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Strictly Come Dancing

Started by Lisa Jesusandmarychain, September 23, 2018, 09:38:37 AM

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Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Any fans of this show on 'Ere? What's the name of that judge who always goes wildly over the top when giving his verdict, he's always enthusiastic and full of praise, even if the dancers were completely fucking shit ? More often than not, he stands up and gesticulates , arms waving all over the place, and that. Then there's other one with the quiff who, y'know, does his job and gives honest, constructive criticism, usually gives a good , considered, professional verdict, and is honest enough to tell the dancers if they've been completely fucking shit  but is polite enough to address the competitors as " darling ", but he always gets booed like a fucking pantomime villain. Then there's the two birds, who are a bit bland. The competitors usually end up shagging their dance partners, don't they ( behind the scenes, not as part of the show ) ?

So, anyway, do any of you lot like this show ?

Clownbaby

I do. I'm glad they don't have anyone this year who is obviously completely terrible nsd will never improve. I was waiting for the "old, fat and unfit joke contestant like Ann Widdecombe or something but they're all ok.

Cracked me up when Susannah was all like "we'll you show me how to do it" to Craig Revel Horwood and he wasn't having it. Love him. He's my favourite judge on a thing.

olliebean

Too early for me to have got the hang of who they all are yet, apart from the three that I already know from other things and the one that looks like a bobblehead.

jobotic

I won't be watching it unless it's on in the house in the background, as it goes on for months and is painfully self-congratulatory, but I will say

Go On Dr Ranj!

machotrouts

#4
MACHOTROUTS GUIDE TO STRICTLY 2018 CELEBS

Stacey Dooley. That lass who makes documentaries like "Stacey Dooley Shouts At Japanese Paedos" for BBC Three. As it happens, this forum is the only place I've ever heard of her, as a recurring answer in "STUPID FUCKING DICKHEADS YOU HATE" sort of threads.

Dr Ranj Singh. The eternally patient feller off This Morning who has to sit next to people who go "we drink our own piss to become immortal you should try it" and say "no you shouldn't that won't work", for balance. Everyone's predicted first boot until he danced and was good. Few weeks back, I saw a bloke at jury service reading a Sun article headlined something like "STRICTLY DOC: BE NICE TO PAEDOS", because he once tweeted that they should receive "help and support", the rotten doctory bastard, Dooley won't like that, not one bit.

Susannah Constantine. Of "Trinny and" fame. This is the second consecutive year Strictly has seen fit to book a former first boot from "I'm a Celebrity" after Gropey Brian Conley, which is exciting news for Mike Read, Uri Geller, Vic Reeves' wife, and Kilroy. Got a 12 for her first dance, which was Ann Widdecombe's lowest ever score. Seems nice enough until you discover she's into fox hunting, which actually makes her the exact opposite of Widdecombe.

Danny John-Jules. Red Dwarf Cat Man. The new Debbie McGee. Old but dances good, like Debbie McGee. Will finish in 2nd or 3rd or 4th, like Debbie McGee.

Seann Walsh. He's a comedian, I'm on a comedy forum, I have never heard of him. Nonetheless, I did think it was quite rude of Shirley Ballas to call him a filthy hairy fucking cunt live on telly.

Kate Silverton. A newsreader who, because it is contractually mandatory, started her first dance from behind a fake news desk (a news desk that is fake not a desk for fake news). No she DIDN'T already win series 1 that was Natasha KaPLINsky.

Graeme Swann. The token cricketer. I haven't heard of any cricketers, except Brian Lara because he had a PS1 game named after him (Brian Lara Cricket). I thought he was dead now but I was thinking of Jonah Lomu (Jonah Lomu Rugby) or Colin McRae (Colin McRae Rally) or Dave Mirra (Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX). Graeme Swann doesn't have any games named after him, but he did do some flossing, which apparently is from a videogame. He'll be the shit one who gets to Blackpool.

Katie Piper. That nice lady who had acid thrown in her face. Dances exactly as well as you would expect a nice lady famous for having acid thrown in her face to dance. One of the few celebrities whose claim to fame wasn't incorporated into their dance, which is fair enough because she seemed nervous enough as it is.

Lauren Steadman. Paralympian missing a bit of arm who nobody's heard of. Little boy AJ has been trusted with her, and managed to IMMEDIATELY forget about the missing bit of arm and nearly drop her in a misjudged dip in the launch show. They made him clutch her stump for the first dance so he wouldn't forget.

Charles Venn. Some bloke from Casualty, NOT, as racists like me keep thinking, Alan Johnson from Peep Show. Apparently also goes by the name Chucky. Stay the fuck out of my lane Johnson.

Vick Hope. Apparently a Capital radio DJ? I didn't even know Capital had DJs, I thought it was all just algorithms. Clearly wasn't booked for her fame – she didn't have a Wikipedia page until she was announced for this – so I assumed she'd be a great dancer. She did a crap jive and will be lucky to escape the first dance-off regardless of how she does in week 2. Vick will just have to have Hope, like is in her surname.

Joe Sugg. It's happened. The YouTube seal has been broken. Strictly has YouTubers now. His jive looked a bit Riverdance to me but the judges liked it. Charlie Bit Me Kid to dazzle in 2019.

Faye Tozer. I have never heard of this person. She can't possibly exist. Steps have always had four members: H from Steps, Claire from Steps, Intenso Project feat. Lisa Scott-Lee, and some bloke. If there was a third woman, I'd have known about it. I am absolutely convinced she has Mandela Effected from a parallel Steps canon.

Lee Ryan. Bit weird for them to invite someone who was making a cunt of himself on Celebrity Big Brother not even 5 years ago, but if that means they're any closer to booking Kim Woodburn, I'm all for it.

Ashley Roberts. Isn't she literally a professional dancer? She's not a singer who happened to dance well. She was hired for the Pussycat Dolls specifically as a dancer, when they were exclusively a dance troupe. When they became a pop group, she usually didn't even get to do backing vocals. Nicole Scherzinger had the door to the recording studio bolted shut (you can sometimes hear Melody shouting at the door to be let in, but that's it). Ashley attempted a solo pop career, but it got so little attention that her last single ended up getting recycled as a Meghan Trainor album track like it was just some unused demo. I like her but she is a dancer. She's famous for dancing. Mind you so's Bez, and I wouldn't be complaining it was unfair if they booked him. Bez to win 2019, done with this series now.

Hope that helps.

Dex Sawash

^ will print out and place near tv for reference

bgmnts

Danny John Jules was a professional dance, as was Debbie McGee.

Bollocks.

thraxx


mothman

Will petition Barry to rename this thread Strictly Come Dancing, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Machotrouts.

gilbertharding

I didn't watch this, but noticed an attempt to generate a twitterstorm around Anthony Beak's supposed treatment of Susannah (a woman I'm afraid I used to know as 'Tranny' - as in 'Trinny and Tranny'. It was a different time...).

Apparently when he gets paired with a hopeless case, and uses comic relief to generate goodwill, it's misogynistic. Which doesn't explain how cack-handed cloggers like 'Rev' Richard Coles or John Sargeant regularly get into the later rounds.

Pseudopath

Quote from: machotrouts on September 24, 2018, 02:35:54 AM
Faye Tozer. I have never heard of this person. She can't possibly exist. Steps have always had four members: H from Steps, Claire from Steps, Intenso Project feat. Lisa Scott-Lee, and some bloke. If there was a third woman, I'd have known about it. I am absolutely convinced she has Mandela Effected from a parallel Steps canon.

LOLWUT? How can you not remember Steps' very own white rasta (and winner of Strictly Come Dancing 2018)?



If you need an easy way to remember how many members there are in Steps, just visualise any of their album covers.


Dex Sawash

Quote from: mothman on September 24, 2018, 09:02:54 AM
Will petition Barry to rename this thread Strictly Come Dancing, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Machotrouts.

Should read the robot wars stuff, I almost wanted to watch it.

mothman


doppelkorn

Or Machotroutses's gripe about the season finale of Not Going Out. Post of the year of whatever year that was.


machotrouts

The rest of that series of Robot Wars is still on my Sky box waiting to be watched. It stopped seeming urgent once I realised nobody but me was watching or talking about it and it probably is rude to use Cook'd and Bomb'd as your personal Robot Wars blog.

Strictly was on tonight. They've done some dancing, except for Susannah, and Katie, and Seann, and Graeme. Commiserations to that Clownbaby post that said there were no shit joke dancers this year. Well, Katie isn't a joke, to be fair, her redeeming trait is she just makes you feel a bit upset watching her. This also will command votes. Susannah and Seann and Graeme will split the Shit But Funny Vote, Susannah and Katie will split the Shit But Also Makes You Sad Vote, it's an open field. It'll be one of them in the dance-off with an alright one, Vick, or Lauren, or Stacey the Paedophile Hunter, or Lee Ryan from 9/11. "Well that narrows it down!" You know what, fuck off.

I do well fancy Dr Ranj. Tiny power bottom legend. Do NOT print out this post

Ballad of Ballard Berkley

Quote from: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on September 23, 2018, 09:38:37 AM
Then there's other one with the quiff who, y'know, does his job and gives honest, constructive criticism, usually gives a good , considered, professional verdict, and is honest enough to tell the dancers if they've been completely fucking shit  but is polite enough to address the competitors as " darling ", but he always gets booed like a fucking pantomime villain.

I know it's just "a bit of fun", but it really boils my piss when the audience boos Craig's constructive, measured criticism.

He must be the only TV talent show judge who actually takes his job quite seriously. Most of his entirely reasonable critiques run along the lines of: "That wasn't great as such, which is perfectly understandable as you're not a professional dancer. You botched some of those moves, but all things considered, within the context of this daft programme, you have some potential."

Gah.

machotrouts

Quote from: machotrouts on September 30, 2018, 01:07:31 AMyour personal Robot Wars blog.

This was a very strange place for me to use a generic "your" when I demonstrably just mean "my"

But who needs good sentence construction in a thread about a show called "Strictly Come Dancing". That fucking doesn't mean anything does it

mothman

It's a bizarre name. Hey, kids! Factoid time! Did you know that more time has passed since Strictly Come Dancing started than had between its start and the release of now little-known 1992 Australian film Strictly Ballroom? Hashtag mind blown! Etc.

Anyway the good news is that the oh-so-lovely viewing audience of Brexit Britain haven't started off - this time - by determinedly voting for anybody but the non-white dancers. Yet.

lipsink

Whatever happened to the talk of same sex dancing? I remember reading somewhere that it would be likely to happen this year, no?

kalowski

Quote from: bgmnts on September 24, 2018, 08:32:12 AM
Danny John Jules was a professional dance, as was Debbie McGee.

Bollocks.
This is true. I fondly remember my time dancing the Danny John-Jules at the Southport Ballroom. My Debbie McGee was never as good, but I enjoyed it, especially the signature move: the magician's wig.

machotrouts

Susannah Constantine and Lee Ryan compete in perhaps Strictly's most redundant dance-off yet. "Lee would have to punch Darcey Bussell in the face to lose this", my mum said. My mum is very ambivalent about Darcey Bussell and often complains that she "can't even dance". I don't usually press her on this.

A lot of people are surprised about Lee Ryan in the bottom two, not least Lee Ryan himself, but he was always a plausible candidate for the Jamelia Trajectory – Strictly audiences hate love rats almost as much as they hate black women. He couldn't even get votes from Celebrity Big Brother viewers as the driving plotline of his series – when the vote to win was opened for the final 7, he placed 7th, which was 6 places lower than Jim Davidson.

I'm more surprised about Susannah – Anton Du Beke can usually wring a good 5 or 6 weeks out of the Token Hapless Cow Who Gets Anton Du Beke. He managed to drag Jerry Hall to week 3, and she has a fanbase of 1 megalomaniac and 0 actual humans. He got Fiona Fullerton – the lass whose claim to fame is appearing for 30 seconds in the least popular James Bond film to say "TCHAIKOVSKY" in a bath – to week 8. Susannah: too shit even for Anton Du Beke. First out in I'm a Celebrity, first out in this. What's left for her? Dancing on Ice and fall over? The Jump and break her neck? MasterChef and shit in a wok? Celebs on the Farm and get disqualified for taking it too seriously and personally mauling a fox?

Susannah leaves with an average score of 12 – a 12 for her first dance, and a 12 for her second dance, which if you add them together and divide by 2, makes 12 – and the dishonour of being statistically Strictly's second worst ever dancer. If you're wondering, that's above Quentin Willson, who got just 8 for his one dance in 2004, which I'm not linking to, because the only videos on YouTube have the audio out of sync. "How can you tell" haha good one, I can tell because at the start Bruce Forsyth delivers a quip a half-second ahead of his lip movements, and I don't think he was doing that to cover for off-beat dancing, I know he was nice to contestants but that is outside his remit. It is possible, I acknowledge, that audio was just out of sync with all of reality for the period it was originally broadcast, and that Quentin Willson was unfairly misjudged on this basis, but he hasn't put forward any complaint to that effect.

Quote from: lipsink on September 30, 2018, 10:03:07 AM
Whatever happened to the talk of same sex dancing? I remember reading somewhere that it would be likely to happen this year, no?

There was a bunch of it in the pro routine at the start of tonight's result show, I think? Don't think the celebrities are getting involved yet. They're probably saving it for Rylan 2019, which is what I call 2019.

BlodwynPig

Your review there makes me melancholic. Trinny and Susanna seems like a memory from sad times.

mothman

Lee was in the top half of the table from judge votes, so to end up in the bottom two, that's serious lack of public votes.

machotrouts

Jamelia was apparently 10th out of 15 in her first two weeks, and I think that's the highest up the leaderboard someone's been to end up in the first dance-off of the series; Lee was 7th, so I suppose he's right to be a bit startled. He was always going to get somewhere between 0 and 0 votes, but you can still get through on that unless you have a pretty broadly contrarian voting public. Presumably a strong showing from the They're Shit But You Gotta Love 'Em! pile at the bottom of the board, and I think so many people had Vick Hope down as the "shock" middling dance-off-end-up-inner that all 10 people who gave a shit made sure to save her.

Simon Webbe also struggled in the vote in 2014. Ended up in the final but was in dance-offs as early as week 3. Why are we bothering with a second member of Blue when we've not even had ONE Sugababe? I want Keisha Buchanan for 2019, the public will put her in EVERY bottom two and I will be FURIOUS about it and calling you ALL racist.

I'm sorry, I had to resort to the Sugababes there because I wasn't able to come up with a boyband member I like. Actually, who was the one who said nobody should give a shit about 9/11 because whales were dying? I like him, had a point frankly. Oh that was Lee Ryan, okay fair enough, Lee Ryan to win.

gilbertharding

Yeah - I wondered what yer man in the Dance Off must have done to rank that poorly in the public's imagination.

Poor Susannah though, being paired with El Beak. Kiss of death. He'd make Ginger Rogers look like the back end of a pantomime horse. No wonder she 'flew into a backstage tantrum'.

machotrouts

Woke up yesterday evening to watch Strictly, went back to sleep when it finished, and now I'm awake again, and it all feels like some strange dream!!!!!!

Faye and Giovanni topped the leaderboard with a quickstep to You're the One That I Want, a tribute to Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta before they got cancer and mental, respectively. Ashley and Pasha placed 2nd with a salsa to that Dirty Dancing song with that Dirty Dancing move where she gets hoisted aloft and perched like one of those finger-balancing toys you used to get in boxes of Shreddies in 2001.





I'm sorry I couldn't find a picture of Body Slam Crash Bandicoot balanced on someone's finger but please take my word for it that he could.

Stacey and Kevin placed 3rd with a jive to 'Happy' from Despicable Me 2, dressed as Minions, in full yellow body paint, and I am already out of patience with them for the series. "BANANA", she exclaimed in her fun comedy VT. "BANANA." How about a banana skin that's just full to fuck with shit? Ever thought of that? Fucking eating just shit?

Last week's tragic comedy turns somehow round off this week's top 5: Seann and Katya doubled last week's score with a Matrix-themed paso doble, and Graeme and Oti more-than-doubled last week's score with a Spider-Man-themed-charles-ton-, which means we can't rule out the possibility that Susannah Constantine would have been Alesha Dixon reincarnate if we'd given her a third week (haven't seen Alesha Dixon on anything in a while so I've just assumed she's dead).

Love Rat Lee Ryan, as is his wont, has cheated on the middle of the leaderboard with the bottom of the leaderboard – well and truly hoist by his own petard. If he can end up in the dance-off in week one while placing as high as 7th with the judges, then he can end up in the dance-off in week two while placing as high as 7th with the public, and I am not sure that he has ever placed 7th in a public vote that has had more than 7 options. Second-from-bottom Lauren is in danger, which is fine, and joint-second-from-bottom Dr Ranj is also in danger, which isn't.

Everyone at the bottom of the leaderboard seems like someone who'd fall from the middle of the leaderboard to be in a shock dance-off, only they've not even bothered to be in the middle of the leaderboard, they're at the bottom of the leaderboard, so you'd imagine the public vote won't change the middle or the bottom of the leaderboard much, but the voters definitely aren't going to like the current middle of the leaderboard – it has THREE black people in it. All still to play for.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

machotrouts' posts in this thread are nothing short of brilliant. On this, we can all agree.

mothman

Indeed. Just looked up the result - I started doing this so I could wow my wife every week with my amazing powers of prediction; now I just do it because it really irritates her that I do actually know - and, well, ha ha. Hmm. Not gonna spoil anybody, but... hmm.

olliebean

Glad he's gone; too much of a Marc Wootton-ish face. (And his arms were all over the place in the dance.)