90s Thora Hird Deso

[BlodwynPig]

Thora Hird rage quits Stanna over an unpaid royalty and whores herself out to Barrett Bungalows
Thora Hird is mistaken for Harry Secombe as the archdeacon splays his anus close to the tabernacle. The archdeacon is GOATSE.
Thora Hird tries to recreate the famous LOTSW bathtub scene whilst off her tits on ecstasy. She's too heavy. It tumbles into a quarry.
Thora Hird is the first person in the UK to get dial-up. The sound of the modem convinces her that she has ghosts.
Thora Hird is cast as one of the main Deep Ones in an unaired episode of The X-Files.

[Norton Canes]

Alan Bennett gives 'A Cream Cracker Under The Settee' to Peggy Mount. Thora Hird dies a Morecambe crackwhore.

[New Jack]

Thora Hird has it large, putting out her hip in the process.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Norman buys himself the Praise Be Series 2 VHS box set and a Kleenex Mansize twin pack with his Christmas bonus.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Thor: Hird

[Huxleys Babkins]

Matthew Bannister receives a written warning after signing a five year deal worth £3million with Thora Hird to replace Steve Wright on the Radio 1 Breakfast Show.

[Bazooka]

Thora Hird washes her false teeth in Lilt before settling down for the night in her nest made of intertwined SCART leads.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Thora Hird is sacked from the Radio 1 Breakfast Show after just three days on the job after Blur's Alex James says the word "cunt" seven times during an interview.

[pancreas]

Thora Hird washes her false teeth in Lilt before settling down for the night in her nest made of intertwined SCART leads.

karm

[Bazooka]

Thora Hird consumes a 500g pack of Werthers Original before appearing on This Is Your Life. Hird holds back the throw up for as long as she can, but the pungent aroma of Michael Aspell's Old Spice proves too much.

[the]

     

[BlodwynPig]

Thora Hird RIP
Never Forget
A True Giant of Stage and Screen

"Hang on, I'm not dead yet, it's 1993 for heaven's sake!"

Chokes on an extra thick slice of Battenburg and is mangled 'neath the stairlift mechanisms.

[Glebe]

Thora prepares a lovely Bakewell for some guests, including Malcolm 'Norris from Corrie' Hebden. But Hebden proves spiteful during the occasion, complaining about the strength of the tea and saying of the Bakewell itself, "It's reasonable, though mind you, I could have done better meself if I'm being perfectly candid. There you are, then," he finishes with a sigh.

[Brian Freeze]

She's only got one top lip and her shits stink.



Anyone else remember this from Viz? Please tell me we didn't imagine it.

[a duncandisorderly]

discovers she is rhyming slang.

"for what?", she cries.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Thora Hird MEP

[Gregory Torso]

Third Hird nibbles at the rubber seal around her walk-in shower cubicle where she has been trapped for three days now. She bitterly regrets snubbing Bill Owen and Peter Sallis at the Baftas because otherwise they'd be round now for a few games of "Chinaman Railroad" and would almost certainly have released her.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Thora Hird's raucous Saturday night gameshow Don't Forget Your St Christopher is launched onto an unsuspecting public, offering the chance to win a coach trip to Salisbury Cathedral if you "Brighten Your Bible" or a weekend in the Godless sesspit that is Magaluf if you "Illuminate Your Impiety".

The show is cancelled after just four episodes after Happy Mondays' Gary Whelan makes a joke about the Pope shitting in the woods 17 times during an interview.

[BlodwynPig]

Thora Hird's raucous Saturday night gameshow Don't Forget Your St Christopher is launched onto an unsuspecting public, offering the chance to win a coach trip to Salisbury Cathedral if you "Brighten Your Bible" or a weekend in the Godless sesspit that is Magaluf if you "Illuminate Your Impiety".

The show is cancelled after just four episodes after Happy Mondays' Gary Whelan makes a joke about the Pope shitting in the woods 17 times during an interview.

YES!

[Shit Good Nose]

Thora Hird gets slapped by a shellsuit wearing triad gangster.  He thought she was Beryl Reid though.

[BlodwynPig]

Mystic Meg tells Thora that 2003 is going to be "a big year for you and a girl named Dido...proper biggun', darling"

[Glebe]

Hird could be cruel and biting, and often took her (not infrequent) fowl moods out on fellow Summer Wine cast members. On one notorious occasion, she allegedly told Blakey from On the Buses, "You've a face like a sack and a voice like a sad mole, y'big twat."

[Bazooka]

A hungover Hird tucks into some poptarts whilst watching Airwolf on a Saturday afternoon. Not letting them cool down she bites into one, the molten strawberry magma bursts out causing 1st degree burns to her chin, lip, tongue and gums, and causes the adhesive in her dentures to melt, teeth cascade onto her exoskeleton.

[Glebe]

Hird once sent Carry On's Peter Butterworth a dirty bomb. Butterworth's wife called the police, and Hird was apprehended in Calais. On her person were a false passport, 200 francs and the address of a safe house in Lyon. One young officer described Hird as "rabid, with a false, untrustworthy face, and the stringent cruelty of a mad butcher." Within hours she was back in Britain, and up before the beak within days. The judge called her "a very foul animal" and gave her a suspended sentence of one month plus two hours community service at Sid's tea shop, not the one in Only Fools and Horses that is a cafe, but the tea shop in Last of the Summer Wine were the three rapscallion leads set world to rights over a cuppa after another rambling adventure!

[BlodwynPig]

+1 korma!

[Huxleys Babkins]

Thora Hird's Channel 4 teatime light entertainment show Praise Be It's Friday is thrust upon an unsuspecting audience. A mixture of raucous chat, live music, hymns and prayer, PBI Friday is a ratings smash.

Sadly, the show is cancelled after six episodes due to a deluge of complaints after singer David McAlmont sat on a pint glass and encouraged racing driver Johnny Herbert to flick tiddlywinks into the resulting gape during an interview.

[Bazooka]

Brilliant ^^

[Glebe]

Once, during a break filming Talking Heads for Alan Bennett, Hird noticed Bennett telling a lackey to nip out and get him a plaice, curry chips and a can of Fanta. Before the messenger boy left, Hird took him aside and lied that Bennett had changed the order to hake, deep fried onion rings and a can of Sprite, all of which Hird knew Bennett hated. Bennett was furious when his lunch arrived, but when the lunch lad had finally managed to convince Bennett that Hird had tricked him, Hird told him that it was merely a friendly little joke and that she would personally go out and get the proper order herself. She returned with haddock, cheesy chips and a can of Coke.

[pancreas]

Thora Hird's Channel 4 teatime light entertainment show Praise Be It's Friday is thrust upon an unsuspecting audience. A mixture of raucous chat, live music, hymns and prayer, PBI Friday is a ratings smash.

Sadly, the show is cancelled after six episodes due to a deluge of complaints after singer David McAlmont sat on a pint glass and encouraged racing driver Johnny Herbert to flick tiddlywinks into the resulting gape during an interview.

More sadly, this wasn't even the first time that Hird's career success had been forestalled on account of a gape. One of Alan Bennet's Talking Heads was scheduled to star Thora as a washed-out ventriloquist that had taken to a life of burlesque where she would appear to talk out of her own gape. Obviously, this was never shown on television but the unaired episode surfaced in a widely-shared bootleg. The damage to Hird's reputation was never fully mended.

[Glebe]

Hird could be callous.

One time she swapped Francis de la Tour's stage make-up for rotten boot polish and blamed it on Gerry Cowper.