DESOLATION QUEST 2018 QUARTER FINAL - FerriswheelBueller vs Gregory Torso

[Ferris]

A dusty widow sets up a google alert for "CHEAP FUNERAL" & "GROUPON".

'Don't worry Mike, if it goes another month I'll throw you in the canal like we planned.'

[Spoon of Ploff]

tenuous connection to the theme word, but i'll allow it

[BlodwynPig]

(he could have used Loch instead of canal)

[Gregory Torso]

After a quick rap and shout out to Lord Jesus, Barbara puts Mike in the canal, as he would have wanted. He always loved floating. Punts him out with her foot, but Mike, a big lad, gets caught on the spokes of a pram someone's dumped in the water, and he stays there. A chunky starfish in a cardboard suit.

"He's wi' nature now" sighs Barbara, leaving the mass.

Mike stays there in the canal. Barges have to curve around him. The men on the barges pat his belly as they go past. Ducks picnic on him. Small children swim out to the Isle Of Mike as initiation rites into their lunchbox gangs.

Eventually Mike starts to break apart, like a big sandwich. He is very runny inside, and the already murky canal turns a strange rusty colour.

[Ferris]

The larger bits of Mike congregate and settle with rest of the unwanted detritus on the bottom of the Shropshire Union Canal, a Limp Bizkit CD for a headstone.

Barbara cackles as she speeds away in the Mondeo. Crematorium? Too much admin, and anyway that's ten notes saved to spend on PIZZA BURGERS KEBABS.

[Gregory Torso]

Inside PIZZA URGES BABS, Mike's best friends Cassius and Ian are waiting for their greasy hair poultices to bake.

"'Ere, Cassius, it's Mike's wake tonight. You going?"
"Aw, mate, I would, but like, I was going to head up the field and blind lambs with my new laser pen, you know."
"Aye. I do know."
"Yerself?"
"Mate, I would like, but they've got that Pederasty Workshop on at the town hall, you know, and I promised the lad I'd take him."
"Oh aye, you've got to keep promises."

Barbara enters, swigging from a bottle.
"Alright gents? Just seen me husband off. Drink?"
"Aye, what is it" says Ian taking a long swig.
"Canal wine. 67% Mike. It'll get you messy."

And she laffs.

[BlodwynPig]

High standard.

Blurred lines.

Torso

[chveik]

GT

[Noonling]

Its all so beautiful, but Torso wins for me.

[Pingers]

Breaks apart like a big sandwich. Torso for me, sorry to see Ferris out though

[Ferris]

Breaks apart like a big sandwich. Torso for me, sorry to see Ferris out though

Only 4 votes in, I can still stink my way to victory (or best loser). I'm not done yet.

[kittens]

torso

[Gregory Torso]

Only 4 votes in, I can still stink my way to victory (or best loser). I'm not done yet.

Exactly. FERRIS

[Ferris]

Exactly. FERRIS

Torso for the first return.

[Fishfinger]

I don't believe in Gregory Torso, but I'm afraid of him.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Ferrrrris

[pancreas]

Torso. Ferris has been in this game far too long and it's high time for him to leave.

[Gregory Torso]

Torso. Ferris has been in this game far too long and it's high time for him to leave.

Come on, Tim Ferris.

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

GT

[Huxleys Babkins]

Torso for the first return. Magnificent.

[drummersaredeaf]

Ferris

[QDRPHNC]

Torso.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Despite voting twice for Ferris (only counting one of them btw) Gregory Torso wins this one 11 votes to 3

[Ferris]

Nice work, Greg Torso! Knew I was cooked after I saw the first return. Very high standard this year.

All the best for the rest of the comp!

[Gregory Torso]

Cheers Ferris! And I totally agree - everyone's on top form this time around. Very high standard.

[BlodwynPig]

Nice work, Greg Torso! Knew I was cooked after I saw the first return. Very high standard this year.

All the best for the rest of the comp!

Oooooof. sucker punch.

[:(]

GT