Your Granddad, right,

[Soup]

Gargles Dettol after breakfast to neutralise the boiled egg burps.

Carves his name into his shoes in case of a mix up at the swimming baths.

Switches over from Tipping Point because of the way Ben Shephard looks at your nan.

That's your Granddad.

[Glebe]

Clive Dunn leaves thread in high dudgeon.

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

Straps his balls to his thighs with leather belts to stop them "flapping about".

[Shit Good Nose]

Let's you have the bread and dripping whilst he picks at the raw onion and cucumber in vinegar.  Less than 1cm left of his tab but he's still smoking it.  To the out-house for a shit after, even though it's hovering around freezing.  Songs of Praise later.  Not that noisy Highway with that hooligan Harry Secombe.

[petril]

"filters?!?! filters are for poofters", as a yellowed finger stabs forward. ash flutters off to the side

[Pingers]

Your Grandad, right, didn't fight in the war so that all them Eastern Europeans could just come over and take all the jobs.

[petril]

"Coaster!" he shouts as you return with two mugs of industrial standard tea. Because he cares. About not giving his wife another four days' nagging material, he explains.

[Shit Good Nose]

Gives you 20p and a packet of Opal Fruits behind your back and winks like a criminal.  Then takes a tin of peaches (no label) from the WW2 ration cupboard ("just in case"), much to nan's annoyance (granddad just rolls his eyes and then nudges you with one of his knobbly elbows), empties them into a dish and then liberally pours over a whole pot of Elmlea.

"This is how we do afters in the croft" he says, whilst putting back in his dentures.  "Help me clean out the pigeons later."

[Sebastian Cobb]

Punched a 35-year old EDL supporter spouting some fascist bile about his Grandad not fighting in Germany to let in 'cunts like this', under the guise of 'I fought in Germany to stop fascist cunts like you', he didn't fight in Germany at all, but it's as good a reason as any to have a tear up isn't it?

[Misspent Boners]

Out in the shed, headstrong and defiant of the first frost, all thumbs and hardly any fingers, breaths wheezing from his lips with every manouvre like an indecipherable conversation, projecting foggy breaths like punctuation marks.

Delicately placing one cog upon the other, turning the screwdriver with the most delicate touch, like an artist carefully applying leaves on a watercolour. Eyes on the prize and never letting up

If he could just fix the watch if he could just fix the watch just maybe he could wind it backwards.

Dat's gramps

[Bazooka]

Still only uses the outside coal shed toilet as "they just built them sturdier back then".

[Chairman Bodog]

[Gregory Torso]

Your granddad used to cut out the page 3 girls from the mirror, he used to stockpile them in a biscuit tin, but then he burnt them all in his garden when Sharia law didn't come into effect on January 1st, 2000.

[Gregory Torso]

Your granddad once called Michael Mcintyre a "useless oriental".

[petril]

he's allowed to call them coloured he insists. He used to work the clubs with Charlie Williams, he adds.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your Grandad, right, didn't fight in the war so that all them Eastern Europeans could just come over and take all the jobs.

It's true, he didn't fight in the war as all as it happens.