The “This’ll be shit, I reckon” thread

[SteveDave]

Sorry, Munsters are NBC/Universal, Addamses are MGM. Munsters would have to take on Frasier, Coffee Friends, Ted, Pitch Perfect, Trolls and Shrek.

What about Brian Benben and the "Dream On" cast?

[mothman]

https://twitter.com/netflixfilm/status/1445797259992567812

I wonder whether this really meets the criteria for this thread. After all, I mean, it'll OBVIOUSLY be shit. Does it matter if it's potentially entertainingly shit?

[Tokyo van Ramming]

https://twitter.com/netflixfilm/status/1445797259992567812

I wonder whether this really meets the criteria for this thread. After all, I mean, it'll OBVIOUSLY be shit. Does it matter if it's potentially entertainingly shit?

Netflix have cut out the middleman there. I understand the tacky Hallmark films they have on the service are actually quite popular.

[SteveDave]

I wonder if they'll fall in love at the end?

[Icehaven]

There will be a bit where she falls off that bike and either he catches her, or he sees her and sees she can be clumsy and goofy as well as being rich, pretty and American, or he saves her from the ditch/river/grain silo she's fallen in.

[SteveDave]

Will he have a history of being fucked over by women that's lead him to not being able to trust her?

[Icehaven]

Will he have a history of being fucked over by women that's lead him to not being able to trust her?

I'm thinking dead wife.

[mothman]

Literally every author you could think of who's on Twitter is rolling in the aisles at the notion of one of them being able to afford to buy a Scottish castle seemingly on a whim.

Obviously She Who Cannot Be Named could, but I've no idea if she has an opinion of this upcoming film as I've not gone anywhere near her Twitter since she went the full TERF...

[dissolute ocelot]

Literally every author you could think of who's on Twitter is rolling in the aisles at the notion of one of them being able to afford to buy a Scottish castle seemingly on a whim.

I don't know, Scottish castles are a lot cheaper than houses in London. If you want one that's not falling down and has central heating, it's a bit more, granted, but no more than a nice townhouse somewhere (which a writer couldn't afford either, I admit).

[SteveDave]

I'm thinking dead wife.

Will there be a daughter he doesn't see anymore?

[Icehaven]

Will there be a daughter he doesn't see anymore?

Yeah why not. And whassername will be instrumental in reuniting them.

[dissolute ocelot]

Ryan Gosling to play Ken the doll opposite Margot Robbie as Barbie in an upcoming movie. Despite the prestigious talent, this sounds terrible no matter the degree of irony involved.

On the other hand I know someone called Kenneth with an oddly plasticky complexion and if this annoys him even slightly it'll be worthwhile.

[mothman]

Operation Mincemeat! https://youtu.be/naactPCbIgQ

Impressive cast? Check!
Telling you the whole story in the trailer? Check!
Little jokes that aren't that funny? Check!

Bonus points for all the (post-Saving Private Ryan) curiously antiseptic battle footage of the invasion of Sicily seeded throughout the trailer, which in the actual film is probably about the last 30 seconds.

[A Hat Like That]

Operation Mincemeat! https://youtu.be/naactPCbIgQ

Impressive cast? Check!
Telling you the whole story in the trailer? Check!
Little jokes that aren't that funny? Check!

Bonus points for all the (post-Saving Private Ryan) curiously antiseptic battle footage of the invasion of Sicily seeded throughout the trailer, which in the actual film is probably about the last 30 seconds.

It's been done?

May put The Man Who Never Was on this evening, actually. The stuff towards the end with Stephen Boyd is great.

[SteveDave]

A Buzz Lightyear origin story. I thought that was "Toy Story" but apparently it's not.

[mothman]

It's an in-universe thing. Is that the right term? It sure looks purdy, but it's hard not to worry that it will just be a by-the-numbers SF movie. It feels like a long time since Pixar last did anything that displayed their trademark mix of design, animation innovation, quirky humour, and narrative inventiveness.

[Old Nehamkin]

I'm confused about the premise of this Buzz Lightyear film. I thought Buzz was meant to be a fictional character from a cartoon show or something, not an actual man who existed in real life within the Toy Story universe. The latter sounds like a really stupid idea that makes no sense. But what do I know.

[mothman]

OK, so imagine that in the Toy Story universe (which I guess is meant to be our own, but let's not complicate matters) there is a TV show called Buzz Lightyear Of Star Command. That show inspired (or more likely was created to promote) a range of toys (which like all toys come to life when nobody's watching, but again, irrelevant). Now, years later, they are doing a big-screen adaptation/revival/reboot/origin story/whatever of the TV show.

The Toy Story films are about a toy Buzz Lightyear. The Lightyear film is about the fictional character the toy recreates.

This is like trying to explain the rules of One Song To The Tune Of Another...

[idunnosomename]

Chris Evans vehicle, a deeply nothing man.

Suit in grimdark world looks stupid

David Bowie soundtrack for extra nostalgia

I KNOW WHAT THAT IS cynicism in the extreme, not  a story that actually needa to be told.

Even if we ignore the quite good Disney channel cartoon Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, it simply followed on from how Toy Story 2 already established that Buzz's nemesis was evil Emperor Zurg. (Hmm actually Emperor Zurg is mentioned in first film, among dialogue that obviously shows him to be a cartoony space hero)

Unless this is somehow a clever satire on grimdark reboots: shit reckon.


YOU
ARE
A
TOYYYYÝ!!!!

[dissolute ocelot]

Ten years ago Pixar did a now-forgotten space epic, John Carter From Mars, which was a massive flop. I guess someone there really wants to make a new Star Wars. Whether the fictional adventures of a fictional toy will do any better than Taylor Kitsch vs human-lizard bestiality (I've read the book, I've not see the film) is questionable. I'm sure the tie-in toys will be awesome though.

[idunnosomename]

Well Andrew Stanton did, for Disney. Not really fair to call it a Pixar film in any sense.

[abobo]

New one from Davis Addison

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0-Af-5ctII

[Famous Mortimer]

Ten years ago Pixar did a now-forgotten space epic, John Carter From Mars, which was a massive flop. I guess someone there really wants to make a new Star Wars. Whether the fictional adventures of a fictional toy will do any better than Taylor Kitsch vs human-lizard bestiality (I've read the book, I've not see the film) is questionable. I'm sure the tie-in toys will be awesome though.

It was a bit silly, but it's far from the worst film I ever watched. They could have picked a better title for it, though (it was just called "John Carter").

[mothman]

Yes, there was some last-minute cluster-focus-groupery that suggested that films did worse if they had "Mars" in the title.

[Povidone]

New one from Davis Addison

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0-Af-5ctII

Ha! I just watched that trailer, had to look up who Patrick Muldoon was, the cowardly ship captain from Starship Troopers who gets his brains sucked out. Can't tell if it's going for gritty or fun, suspect it'll be neither.

[mothman]

New one from Davis Addison

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0-Af-5ctII

Die Hard on a dam?

But with Bruce Willis (RIP his career) as the baddie instead. That's some Chris Chibnall level plotting...

[abobo]

Looking at Bruce Willis forthcoming movies I cant believe how far hes dropped off

Some forthcoming movies include

American Siege
Gasoline Alley
Vendetta
Die Like Lovers
Corrective Measures
A Day to Die

Which all look like direct to video specials, apparently there`s a new king of these type of movies called Randall Emmett who`s ethos is very similar to Cannon.

https://www.vulture.com/article/randall-emmett-movies.html

[idunnosomename]

Yes, there was some last-minute cluster-focus-groupery that suggested that films did worse if they had "Mars" in the title.

i think they'd realised it was a deadweight with multiple problems in production (Rice Burroughs original was too sexy so no idea what audience it was going for, Stanton had no live-action set direction experience) so they just launched it with minimal marketing to make back what they could. now you'd drop it onto streaming so you could keep the revenue secret.

I don't think Lightyear will have similar problems. it's canny enough to get millennial nostalgia, zoomers who know Chris Evans from Captain America, the Bowie thing for the boomers. it looks great, but why not just have an original character. i'd be more excited to see a Pixar film that was more like Interstellar or something rather than riffing off old Toy Story properties.

[mothman]

I haven't seen Coco, Onward or Soul - and I had to look them up to check they were all Pixar and not just Disney. So I don't know whether they fit the mould of the classic/archetypal (non-sequel) Pixar film or not. As for what they have on the slate, apart from Lightyear it's just something called Seeing Red, about a Chinese-American girl who turns into a red panda for some reason.

[Sonny_Jim]

it looks great, but why not just have an original character.

I've always put it down to the internet being a blessing and curse for getting a new franchise off the ground.  On one hand, you have the viral element of stuff like 'Blair Witch' which didn't even need marketing and made a mint.  On the other hand, yer average viewer is bombarded with millions of adverts on a daily basis, so unless you are already established it's near impossible to get recognition.  So the easy way out is to tie your script to some kind of already existing franchise that people already know about, which is how we ended up with fucking Battleship.

New one from Davis Addison

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0-Af-5ctII

I count yer man Willis in 3 different scenes, one of which is him sitting down.  What do you reckon that was, a weeks work?  Why does he even do it?  Surely he's got enough pots to piss in, or was he one of those ones like Bacon who lost it all on a pyramid scheme?

Ha! I just watched that trailer, had to look up who Patrick Muldoon was, the cowardly ship captain from Starship Troopers who gets his brains sucked out.

IIRC he does have some kind of redemption at the end, throwing a gun or distracting the brain bug or something?

Can't tell if it's going for gritty or fun, suspect it'll be neither.

To the tune of this
♫♫♫ It's going to be shite, it's going to be shite, ♫♫♫