How to get the guy downstairs to read his mail

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Fuck him and eat him.

[pancreas]

Fuck him and eat him.

Laudable an aspiration though this be, I don't see how it entails him reading his mail.

[Goldentony]

start calling it post first off

[Dex Sawash]

Has no one suggested pissing through his letter box?

[Maurice Yeatman]

Boring irrelevant reminiscence ahoy. It's a while since I've lived in a rented flat*, but I still have a recurring dream that involves me illegally letting myself into the various buildings I used to live in to collect mail that's been waiting for me for years.
It always seemed like I was the only one who bothered to sort out the post. It was either left on the floor or at best piled up on the communal hall table william-nilliam. I was the sadsack who took the trouble to separate it into neat piles. (This came back to me again when I re-read Keith Waterhouse's brilliant and underrated Maggie Muggins, where the eponymous heroine has a 'milk-round' of former residences that she regularly visits to pick up all her historical mail.)

Come to think of it, even though I was on the third floor, it was always me that went downstairs to deactivate the faulty fire alarm when it went off, even though there were obviously people skulking in the flats below me.

But this was all a long time ago and water under the bridge and this is no time to dwell on all those occasions when I could clearly hear people in adjoining flats being happy and having sex. ABSOLUTELY DISGRACEFUL.

*  I live in a rented house now, ooh, get me. Still broke, no assets, but at least I've got a little garden with a bird table. [moving orchestral melody swells]

[Paul Calf]

Print up a load of stickers saying:

Put these on the letters and you might find them being collected sharpish.

+karma.

"Webuyanydildo.com" was a particular highlight.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Surely if you're concerned about this the answer is to say to them

Mate, you know these are for you, yea?

Job done.

[Captain Z]

I'm not concerned at all, if I'm the one who has to answer the front door to bailiffs I will simply give a jab of the thumb, 'he's in there', and be on my merry way. I just become easily fascinated by behaviours that I cannot associate with.

Considering just whacking it all in one A4 envelope with his name on.

When did we stop calling it post?

start calling it post first off

Fuck it mail.

[Lordofthefiles]

Put all of the letters in a big exciting box and post them to him (with his name on!).
That'll get them over his threshold.

If they turn up back on the table after that... kill him and bury him in a field up by the reservoir.

[Icehaven]

Get a friend to dress as one of those Postcode Lottery twats and call on him with a big pretend cheque and take some photos. When he looks confused and says he doesn't play it just say when one flat in a converted house wins then they all win (almost sounds plausible) and that he's already been sent the real cheque but his name wasn't on the envelope as obviously it wasn't him that actually played. Should keep him opening all his mail for at least a few weeks.

[drummersaredeaf]

Give me his name and address and I will send him a series of increasingly alluring naked snaps of myself. Eventually I will start modifying his name on the envelope so that he believes that anything bearing his address will contain nudey pics. Failing that, you can forward the unread post to me, and I will send it back to him with nudey inserts.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I'm not concerned at all, if I'm the one who has to answer the front door to bailiffs I will simply give a jab of the thumb, 'he's in there', and be on my merry way. I just become easily fascinated by behaviours that I cannot associate with.

Considering just whacking it all in one A4 envelope with his name on.

Fuck it mail.

If it were bailiffs they'd know his name. 'to the occupier' letters are usually from wankers that don't know who you are, and therefore you have no contract with.

Also being subservient to bailiffs is despicable behaviour regardless.

[Bazooka]

Piss through his letter box.

[idunnosomename]

go through a variety of fraudulent applications to the government to have his name legally changed by deed poll to "the occupant"

then put yourself in a parcel addressed to him burst out naked and sodomise him

[Alberon]

Piss through his letter box.

Presumably he doesn't have one hence his post being left on the table.

You could piss through the main communal door, but I'm not sure it'd have the same affect.

[Sebastian Cobb]

He's just assume the piss isn't for him.

[Captain Z]

Presumably he doesn't have one hence his post being left on the table.

You could piss through the main communal door, but I'm not sure it'd have the same affect.

Yes, and would I piss from the outside in or the inside out?

[Replies From View]

I'd probably just apply a label to each package that says "CONTAINS HIGH DENSITY PORN".

[Man With No Sheds]

Open and read them, and then throw them away. He does not want them. If something bad is brewing, enjoy the drama and start a thread.

[Replies From View]

Laudable an aspiration though this be, I don't see how it entails him reading his mail.

There exist ways of forcing people to read their own mail while you fuck and eat them.

[Replies From View]

Considering just whacking it all in one A4 envelope with his name on.

Do this, but then post it without a stamp so that a few days later he has to go down to the post office and pay to receive it.