Brain fucked

[Shit Good Nose]

...or, at least, some of my thought processes.

Over the last few weeks when putting digital pen to digital paper, I've found myself struggling to satisfactorily express my thoughts.  At worst, those thoughts disappear not long after I think I've formed them.  It's happened in several work emails I've started writing and in several posts on CaB - I have a clearly defined thought, idea or point I want to make, and then when I come to make it I find my brain has gone totally blank.

At this stage it would be an exaggeration to say I'm worried, but on the other hand I've never really struggled to articulate myself before and, acknowledging that 40 is just around the corner and my mum having dementia (albeit relatively mild and one that we've been told isn't necessarily hereditary), I'd be lying if I said it wasn't playing on my mind.

So what do we reckon is going on?  Dead soon?

[bgmnts]

Oh i've been like that since I was 12.


I think its related to infected fungus in the soil.

[Alberon]

It could be stress, depression or your diet is missing something.

Don't need to leap straight to brain rot just yet.

[Large Noise]

How old was your mother when she started showing symptoms?

There are minuscule odds of you having dementia in your 30's not related to head injuries, alcohol, or HIV/MS/Huntington's.

[Noonling]

Eat a bigger breakfast.

[Lemming]

It's nothing to worry about, probably, it's got to be impossible to get dementia at 40.

Something similar has been happening to me a little bit lately too. I'm alright writing on a forum like this, but if I try to conduct a face to face conversation, I can't get the words I want to come out and I end up mumbling, talking nonsense and having people look at me weird. It goes beyond just standard poor social skills and seems to have only started recently, over summer. I've also been forgetting things, including one particularly bizarre instance the other day where I wanted to link my friend to a song, began typing it in, and forgot what I was typing as it was being typed. Tabbed out to do something else, remembered what I was typing, tabbed back to Google and forgot again just as I was about to start typing, despite humming the song all the while to try and keep it in my mind.

I just attributed it to the rapid weather changes and sleep deprivation.

[ASFTSN]

Possibly sort of relevant or helpful are some of the responses to this thread I started earlier this year.

[pancreas]

Sounds like the verbal equivalent of marching into the middle of a room and then forgetting what you went in for.

Happen to me sometimes, particularly when hung over.

[nugget]

I know what you mean. I recently read a few of my first-year essays I wrote as a student and it's shocking how much more articulate I was at 18-19 (at least in writing) compared to now.

I definitely drink more than is healthy and don't sleep well (the two are related and I'm having a particularly bad spell at the moment) so at least I have a pretty good idea of what is causing my decline.

[Pijlstaart]

I get this, but it is good. You are relaxed. Before I had a big fuck-off thermos flask I'd make coffee in a cheap plastic water bottle, really cheap nasty plastic, and the plastic didn't like boiling water so it leached into the coffee. I look directly into the sun because I know that is where I will be attacked from. My brain is small now, and blotchy, but it is good and all the bad thoughts just ebb away into nothingness.

[mothman]

My brain is screwed. When I first went back to work last year (after being off for three months with stress) I couldn't concentrate at all. I felt... retarded, almost. Then I kicked into high gear, and reinvented myself as a subject matter expert in my assigned field. Now I spend 8 hours a day doing research, reading, making notes (I have an epic Excel spreadsheet) and writing reports and summaries and briefings. I feel like I'm overloading my brain. And for what? I'll never get promoted. They appreciate me but I don't even have a permanent line manager, nobody to push to get me through the performance management gateway I'm long overdue for. I love doing what I do. The rush of being there, seeing what really goes on behind the scenes of the corridors of power, as it were, is addictive. But I'm starting to wonder if burnout is a very real possibility.

[mothman]

I get this, but it is good. You are relaxed. Before I had a big fuck-off thermos flask I'd make coffee in a cheap plastic water bottle, really cheap nasty plastic, and the plastic didn't like boiling water so it leached into the coffee. I look directly into the sun because I know that is where I will be attacked from. My brain is small now, and blotchy, but it is good and all the bad thoughts just ebb away into nothingness.

Supplemental: is it bad that things Pijlstaart says have started making perfect sense to me?

[Pingers]

You have a kid/kids and a job. That's probably it right there. I work full time in a busy and stressful job, have two kids who I try to be involved with as much as I can, and am pushing 50. By this time of day, it's an achievement if I can log into my laptop without trying to enter my work password (failed on that tonight). My brain is pretty much used up by the time I get home, a dry, papery husk like a wasps nest rattling about in my skull, with bits falling out of my nose. I try to do some things to keep my brain working and manage some level of creativity, but given that I have little time and energy to absord culture in anything more than a passing, glancing way, my own brain is kind of barren. I keep telling myself that once my kids can't be much arsed with me and I can afford to go part-time (probably in 2 or 3 years) that it'll get better.

[hedgehog90]

My biggest frustration in life has been an inability to articulate myself.
And recently it's felt like a progressive illness it's gotten so bad, but I think it's probably a symptom of depression.
When it's bad, it can take me an hour to write a paragraph expressing a simple point.
I don't even try to express myself verbally anymore, besides basic human interaction, because it's hopeless.
Like a muscle that's atrophied from lack of use.
Very frustrating, doubtful it'll ever get better at this point.

[the]

It could well be your perception of how you articulate yourself that's at fault. More of a social anxiety?

You always come across well on here and in (spam) chat.

I labour over work e-mails, trying to set out tricky concepts in the most clear and succinct way I can, because it's such a chore to be misunderstood. There's almost a form of paranoia kicking in, constantly trying to anticipate how something will confuse or be taken to mean something else. (And depending on who you're communicating with, over time it can be tempting to not even bother.)

[Noonling]

Did you eat a proper breakfast today? #1 tip.

[Buelligan]

I sometimes have problems with word-selection, I think it's because everyone around me speaks European languages that are not English, so my English gets put on the back-burner a bit. 

I think this kind of brain-rot can happen, not just with languages but where one moves abruptly from one context work/sleep/whatevs to another and you don't swap your context-frame quick enough.  Also if you're a bit busy/stressed, doing day-in day-out repetitive shit or over-tired.  Don't worry, forget about it.

[Clownbaby]

I can't coordinate my hands or brain to draw pictures anymore for some reason. My final year in Uni doing illustration saw my marks drop because I just couldn't get myself to draw anything. Now I'm actually quite scared of drawing and feel panicky in my stomach, and the prospect of drawing is about as appealing as removing one of my eyes. I feel fucking shit about myself because all my friends on the same course steadily improved and are actually finding internships and doing commissions, but I can't commit to anything like that at the moment because something has killed my drawing stone dead.

[hedgehog90]

I can't coordinate my hands or brain to draw pictures anymore for some reason. My final year in Uni doing illustration saw my marks drop because I just couldn't get myself to draw anything. Now I'm actually quite scared of drawing and feel panicky in my stomach, and the prospect of drawing is about as appealing as removing one of my eyes. I feel fucking shit about myself because all my friends on the same course steadily improved and are actually finding internships and doing commissions, but I can't commit to anything like that at the moment because something has killed my drawing stone dead.

Something's been doing the rounds.
I had a blog, Twitter and facebook documenting the progress of a project I was working on which I would update every 2-3 weeks until about June last year.
By January I stopped reading comments, and about 3 months ago I stopped working on anything whatsoever.
I can't bear to look at it, the blog, the project, any of it. There are a pile of emails and comments which remain unread. It is physically impossible for me to contribute to any creative pursuit.
Just waiting for it to die now.

[the]

Don't worry, forget about it.

I think 'forgetting about it' is the worry here...

I can't coordinate my hands or brain to draw pictures anymore for some reason. My final year in Uni doing illustration saw my marks drop because I just couldn't get myself to draw anything. Now I'm actually quite scared of drawing and feel panicky in my stomach, and the prospect of drawing is about as appealing as removing one of my eyes. I feel fucking shit about myself because all my friends on the same course steadily improved and are actually finding internships and doing commissions, but I can't commit to anything like that at the moment because something has killed my drawing stone dead.

Is it possible that your motivation to draw bottomed out because you had to draw (and strictly to the terms of the course)? It seems like the expectation of being able to turn it on is freaking you out.

Hopefully something that excites/interests you will urge you to render it from nowhere. Maybe get Helen Hunt to run a bath in front of you.

Obviously you could just have torn the arse out of drawing - is it such a bad thing if so? And is the creative urge nibbling at you in other ways?

[Noonling]

The Russians must have been putting something in the water.

[the]

Something's been doing the rounds.
I had a blog, Twitter and facebook documenting the progress of a project I was working on which I would update every 2-3 weeks until about June last year.
By January I stopped reading comments, and about 3 months ago I stopped working on anything whatsoever.
I can't bear to look at it, the blog, the project, any of it. There are a pile of emails and comments which remain unread. It is physically impossible for me to contribute to any creative pursuit.
Just waiting for it to die now.

Ah, the terrible gravitational pull of The Unfinished Project. I was going to start a thread about this recently.

Just ignore it, you're sick of looking at it. Do something else. It's frozen in time.

[Absorb the anus burn]

HAARP machine.

















Kidding....... I feel this as well. Tick off from the hit list.

- getting older.
- bad diet
- poor sleep.
- drink / drugs.
- not enough exercise.
- overstimulation by technology.
- stress / depression.
- shit environment we live in.
- poor life to work balance.
- city noise.

Of course, it could be nghhhhh fgdcsdhjdgjhgs fhidjfjd yusdidisjds fyisdoisjosjkosdgfartuef.

[Clownbaby]

I think 'forgetting about it' is the worry here...

Is it possible that your motivation to draw bottomed out because you had to draw (and strictly to the terms of the course)? It seems like the expectation of being able to turn it on is freaking you out.

Hopefully something that excites/interests you will urge you to render it from nowhere. Maybe get Helen Hunt to run a bath in front of you.

Obviously you could just have torn the arse out of drawing - is it such a bad thing if so? And is the creative urge nibbling at you in other ways?

God, I've no idea. My tutors completely misse the point when I told them how I was feeling, saying I need to have more confidence in myself about my work because I have a "very distinctive approach". Annoyingly, my whole time on the course the tutors thought I had no confidence in my work when I ABSOLUTELY DID for the first 2 years. So they thought in my other 2 years it was just a case of me being down on myself so any reassurance would just be "just keep at it and give it your all" or now that uni is over "get a job somewhere creative like an art shop or a museum or something, read loads of successful illustrator's blogs, do commissions and that" which all andbsolutely miss the point because I genuinely have no interest anymore in being creative. It bothers me though. I don't want to not have a purpose but I'm completely stumped about what the next move is. What my tutors can't seem to understand is that, unlike them, I'm not filled with creativity and inspiration when I look at other successful illustrator's being successful, at all. It's just making me feel shit. I've always been inspired by something internal which just fucking isn't there anymore.

Maybe, just maybe, the fact that I got only 2 marks more than the lass who traced everything and constantly begged for extensions on her projects because, from her own admission, she was "up all night watching One Piece" has been a big factor in all this. I know a lot of my 3rd year projects were not up to scratch but to try so hard and pore over an idea all day and night for 4 weeks and still be put in the same league as someone who traces a photo of a grizzly bear and shoehorn it into every project cause she's proud of it is absolutely humiliating.

[the]

Maybe look for something which your grounding in the visual arts would make you a candidate for, but not illustration based, and more functional. Something related to design, layout, graphics?

[Clownbaby]

Maybe look for something which your grounding in the visual arts would make you a candidate for, but not illustration based, and more functional. Something related to design, layout, graphics?

There's a reason why I didn't take graphic design in the first place though. My skill was purely in drawing. As I said, my whole urge to be creative has completely disappeared and I'm starting to wonder if there's not something else I subconsciously am wanting to do that I haven't discovered I have a talenter for yet.  Something is really bugging me.

[the]

There's a reason why I didn't take graphic design in the first place though. My skill was purely in drawing.

OK. I was just suggesting that as when you said "I'm completely stumped about what the next move is", I thought you were getting at the problem of a job. My reasoning being that emotionlessly moving things about on a screen all day would still probably beat working in, say, retail or whatnot.

Yesterday I caught the end of an interesting R4 discussion of what sits behind the word 'creative' these days - https://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/play/b0bktltc

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Tag/ Dyslexic " Family Guy " fan enters thread, and breathes sigh of relief./ Tag