DESOLATION 2018 SEMI FINAL: Gregory Torso vs Huxleys Babkins

[Gregory Torso]

Ron wakes up one morning in his small dark life and decides it will be his last.

The only thing on the greasy hemorrhoid crème coloured wall of his room is a tiny calendar given to him by the Moon Calf Princess Chinese takeaway at the end of the road after he ate sweet n sour chicken balls every Friday night for a full year. The calendar says it's September but Ron is pretty sure that Christmas has been and gone.

He is tired of living in this windowless garret in the roof beams of his parents'  house; tired of the whole street singing the "Ron Is A Cunt" song every night. He's tired of his ex wife's infidelity being paraded like a circus pony up and down the cul de sac, and his bald mum sitting drunk in her car in the driveway blasting out Aerosmith and halitosis at anyone who walks by.

He watches a solitary pubic louse struggle across the cold fleshy map of his elephantine gut and then he flicks it hard into the plaster wall.

[Huxleys Babkins]

It had all been going so well for Ron. He managed to qualify for the 800m quarter finals at the 1992 Barcelona Olympics. The world at his feet. Such a beautiful horizon...

And that's when it all went wrong.

He returned to the changing room, exhausted, to find a celebration already taking place; Great Britain team personnel making mucky with his wife. A stone-faced Linford "Lunchbox" Christie had filled her snatch to the brim and more besides, Steve Cram, attending the games on ambassadorial duty, was up the other end making good on his name in her mouth. Meanwhile, she had both hands lubed up with Deep Heat, pleasuring the members of Du'aine Ledejo and John Regis to completion into Ron's kit bag. And in the corner, Kris Akabusi filmed the tawdry scene on a Hi-8 camera, laughing like a maniac whilst Roger Black ploughed his backside, making good on his name too.

Deeply embarrassed and distraught, he booked the first flight home. He'd never run again. His humiliation worsened when he arrived in Blighty to find Akabusi's footage being shown on Olympic Grandstand with David Coleman providing full commentary.

"Remarkable."

[Gregory Torso]

After 90 minutes of torturously replaying the decathlon of spunk through his wailing mind - where sometimes it is Ron himself in place of his wife, being filled with the healthy athletic gametes of yesteryear's track stars, sometimes he imagines even he is swelling up enceinte with a hydra-headed Olympic foetus in his man ovaries - NO, RON, NO, now is not the time for idle dreaming, it is time for ACTION.

Ron gets on Twitter, to put his house in order, before he burns it down.

@KrissAwoogaAkabusi: seen you doing a fun run for NAMBLA, you big head full of torque. BLOCKED.
@TodgerBlackMBE: seen you on questoon of sport sniffin at that barker you big filth pile. guess what your BLOCKED.
@HotLunchLinford: your alright son youre alright, but your'e still BLOCKED.
@DaveLeeRothsCock: mum, im goin away from you, pls stop drinking pls love yourself, your blocked.
@TheREALNicholasLyndhurst: CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT.      CYUNT.

And so on until his little fatty fingers bleed and when they are all done finally Ron leaves Twitter.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Now banned from Twitter, chucked out by his bald mum, Ron spends the last of his social on a National Express to Brighton. Memories of happy family holidays spur him on; ice creams with his furious Dad, donkey rides with a then-thinning Mum, the penny arcade, the pier. Almost enough to distract him from the painful stool he passes in the chemical toilet; 40% mucus, 50% faeces, 10% blood.

He arrives to find it's carnival day. What joy! The laughing children, the happy parents. A parade with gaudy floats and marching bands. Men in tight rubber costumes dancing up and down. That's Brighton! But what's this? Up on the stage, compering the festivities? Akabusi. Today of all days. The memories come flooding back. The bad times. And he looks again. The floats. Each of them depicting his ex-wife being pleasured by a different lover; David Beckham, Bob Holness, A Martyn Lewis and Martin Lewis spitroast, Chris Barrie, Tinky Winky.

He runs to the pier, so beloved of his childhood, to find an abandoned burnt out husk. The scene speaks to him like poetry. "This is where I belong," he declares as he lashes himself to a crumbling stanchion.

[BlodwynPig]

Top 3 match of the tournament

G҉r҉e҉g҉o҉r҉y҉ ҉T҉o҉r҉s҉o҉

[Ferris]

Babkins for last line of last shot.

Match of of the tournament so far. Sensational, Clive.

[Fishfinger]

Wonderful. I am hiding pathetically behind a spin of Blogwyn's Wheel, which came up Babkins.

[Chollis]

Two of the hottest desolators here Clive and it really shows

Babs for some inspired grot in the return and

"Akabusi. Today of all days."

[Cuellar]

I'm finding these semi-finals very hard to call. Too hard.

[chveik]

torso

[BlodwynPig]

I'm finding these semi-finals very hard to call. Too hard.

Spin the wheel

[pancreas]

Baxleys Hubkins.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Hux

[Cuellar]

Spin the wheel

I've now spun it so many times I don't know who it would be fairer to give it to. Going to have to leave it for a bit until I've forgotten about it then try again.

[Twit 2]

Very close but Torso, for his first.

[chrissiebrmc]

I can't decide :( Definitely the best match so far.

[Noonling]

Hux? Maybe? Oh god. I don't think we should have to choose.

[Gregory Torso]

Baxleys Hubkins.

Vote disregarded and void due to inaccuracy of contestant's name.

[Gregory Torso]

Hacksaw Jim Duggan

[Spoon of Ploff]

Vote disregarded and void due to inaccuracy of contestant's name.

if voting is tight then yes... this sort of thing will have to be taken into account. that and all those folks who had to use a bloody wheel to make their decision.

[QDRPHNC]

Amazing round, but Babkins takes it.

[Pingers]

Baxleys Hubkins

[BlodwynPig]

if voting is tight then yes... this sort of thing will have to be taken into account. that and all those folks who had to use a bloody wheel to make their decision.

Fate of Spoon of Ploff wheel

https://wheeldecide.com/e.php?c1=Death&c2=Contract+terminated&c3=Contract+renewed&c4=Derek+rewatch+ad+infinitum&t=Fate+of+Spoon+of+Ploff&time=5

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

Almost impossible to choose but gonna go torso for the serve. An almost perfect desolation.
Also that wheel is wack, get a spine you cowards! Or toss a fucking coin at least, into your mouths then swallow it and decide when it comes out the other end.

[Bazooka]

Huxley for me on the second stab, seaside towns can be desolate enough and I love them for that reason.

[pancreas]

Torso, I am so sorry to see you destroyed. There will be a new life for you beyond these times.

[Gregory Torso]

Brutal. But I shall go on, in euphoria.

[Gregory Torso]

I've now spun it so many times I don't know who it would be fairer to give it to. Going to have to leave it for a bit until I've forgotten about it then try again.

I can't decide :( Definitely the best match so far.

Just spun the wheel and it said I should take these two votes. Cheers.

[Noonling]

I just spun the wheel and it said both those votes should be for me, all other votes in the semis are invalid unless they are for me, there will be no final, and I've won.

[Spoon of Ploff]

So many spoiled ballots here but last years winner is defeated. Huxleys Babkins is into the final with 9 votes to Gregory Toro's 4