The Scary Nun

[BritishHobo]

James Wan's 'The Scary Nun', latest instalment in the Wizarding World of The Conjuring franchise, is out. AND IT'S SHIT.

Credit to the three leads, who gamely do their best with what they've got. I really liked the basic set-up, where you had three people each with one section of knowledge that complemented each other, rather than the hodge-podge of characters usually seen in these films. That aside though, it was all variations on the same two spooks - pan round, see nun, pan more, nun gone/nun jumps out and grabs someone - and paced all over the place.

I kind of love that they push this narrative of the Conjuring movies being based on true stories, sticking to real places the shit fraudster cunt Warrens went to, and keeping the details of the (fake) hauntings correct... and then just totally make shit up for these spin-offs.

[bgmnts]

There is no film called the scary nun. That's too stupid.

[biggytitbo]

I saw a film with a sexy nun in once.

[BritishHobo]

There is no film called the scary nun. That's too stupid.

I don't know, I thought it captured very well the major themes of the film.

[Thomas]

I kind of love that they push this narrative of the Conjuring movies being based on true stories

I like that in the marketing they've actually been using the clunky executive phrase 'The Conjuring Universe', which, if their 'true stories' claims are to be believed, is presumably just 'the universe'.

[non capisco]

Drum me off your cool person's forum for bulletproof alpha males if you must, Cook'd and Bomb'd, but that last Conjuring film to do with the Enfield poltergeist made me so scared I had to turn the lights in the living room on. I wish I was making this up. It was the bit where the ghost pops up behind the sofa in broad daylight and barks "GET AHHT OF MY 'OUSE!" if you must know. I know that film is a pile of old twaddle but I fucking hate jump scares. A whole film of those fake car adverts where a zombie pops up at the end. No thank you. Not for me. That's all this is going to be as well, isn't it? A scary nun jumping out all the time going "BWARRRRRGHHH! NUUUUUUUN!". I prefer intelligent sophisticated horror films with something to say about the human condition like The Babadook and Babe 2: Pig In The City.

[Thomas]

One of my aunts lives in Enfield, and she and her family had to clear out for a few nights while they set-dressed and filmed on the street. It wasn't haunted when they left, but by the time they moved back in there was ghosts everywhere.

[BritishHobo]

The stupid thing about the idea 'ooh let's do a film all about the scary nun' is that The Conjuring 2 is already all about the scary nun. They actually alter the already bollocks story of what happened at Enfield, to claim that the haunting is entirely the work of the scary nun, who's only fucking done it because she hates Lorraine Warren and wants to tempt her back into the fray to kill her, because FUCKING EVERYTHING has to be about THE FUCKING WARRENS

FUCK OFF THE WARRENS

[Default to the negative]

The stupid thing about the idea 'ooh let's do a film all about the scary nun' is that The Conjuring 2 is already all about the scary nun.

Yeah, I haven't seen Conjuring 2 but I  do remember seeing a clip of the scene with someone looking at a spooky painting of the nun in a darkened room... and then ARGH NO the actual nun jumps out at them. Made it seem like she was the main villain of the film.

[non capisco]

Bloody nun. Bore off, nun, I say.

[Hecate]

When my dad was in court, the judge said "occupation?"
and he said "Film reviewer"
and the judge asked "How many stars would give this Scary Nun, then?"
and he said "I've not seen it, your honour"
My dad's lawyer objected, saying that the judge himself was wasting court time and the judge just went "Fuck you then, ten years" put his feet up on the bench, put on some big headphones and lit a cigar.

I want to go and see this but I think it'll bring back bad memories of the trial. He's very frail, I honestly don't think I'll ever see him again. Visiting him in prison sounds like a really shit day out to me.

[BlodwynPig]

Scariest nun movie was that one where she killed herself. Cant remember name

[Default to the negative]

Scariest nun was in Freeway II: Confessions of a Trick Baby.

[BritishHobo]

Oh yeah, Tyres from Spaced is in this, for a bit, at the start

[Shit Good Nose]

Everyone's clearly forgetting the hospital nun with shears in Exorcist 3.

Also, anyone who still thinks there's any credence to the Enfield haunting and anything else the Warrens were involved with needs their head looking at.

[non capisco]

[quote author=Shit Good Nose link=topic=69007.msg3602358#msg3602358 date=1536442970
Also, anyone who still thinks there's any credence to the Enfield haunting and anything else the Warrens were involved with needs their head looking at.
[/quote]

Just to be clear I don't think there was a real Enfield poltergeist, it was just some hauntological 70s lasses jumping up and down on a bed and then one of them did an impression of the dog off 'That's Life' that said "sausages". The Hollywood film based on their antics however did me jump and I had to turn the lights on. As I say I'm not immensely proud of the fact but please don't lump me in with all those wet ends that think ghosts are real. I'm not cowering in my bed every night thinking a nun is going to come and get me. There is admittedly a shrouded figure playing with a musical box in a corner of the loft but I can't be arsed to go up to it and exacerbate that situation, if it wants to escalate it by itself I can't stop it but I like to think we've reached a kind of detente.

[St_Eddie]

Everyone's clearly forgetting the hospital nun with shears in Exorcist 3.

That wasn't really a nun though, was it?  It's a possessed psychiatric patient, draped in sheets.  I suppose that the arrangement of the sheets do look quite nunish though, which may have been the intention of William Peter Blatty.  Has he ever gone on record to say that this was his intent?

[Default to the negative]

Here is the scene:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH8ynu0jRvY

Clearly not a proper nun. Disqualified.

[thecuriousorange]

I saw the trailer for this stupid nun thing in the cinema. The jump scare "got" me.

[St_Eddie]

I saw the trailer for this stupid nun thing in the cinema. The jump scare "got" me.

It takes great skill and craft of sudden visual movement and a loud noise to get a reaction.  These filmmakers are extremely talented.  Oddly, it seems that the horror genre is overflowing with extremely talented filmmakers these days.  What a spoil of riches, on my!

[Maurice Yeatman]

Does this film really include a priest producing an object filled with red liquid and proclaiming "The blood of Christ!", at which point another character asks, "Jesus Christ?"?

If so, I'm in.

[St_Eddie]

Does this film really include a priest producing an object filled with red liquid and proclaiming "The blood of Christ!", at which point another character asks, "Jesus Christ?"?

If so, I'm in.

If this is true, then that blood must have been stored in a 2000 year old cyro-freezer, if it's still liquid and hasn't congealed into a brown mass of nothing by now.

[Dex Sawash]

[tag] Sister Axe 2 [/tag]

[Default to the negative]

If this is true, then that blood must have been stored in a 2000 year old cyro-freezer, if it's still liquid and hasn't congealed into a brown mass of nothing by now.

Steve Merchant looks away and 'ahems' in mild embarrassment.

[St_Eddie]

Clearly I'm missing a joke.  Wouldn't be the first time, now would it?  Hey, readers?

[Default to the negative]

The joke - such as it was - pointed out that your comment it was the kind of literalist thing Gervais might say.

Fuck you for making me explain a joke. You probably understood it already, anyway.

[St_Eddie]

The joke - such as it was - pointed out that your comment it was the kind of literalist thing Gervais might say.

Fuck you for making me explain a joke. You probably understood it already, anyway.

I really didn't understand your joke and if I had, I certainly wouldn't claim that I didn't.  I don't think that Stephen Merchant is known for taking mild embarrassment at Gervais' militant atheism, so it wasn't exactly clear what you meant.  Thanks for the explanation though, I guess.

[Chriddof]

Having done my time in Roman Catholic schools as a child, I have to link the following at this point:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Januarius#Blood

[Shit Good Nose]

[quote author=Shit Good Nose link=topic=69007.msg3602358#msg3602358 date=1536442970
Also, anyone who still thinks there's any credence to the Enfield haunting and anything else the Warrens were involved with needs their head looking at.


Just to be clear I don't think there was a real Enfield poltergeist, it was just some hauntological 70s lasses jumping up and down on a bed and then one of them did an impression of the dog off 'That's Life' that said "sausages". The Hollywood film based on their antics however did me jump and I had to turn the lights on. As I say I'm not immensely proud of the fact but please don't lump me in with all those wet ends that think ghosts are real. I'm not cowering in my bed every night thinking a nun is going to come and get me. There is admittedly a shrouded figure playing with a musical box in a corner of the loft but I can't be arsed to go up to it and exacerbate that situation, if it wants to escalate it by itself I can't stop it but I like to think we've reached a kind of detente.

My comment wasn't aimed at you, or even the film (which I've not seen), it's just that there are still a few peeps within these blue walls that think Enfield was real and there are still millions of people who think the Warrens were legit.

Too many fucking idiots around.

"Sausages"

Oh fuck, I'm possessed.

[biggytitbo]

What's that joke about the two scary nuns in a bath?