Play-it-safe Paul

[New Jack]

Paul has given in to the holiday spirit and decided his next round will include the pumpkin cider they have on

Might eat some sweets as well.

[Norton Canes]

Two croissants

[New Jack]

Couple of sparklers this Guy Fawkes.

Can't knock a sparkler

[Delete Delete Delete]

Uses 4ply toilot paper, don;t want a slippery finger of fudge he says.

[New Jack]

Can't have a piss AND shit.

Better stagger em. Don't want a mess.

[Fishfinger]

Casual Friday looming. T-shirt obviously, but jeans or cords? Hmm. At the end of the day it's got to be jeans.

[Glebe]

"Happy Halloween, lads!"

"Steady on, Paul - you'll be enjoying yourself next!"

[Replies From View]

It's 7pm and play-it-safe Paul hasn't gone near his big box of funtime sparklers yet.

"Best rewatch my collection of 1970s public information films first," he says, and does so.  Three hours later, he goes straight to bed.

[New Jack]

Paul buys some sweets to give to the kids on Halloween. The Co-op have Celebrations on 2 for 1 offer.

Nah, don't want to pigheadedly assume everyone "celebrates" it. Quality Street it is, covers all bases

[New Jack]

Paul opens the door to a tiny child.

Slams the door immediately. Don't want to be seen to be giving sweets to kids too young after all. Would look off.

[Delete Delete Delete]

Better mark all the boxes on this ballet form, don't want anyone ot feel left out says Paul.

[New Jack]

Paul just supports the very sport of football. No need to take sides. May the best team win!

[PlanktonSideburns]

Just been round pub with Paul,  asked him about this bit coin malarkey - he's talked me out of it, sounds like I've dodged a bullet to be honest - he's a good lad that Paul tho int e? Sort of bloke you could hang your hat on. Still can't square him with that dogging video his ex missus spammed all over Facebook last  year - but I guess u never know what happens behind closed fiat panda doors eh

[PlanktonSideburns]

Paul just supports the very sport of football. No need to take sides. May the best team win!

I am play it safe Paul and I move my 5 pounds from my bumbag into the wallet concealed in my shoe

[New Jack]

Could ask Samantha from work for a drink... we get on so well and she keeps mentioning she's lonely since the divorce, keeps texting me about coming out when she's out on Friday nights... looks fucking amazing on her Facebook, going out on Halloween as a devil. I'd take her like that, horns and all! I'd take her like anything - she does something to me and I could never, ever tell her she makes me just, lose control, like there's an animal in me only she can reach, and the perfect gentleman I am could switch at any time, that I could never tell her because I can only show her, and God, how I want to show her, how I just want to take her, enough talk, it is hollow, I will make you mine and this is how

Oh God, Paul, no woman wants to hear all that! Especially when she's drunk, lonely and feeling rejected. Maybe I should at least... just... a coffee? A wine? Just to see if we have chemistry outside work...

Nah, don't want to push my luck. Will wait til the Christmas party, see if she wears some mistletoe. God, I'd love to kiss her cheek. You can test electricity like that, I reckon. That's as surefire as anything else.

Just hope she doesn't get drunk and snog Karl again. Still, I bet she'll keep texting me for a good while yet. Best keep her on the slow burner.

[New Jack]

Could have a wank, could make me stop leering at every female I see and stop getting outsized boners in the worst possible situations.

... It'll wear off on its own. Right, time to babysit

[Delete Delete Delete]

If I always walk on the left hand side of the stairs going up and down, I'll save a mint in wear and tear.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Driving at 65 through the average speed cameras on the M6. The increased MPG is thy reward.

[New Jack]

Can't go wrong with Carlsberg

You just can't.

Paul explains to the coked up hen night asking him if he wants some champers.

[New Jack]

I am play it safe Paul and I move my 5 pounds from my bumbag into the wallet concealed in my shoe

and then he got off the beach... aaaah

[Glebe]

Take-a-Chance Tom is on the dancefloor, knocking the pina coladas into himself and flirting with all the birds!

[Delete Delete Delete]

Big Tip Ken says to stick a £1 on one Trick Pony in the 3:30, ded cert. Mugs game mate, i'm investing that £1 into 2p machines.

[New Jack]

Whole chicken down to 50p in Asda, best before is still ten days off

.. Best not risk it. Paul picks up a fresh one that's twelve days off for £3, takes it home and overcooks it

[Delete Delete Delete]

Doctors appointment today, says I've got to have my tonsils out. I've opted to get chemo, better safe than sorry.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Longform new jack killing it back there

[New Jack]

Take-a-Chance Tom is on the dancefloor, knocking the pina coladas into himself and flirting with all the birds!

Paul sees Tom dancing with Samantha. Tom isn't a bad guy; Paul has a few inches on him too, Tom is always on about brotherhood - could just have a word. He might even step aside. Paul probably should mention his crush to someone, after all.

... Mind you. Samantha won't fall for brash, cocky, confident Tom surely. Best not to make waves.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Play It Safe Paul catches sight of Pauper Pete standing outside the Post Office. Oh fuck he thinks. He crosses the road, first having to backtrack 200 yards to the nearest Pelican crossing, and continues on his way.

Later, as he sits down to a cup of luck warm decaffeinated water, he tries to work out if its 'pay peter to rob paul' o-or 'pay paul to rob peter..' Either way, it was a lucky escape.

[Norton Canes]

Craig invites him. Jackie invites him. Alborz invites him. Deeanne invites him. Tom invites him. "Mate, just come along. It'll be fine."

He stays in.

[New Jack]

Paul briefly considers the motto of the SAS.

Not strictly always true, is it? Paul gets back to work immediately.

[:(]

Late one night, Paul sees an elderly gentleman collapse on the opposite pavement, runs 1/2 mile up the road to a pelican crossing and then administers 10 minutes of CPR to the man's corpse.