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The “This’ll be shit, I reckon” thread

Started by mothman, September 29, 2018, 12:13:44 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

St_Eddie

Quote from: Avril Lavigne on December 23, 2018, 10:39:58 AM
...anyone genuinely narked about this new movie having a heroine doesn't know what they're talking about.

Quite.  To state the obvious; such a person would also be a considerable arsehole.

Quote from: Avril Lavigne on December 23, 2018, 10:39:58 AM
...MIB International does look like garbage; another run-of-the-mill Sony reboot of a once successful blockbuster IP, with familiar old iconography & tropes tossed into a flavourless stew of flashy CG, generic action & thin jokes.  It's every Sony trailer of the past decade & even has Chris Hemsworth just like Sony's attempt at reviving Ghostbusters.  Literally the one good thing about the trailer was that nice framed painting of J & K battling Bug Edgar.

Yip, yip, yip and yip.

Fuck Sony Pictures.  They exemplify the very worst of Hollywood trends.  Hostess Twinkie motherfuckers.

Quote from: Avril Lavigne on December 23, 2018, 10:39:58 AM
Welcome back St Eddie!

Why, thank you kindly, one of my favourite forumites!

Small Man Big Horse

The AV Club have given Holmes and Watson an F grade, and declared it the worst film of the year. https://film.avclub.com/will-ferrell-and-john-c-reilly-hit-career-lows-in-the-1831309924

QuoteWill Ferrell and John C. Reilly hit career lows in the abysmally unfunny Holmes & Watson

We've been telling jokes about Sherlock Holmes since the beginning. The earliest send-ups of the world's greatest detective appeared not long after Arthur Conan Doyle started publishing his stories about Holmes and his trusty sidekick, Dr. John Watson, in The Strand Magazine, and by the early decades of the 20th century, the comic strips and humor sections of newspapers and magazines on both sides of the Atlantic were swarming with Picklocks, Shamrocks, Herlocks, and Shylocks. In all likelihood, "Elementary, my dear Watson," that most apocryphal of catchphrases, started out in a joke; it never appeared in any of Doyle's stories, nor in the original version of the hit stage play that first gave Holmes his deerstalker hat and calabash pipe. Mark Twain wrote parodies of the Holmes mysteries, as did O. Henry and P.G. Wodehouse. The Sherlock joke is one of our older pop culture institutions, like Holmes himself.

This is especially true when it comes to film, where depictions of Sherlock Holmes are said to outnumber those of Jesus Christ and Count Dracula. In fact, the earliest Holmes films are parodies, predating any official adaptations of the Doyle stories—the best of which have always had a good sense of humor. But if there are any new jokes left to tell about Holmes, they're nowhere to be found in the abysmal Holmes & Watson, which might be the worst feature-length film ever made about the "consulting detective" from Baker Street. The movie is 89 minutes of inertia and pure, undiluted flopsweat, with a couple of uncharacteristically unfunny and painfully awkward lead performances from Will Ferrell (as Holmes) and John C. Reilly (as Watson).

Written and directed by Etan Cohen (not to be mistaken for Ethan Coen, under any circumstances), Holmes & Watson imagines the title characters as a couple of needy, middle-aged manchildren—though the similarities with Ferrell and Reilly's work together on Adam McKay's Step Brothers end there. Struggling with objectively awful English accents, the two actors spend their time on screen dragging out terrible jokes, as though trapped in the improv-exercise equivalent of eternal damnation. Though it's mostly the audience that suffers. Even the movie's attempts at gross-out humor—such as an extended bit in which Holmes keeps barfing into a bucket, or a sequence where he calculates the trajectory of his arcing urine in slow-mo, à la Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes—are timorous and half-assed.

The trivial plot finds the detective duo in yet another battle of wits with "the Napoleon of crime," James Moriarty (Ralph Fiennes, given only a few lines)—though Holmes believes that his arch-nemesis has been replaced by a lookalike compulsive masturbator. Because Holmes & Watson is the hackiest kind of studio comedy, they must also learn to be better friends to each other, get in touch with their feelings, and navigate a couple of romantic subplots: Watson's crush on Grace Hart (Rebecca Hall), a "lady doctor" from Boston; Holmes' confused attraction to her feral assistant, Millie (Lauren Lapkus), who shares his passion for eating raw Vidalia onions.

Somewhere in there is an unusually young and seemingly very horny Mrs. Hudson (Kelly Macdonald); a bad musical number that goes on and on; some groan-worthy Trump jokes; a scene in which Watson tries to take a selfie with Queen Victoria; and the requisite cracks about Holmes' drug use. (These go back to at least the mid-1910s and The Mystery Of The Leaping Fish, starring Douglas Fairbanks as a master sleuth who solves cases in a St. Vitus' dance of nose-candy-induced agitation.) Even when Holmes & Watson stumbles into something that could, in theory, make a decent gag—as in a scene where Watson tries to dictate a drunk, late-night telegram to Dr. Hart, or a visit to the Diogenes Club that finds him shooed off to a side room for idiot sidekicks—it bungles it with bad timing and slapdash composition. "At least it's in focus" is the lowest form of damnably faint praise one can give a movie. But Holmes & Watson doesn't even earn that distinction.

One might call it a failure on almost every level—that is, if the movie ever gave the impression that it was trying to succeed. Instead, it's pervaded by an air of extreme laziness. It's cheap and tacky—a bizarrely dated parody of Ritchie's Holmes (complete with a soundalike score) poisoned with rib-elbowing topical references and puerile gags. It's the Sherlock Holmes movie with the red "Make England Great Again" hat and the lactating Watson. It succeeds in only one respect. As a Christmas Day release that wasn't screened in advance for critics, it managed to avoid our list of the worst films of 2018. It belongs at the top.

St_Eddie


Shocking!  It seemed so classy and witty, based upon the trailer!

Head Gardener

just back from H&W and can confirm it's UTTER, UTTER shit

mothman


Head Gardener

I took the kids, they insisted after seeing the fucking trailer - it's Xmas I thought, it's only a comedy I thought, 40 fucking quid I thought,
they hated it too but not as much as me

Custard

Will Ferrell is taking the absolute piss these days.

And I bet he's very sad as he floats away in his river of money

kidsick5000

#127
It's been around 10 years in the works.
And it still feels like they forgot to do their homework and write a working script.

Phil_A

Quote from: kidsick5000 on January 01, 2019, 01:48:43 PM
It's been around 10 years in the works.
And it still feels like they forgot to do their homework and write a working script.


Seems like it's parodying the Guy Ritchie version, so it would fit that the film originally got greenlit around then.

kidsick5000

Quote from: Phil_A on January 01, 2019, 02:09:12 PM
Seems like it's parodying the Guy Ritchie version, so it would fit that the film originally got greenlit around then.

Well that was the plan. Parody that film, build on the cast of Talladega Nights with Sacha Baron Cohen as Sherlock, Ferrell as Watson

BritishHobo

I'm sure I remember it being announced around the same time as the Guy Ritchie version, because I remember being quite excited (pre-Sherlock) that there'd be two coming out. I'm guessing parodying that version must be something they went for in rewrites, which is pretty weird - are there many other films to have done that, rewrites to cover something that happened after they were written?

kidsick5000

There's a rumour going round that they tried to flog it to Netflix but Netflix turned it down.

Goldentony

you'd have to wouldn't you? from the stars of shitarse disaster and dad's given wee bobby the bas rutten triangle choke comes the two of them in something that looked out of date 14 years ago featuring presumably vincent cassel as genghis khan learning to do the soulja boy dancing

Gulftastic

'Life Itself'. If you can make it thought the trailer without wanting to hurt something, you're better than me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oALVg772eug


St_Eddie

Quote from: Gulftastic on January 02, 2019, 08:01:54 PM
'Life Itself'. If you can make it thought the trailer without wanting to hurt something, you're better than me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oALVg772eug

It looks like one of those films that your girlfriend loves and asks that you watch it with her, so you do and because you love her, you vicariously enjoy the film and associate it with herself and you go on to watch it with her on further occasions because it's lovely to snuggle up with her and have a nice cosy night in watching her favourite film but then your girlfriend dumps you and now you realise that she was beyond fucking awful and her taste in films was even worse.




Parklife (Itself)

Dex Sawash

Was that a glimpse of Oso off Snowfall? I bladdy love Corky Oso off snowfall.

Phil_A

For a moment I thought Mike Patton had started branching out into rom-coms.

mothman

https://youtu.be/2p5pdWyyZoc

I can't actually tell if this will be shit or not, because it has to be the most ineptly put together, unevenly paced trailer I've ever seen. Is it a comedy? A drama? Both?

St_Eddie

#138
Quote from: mothman on February 22, 2019, 11:34:26 PM
https://youtu.be/2p5pdWyyZoc

I can't actually tell if this will be shit or not, because it has to be the most ineptly put together, unevenly paced trailer I've ever seen. Is it a comedy? A drama? Both?

The BBFC has it listed as an 18 certificate action film, so I don't know what to think.

phantom_power

It's from the director of Bone Tomahawk so i doubt laughs will be high on the agenda

Small Man Big Horse

Quote from: phantom_power on February 23, 2019, 10:48:30 AM
It's from the director of Bone Tomahawk so i doubt laughs will be high on the agenda

Then again he recently wrote Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich so he does have a fondness for dark (and slightly disappointing) comedy.

I just found out that the follow up to the much-maligned Suicide Squad will be called The Suicide Squad.

St_Eddie

Quote from: thecuriousorange on March 03, 2019, 11:22:33 PM
I just found out that the follow up to the much-maligned Suicide Squad will be called The Suicide Squad.

Things are getting worse.  They usually wait until at least the fifth sequel to either add or subtract 'The' to/from the title.

mothman

Third installment will be called John Suicide Squad.

Gulftastic

Quote from: mothman on March 05, 2019, 06:16:06 PM
Third installment will be called John Suicide Squad.

Someone with artistic talent needs to make 'Suicide Bod'.

Icehaven

Quote from: Gulftastic on January 02, 2019, 08:01:54 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oALVg772eug

What is a 'major motion picture event'? Does it just mean it's on at the cinema rather than a streaming service?


St_Eddie

Quote from: icehaven on March 06, 2019, 11:45:05 AM
What is a 'major motion picture event'? Does it just mean it's on at the cinema rather than a streaming service?

I'd say that the correct usage of the term would be applicable to a tent-pole release; a movie with a large budget and upon which the studio is banking on being a big hit with mainstream audiences.  However, the term is just as often used in a desperate attempt to try and dupe people into believing that an upcoming turkey is something to get excited about.

Life Itself had a budget of $10 million.  I'll leave it to you to figure out which category it falls into.

Icehaven

Quote from: St_Eddie on March 06, 2019, 03:48:02 PM
I'd say that the correct usage of the term would be applicable to a tent-pole release; a movie with a large budget and upon which the studio is banking on being a big hit with mainstream audiences.  However, the term is just as often used in a desperate attempt to try and dupe people into believing that an upcoming turkey is something to get excited about.

Life Itself had a budget of $10 million.  I'll leave it to you to figure out which category it falls into.

Nonsense, there's clearly plenty to get excited about in this film without the need for deception, it's got loads of boring beards, what either sounds like or actually is Mumford and Sons on the soundtrack, Annette Bening, and exactly no hint of there being any story, it practically sells itself.

Dex Sawash


St_Eddie

Quote from: Dex Sawash on March 27, 2019, 05:44:25 AM
Mature ladies want to be cheerleaders, lol

https://youtu.be/Sv89kRmoSlg

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Cheerleading is not something you'd expect to see old people doing!