DESOLATION QUEST 2018 ROUND TWO - Huxleys Babkins v the midnight watch baboon

[Huxleys Babkins]

The bottom stair of his flat. That's where he met her. Emma. New Years Eve party, 1966. She took his breath away. As the bells tolled for another year past, they held each other and chatted for what seemed like an eternity. He'd never leave her side.

Soulmates. A wedding. Euphoria. A long life ahead.

The bottom stair of their house. That's where he found her. Emma. 27th March, 2015. She took her last breath. As the bells tolled for Emma, he sat silent as he held her, waiting for an ambulance for what seemed like an eternity. He'd never leave her side.

Soulmates. A funeral. Numb. A long life ahead.

[the midnight watch baboon]

He pulls the sleeping bag from the tangle of bones and gizzards that are Emma. He smiles wantonly, sweetcorn teeth dimly backlighting the black crescent torn across his face. Nearly fifty years of his life with Emma have died.

'You're next,' he calls up to Emma's buckled husband who writhes slowly in a different, pissy sleeping bag, atop the stairs. His former flatmate yells with custard-like desperation through the muffles.

Nearly fifty years of watching Emma with him. The approaching ambulance drones, Neeee and Nahhhh. He coughs up a thick wad of gob and deposits it on his lost angel. A real phlegm brulée. He climbs the stairs and takes a hold of his former flatmate's sleeping bag. Right by the nape.

A church bell tolls.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Bernard's time in prison for double murder was not fun. But on 5th May, after months of fear and violence his time has come to an end. Hammersmith Greg drags him from his bed and orders David the Bitch to forcibly insert a number of items into his rectum. He complies with glee. One end of a bed sheet is tied to Bernard's neck and the other around the bannister on the central stairway.

Soon, seven of the nastiest bastards to have ever walked the streets have descended upon the scene, brandishing blunt instruments; a chair leg, a warden's stolen truncheon, a prosthetic arm.

A dildo.

Bernard is dropped and through the agony of being hanged, he can feel his torso and legs being beaten. As he loses consciousness his bowels loosen and the prisoners below cheer as they are showered with tabs, skunk weed, a selection of Quality Street, wraps of spice and, astonishingly, a four finger Kit-Kat.

Cinco de Mayo was a great success. Same time next year. But not for Bernard.

[the midnight watch baboon]

colin's log flume. to wit:

FRED DURST: We can cover it, y'know, y'hear our Beyond Blue Eyes?
TRUMAN CAPOTE: Behind.
FRED DURST: W-w-w-w-w-whassat now?
TRUMAN CAPOTE: Behind blue eyes, Fred. That's the song's name: Behind Blue Eyes.
FRED DURST: R-r-r-r-r-r-RAWWWHHHYAAHHHH. You right there, bitch. I had no clue.
TRUMAN CAPOTE: Can you please leave. I'm expecting Harper Lee on that particular stair you're sitting upon. I want to twiddle things.

F.D: Yah kool, I'm a ghost, baby, I'm ghost.
T.C.: Thanks. Thank you. Enjoy the show up on step eight, I believe it's...
F.D. ROBBIE'S SARDINE SANDWICH EXPERIMENTS. YAH.                               RIGHT ON.
T.C.: Do tell me how it goes. The eyes will be billowing with tiny dust emulsions. The bread all rye and tomato-saturated, of course. Those manifold tiny lives starting as a quarry, middling with death, ending en tin.

F.D: Hahaha you speak funny old fella. I'll get you that biscuit-AHHH!
T.C: Good.                                        good.
F.D: I can feel black mould strangling my brain. like a big ham in a black fishing net.
T.C: Come now. Watch the hawkeagles wheeling in the sky. Come now. Salut.

[BlodwynPig]

Sorry Baboon, you lost it on that last shot, no fucking clue??

Babkins

[PlanktonSideburns]

That opener is magestic, a beautiful dance

Huxley

[Gregory Torso]

I really don't want to choose between these two but I must and I will: Babkins, because the opening shot really went deep.

[Fishfinger]

Huxbabs.

[QDRPHNC]

Babkins

[chveik]

Huxley Babkins

"phlegm brulée" was great though

[drummersaredeaf]

Huxley

[Noonling]

Huxley Babkins

"phlegm brulée" was great though

Same.

[seepage]

Huxleys Babkins

[Ferris]

Babkins for the second

[pancreas]

Babley Huxkins pls. Baboon's last shot suggestive of a serious stroke.

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

babkins

[Pingers]

Both sterling efforts but Babkins for me

[:(]

Huxley

[the midnight watch baboon]

Sympathy votes pls ladz

[pancreas]

Not after that abortion of a second shot. Death is too good for you.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Huxley gets to walk on into a brave new world, and midnight gets a slap round the head with a copy of ape and essence.

[BlodwynPig]

Just for the record

14 - 0, two Deso Quest records. First zero score by a player, and biggest winning margin.

Deso Deso, oOOOH babs
Deso Deso, oOOOH babs

[Spoon of Ploff]

Just for the record

14 - 0, two Deso Quest records. First zero score by a player, and biggest winning margin.

Deso Deso, oOOOH babs
Deso Deso, oOOOH babs

You checked all the scores from the last three Desolation Quests?

[BlodwynPig]

You checked all the scores from the last three Desolation Quests?

I remember. I always keep an eye out for a zero score. There may have been a 21-6 score once, perhaps a final or semi. But deffo no zero scores. Someone did nearly get a zero, but a sympathy vote was made at the last moment.

[pancreas]

Sorry, are we now trying to desolate the looser?

[Ferris]

Sorry, are we now trying to desolate the looser?

Depends if they can spell "loser" or not. Frankly, I think you've had enough punishment for one year.

[the midnight watch baboon]

I am going to carry all your wet brains in a black keepnet down to Fresno. I live in Washington state nowadays and can only see this attack as an aggravated league of semi-European centre leftites trying to separate my thoughts and stow them for the post media scrum from the futurenet.

Well done HB! Very well played.

The rest of you get ready for the skin of my brulee popping out and mopping your faces with the underskin shit.

I'm so sorry, I have been ill lately.


I'm so angry right now?

Thanks then

[Huxleys Babkins]

You've set a new DESOLATION QUEST record, so we're both winners in a way. Me more than you, obviously, because I actually won by a fucking landslide.

[Spoon of Ploff]

As an Administrator of this competition it would be wrong for me to pass judgment on the utter abject failure of a player the midnight watch baboon turned out to be. So I won't.

[Fishfinger]

phlegm brulée almost swung it. But didn't. What I'm saying is you nearly had a vote.