Men who use dogs as an excuse to walk in public

[Shit Good Nose]

We're not talking about walking to the shops, or any other kind of obviously purposeful transit (if there are shops near by - if you're in the country -  a small rucksack and walking boots serve as a fairly decent alibi if you are without a dog to walk).

It's the meandering laps of the park, where the only thing you could possibly be doing in the absence of a dog - in the eyes of a probably imaginary onlooker - is ogling the lovely young ladies in the sun, or worse.

There is a reason why it's called Dogging, after all.

Walking through/around the park to get my snouts as it's the shortest route, obvs.  And then once around as I forgot to pick up my subscription copy of Knave.

God, you're all such accusing Adams!  GAW!

[biggytitbo]

And what I don't understand is does anyone ever think a man walking in public without a dog is doing anything other than walking to the shops to buy his snouts and pick up his subscription copy of Knave, or going to the bookies?

Maybe if he's naked from the waist down they get suspicious?

[Shit Good Nose]

Only if he's got a raging stiffy.

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

I went for an evening stroll in the park last weekend after being cooped up cleaning my gaff all day. True story.

Pervert.

[Icehaven]

I had no idea men (some men? most men?) felt awkward walking without either a destination or a dog. I read a thing the other day where a woman said her brother had been reading about harassment and sexism, and he said to her ''Did you know there are men who shout things at women from cars and vans?!'' I feel like him now.

[biggytitbo]

If you don't have a dog you could always push a wheelbarrow around, people will think you're merely on your way to pick up some rubble and nobody will be any the wiser.

[Large Noise]

Was eating lunch (soup & bread) on a park bench on Monday and this wee dog came over and started eating the little bits of bread that had fallen at my feet. Then it started looking up and effectively asking for some of the bread in my hand. It wouldn't keep up with its owner so she came over to to get it. I look up and she's really pretty, with this friendly apologetic smile. It was my big chance to make conversation. In fact the conversation had already started, all I had to do was participate in it.

But I shat it and just grunted and probably seemed like I was pissed off she was interrupting my time alone with my soup.

[Icehaven]

Was eating lunch (soup & bread) on a park bench on Monday and this wee dog came over and started eating the little bits of bread that had fallen at my feet. Then it started looking up and effectively asking for some of the bread in my hand. It wouldn't keep up with its owner so she came over to to get it. I look up and she's really pretty, with this friendly apologetic smile. It was my big chance to make conversation. In fact the conversation had already started, all I had to do was participate in it.

But I shat it and just grunted and probably seemed like I was pissed off she was interrupting my time alone with my soup.

You are in a Richard Curtis film. Don't panic, just show up next Monday with alphabet soup and offer her some that spells out ''fancy going for a drink?'' If something by Take That or Elbow starts up in the background you're on.

[Shit Good Nose]

Was eating lunch (soup & bread) on a park bench on Monday and this wee dog came over and started eating the little bits of bread that had fallen at my feet. Then it started looking up and effectively asking for some of the bread in my hand. It wouldn't keep up with its owner so she came over to to get it. I look up and she's really pretty, with this friendly apologetic smile. It was my big chance to make conversation. In fact the conversation had already started, all I had to do was participate in it.

But I shat it and just grunted and probably seemed like I was pissed off she was interrupting my time alone with my soup.

Classic misanthropic CaBbery.

[Large Noise]

You are in a Richard Curtis film. Don't panic, just show up next Monday with alphabet soup and offer her some that spells out ''fancy going for a drink?'' If something by Take That or Elbow starts up in the background you're on.

I'm Ewen Bremner woefully miscast.

[Glebe]

It's a sad reflection on our society when a bloke can't have a calming, healthy walk without being considered a weirdo.

[Shit Good Nose]

It's a sad reflection on our society when a bloke can't have a calming, healthy walk without being considered a weirdo.

Remember - the world we live in now is one where both everything and nothing is okay all at the same time.  Best not to look, point, gesture, whisper, use words, and instead just make posts about crisps.  Even then you risk causing buzby a meltdown if you say you thought Brannigans disappeared years ago...

[Uncle TechTip]

I've been going out on my bike a bit, just an hour after work, to try and get some exercise I enjoy, and I always feel that because I just wear trackies and not the full twat uniform people must think I'm a wrong un, because grown men on bikes in normal clothes are probably up to something dodgy, aren't they.

[Barry Admin]

Yeah I have to wear very faded awful-looking trousers because jeans cause me enough discomfort already, and they're just no good for cycling in.

[Shit Good Nose]

I've been going out on my bike a bit, just an hour after work, to try and get some exercise I enjoy, and I always feel that because I just wear trackies and not the full twat uniform people must think I'm a wrong un, because grown men on bikes in normal clothes are probably up to something dodgy, aren't they.

Depends - do you ride on the pavement sans helmet?  And pop the odd wheelie?

[Glebe]

Is it alright to walk a macaque instead of a dog? Is that weird?

[Sebastian Cobb]

Yeah I have to wear very faded awful-looking trousers because jeans cause me enough discomfort already, and they're just no good for cycling in.

Cargo shorts are my goto when I'm cycling. Trousers only get bitten by the chain or covered in oil.

[kngen]

Don't walk too fast, lest people will think you're a junkie on the way to get a tenner-bag.

[Shit Good Nose]

Is it alright to walk a macaque instead of a dog? Is that weird?

Only if one or both of you has a raging stiffy.

[bgmnts]

Do Macaques throw faeces?

[Sony Walkman Prophecies]

It's a very odd thing, dog-walking. Particularly in the hands of the English. "I love my dog, oh yeah I do!" All that sexual sublimation.

Of course, if you're not confident enough to walk on your own and don't own a pet animal, you can always turn leaving the house into exercise. No one can build up a mental picture of your disgusting habits and depraved inner world when you're running. Well, they can. But they'll have far less to go on.

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

Anybody doubting the walking weirdo phenomenon only needs to look at our sister America. Over there if you're out walking, because you actually want to walk, they'll taser and deport you without trial.

[owlboy]

It's a very odd thing, dog-walking. Particularly in the hands of the English. "I love my dog, oh yeah I do!" All that sexual sublimation.

It is indeed. Everybody in the Greek countryside has a dog and nobody ever walks a dog.

[Uncle TechTip]

Anybody doubting the walking weirdo phenomenon only needs to look at our sister America. Over there if you're out walking, because you actually want to walk, they'll taser and deport you without trial.

This attitude is reinforced from the top; every other street has a sign saying DON'T WALK in big red letters.

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

This attitude is reinforced from the top; every other street has a sign saying DON'T WALK in big red letters.

When you think about it; not walking is the basis of capitalism.

[Psmith]

I walk as much as I can, with or without the dog, because one day due to old age or illness I won't be able to.

[Dex Sawash]

Walking in new York(shire terrier)

[Spoon of Ploff]

This happens a lot when I'm out walking in the local countryside:

"woof growl grwwww woof"

"Oh don't mind him. He's just confused because you don't have a dog."

"oh right. Ha ha ha ha (f**k off)"



_{The bit in brackets happens in my head. The first line is the dog talking}

[Buelligan]

Walk about in the dead of night, no need for a dog then, the darkness will hide your shame.

[Lost Oliver]

I LOVE dogs but when you're on holiday in Cornwall or wherever and every other person is a couple walking their dog it starts to grate.

It's the predictable interaction that annoys the frig out of me. How can they not get tired of it too? It's almost as if they WANT this.

Dog owner: Charlie, get back, be a good boy, that's it
Me: Awww

Followed by an awkward smile between the two of us

Eugh. It kills me how polite and false the whole thing is. And it happens ever other 15 minutes.

Recently I started just focusing on the dog and blowing it a little kiss. I'm not sure how that's received as I don't look for the owners response.

I'm tired of it all.

I could just ignore it, see it as charitable duty but it kills my soul. Authenticity, for whatever reason it's important for me. I wish I could just not give a shit.

Wow, that took a sad turn.