these is blankety blank on the midnight show, where the three men behind the desk give Cundy and Goldstein a first name and the plucky lair have to name five famous people of that name. The exciting twist is that the three guys in the studio have each picked on famous person, and if Cundy and Goldstein say any of those three, they lose! This is stretched out to take anything between five and twenty minutes.

Phil_A

I'm sure no-one will disagree the adverts on all Global's stations are the purest hell. You know the ones, Co-op Travel Insurance, Smug McDonalds spokescunt telling us Chicken McNuggets are made of meat, Dominos Pizza, Coke have made a new fucking flavour of Coke, etc etc.

But the worst, the absolute worst, is a jingle for Oasis which they claim is the result of some sort of competition where they ask amateur songwriters to ironically sell-out by writing an ad jingle(I don't believe they really did this and probably just hired professional songwriting hacks to knock out something that sounds a bit amateurish).

I cannot put into words how irritating this jingle is to hear multiple times a day.

TOGETHERNESS EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DRINK OASIS
EVERYONE DRINK UP NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SEX OR RACE IS

It makes me want to bash my brains to jelly. I cannot. fucking. stand it.

finnquark

Fuck yeah that's insanely bad. Almost started a thread based on that a while ago, I hear it on heart fm every now and again, another station of utter dross. Doesn't it then say:

WE'RE NOT TRYING TO SAVE ANY SOULS
JUST TRYNA SMASH OUR ANNUAL PROFIT GOALS

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: Special K on August 08, 2018, 06:31:57 PM
Matt Berry on Absolute

Everything about absolute.

They have a roster of about 20 songs it seems. NOBODY needs to hear God Made Rock And Roll for You every single danm fuckin day, NO ONE

the total distain with wich berry says I HAVENT HEARD IT IN AAAAAAAGGEEES does make me smirk tho

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: shiftwork2 on August 08, 2018, 10:03:17 PM
Has to be on the way out now.  It's no longer an act.  There's a new feature where he claims nobody listens to the middle hour at all.  Having said that, he does retain his ludicrous 'yes, I find that happens when I do Edinburgh stand-up too' manner when talking to comedians esp this week.

And yet it looks like Mary Anne Hobbs is taking over Laverne's slot.

https://twitter.com/maryannehobbs/status/1027482529874489344?s=19


Great move the presnters I like into the slots when I won;t be listneing and move the presenters I don't like it to the slots I do listen. (i.e on the way to and from wrok.)

Norton Canes

QuoteAfter 11 years at Breakfast Shaun Keaveny will present weekday afternoons

YES!!

Bazooka

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on August 08, 2018, 07:02:18 PM
They play capital in my works bogs, presumably to stop people being in there too long. I swear whenever I go in there it's playing one of 3 songs.

I'm worried that if I hear them outside of the toilets they might have a pavlovian effect.

I had a factory job a few years ago and the repetition of the job was only amplified by Capital FM being on all day, in an 8 hour shift I'd hear each pop hit a minimum of 9 times maybe more. Real shit for cunts stuff.

Barry Admin

No more afternoon 6 Music for me. They should have left Radcliffe there, and moved Maconie and Keaveny to weekends. Will be tuning into MAH frequently though.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Bazooka on August 09, 2018, 11:10:47 AM
I had a factory job a few years ago and the repetition of the job was only amplified by Capital FM being on all day, in an 8 hour shift I'd hear each pop hit a minimum of 9 times maybe more. Real shit for cunts stuff.

I had a similar experience involving a summer spent on a weighbridge at a tip. Even radio 2 got unbearably repetitive, I started bringing a handful of cd's in instead.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Barry Admin on August 09, 2018, 11:20:05 AM
No more afternoon 6 Music for me. They should have left Radcliffe there, and moved Maconie and Keaveny to weekends. Will be tuning into MAH frequently though.

Yeah I'm glad MAH is moving because I rarely got up early enough to hear her on weekends. They should've binned one of the old guard and given Nemone a show.

paruses

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on August 09, 2018, 11:35:37 AM
I had a similar experience involving a summer spent on a weighbridge at a tip. Even radio 2 got unbearably repetitive, I started bringing a handful of cd's in instead.

I worked several summers in a ceramics factory in my late teens and could never understand why the old boy on one of the kilns used to throw tyres at the speaker when Radio 1 (the station of choice) came on. These days I could empathise completely with him. The solution was to have "radio hours" to appease people and also to disconnect the speaker near him. I never found out where the tyre came from in the first place nor why they didn't just take it off him.

Bogbrainedmurphy

During a promo for an upcoming program, someone (usually female) having their voice put through a synthesiser to change the tone of part of the sentence - I notice this a lot on Radio 5.

The gym I'm at insists on playing Capital FM every bastard day. Joe and Meg in the morning, fuck me. I don't know if they have to pretend to be that vacuous or they actually are, but it's excruciating. Joe sets up an "OMG you wont BELIEVE what happened to me last night" story, Meg goes "OMG what, what? tell me go onnnnn", for Joe to launch into a story about how he accidentally texted the wrong number while watching Love Island, which sends Meg off into a tailspin of laughter.

On the subject of laughter. When someone (usually the host) makes a standard joke and everyone else sees fit to laugh hysterically into the microphone.