Cunts at work

[Gregory Torso]

At my last job, the cunts I worked with were all my friends, and they were American, which was fine, but due to some kind of clerical error they all also loved Jesus. Every day in the office, all they talked about was Jesus the Christ. Thank you for my blood diseases, thank you for letting my uncle die in a car crash, Jesus, it is all part of your plan. When we signed our contracts it was in there specifically not to talk about Jesus or God or anything religion, and then on the first day of classes there's my colleague, a seven foot pencil thin colossus of a man called Jebediah, carrying a painting of the Last Supper into the dining hall to shout at some confused Chinese children about how they were all going to hell for listening to Buddhist gong music. He got fired for mass emailing a poem he wrote about his student's tits. Edited for telling a lie about a godly man and I don't want to be punished by heaven.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Yer man Torso never lets you down, does he ?

[Crabwalk]

I said, "do you speak-a my language?"
Cunt just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

I've had a bit of a wank over her think about it, and have decided that yer woman from reception looks a fair old bit like Pam Dawber ( from " Mork and Mindy" ) in her prime.
I'm not absolutely certain that I'm 100 per cent entering into the spirit of this thread. You see those rejected " Mid Life Crisis Man" sketches from " The Fast Show" ? That's me, that is.

[New Jack]

On my first day sorting post this year, I was sent into the main warehouse to get in a fresh set of a certain area's post to sort.

So I asked this bloke in there where exactly this post were, and he got proper angry: "It's not my job to train people! Someone should show you where it is! Why can't you figure it out?"

I felt a bit sorry for him as I'd just had my training and realised he must have forgotten: "Positivity is one of Royal Mail's core values mate". Said it with a proper big smile. Then I walked off and found it on my own.

.... Hmm, that's two cunts colliding, that. A bit of scissoring

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Did he also look a bit like yer feller with the sideburns what played Dot Cotton's ex-husband in " EastEnders" , back in the 80s ? If so, congratulations ! You just done met Viz's Postman Plod, rendered into physical flesh and human form !

[New Jack]

He looked like a Japanese man with Buddy Holly glasses on, so it's not a no!

It probably wasn't the Japanese Buddy Holly. Probably.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Jonstone from Charles Bukowski's Post Office?

"MR. JONSTONE IS A FINE MAN!"
"Don't be silly, he's an obvious sadist," I said.
"How long have you been in the Post Office?"
"Three weeks."
"MR. JONSTONE HAS BEEN WITH THE POST OFFICE FOR 30 YEARS!"
"What does that have to do with it?"
"I said, MR. JONSTONE IS A FINE MAN!"
I believe the poor fellow actually wanted to kill me. He and Jonstone must have slept together.
"All right," I said, "Jonstone is a fine man. Forget the whole fucking thing." Then I walked out and took the next day off. Without pay, of course.

[SpiderChrist]

"So, SpiderChrist, is it the usual for you this year? Buying your Christmas presents from the off-licence on Christmas Eve?"

Cunt.

"You've got a laptop? That's not very anarchic, is it?"

Cunt.

"You really need to stop being so touchy."

Touch this, cunt.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

" touch this cunt "
Hopefully, these shall be amongst the very words of her with the Mindy mien tonight.
Just doing my bit to keep the parallel themes of this thread going.

[New Jack]

Jonstone from Charles Bukowski's Post Office?

Haha. A postal classic. Read that during the same job last Xmas (reading habits + daily life synchronisation!) Tell ye what, it isn't much different.

I posted in the Desolation thread last time, there was a cunt manager who, in the meeting to 'let us go' as there was nowt to do, quipped, and not for the first time: Well you should have told your friends and family to send more post!

I just bet he uses it again this year.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

" touch this cunt "
Also, Tag/ Cheeky Girls advised to " tone it down a bit " / Tag
Parallel themes! This is the way to go, Jerry, I'm telling ya !

[petril]

[tag]the positive things about working as a Gender Reassignment Surgeon[/tag]

[Sebastian Cobb]

Haha. A postal classic. Read that during the same job last Xmas (reading habits + daily life synchronisation!) Tell ye what, it isn't much different.

I posted in the Desolation thread last time, there was a cunt manager who, in the meeting to 'let us go' as there was nowt to do, quipped, and not for the first time: Well you should have told your friends and family to send more post!

I just bet he uses it again this year.

I'm not a massive fan of bukowski, but this quote from that book has stuck with me:

I always started a job with the feeling that I'd soon quit or be fired, and this gave me a relaxed manner that was mistaken for intelligence or some secret power.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Actually, she's got a touch of the Keira Knightleys about her. And we had a nice evening together after which I went home and wanked furiously over those images of Jodie Comer where she's wearing those short denim shorts in that episode of " Killing Eve ".

[New Jack]

Huh, one manager took me off one post job, sent me to the wrong area for contractors from a different company, so another manager takes me off, the original manager tries to put me back on

And they do the same thing ten minutes before I knock off. New Jack, walk up the other end of the building to see if Manager C needs help. No, says Manager C. Go back and see if the first manager needs help now. New Jack sneaks out the back door, reasoning nobody needs help!

Helped myself to a few cans of Zübr walking past a corner shop after I left though (well, I did pay. Sadly)

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Huh, one manager took me off one post job, sent me to the wrong area for contractors from a different company, so another manager takes me off, the original manager tries to put me back on

And they do the same thing ten minutes before I knock off. New Jack, walk up the other end of the building to see if Manager C needs help. No, says Manager C. Go back and see if the first manager needs help now. New Jack sneaks out the back door, reasoning nobody needs help!

Helped myself to a few cans of Zübr walking past a corner shop after I left though (well, I did pay. Sadly)

You' re better than this, man. Damnit, you * know* you are.

[New Jack]

You' re better than this, man. Damnit, you * know* you are.

Aye, I'm mostly doing it to eliminate the gap on my work record. Gets my Universal Credit restarted. And early next year I'm gonna go all out for something worthwhile again.

Plus the bonus: all those Daily Mail cunts saying the jobless are lazy. Well, I'm doing six day work weeks at night without a car. I walk three miles to get there, and home as well. And I can still talk shite for hours when I get home!

Now, I am going to drink cheap Polish lager! Now, that's too good for me!

[BlodwynPig]

Actually, she's got a touch of the Keira Knightleys about her. And we had a nice evening together after which I went home and wanked furiously over those images of Jodie Comer where she's wearing those short denim shorts in that episode of " Killing Eve ".

You' re better than this, man. Damnit, you * know* you are.

[Sebastian Cobb]

You' re better than this, man. Damnit, you * know* you are.

You' re better than this, man. Damnit, you * know* you are.

[Cloud]

My manager for one.

Last Friday -
MD: "Could do with Office on the new laptop I bought myself sometime before next Friday"

Monday morning 8:45am -
Manager: "Have you bought that Office license for MD yet?"
Me: "Well, not quite yet, just catching up on emails and..."
Manager: "Well you'd better get on and do it hadn't you!!!!  Take a PR over to Purchasing."
I've got 5 days??
Me: "[Purchasing girl] is off today, I'll get everything ready and she can sort it tomorrow, it's an online code these days so it'd only take an hour"
Manager: "Put it on the credit card and write on the PR that we've done it ourselves,  it could take 3 hours just to download it"
Me: "It's like 2GB and we have a 40mbit connection... ok whatever..."

Monday afternoon, get code, MD too busy to hand laptop over.

Tuesday morning, arrange to do it afternoon, all done

Wednesday  afternoon, email from Purchasing Girl: "Sorry I didn't see on the PR form that you'd already done it, and there's no refunds on digital software, we now have a spare Office license"

Yeah, cost of impatience  about £200.   Way  to go, IT  manager.

[Uncle TechTip]

But MD now thinks that IT manager is someone who gets things done so it's 200 quid well spent in their eyes.

[Satchmo Distel]

Down Under was an annoying record by this band.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

I'm wondering what the road sign would look like.

[Sebastian Cobb]

My manager for one.

Last Friday -
MD: "Could do with Office on the new laptop I bought myself sometime before next Friday"

Monday morning 8:45am -
Manager: "Have you bought that Office license for MD yet?"
Me: "Well, not quite yet, just catching up on emails and..."
Manager: "Well you'd better get on and do it hadn't you!!!!  Take a PR over to Purchasing."
I've got 5 days??
Me: "[Purchasing girl] is off today, I'll get everything ready and she can sort it tomorrow, it's an online code these days so it'd only take an hour"
Manager: "Put it on the credit card and write on the PR that we've done it ourselves,  it could take 3 hours just to download it"
Me: "It's like 2GB and we have a 40mbit connection... ok whatever..."

Monday afternoon, get code, MD too busy to hand laptop over.

Tuesday morning, arrange to do it afternoon, all done

Wednesday  afternoon, email from Purchasing Girl: "Sorry I didn't see on the PR form that you'd already done it, and there's no refunds on digital software, we now have a spare Office license"

Yeah, cost of impatience  about £200.   Way  to go, IT  manager.

I hate pricks like that manager. My main motivation for doing anything at work is to get things done before people start pestering me to do things, so if you start making that something as I see as an inevitability I loose any real urge to do anything.

Plus as Techtip said, it's even more galling when someone's making your life a misery out of real urgency, just to make themselves look better.

We've got a new team lead at the moment and he's alright really but he made me unreasonably annoyed* the other day when he started asking me how I was getting on with stuff on my dinner break, 5 minutes before we were about to go into a stand-up and explain exactly that.

*it was one of those ones where it annoyed me a bit more than it should, which made me feel like a prick, which annoyed me even more.

[MuteBanana]

Worked with a cunt who would fuck up, creating dangerous situations in the warehouse, and just walk away and not inform anyone. Then act innocent or laugh it off when he got called out on it.

And a big fat lazy cunt who had a big pot of salt on her desk that she'd put on everything. She used to cherry pick orders from the printer, picking out all the easy orders that are like one product per order. Then she'd ask someone to go and pick it all into a cage and wheel it up to her packing table. All while everyone else was having to get up, walk about, pack every order as it came. How none of the other packers didn't put an eletrical kettle over her head is a mystery.

[thenoise]

Actually, she's got a touch of the Keira Knightleys about her. And we had a nice evening together after which I went home and wanked furiously over those images of Jodie Comer where she's wearing those short denim shorts in that episode of " Killing Eve ".

Great! Don't forget to send her a nice text saying what a great time you had!

Next time you need to make a bit of a move though, nothing too scary a little kiss will do. Join in with the comtest 2018 if you want some extra motivation, a teenager's level of sexual frustration will help things move along nicely. Good luck!

[Mrs Wogans lemon drizzle]

My manager for one.

Last Friday -
MD: "Could do with Office on the new laptop I bought myself sometime before next Friday"

Monday morning 8:45am -
Manager: "Have you bought that Office license for MD yet?"
Me: "Well, not quite yet, just catching up on emails and..."
Manager: "Well you'd better get on and do it hadn't you!!!!  Take a PR over to Purchasing."
I've got 5 days??
Me: "[Purchasing girl] is off today, I'll get everything ready and she can sort it tomorrow, it's an online code these days so it'd only take an hour"
Manager: "Put it on the credit card and write on the PR that we've done it ourselves,  it could take 3 hours just to download it"
Me: "It's like 2GB and we have a 40mbit connection... ok whatever..."

Monday afternoon, get code, MD too busy to hand laptop over.

Tuesday morning, arrange to do it afternoon, all done

Wednesday  afternoon, email from Purchasing Girl: "Sorry I didn't see on the PR form that you'd already done it, and there's no refunds on digital software, we now have a spare Office license"

Yeah, cost of impatience  about £200.   Way  to go, IT  manager.

Years ago when i worked in IT Support I had a very similar manager to this.  My advice - specialise in some technology you like and get the fuck out of support working for ungrateful dick heads.

[dex]

Worked with a cunt who would fuck up, creating dangerous situations in the warehouse, and just walk away and not inform anyone. Then act innocent or laugh it off when he got called out on it.

<tag> Legend Gary titters to himself whilst stealing your lunch from the fridge </tag>

[Blue Jam]

For the third time in two days I've had someone interrupt me in the middle of doing a task which is obviously very delicate and requires my full concentration with no interruptions. Today someone wanted to make a bit of inane chit-chat while I was doing the above, and this time also handling a chemical which has "WARNING: FATAL IF INGESTED. FATAL IF IN CONTACT WITH SKIN. FATAL IF INHALED" on the bottle.

After this last incident I remembered I had a sleep aid app on my phone, which in addition to playing gentle sounds of rainfall and the sea also plays white noise. I spent most of this afternoon with headphones in listening to white noise to block out the sound of humans around me and to send out a message that says "LEAVE ME ALONE" even though I know the visual aspect doesn't work.

I'm the Cunt At Work though, not them. + 5,000 Miserable Git Points to me today.