Author Topic: friend committed murder-suicide  (Read 3818 times)

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #30 on: August 10, 2018, 12:32:14 AM »
So sorry to hear this, gout_pony.  I can't think of anything to say, but I hope you are able to get any support you need and wish you all the best.  Don't feel bad about staying here and chatting with us idiots if it'll help.

Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #31 on: August 10, 2018, 12:34:16 AM »
Thanks. It does. Spoke to Samaritans, which did help a bit. Fucking OCD means that I keep getting images of what the room might've looked like flashing into my mind's eye.

mothman

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #32 on: August 10, 2018, 12:38:39 AM »
There’s nothing you could have done, that’s the thing to remember. You were newly friends, you didn’t fail them. Obvious thing to say, I admit, but sometimes even the obvious needs to be stated. You know it, but you don’t KNOW it.

shiftwork2

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #33 on: August 10, 2018, 02:23:45 AM »
Thoughts are with you.

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #34 on: August 10, 2018, 08:01:12 AM »
Very sorry to hear about this. I'd like to echo what mothman said as well. 

Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #35 on: August 10, 2018, 08:06:35 AM »
I'm not going to read the Sun but sounds shit.

Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #36 on: August 10, 2018, 09:03:33 AM »
I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. That's very sad news fella. Lean on whatever services are available to you for support, including your GP. Try to be kind to yourself over the coming days and weeks. It goes without saying that there's nothing you did or could have done to affect this in any way. X

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #37 on: August 10, 2018, 09:07:13 AM »
Thanks. It does. Spoke to Samaritans, which did help a bit. Fucking OCD means that I keep getting images of what the room might've looked like flashing into my mind's eye.

That's not OCD, it's the way almost everyone reacts.  You have to get through it.  You will get through it.  All the what ifs.  Grief.  Anger.  Horror.  Guilt.  Bear it and if you can't bear it, as others have said, talk, share the burden. 

Eventually, you will start to feel yourself coming out the other side of it though it doesn't seem possible now.

neveragain

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #38 on: August 10, 2018, 09:32:11 AM »
I echo those comments.

So sorry to hear this Gout. Talk to people, take time out and remember to look after yourself. And obviously it's not your fault so try to stop that sort of thinking as soon as it starts.

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #39 on: August 10, 2018, 11:15:50 AM »
Fucking hell, mate, that's awful. I really don't know what to add to what others have said.

Comments section trolls can fuck themselves.

Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #40 on: August 10, 2018, 11:25:07 AM »
I'm going to chat to my sister about it

That's a good idea. Whatever about internet chat but actual conversation with a real life person is the best way to begin processing a deep shock like this.

Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #41 on: August 10, 2018, 12:11:54 PM »
That's a good idea. Whatever about internet chat but actual conversation with a real life person is the best way to begin processing a deep shock like this.

Wish my best friend wasn't so unwell... my other closest friend is an angry soul and said "He was a monster. I refuse to pity him" and "I guess you feel bad that you didn't detect anything. That's what weirds me out. If anyone can spot something like that it's you" - which speaks to how well she knows my thought processes, of course, but is a very hard thing to sit with. ERGGGGGGG.

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #42 on: August 10, 2018, 12:15:45 PM »
Wish my best friend wasn't so unwell... my other closest friend is an angry soul and said "He was a monster. I refuse to pity him" and "I guess you feel bad that you didn't detect anything. That's what weirds me out. If anyone can spot something like that it's you" - which speaks to how well she knows my thought processes, of course, but is a very hard thing to sit with. ERGGGGGGG.

Oh mate, please don't beat yourself up about this. Based on what you've posted I doubt anyone could have foreseen this happening.

Thoughts are with you. Speak to friends who won't immediately make you feel even worse about this, if that's possible.

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #43 on: August 10, 2018, 12:22:16 PM »
"I guess you feel bad that you didn't detect anything. That's what weirds me out. If anyone can spot something like that it's you" - which speaks to how well she knows my thought processes, of course, but is a very hard thing to sit with. ERGGGGGGG.

It's perfectly ordinary to not imagine the most horrific possible scenario when you visit some friends, even when the mood is a bit off and they seem not to be talking much or whatever.

It would say much more about anyone in your shoes if, instead of assuming the couple had just had a bit of a tiff, or been up all night for one reason or other and were fucking shattered, you concluded a scenario like this was on the horizon.  Anyone who genuinely reaches such conclusions would have to be routinely doing so, and constantly wrong in their endless judgements of other people's motives.

It is unimaginable and you could not have foreseen or prevented it.  Do yourself a massive favour and release yourself from any sense of responsibility that you're concocting around this.

Buelligan

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #44 on: August 10, 2018, 12:23:34 PM »
It's absolutely true.  When my friends died, I was with them the night before, we were on the terrace outside, it was hot.  I saw the person that killed them drive past slowly staring and said to my friends jokingly that it made me uneasy to see outsider's cars on the little road (because we always laughed about our village being only for local people).  I've hated myself for years that I didn't pick up on this person's intention and stop it but the reality is, it was impossible. 

It's completely natural to have this what-if-guilt after something like this but it's not rational, it's just a thing our poor brains do when they've had a bit of a shock and we're casting about desperately for logic and reason.  We are not responsible for what other people do and we cannot save the world.

Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #45 on: August 10, 2018, 12:33:13 PM »
Thanks Buellers and others. I think people like to think that in my situation they would have been able to stop it. I guess when in the past I'd read papers and saw comments from people saying "They were the quiet type who you'd never think would do something like that" I was skeptical... but I get it now.

Buelligan

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #46 on: August 10, 2018, 12:40:56 PM »
I think people like to think that in my situation they would have been able to stop it.

People like to think a lot of things gouty.  In the gulf between thought and reality lies an ocean of insensitivity and arrogance.

Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #47 on: August 10, 2018, 12:48:18 PM »
Thanks Buellers and others. I think people like to think that in my situation they would have been able to stop it. I guess when in the past I'd read papers and saw comments from people saying "They were the quiet type who you'd never think would do something like that" I was skeptical... but I get it now.

A simple loss of control from a temporary mental disturbance is I suspect very common in these situations if perhaps not as compelling a narrative for the media.

Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #48 on: August 10, 2018, 12:59:43 PM »
"I guess you feel bad that you didn't detect anything. That's what weirds me out. If anyone can spot something like that it's you"

I can see your mental state and general personality will tend towards looking for your fault in all this but the guy went into what is probably a psychotic episode. Unlikely you'll ever know for sure as the prime witnesses are no longer with us. You should keep speaking to your sister and any real person you know. Maybe lean more on the people who are less likely to implicate you.

Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #49 on: August 10, 2018, 01:02:10 PM »
It would say much more about anyone in your shoes if, instead of assuming the couple had just had a bit of a tiff, or been up all night for one reason or other and were fucking shattered, you concluded a scenario like this was on the horizon

Columbo wouldn't foresee something like this.

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #50 on: August 10, 2018, 01:43:56 PM »
Exactly - if anyone COULD foresee this sort of thing, it wouldn't happen.  The fact that it does so often all over the world...well, let that speak volumes to you, gout.

Have you spoken to anyone since the Samaritans (other than us cunts)?  Did you speak to your sister?  Have you contacted the police?

And what frame of mind are you in this afternoon? 

Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #51 on: August 10, 2018, 02:12:23 PM »
A bit disassociativey and still in a state of shock, I think. I kept really feeling really nauseous and like I wanted to throw up, so did so, which was good. A confused mix of confusion, sadness and anger, also... but somewhat muted. I don't know if that's the anti-depressants or just that it still seems unreal. I haven't phoned the police... I'm not sure what to say really.

Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #52 on: August 10, 2018, 02:20:09 PM »
Phoned the police and there were quite rude/ non-plussed about my calling... Hopefully more will come out at the inquest.

Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #53 on: August 10, 2018, 02:23:12 PM »
Phoned the police and there were quite rude/ non-plussed about my calling... Hopefully more will come out at the inquest.

You've done that so it's over to them now. At least it's out of the way and you can forget it. Take care and look after yourself.

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #54 on: August 10, 2018, 02:29:58 PM »
A bit disassociativey and still in a state of shock, I think. I kept really feeling really nauseous and like I wanted to throw up, so did so, which was good. A confused mix of confusion, sadness and anger, also... but somewhat muted. I don't know if that's the anti-depressants or just that it still seems unreal.

You're still in shock - normal.


Phoned the police and there were quite rude/ non-plussed about my calling... Hopefully more will come out at the inquest.

I'm VERY disappointed to hear that.  I would've thought they'd at least be able to point you in a few directions even if they haven't currently got any support of their own to offer.  Without wanting to hijack this thread, but as it's apposite and to highlight why I'm disappointed - when one of our neighbours was murdered a few months ago the PCSOs were very quick to make sure that everyone immediately surrounding was okay and gave us all leaflets and phone numbers to call should we need to.  Granted, it was a completely different set of circumstances, but that shouldn't mean that support goes out the window.  In any case, you've "done your bit", even if they aren't fucked.


A couple of things you need to make sure you do now - eat, drink and get some sleep.  I know that sounds both stupid and, almost certainly, difficult at this time, but your body and brain go into overdrive whilst in a state of shock, even if you feel totally numb, so you need to make sure you keep yourself fuelled.  If your stomach turns at the thought of food and drink, then just some toast and water or a cup of sweet tea or something, and then lie down and relax as best you can - maybe with something in the background that you know relaxes you (music, daytime quiz shows on TV, whatever).

rue the polywhirl

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #55 on: August 10, 2018, 02:36:12 PM »
Phoned the police and there were quite rude/ non-plussed about my calling... Hopefully more will come out at the inquest.

Police probably quite tied up and busy with other things. Best to cut them a little bit of slack.

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #56 on: August 10, 2018, 02:39:48 PM »
Phoned the police and there were quite rude/ non-plussed about my calling...

That's, sadly, par for the course with contacting plod. Don't pay it any heed, you've done what you needed to do there.

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #57 on: August 10, 2018, 02:55:49 PM »
my other closest friend is an angry soul and said .... "I guess you feel bad that you didn't detect anything. That's what weirds me out. If anyone can spot something like that it's you"

Doesnt strike me as much of a friend, Im afraid. Just to echo what everyone else has said, theres nothing you or anyone could have done.

I hope you get through this as easily as possible. x

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Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #58 on: August 10, 2018, 03:17:40 PM »
Police probably quite tied up and busy with other things. Best to cut them a little bit of slack. assume they will be murdering someone soon.

Sorry.  Couldn't resist.

Re: friend committed murder-suicide
« Reply #59 on: August 10, 2018, 03:21:41 PM »
Doesnt strike me as much of a friend, Im afraid. Just to echo what everyone else has said, theres nothing you or anyone could have done.

I hope you get through this as easily as possible. x

She can be great, but wasn't really the best person to be around online - she's a blunt and often nihilistic sort. However, she'll always make herself available and is very loyal. Scary person to not have on your side...

I ended up talking to my best friend about it and he was more able to engage and quiet his anxieties for a while than I expected, which was really appreciated.

My adrenaline levels have bef dropped a bit now and I've stopped trying to frantically read about what happened. I'm glad that the last time I saw them we watched comedy because then at least I know they both laughed in the last month of their lives.