X Factor 2018

[Clownbaby]

I always end up watching this even though every year I say I won't. I don't know why I bother cause it always just irritates me haha

[BlodwynPig]

Cracking post. Will watch.

[Artemis]

Wasn't going to bother. Will now.

[Clownbaby]

Oh ha-ha just starting a thread in case anyone was gonna watch it

[Gulftastic]

I don't start my annual hate watch until the live shows begin. See you then.

[Uncle TechTip]

I caught a few minutes of this. A dreadful boy band called No Labels. Their stupid families were all there and they must have tricked the band into thinking they were any good, they were all keen to see them humiliated, pretending they had a chance. I'm glad the producers put them through the pre-audition so they could be ashamed in front of Cowell, Robbie Williams and Dan from One Direction. These idiots needed to be taught a lesson.

[machotrouts]

No Labels

In hindsight, poor choice of name for a band trying to get signed

[Clownbaby]

Robbie Williams superfan had me cringin'

Also Ayda is just as pointless as I thought she'd be

[Golden E. Pump]

This is still going?

[BlodwynPig]

Robbie Williams superfan had me cringin'

Also Ayda is just as pointless as I thought she'd be

Bleedin' Ayda

[machotrouts]

Ivo Dimchev was the only person this series who I thought had a genuinely pleasant voice to listen to, and because The X Factor has spent 15 years training its audience to believe that volume is the only metric by which vocal talent should be judged, he got booed to fuck every time he appeared for not honking and retching like a cunt

[Clownbaby]

Ivo Dimchev was the only person this series who I thought had a genuinely pleasant voice to listen to, and because The X Factor has spent 15 years training its audience to believe that volume is the only metric by which vocal talent should be judged, he got booed to fuck every time he appeared for not honking and retching like a cunt

Him getting booted off his chair immediately to make room for that sassy husky voiced fat woman who is basically identical to the other sassy husky voiced fat woman completely killed my interest in watching this series, not gonna lie. But, I can't help wondering why he thought the X Factor would be a suitable and credible place for him to do his thing in the first place. This is a show that thinks a man singing Nessun Dorma in a high voice is really amazing and weird what the fuck wow its a man but he's not got a deep voice wow opera is so strange

"Honking and retching like a cunt" is spot on by the way

[Blue Jam]

This is still going?

I used to love it back in the day but the format went stale long ago. The last series I bothered with was the one with Wagner and Katie Waisel- that one got a bit nasty with the producers trying to sabotage Wagner's efforts, and the bending of the rules to ensure Waisel (whom they bought out of an existing deal) made it to the last eight and got to go on the tour. After that they broke the auditions and I don't care if they later un-broke them, I'm out.

I caught a few minutes of this. A dreadful boy band called No Labels.

In hindsight, poor choice of name for a band trying to get signed

Heheheh... but a serious point: how relevant is this show now, in this age of YouTube and Bandcamp, when no-one really needs a record deal and bands have realised that they can make more money if they cut out all the middlemen? I remember contestants, in particular the Over-25's, breaking down on camera and saying things like "I want this so much, this is my last chance" and even then it seemed a bit daft, as if The X Factor was the only route into the music industry, rather than a relatively new and unusual one.

[machotrouts]

that sassy husky voiced fat woman who is basically identical to the other sassy husky voiced fat woman

They ended up getting paired together and forced to audition for the groups category, if you stopped watching before that happened.

"Do you know any Weather Girls?"

This is a show that thinks a man singing Nessun Dorma in a high voice is really amazing and weird what the fuck wow its a man but he's not got a deep voice wow opera is so strange

That was Cezar the flying Romanian vampire of Eurovision 2013 notoriety, if you weren't aware. I think I even voted for him. (I also voted for Slavko, who was canned at Judges' Houses last year, when he represented Monetenegro at Eurovision 2016.)

Weird that he didn't go through – he's probably the most vocally reliable potential novelty act they've ever had. (Cezar, not Slavko. Slavko doesn't need a voice when he's got a thing on his head.)

Oh, and the boy who got the Golden Buzzer that Simon's inexplicably dragged along with him from Britain's Got Talent achieved Ireland's fourth consecutive failure to reach the Eurovision final in 2017. He was no fun so don't bother clicking that, I just linked to it for completeness, didn't even watch it myself first, I might be linking to ISIS propaganda or a Mexican cartel beheading for all the fuck I know, it doesn't fucking matter, move on.

What's the FUCKING point of the Safe Seat? If a judge doesn't want to remove someone from their seat, then don't remove them from their seat. Literally they have all the power here. The only way I can even vaguely imagine it being useful is if they use it for a fun act loathed by the audience to stop them continually baying for their blood, concentrating the hate into a short, manageable burst, but no, they give it to the boring cunts for easy cheers. Fucking hate this show that I have watched every episode of since 2004.

[Clownbaby]

They ended up getting paired together and forced to audition for the groups category, if you stopped watching before that happened.

"Do you know any Weather Girls?"

That was Cezar the flying Romanian vampire of Eurovision 2013 notoriety, if you weren't aware. I think I even voted for him. (I also voted for Slavko, who was canned at Judges' Houses last year, when he represented Monetenegro at Eurovision 2016.)

Weird that he didn't go through – he's probably the most vocally reliable potential novelty act they've ever had. (Cezar, not Slavko. Slavko doesn't need a voice when he's got a thing on his head.)

Oh, and the boy who got the Golden Buzzer that Simon's inexplicably dragged along with him from Britain's Got Talent achieved Ireland's fourth consecutive failure to reach the Eurovision final in 2017. He was no fun so don't bother clicking that, I just linked to it for completeness, didn't even watch it myself first, I might be linking to ISIS propaganda or a Mexican cartel beheading for all the fuck I know, it doesn't fucking matter, move on.

What's the FUCKING point of the Safe Seat? If a judge doesn't want to remove someone from their seat, then don't remove them from their seat. Literally they have all the power here. The only way I can even vaguely imagine it being useful is if they use it for a fun act loathed by the audience to stop them continually baying for their blood, concentrating the hate into a short, manageable burst, but no, they give it to the boring cunts for easy cheers. Fucking hate this show that I have watched every episode of since 2004.

Oh yeah I remember Cezar, I think since him, the talent show thing is to do Nessun Dorma because I think there have been about 30 variations of Nessun Dorma every series of every talent show since, and every time the judges get amnesia and forget everyone sings that fucking song

[confettiinmyhair]

I've followed the show since day one. This series is worse than the Barlow era.

What's made it more intriguing for me in recent years has been the analysis of the show on the Sofabet site https://sofabet.com/category/x-factor/

It really focusses on the manipulation. How production and judges comments influence voting.

[Emma Raducanu]

It's very strange this year. The standard is abysmal. The judges are atrocious. What's happened to Simon cowell? Years ago he was really cutting and dismissive; that's how he built his brand.

Yet this year, he sits there fanning himself telling everyone how great they are, contrary to what I've just seen. The level of production is wildly over the top and when a contestant kicks up a fuss over losing a seat, they're basically just given it back. That lad from one direction is pure gash.

I've never enjoyed the programme but it's so irrelevant and low in standard that one must yearn for those halycon years when like darius danesh was doing his rendition of a Britney spears song.

[Clownbaby]

It's very strange this year. The standard is abysmal. The judges are atrocious. What's happened to Simon cowell? Years ago he was really cutting and dismissive; that's how he built his brand.

Yet this year, he sits there fanning himself telling everyone how great they are, contrary to what I've just seen. The level of production is wildly over the top and when a contestant kicks up a fuss over losing a seat, they're basically just given it back. That lad from one direction is pure gash.

I've never enjoyed the programme but it's so irrelevant and low in standard that one must yearn for those halycon years when like darius danesh was doing his rendition of a Britney spears song.

The fucking 6 chair challenge is pathetic. Literally all you have to do is go "nope", shake your head and grotesquely ham up "This Is Me", making sure to do that faux emotional stinkface and you're sorted. More than ever people are being blindly rewarded for screaming and bellowing and doing that fucking fun house mirror Mariah yarling

Over the past few years I'm just seeing this show as some kind of curiosity. I've never seen something more incompetently, brazenly calculating and lazy. I know that talent and "reality" shows are all edited and tweaked within an inch of their lives but there is no effort with X Factor whatsoever to at least make it convincing anymore.

[Golden E. Pump]

I've never understood why anyone watches this.

[Clownbaby]

I've never understood why anyone watches this.

I'm not really sure why I watch it anymore to be honest. It's more just to moan about it now than anything. Moan and laugh at how shit it is

[machotrouts]

The live shows start tonight. To recap, here's our final 16.


BOYS

Dalton Harris
Some fuck who sings, I don't know. Who gives a shit.

Anthony Russell
The rough little scouse feller who I think is about 40 but couldn't get into the overs category due to height restrictions.

Armstrong Martins
Think this is the one who keeps doing novelty song choices, like a soul cover of the Friends theme tune that I can't be bothered searching to see whether it was ripped off of some 4-year-old YouTube video like the twist covers on this show always fucking are.

Brendan Murray
Close your eyes and you could swear he's one of those irritating twee white girls who does wispy 80s pop song covers for adverts. He's the one who already did Eurovision and they're just not mentioning that in the hope there aren't enough people still watching to notice absolutely anything at all that happens on this fucking show.


GIRLS

Scarlett Lee
The orange girl. I'm not having a go. I'm just identifying her for you. It's fine that she's orange. Good for her.

Shan Ako
Don't remember her. My favourite.

Bella Penfold
The one who tries to rap a bit. Covered Macklemore's 'Same Love' at Judges' Houses. Mum asked "is this an original song?", as if you would write lyrics specifically slagging off "right-wing conservatives" to perform in front of Simon Cowell. Might as well diss rancid sunburnt man cleavage while she's there.

Molly Scott
Absolutely no idea. Sorry.


GROUPS

LMA Choir
A choir. Don't think they've had a choir in the live shows before. I've seen people complaining "shouldn't they be on Britain's Got Talent?", which I think is the most insulting and hurtful thing you can possibly say about any person, and yes, choirs are people too. It's important for us, as a civilised society, to remember that choristers can feel pain, and frequently do.

United Vibe
Rejected soloists boyband. I love how fucking SHITE the names they give the groups on this show are. Absolutely no way they aren't being spat out by an algorithm.

Acacia & Aaliyah
Two soloists they squidged together. Not to be confused with Panda and Burgundy, who were eliminated and ritually drowned at Judges' Houses. Think they were called "A Star" at some point, which they were right to drop, because that's a singular. Which one is a star? Too contentious. Wouldn't have worked.

Misunderstood
A duo who do original songs, I think, a bit like Rak-Su but half as much? Presumably auditioned because they saw how much success Rak-Su have had, with all the music they've been allowed to release? (Have Syco even bothered letting them record 'Dimelo' in a studio yet?)


OVERS

Olatunji Yearwood
Is this the one who was like a one-man Reggie 'n' Bollie? The theme of this series is "the same, but 50% less", which honestly is too lofty an ambition for The X Factor in 2018.

Janice Robinson
The bald lass from Livin' Joy who always has something on her head (not hair).

Giovanni Spano
The, I don't know, rock musical theatre guy or something, who must be absolutely bumming the shit out of a producer because the judges didn't seem to actually like him at any point. I'm all for someone Brian Friedman can build a stupid elaborate production around, but I'm not sure what specifically they're looking for here. The next Storm Lee?

Danny Tetley



8:25pm this evening. If you set it to record you can rewind 10 minutes after Strictly ends and catch up through the ads.

[machotrouts]

Re-appraisal now we've seen them all perform.


Misunderstood
Did an original song called "Chewing Gum". Think they rhymed it with "yum yum" or some shit. The best act of the series.

Anthony Russell
He did that song again about him having Issues. Lots of pointing and bobbing about. Has some kind of inspirational storyline about how he's into drugs and being from Liverpool.

Danny Tetley
Fuck up! Someone pressed the wrong Peter Dickson Voice button and he was announced as "ANTHONY RUSSELL". There was an awkward few seconds then Danny said "that's thrown me off, that! Start again!", and they started again. It was a very dramatic moment and the highlight of the series so far. Take what you can fucking get in this show. If I hadn't committed to doing my post in this format, it would be the only bit I'd have even bothered mentioning. But I am doing my post like this sadly.

Molly Scott
None the wiser.

Janice Robinson
Pronounces "need" as "NEEAAYURRR".

Brendan Murray
Run out of things to say now. Floundering.

Bella Penfold
Rap girl who did a nice Lesbian Remix of 'Beneath Your Beautiful'. Escalated one of the worst songs ever recorded to a solid 2/10. Well done.

Armstrong Martins
Edgy leatherclad rapper who Louis Tomlinson got to sing 'Story of My Life' by One Direction. "I think you just need a little bit more grit in it", Louis told him in his VT. "OHHHHH! THAT'S A GREAT IDEA", replied Armstrong. Mentoring, there.

Giovanni Spano
They like a bit of 'Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting' on this show. Usually they get them all to do a mimed group performance of it on the Sunday results show. It's not even prerecorded on the Saturday. No excuse.

United Vibe
Didn't really hear this over my mum's running commentary. "What is this SHIT? It's just NONSENSE. It's SHIT. It's TERRIBLE. This makes me want to HEAVE UP. Just GO AWAY."

Shan Ako
Absolutely belted the shit out of 'Imagine' by John Lennon. Apparently that's good.

Olatunji Yearwood
Did an original song called 'Jiggle It'. I think it was supposed to be fun but had a faint aura of tragedy about it. I have voted for him.

Scarlett Lee
My mum left the room with a splitting headache. She then dropped her tea in the hall and started crying.

LMA Choir
I don't know if this was good or not. It's a choir. My mum's in a choir, and sometimes she records and plays me what they've sung that week, and I have never had anything to say about it other than "I don't know if this is good or not. It's a choir." It's very rude of me if you think about it.

Acacia & Aaliyah
Very small people.

Dalton Harris
Sang or whatever. Who gives a shit.


Results have just started. Voting is still open, because this isn't the Strictly thread, they do it actually live. Genuinely pitiful how easy it is to get me invested in any shit old show that gives you 5 free votes. ITV could manipulate me into downloading an app to support my 5 favourite contestants in, fucking, I don't know, Britain's Best Rapist at Juggling, as long as it doesn't cost me more than 6 seconds of having to stare at a Just Eat ad.

[machotrouts]

Olatunji Yearwood
Did an original song called 'Jiggle It'. I think it was supposed to be fun but had a faint aura of tragedy about it. I have voted for him.

Fucking just me then.

Olatunji immediately eliminated, Janice and Armstrong in the sing-off. Congratulations to all the white people though!

Armstrong out after absolutely vomiting the fuck through 'True Colors'. Quirky song choice guy didn't even take the opportunity to do a passionate soulful rendition of 'She Bop'. "I WOULD SIGN HIM TOMORROW!", the child from One Direction kept yelling in Simon's ear, as if that means anything. Might as well say "I WOULD GO ON A SPACE ADVENTURE WITH HIM TOMORROW!". Fuck up boyband baby boy.

My mum was disappointed, because, as an avowed liberal, she pricked up her ears like a dog that's heard its own name when Armstrong did that rap that used the words "guardian" and "observer". She stared warily at the screen for a bit before evaluating his rap in the most middle-class possible way: "he's saying he likes the Guardian, right?"

[machotrouts]

Is anyone watching? Oh, it's...

Fucking just me then.

Janice is out, absolute bottom of the vote despite getting a last-in-the-running-order pimp slot and, you'd think, a bottom-three-last-week rebound. Has that ever happened? I think that's the most thoroughly an audience has ever decided to not give a shit about anyone in week 2. We've heard 'Show Me Love' so many times now, I can only assume the viewers are starting to feel insulted by the demand. "Oh, we've got to show you love, have we? We'll show you cold indifference and you'll fucking lump it, missy." We then lost the LMA Choir, a bit of good clean fun, like a 15-piece Only the Young, in a sing-off to the Eurovision elf boy – their mentor Robbie Williams promises to work with them in future anyway. Maybe he could be their LMA Manager?

I've voted for 3 of the first 4 acts out. This happens every series and it's sort of a badge of honour for me. R.I.P. LMA Choir, Janice Robinson, Olatunji Yearwood, Seann Miley Moore, Relley C, Chloe Jasmine, Kiera Weathers, Tracyleanne Jefford, Stephanie Nala, Alien Uncovered, Bupsi, Bratavio, and Blonde Electra. (It's free app votes remember, I am not a psychopath, in this specific regard.)

Also last week, Giovanni the rock theatre man announced in his VT "I'm going as far left-field as you can possibly imagine" and came out and did a cover of 'The Anal Staircase' by Coil '...Baby One More Time' by Britney Spears. Simon Cowell praised it by calling it "so nutty", "so mental", "so interesting", "so crazy", and "one of the craziest things I've ever heard on this show". Louis Tomlinson criticised it by calling it "too weird for me", and "too mental for me". I remember all of these things being said when G4 did it in series 1.

Louis Tomlinson the One Direction child is positioning himself as the fusty old fuck of the panel, like that wretched old man Nick Grimshaw who ruined series 12. Louis criticised Misunderstood because they danced a bit, on the basis that The X Factor is a "vocal competition". This is a trigger for me at the best of times – the ostensible point of The X Factor is that it's about finding popstars, not any old cunt who can stand there and sing loudly on the spot, and anyone who states otherwise as a fucking judge should be arrested and deported to The Voice – but the fucking NERVE of that coming from LOUIS TOMLINSON. The ULTIMATE beneficiary of The X Factor not actually being a vocal competition. The absolute BALLS. The goddamn HUBRIS. The motherfucking CONCEIT. The TESTICLES. Even fucking Chico would be more qualified to say that with a straight face, and he's literally had a stroke.

It's on again tonight I can't wait.

[BlodwynPig]

Here's a guddun

It is thought to be the first time voting has been cancelled in the singing show's 15-year history.

Must be easy to check, idiots.

[Clownbaby]

Louis Thomlinson is such a boring bastard. I wasn't expecting him not to be but Christ he's a boring cunt. I mean X Factor has been beyond repair for years anyway but what the judge panel does NOT need is someone who thinks anything even slightly not the same as everything else is "too weird". He thinks the Willem de foe looking lad is "too weird?" you just know he was the type of kid at school who called someone a fuckin greb if they wore Converses.

I would have liked that cover of Creep if the guy singing it had just kept the vocal gymnastics til the end. When he was finished my dad said "he's got weird eyes that lad" and seemed confused when I pointed out they were contacts

[bgmnts]

I don't watch this or Strictly but machotrouts posts are so marvellous I don't care.

[Utter Shit]

I don't have a clue about any of the people he's talking about but anyone referencing a forgotten PS1 management simulator is alright in my book.

[Isnt Anything]

After that they broke the auditions

i followed the link

now they have to perform karaoke in front of a thousand mooing wankers

In X-Factor world, you're only considered "good" if you ostentatiously bend every note like Mariah Carey folding a theremin in half.

God i love Brooker. although machotrouts came close with his honking line.

[machotrouts]

Respect to everyone on The X Factor for honouring our war dead by wearing their poppies with pride. A tasteful, solemn, seamless tribute.



















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