The rejected quips of Dennis Skinner

[Spoon of Ploff]

Dennis Skinner's amusing outbursts during the state opening of parliament have been carefully crafted by a team of professional gag merchants sealed in his basement. Here finally are some of their more creative, but ultimately binned suggestions:

1987: "Tell her to sell up!"

Rejected:
"F*** O** Black Rod you f***ing f***!!"
"You can shove that stick right up her majesty's ***!!"


1991: "I bet he drinks Carling Black Label!"

Rejected:
"Eat sh** and die, you tight wearing f***ing c***!!"
"Nonce Alert! Nonce Alert!"
"State opening of parliament? State of this more like!"


2000: "Tell her to read the Guardian!"

Rejected:
"I will kill you and all your children and all your children's children!"
"If you weren't bullied at school mate you should have been."
"Is that murdering blood sucking lizard still alive then? F*** me!"


2008: "Any Tory moles at the palace?"

Rejected:
"Annus Horribilis this!" sticks up two fingers
"What the f*** is wrong with you people?"

[Spoon of Ploff]

1989: "That's a good outfit!"
Rejected:
"Here's a real black rod", expose genitals (don't forget to paint genitals beforehand)


1993: "Back to basics with black rod"
Rejected:
"We didn't start the fire, Windsor Castles been burning since prick Philip's been gurning!"
Open one of those magic cans of beans that's full of those snake things.
"Up against the wall, You'll be.... up against the wall"


1996: "New Labour, new Black Rod"
Rejected:
Do the robot dance, punctuate each move with an explosive hop infused fart.
"You were almost a Jill sandwich!"


2003: "Did she lock the door behind her?"
Rejected:
Throw faeces (preferable own, and 'fresh')
"You wear it well, George Francis Seymour's got nothing on you"


2014 "Coalition's last stand"
Rejected:
Belch the first bars to the nation anthem

[Ferris]

"New Labour, new anus!"