Colin CABber

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Colin CABber goes into his favourite forum. " Wonder what laughs and serious debate I'm in for today ? " He thinks to himself.

Within the hour, he has laughed heartily at some Glebe whimsy about being chased by a mimmy,  or something like that, called Jeremy Corbyn all the bearded pseudo- socialist cunts under the sun, made an impressive intellectual reference to an early piece of writing by Jean Paul- Sartre, reminisced fondly with a like- minded CABber about Roy Kinnear's sterling performance on the little remembered comedy show " Mother Nature's Bloomers "and voiced his approval of a jolly attractive young lady on the " Phwooooòoar, What A Bobby Dazzler! " thread .

" A good bit of CABbing, there. " He does think to himself.

[saltysnacks]

Colin CABber doesn't like Mr Gervais, not one bit. Not like Stewart Lee, is he? Not an artist is he?

[Neville Chamberlain]

Thanks to not eating for the past three months, Colin CABber is able to afford his next holiday: a trip to Belgium! He then starts CaB's 43rd thread asking for advice for people traveling to Belgium.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Colin cabber goes into General Bullshit for some earnest navel-gazing, considers HS. Art a 'bin'.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Colin CABber does a massive flounce after his thread on ITV 80's sitcom 'Holding the Fort' is mostly ignored. He is never seen or heard of again.

[New Jack]

Colin wonders why there are so many active members considering how quiet the Chris Morris forum is. He never checks those addon forums. Nobody's here to talk about films after all

[Neville Chamberlain]

Colin CABber has prepared a spreadsheet documenting every joke in every series of Red Dwarf along with percentage ratings indicating how funny the jokes are - not that he actually laughed at any of them, oh no, for that would be too crude a response to comedy for po-faced Colin CABber.

[doppelkorn]

Colin CABber has an opinion about everything. Luckily, it's always the right opinion, so he can write it on the internet for other people to read.

[Ferris]

Colin CaBber is only in it for the Corbyn threads.

[BlodwynPig]

Colin CABber has split personality disorder thanks to his many sock puppet accounts.

[New Jack]

Colin reads every day about his fellow balding phimosis sufferers, but that doesn't stop him getting anxious at the bus stop, especially the latter condition because Colin habitually exposes himself to buses a la CaB tradition*


*someone correct this if I've misread anything

[Monsieur Verdoux]

Colin CABber, who has bi-weekly semi-ironic meltdowns about new language/colloquialisms that he hasn't heard before, works himself up into such a vituperative frenzy that he accidentally has a go at someone for using a rather common term, his thinking having been slowed by his bitterness. Upon somebody describing something as a "thirst-quencher" he immediately quotes it and posts "Thirst-quencher. Fucking thirst-quencher. Amazing. Another one to throw on the pile of nonsensical internet slang. Oh yeah just going off to a hipster hangout for a thirst-quencher. GRAVE."

When someone points out his error, he makes no acknowledgement and simply ceases to post in that thread.

[Gregory Torso]

Colin Cabber very much enjoys using the phrases "Get that in the grave!", "I blame Jack Bowlem", "Bruce Forsyth has sadly passed away" and "Bovvered?!".

[Glebe]

Goes to see some arthouse film. Doesn't get it, but posts 'I prefer Cocteau's ouvre.'

[a duncandisorderly]

another thread fucked by colin 'drive-by' CABber.

[Glebe]

Attempts to read a Thomas Pynchon book book but sods it off to play FIFA '18.

[New Jack]

another thread fucked by colin 'drive-by' CABber.

Colin is absolutely sick of reading CaB and seeing the kind of predictable disgusting comment he'd make.

[a duncandisorderly]

Colin is absolutely sick of reading CaB and seeing the kind of predictable disgusting comment he'd make.

two shay.

[New Jack]

two shay.

Take that, similarly minded cunts! Colin likes his own identity, having fought so hard for it... And feels awkward when it's accepted

Also, Colin uses the word cunt

[a duncandisorderly]

play-it-safe-paul writes 'cunt', deletes it & writes 'front-bottom' instead. walls have sausages. those IT people might report him.

[Captain Z]

Colin CABber notices someone has disagreed quite strongly with his post, but he isn't going to justify them with a response, the fact they're so wound up says more about them than him... ooh, that's good! This'll wipe the smug grin off their face...

[New Jack]

play-it-safe-paul writes 'cunt', deletes it & writes 'front-bottom' instead. walls have sausages. those IT people might report him.

When there's women he defers to mimsy-woo-woo. It is meaningless and no fucking dickshitter extraordinaire can be fucked working out subtexts of the cutesy names he uses for bodily parts or functions.

Then he starts a megathread about dropping the kids off at the pool

[Ferris]

Attempts to read a Thomas Pynchon book book but sods it off to play FIFA '18.

Eerily accurate.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Goes to see some arthouse film. Doesn't get it, but posts 'I prefer Cocteau's ouvre.'

I bet he does the dirty old bollocks.

[PlanktonSideburns]

I bet he does the dirty old bollocks.

No one speaks to me like that, not even my closest friends

BLOCKED

[PlanktonSideburns]

Colin sees a slightly meta thread about cabbers, thinks

Well I don't usually go for all that HSart shite, but this could be fun

Nope.

Nopenopenopenope



No.

[Gregory Torso]

Colin CABber bumps a 7 year old thread with the sentence "Edit: Sorry, never mind."

[BlodwynPig]

Colin was a little fish on those other forums, but he feels like a humpback whale in this place.

0 replies in his "Bill Frisell" thread though.

[Maurice Yeatman]

Colin gets into a day-long argument with another poster that ends with him delivering a pissed-up coup de grâce to his opponent just before midnight.

He logs in at work the next morning to revisit his triumph and sees that he accidentally posted his last three comments via his sockpuppet account and now everyone is taking the piss and calling him a cunt.

[New Jack]

Colin logs into his account, which is a gimmick, the gimmick of which is posting about poo, and possibly wee, in a whimsical manner.

Colin artfully drafts another post that makes him, only him laugh; and years later, he is a mainstay, with his own "brand". Poo and wee. Whimsically! Whimsical shit and whimsical piss. See, the whimsy protects it from lowest-common-denominator criticism. And hey, if whimsy ever fails, there's other masks...

Colin works up the urge to massively rebrand his gimmick to become inclusive of ironic spew and world-weary bogies. Yes, the ... the gimmick. The gimmick!

The real Colin, offline and no gimmick, rubbing his bald head and tugging at his foreskin, basks in the success of literal shitposting