DESOLATION QUEST 2018 QUARTER FINAL - Huxleys Babkins v drummersaredeaf

[Huxleys Babkins]

We'd bought the Old Lock Keepers Cottages with the intention of refurbishing and selling it off the back of The Big Breakfast's cult following. And that's when we found Mark Little. He was holed up in the bathroom, skeletally thin, eating giant foam props to stay alive. "One lump or two??" he shrieked. He was drinking out of the toilet.

He'd convinced himself I was a vicar and demanded I marry him immediately to a Zig puppet dressed in one of Gabby Roslin's dresses. It stunk of piss. "You must marry us today, vicar, baby will be here soon. I'll not father a bastard. More tea?? More tea??" A partially burnt Zag with no head was to be the witness. "I had no choice, vicar. I owed him money. He was going to kill me. Oh, God, forgive me!"

As he was led out to the ambulance he was just muttering to himself "Don't phone, it's just for fun," over and over again. He sneaked out of the hospital later that night and we found him back at the cottages, drowned in a giant teacup.

[drummersaredeaf]

The M&Ms advert. But only your wife is nowhere near as attractive as Gabby, she's being railed by a professional Chris Evans lookalike, and the actual Keith Chegwin is wanking in the wardrobe.

And you're not home early, you've knocked on to ask them to keep it down while you work in the spare room.

[Huxleys Babkins]

"Where are you Cheggers?!"

Here he comes, down your street, up your path. "Quick, Mildred, lock the door."

He tramples your dahlias as he fumbles for the bell. Bastard.

Mildred's answered it anyway. Couldn't help herself. And now look at you both, desperately late for work and dressed as Liam Gallagher and Damon Albarn, throwing cassette tapes into a bucket in a ramshackle "Britpop battle", goaded on by a shrieking Chegwin.

"Did you have a good time?" You force a scripted "Mad for it!" through a rictus grin whilst Mildred waves enthusiastically at the camera. No point going to work now, you missed the meeting. Your desk has already been cleared.

"It's not that bad, dear. I won £40 and a t-shirt."

[drummersaredeaf]

Cheggers organises a Big Breakfast Big New Year Bash in a disused warehouse at great expense, but the only people who turn up are his new lover, Mildred; Paul Ross; and the bloke who 'looks after Paul's dahlias'. Paul fucks off for a blast of meow meow as midnight approaches.

[Ferris]

Very high standard all round. Babkins for introducing The Big Breakfast.

[Gregory Torso]

Great match. Hux 4 president.

[BlodwynPig]

drummer

[:(]

Babs

[QDRPHNC]

Babkins

[chveik]

drummers

[Noonling]

drummers

[Pingers]

Tighter than a rent boy's vest, but drummers just edged it for me. Cracking match

[Fishfinger]

Babkins.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Hux

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

Babkins

[pancreas]

HB Pencil

[Spoon of Ploff]

Huxleys Babkins goes through with 8 votes to drummer's 4 votes.

[drummersaredeaf]

Congrats to Hux. Both for winning, and not rising to the succession of bizarre messages that I sent.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Commiserations to drummers. Was a good round.

I wasn't really sure how to respond to any of those messages, so I just sat there, paralysed, leaving you to sit and wonder whether they'd landed. METADESO.

[drummersaredeaf]

I bet you did, you dirty old bollocks.

[PlanktonSideburns]

No one talks to me like that etc