Play-it-safe Paul

[New Jack]

Paul gets a book out the library, walks back in and renews it.

[dr beat]

Oh no Paul's started a new page!

[New Jack]

Paul makes another post so soon after the last one. Takes the focus off that first one on the page

[New Jack]

Paul posts a letter with fifteen first class stamps. It should get to five miles off by Wednesday. Hopefully.

[Howj Begg]

Paul decides against using the superior vocal take of Helter Skelter with his whoops and hollers. "Mustn't frighten me older fans" he thinks wistfully, puffing on a tab outside. Meanwhile he can hear John and Yoko screaming away in the latest Revolution take, and grimaces. "Nah definitely not that take" he thinks again, grinding the fag under his sole on the wet paving.

[New Jack]

Play-it-safe Paulie bursts into the Brexit thread and, rather than engage with anything there, just posts a stereotypical insulting one liner observation 'borrowed' from right wing forums, slaps it down, and logs out for a week, so as to never have to handle any potential dissent. Walnuts, you've done it again!

[New Jack]

Paul listens to every new Now That's What I Call Music

[Replies From View]

Play-it-safe Paul catches an unusual taste in a Mini Melton Mowbray.

Removes everything from his mouth and pops it all into the bin.  Rinses his mouth out eleven times and pops every food item from his kitchen into the bin too.  Unopened boxes of breakfast cereal, unopened cheese and milk, eggs, fruit, pasta, rice, the lot.  Into the bin, then he ties up the big black bag and takes it two miles away to a massive wheelie bin outside a hotel, with a heavy lid that seals down solidly.  Just to be on the safe side.

(I'm surprised he eats Mini Melton Mowbrays, to be honest.)

[New Jack]

Paul's manager Debbie wakes up, ahhh, lazy Sunday morning... what's this on the work blower? Just got a voicemail saying Paul sneezed so just leaving a message saying if he isn't in work in 20 hours time he's probably off sick but he will call to confirm after the hospital tests are done and

Debbie deletes the message before it finishes

[Pingers]

Paul has (another) wank.  Rather than using a tissue to wipe up and throw it in the bin afterwards, he uses toilet roll and flushes it and then thoroughly wipes around and under the seat, just to make sure he doesn't get his wife or daughter pregnant.

I laughed.

Paul votes Lib Dem

[Chollis]

Paul has stabilisers installed on his car.

[seepage]

Paul wants a Pop-o-matic d8 and d20 - luckily they're on Kickstarter already

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Paul never starts threads on forums in case no-one replies.

Paul never starts threads on forums in case someone replies.

[Fishfinger]

Late October, and Paul pulls over at the site of a traffic accident. A man covered in blood is crawling from vehicular wreckage. It occurs to him to jape that "Halloween was yesterday, mate!" But then he's unsure of the date. And he left his phone, iPad, laptop, clock and watch at home to charge in case they ran out and there was an emergency. Hmm. This guy might have have AIDS, or unsavoury views. Hmm. Probably best to just walk away. He puts on headphones and drives slowly but carefully past the scene then home, looking forward to peeling off the clingfilm and foil from his microwave dinner. He's pretty sure microwaves are ok these days. Hmm... maybe a sandwich. Gluten free. What is that anyway? He won't eat until he's done due diligence.

[Glebe]

Paul has stabilisers installed on his car.

You say 'car', but it's more of a trike.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

I mean, Paul would go Loco down in Acapulco, but what if someone got hurt?

[Berthas Fat Leg]

To avoid offending anyone, Paul says 'Bally Heck' instead of 'Bloody Hell,' - even when there's no-one around, which is 99% of the time tbh.

[Shit Good Nose]

Paul has a direct debit set up for a TV licence, even though he doesn't have a TV and doesn't watch iPlayer.

[Chollis]

To avoid offending anyone, Paul says 'Bally Heck' instead of 'Bloody Hell,' - even when there's no-one around, which is 99% of the time tbh.

Realising that 'Bally Heck' may be offensive to Scots, he ceases any exclamations of this sort entirely.

[New Jack]

Paul gets a prescription filled.

Ticks every box on the form and pays anyway. That's his eczema sorted.

[New Jack]

Out of sheer horny desperation, Colin gets an escort. KINKY KIRSTY. ANYTHING U WANT NO JUDGEMENT

Sounds perfect for what he has in mind!

He turns up at the address she texted him, she's a gorgeous blonde in lingerie. He feels Paul's Cock (his pet name for his cock, no fuss, no muss) stir through his beige slacks at the very sight of her. She lets him in, all smiles. The flat is bare but smells nice, she's playing a bit of Barry White.

'So, lover, what wild fantasy do you want me to fulfil? I'm all yours. You've got me for a HOLE hour you dirty stallion!' she purrs, pushing her tits out, pouting. This is it. Paul's chance.

'Can we just sit on the bed, talk and hold hands? I just don't want to rush into anything.'

£240 well spent, a nice relaxing hour without worrying about moving too fast. And she's such a good listener! Paul gets the antibacterial gel out of his coat pocket on the way down the steps and gives his hand a good slather, a dreamy, satisfied look in his eyes.

He'd notch this on his bedpost if it didn't wreck the varnish. Now to get onto Orange, best get this number changed in case the law come sniffing.

Kirsty, though, can't help but feel a wee bit violated...

[New Jack]

Paul doesn't like the look of those clouds. On with the vest, the Calvins, the longjohns, the hooded jacket, winter coat, fingerless gloves, mittens on top of the fingerless gloves, extra thick rubber jonny, scarf, cap and sunglasses.

Oh, Mr Sun's just come out. Still, the wind might change at any moment. Paul keeps his face as normal as possible as he trudges off to Put-upon-Peter's stag night.

[Ferris]

iTunes library:

• Craig David: Best Of

[New Jack]

Paul is quite partial also to Moby's "Play"

[Ferris]

Returned the Lighthouse Family's Greatest Hits to WH Smiths.

"Bit too rocky for me"

[Pingers]

Returned the Lighthouse Family's Greatest Hits to WH Smiths.

"Bit too rocky for me"

Nice touch

[Ferris]

Nice touch

I was quite pleased with it. Added it as an edit after posting.

[New Jack]

Added it as an edit after posting.

Paul does this as well

[Lord Mandrake]

After a series of events too unlikely and nebulous to recount here, Paul decides the safe option in this particular scenario - is to burn the corpse.

[Shit Good Nose]

After a series of events too unlikely and nebulous to recount here, Paul decides the safe option in this particular scenario - is to burn the corpse.

But just as he's about to strike the (safety) match, he pauses and thinks that dissolving in acid at a remote and disused industrial estate (tetanus shot beforehand, even though he had a booster last year) might be a safer option, on account of the smoke and flames.