*Funny man walks on stage*

[saltysnacks]

Hey, did you ever notice that men go like this, and women go like this?

[Captain Z]

Audience: Ha ha haaa, it's true!

[saltysnacks]

I was talking to the missus about my shed, she pulled a face at me like that. They do that don't they?

[Huxleys Babkins]

I'll take three "I was talking to the missus about my shed, she pulled a face at me like that. They do that don't they?" t-shirts please.

And I won't pay a penny less than £29.99 each for them!

[Alberon]

Remember those things that we used to have but don't have now? What was that all about?

[saltysnacks]

My kids don't half move. One minute they're there, the next minute they're there.

[cptspalding]

The tubes! There's like a law on the tubes...

[saltysnacks]

Cold outside isn't it?

[chveik]

Remember those things that we used to have but don't have now? What was that all about?

I didn't get the memo!

[Glebe]

Why do they do it? Eh, lads?

[Sebastian Cobb]

willy willy, bum bum.

[bgmnts]

"Excuse me have you seen some trapped gas anywhere?"
*loud fart into the mic*

"It's okay, I found it!"

[Cuellar]

Wahoo!
Pachow!
Ooopa Doopa!
Wuzzer Woooozer!
Ghunt!
Faffooo!!

*thunderous applause*
*women offer up their children*
*men weep openly*

[saltysnacks]

Can't get all of the quilt can we?

[a duncandisorderly]

take it back. it's broken. have you got the receipt?

[Chollis]

Ahhhh it's great to be here. So you guys, what's with those hands-free headsets?

[Captain Z]

You see those people, don't you, that wear clothes that aren't typically worn at that time of year?

[pancreas]

You know when you have to get on an aeroplane and something happens that isn't quite to your liking?

'Oh my god! That happened to me this summer!'

[Bronzy]

wank willy penis shag women have kids what is that all about eh lads

[Captain Z]

You know when you have to get on an aeroplane and something happens that isn't quite to your liking?

'Oh my god! That happened to me this summer!'

And then you'll be in the airport won't you, and you'll be all like 'ooh I hope this doesn't happen!'

[Sebastian Cobb]

Why do they call it a building? It should be called a built.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

So, how did tennis balls get invented? Were people just standing around at either side of the net, waving tennis rackets at each other, and decided  to invent tennis balls, instead of just standing there waving tennis rackets about? Is that what happened, eh? Well, is it?

[Huxleys Babkins]

The kids were playing a computer game and said "Dad, see how amazing the trees look" and I said "go outside, there's real trees to look at" and they said "Dad, we live in Salford since you dragged us here when you got that job on the One Show. There's no trees for miles" and I said "fair enough" and then they said "this is set on an alien planet. Have you got an alien planet for us to go to? No, Dad, all we've got is a fucking Londis on the corner, you massive twat."

Bloody kids, eh?! Don't know how good they've got it.

[zomgmouse]

Supermarkets have people in them don't they!

I tell you, my job is bad. There's lots of bad things and the people are cunts. I don't know why I do it! Very bad.

Now here's a list of funny things other people who aren't me have said. That'll get you giggling and thinking I'm the funny one.

Pshaw, the traffic.

I love the television! This unites normal people.

You know when you go to eat and they do it in a bad way? What's up with that?

Hey get a load of these drunken exploits. Everyone loves it when you recount drunken exploits.

My dog's a bitch.

[saltysnacks]

Remember when our mums used to say things that didn't make sense? She were right though, weren't she?

[zomgmouse]

I love cumming, me!