MATTER OF FACT THAT ED SHEERAN MOVIE WHERE EVERYONE HAS FORGOTTEN THE BEATLES

[Huxleys Babkins]

INT. CORNER SHOP

SHEERAN: I'll have 20 Benson and a packet of Ringos please, Gupta.

GUPTA: Oh, Mr. Eddie, you love those Ringos, eh?

SHEERAN: Yeah, they are better crisps than they are drummers! I love, love them do!

GUPTA: ...

SHEERAN: You know, like Ringo Starr, the drummer from the Beatles?

GUPTA: What's a Beatles, Mr. Eddie?

SHEERAN: Could it be... That I'm the only person who remembers the Beatles?

SHEERAN RUNS FROM THE SHOP INTO THE FLORISTS NEXT DOOR

SHEERAN: Mavis, do you remember Paul McCartney?

MAVIS: Of course I do, young Eddie!

SHEERAN: Phew!

MAVIS: Yes, I loved Wings. And his solo work.

SHEERAN: But what about the Beatles?

MAVIS: They get into the flower deliveries, yes. Bloody things.

SHEERAN: I mean the band!

MAVIS: Oh, we put those around the stems to keep the shape of the bouquet before we tie it up with ribbons.

SHEERAN: Oh no! Everyone has forgotten the Beatles! It could just be a coincidence though. What with the shopkeeper being from a different culture and the florist being senile. It would be easy for them to not know the Beatles.

SHEERAN TRIPS OVER THE STEP OUTSIDE THE FLORISTS AND CRASHES INTO TWO MEN IN THE STREET

PAUL MCCARTNEY: Watch it, mate!

RINGO STARR: Yeah, you could do someone a mischief!

SHEERAN: Guys, you remember don't you? When you were in a band together?

PAUL MCCARTNEY: No, Ed Sheeran. That has never happened.

RINGO STARR: I can confirm this. I've never even met George Harrison.

SHEERAN: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[Ferris]

Not even the best drummer in the... errr... y'know...

[Huxleys Babkins]

ED'S MUM: Happy Birthday, our Ed. Here's your present.

SHEERAN: *Excitedly tearing at the wrapping paper* Thanks mum!

ED'S DAD: Hope you like it, son. I have to say, the man in the shop did give me funny looks when I asked for it!

SHEERAN: I'm sure it'll be fi-

ED'S MUM: Something wrong, our Ed?

SHEERAN: It's one of the submarines you find in a fish tank, painted yellow. Filled to the brim with live beetles.

ED'S DAD: Just what you asked for!

SHEERAN: No, it's not! Surely everyone knows what Yellow Submarine by the Beatles is?

ED'S MUM: How ungrateful. Your father worked his fingers to the bone to afford that. I said he should just buy you a record token, but no, "only the best for our Ed!" You should be ashamed of yourself!

ED'S BROTHER: Yeah mum! Ed's a massive cunt, isn't he? No wonder Ellie Goulding got shot and she's no oil painting either!

ED'S MUM: I won't have language like that in this house, our Thomas! But yes; he's an utter cunt.

ED'S DAD: Should have drowned him at birth, mother. Stupid little cunt.

ED'S GRANDMA: Talentless, ugly, little ginger cunt!

SHEERAN: Sorry dad. It's a lovely present. Thank you. Sorry everyone.

ED'S GRANDMA: Worse than AIDS!

[DangledTeeth]

Int. Shopping Centre

Sheeran (Singing): My love was sewn as you looked at me. We're dancing in the night, especially. Uh-aa-oh-oh-woh. (Or however my songs go)

20-something-year-old women: SCREECH!

Sheeran: Thank-you-thank-you! I love to do quick performances in shopping centres. Yes, yes I do.

Woman: Who's influenced your music?

Sheeran: Erm... there are many wonderful people and bands I admire that have given me the vigour to produce music. But if I had to choose, it would be The Beatles.

Woman: ...

Sheeran: Th-the Beatles. You know... the 60s mega pop-rock band.

Woman 2: ...no.

Sheeran: Er, Paul. Paul McCartney. He did that song with Yeezy.

The crowd of women dart their eyes in a diagonal fixed position and raise an eyebrow as their lower lip hangs

Sheeran: WaAah-WuUuUH-waAOow-WuUuUH-WAaAAh. Siiiiimply haaa-ving a-wonderful-Christmas-time.

Women: Oh! Him, yes!

Sheeran: Well... you know that, therefore you should know at least one song by The Beatles. John Lennon an' all that. Apart from John, they've been in The Simpsons and done their voices - George, Paul & Ringo

Woman 3: Did Ringo narrate Thomas the Tank?

Sheeran: Yes! And he was the drummer in The Beatles. Come on, you must know.

Woman 3: No, ma'e, never heard of 'em before.

Sheeran appears bewildered

Backing Singers: I don't really want to stop the show. But I thought you might like to know. That the singer's going to sing a song. And he wants you all to sing along. So let me introduce to you. The one and only Ed Sheeran. And Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Plus Band

Sheeran (Singing and crying): When I get older losing my hair, many years from now. Will you still be sending me a request on FaceTime. Birthday greetings, an emoji of wine? If I'd been out till quarter to three, would you lock the door? Will you still need me, will you still tweet me, when I'm sixty-four?

[DangledTeeth]

Int. O2 Wembley or somewhere

Sheeran: Thank you and goodnight, Glastonbury.

Gig People: WHISTLE!

Sheeran: Oh, man, what a tour it's been. I just want to thank my manager, PR team...

Gig People: CHEER!

Sheeran: ...and if it wasn't for that inspirational band called The Beatles, I'd most certain-definitely wouldn't be making music.

Gig People: CRICKETS!

Sheeran: Eh, The Beatles, let's hear it, guys.

GIG People: SILENCE!

Sheeran: Oh, well, I suppose most of you snapperwhippers wouldn't have heard of them. You've all grown up with Busted...

Front Row: That's what I go to the Year 3000 fooooor..

Sheeran: Yeah, hah-hah-hah-hah, and you've been distracted by popular things like Big Brother...

The entire crowd sway side to side and sing in unison

Gig People: I want you to come onnnnn, come onnnn, come onnnn, come on and take it.. Take another little piece of my heart now, bay-behhh!

Sheeran: Nuh-nah-no-no-no-no! Not 'The Holding Company'. I meant the telly programme.

Gig People: Still a banging track, though, Ed.

Sheeran: HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU KNOW THAT MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD SONG FROM THE 1960S BUT NEVER HEARD OF THE BEATLES?!?!

Gig People: T'was on some advert, ma'e.

Sheeran: Fair dos.

Gig People: Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling. Do you feel my heart beating. Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreeeeaaaming? Is this buuuuurning an eternal flaaaaaame?

Sheeran: That's The Bangles, not The Beatles.

Gig People: NO IT AIN'T. IT'S ATOMIC KITTEN, YOU ORANGE TURD.

[Glebe]

EVERYONE: Who are The Beatles?

ED SHEERAN: Wow, this is my chance to nab their back catalogue and convince everyone I'm a musical genius!

THE END.

[Huxleys Babkins]

LOVE INTEREST: Wow, Ed, you were right. These "Beatles" are the best thing ever.

SHEERAN: It's been a "Hard Day's Night", but we got there in the end! Now lets do proper kissing as the credits roll.

GRANDMA: AIDS cunt!

[DangledTeeth]

Intro Music

Panoramic view of a thatched cottage

Int. House

Sheeran: Yaaaawn. Oooh!

Mater Sheeran: Good morning, love. Fried eggs and bacon for breakfast.

Sheeran: Nah, I'm alrigh'. I'll wait until lunch, Mum.

Pater Sheeran (Cod Yorkshire accent): Oh-aye, y'be wantin' breakfast, lad. It's realleh important y'have sommat t'start t'day.

Sheeran: But why, Dad?

Pater Sheeran: When ah gur down t'apricot pit an' do bit of grahft down thure, ah feel dead tired if ah've not eaten uh thing. Sohmetimes when ah'm on m'way home from t'apricot pit where ah did hard grahft, ah pahss through 'igh street and ah see all the loneleh people.  Where do theh all cohme from?

Sheeran: Nice Beatles reference.

Pater Sheeran: Eh? Nowt 'bout cars, son. Homeless people, as seen after day's grahft in t'apricot pit, mining for precious apricots, y'understand.

Sheeran: I mean The Beatles. They're the biggest rock band in history, rose to fame in the 1960s.

Mater Sheeran: The who?

Sheeran: Noooo. Not Roger Daltrey and friends.

Pater Sheeran: Ah think y'motheh was just ahskin' who are these Beatles.

Mater Sheeran: I've not heard of them. Are they a Soundcloud trap quintet of something?

Sheeran: No! They are, like, huuuuge and well famous. Four of them!

Pater Sheeran: Tek n'notice of him, lohve. The boy's as dahft as a butterfly's chuff.

Sheeran dashes up to his room and calls a friend as he stares at his tablet

Sheeran (On phone): Yeah, Mike... you've heard of the Beatles, haven't you? (Smiles) Yeah! See, I knew it. It's that Mandela Effect again, except people aren't wrongly remembering a word from a film's of TV programme's title, no, people aren't remembering The Beatles. People as in my mum and dad, other people might remember. I'd soon know If I ventured out then asked around instead of hysterically calling you.

Mike (On phone): It's more closer to that than you believe, Ed. I've just googled 'The Beatles' and it suggests 'The Beetles' instead. Their website is spelled the same way.

Sheeran (On phone): Fuuuuck! That's truly mental. I'll meet up with you later. Bye.

Pater Sheeran pops his head around the door

Pater Sheeran: Ah've ernly just realised who y'meant, lad. It's The Beetles. Y'must endeavour t'enunciate things propleh. Stress the dickthongs an' tha'.

Sheeran: I've never heard of the term 'diphthong' before, so I shall assume what you said was correct and hasn't been warped by the Mandela Effect.

Pater Sheeran: Any road, y'best cohme down t'have y'breakfast. Motheh's ran out of eggs and bacon, so she'd dohne yeh beens on toes.

Pater Sheeran breaks the fourth wall with an audacious wink at the lens, complete with a Looney* Tunes-style ending.

*or 'Loony' Tunes as forgetful idiots remember. We all know it was Looney Tubes.

Credits Music

[Maurice Yeatman]

SHEERAN: [begins to cry]  Why haven't any of you heard of Beatles band? I Want To Tell You, I've Just Seen A Face and I Am The Walrus.

PASSER-BY: Nonsense, you've just got a fat head.

[Bronzy]

[Yoko Ono lies destitute in a gutter in Tokyo]

[Bronzy]

INT. MEETING ROOM

TV EXECUTIVE: We need someone to do the narration for this kids show about talking trains, let's get Keith Chegwin

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

INT: A DEAD PLUSH OFFICE IN EMI FILM STUDIOS. IN THAT VERY OFFICE SIT THE ZANY  MONTY PYTHON TEAM. BEHIND A DESK SITS A STUDUIO BIGWIG, BESPECTACLED AND CIGAR SMOKING

STUDIO BIGWIG: We're not giving you any money to make your film , lads. I'm a bit of a religious feller meself, so you can all fuck off.

THE ZANY MONTY PYTHON TEAM : Oh, dear.

PETER NOONE OF HERMAN AND HIS HERMITS: Don't worry, lads. I quite like your zany comedy, so am going to give you the money to make it !

TZMPT : Hurrah !

* Peter Noone gets out his big ol' wallet and , with magnanimous flourish unzips it. A moth flies out. The wallet looks distinctly lacking in lucre. *

PN ( with mouth now reduced to a little black " o " figure , like in a character in a Davey Jones of The Viz cartoon strip ) : Er.......sorry , lads, I Don't actually have all that much money.

TZMPT : Booooooo !

* Monty Pythons " Brian's Life " is not made.*

ED SHEERHAN: Bit of a shame, that.

SPIDERMAN : That it is, Eddy, that it is.

[Huxleys Babkins]

SHEERAN WORKING IN A TRAVELODGE: Really? What's your favourite Beatles album?

ALAN: I would have to say... The Best of the ABBA.

[BlodwynPig]

Ed Sheeran walks into the Cavern in Liverpool: "Pint of mild, barman...who's playing tonight?"

Barman: "The Bootleg Ruttles"

[Gregory Torso]

New York, 1980. Ed Sheeran arrives through a time portal in disguise. Moving quickly, he approaches John Lennon and shoots him.

NEW YORK 1980s PEOPLE: "Jezus Chrast, dat limey Ed Sheeran just shot some bloke wit glasses. What the fock, new yoik slice."

ED SHEERAN: Yeah I don't know why I did that really. I'm a bit confused. Will ye go lassie, go, wit toodle doo de cliffs of galway"

Ed Sheeran disappears.



Albert Sqaure, Walford, present day.

Adam Woodyatt wakes up on Arthur Fowler's memorial becnh where he sleeps when he is not filming his scenes.

ADAM WOODYATT: "Blimey, look at this shit script, it's hardly Shakespeare, is it?"

PASSING PRESENT DAY EASTENDERS CHARACTER: "What's that mate? Shakin Stevens?"

ADAM WOODYATT: "Shakespeare. It's hardly... you know, Hamlet. The other ones. Mac...witches."

EASTENDERS CHARACTER: "Never 'eard of 'im mate. Scene's in five. It's the one where Sharon explodes again."

Slowly over the course of a gruelling twelve hour day on set shooting mutiple maquette dummies of Sharon detonating in guts and flames, Adam Woodyatt realises he is the only person on earth who remembers Shakespeare... !

ADAM WOODYATT: "Now for a slap-up plagiarised west end run of 'Adam Woodyatt's: A Midsummer Night's Ian'."