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Your CV

Started by Noonling, November 26, 2018, 09:20:43 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Noonling


Work History

Post Assistant - BBW Services - February 2018 - November 2018

  • Key responsibilities included picking up paper, folding paper, putting paper into envelopes, sealing envelopes, and franking envelopes.
  • Other responsibilities included entering the building and exiting the building, as well as saying hello to colleagues on a weekly basis.
  • Developed my own workflow to maximise efficiency with regards to envelope filling.

Customer Service Agent - I Fucking Love Calendars Ltd - October 2017 - February 2018

  • Delivered excellent customer service by describing the breed, colour, fluffiness and pose of dogs on each dog calendar to old women without internet or without eyes.
  • Honed my prioritisation skills by forwarding all angry complaints to my manager so I wouldn't spend hours agonising over how to reply.
  • Worked as part of a team to bitch about the person not pulling their weight.
  • Didn't once get mixed up between the normal calendar phone line and the sexy calendar phone line.

Volunteer Assistant - British Arse Foundation - April 2017 - October 2017

  • Was solely responsible for the shop floor when the manager had her daily screaming match with her husband
  • Supervised an ex-con to ensure such a degenerate wouldn't steal a 50p game of Risk or any of Dan Brown's novels
  • Developed my sense of patience after many customers brought in a kilogram of change and counted it out at the till.
  • Stepped into my entrepreneurial talent by adding 50p to any transaction with someone who looked too old, too confused or too scared to question anything.

Other Skills

  • Can make a mean cocktail, even after several glasses of said cocktail.
  • Have never even considered applying to a reality show
  • Got a merit on Spit and Dribble Speech and Drama Grade 6 back when I was half a foot shorter than I am now.
  • Once painted a really good aubergine (copy available on request).

Glebe

Macaque Handler, 1984-present

greenman

Quote from: Glebe on November 26, 2018, 09:53:19 PM
Macaque Handler, 1984-present

Were you one of those who got into the business for the cancelled Apple Mac(aque) adverts?

Stoneage Dinosaurs

Name: Lloyd Wegger, Angrew
Sex: Yes please!!!
Employment history: Yes please!!!
Criminal convictions: Yes please!!!
Transferable skills: Stealing, leaving after 1 week

Noonling

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have an unusual memory - I still remember sending a letter to Count Christian von Wolfsberg on a dewy April morning in 2014.

I am available to start work immediately.

Noonling

While working in a busy finance firm I learnt to maximise my time spent away from the desk and increased the number of blocked toilets by 120%.

Sorry Monkeys

!994 Orthopaedic Admission Officer, Bolton General
Duties included- answering calls, making appointments, liaising with surgeons. This job was a revelation to me, as it was when I first realised I had a crippling phobia of answering the telephone. Given that that was the main part of my job description, my subsequent firing seems all too inevitable. Also received complaints about my personal hygiene.

1996- Assistant Manager, Butterwick Hospice charity shop
Duties included- being insulted by volunteer staff, taking abuse from customers, pricing, hoovering, controlling the radio dial. Frankly, it was a mess.

!997 Kitchen Porter, Bella Spaghetti
At last a job I excelled in. Duties include washing plates, washing cups, washing knives, washing forks, washing pots, washing spoons. Washing pans, washing peas and washing fish. I was good at all of these and had executive control of the dishwasher. No complaints about my personal hygiene, not this time, no sir! Banged one of the waitresses, so there's a feather in my cap.

1999 onwards- unemployable mentally ill alcoholic. I have a Hygeine certificate and work well as prat of a team. I was made to do this CV by Mike at the job centre. Hi Mike!

Pingers

Early career

Toff

Duties: accepting that which was handed to me on a plate, as if it were my birthright.

I was very good at this, as it was in fact my birthright, since I was literally 'to the manor born'. Got to sexually abuse some black servants as well, which was a bonus

Political career

Chancellor of the Exchequer

Also my birthright

Duties: Taking money from disabled people and giving it to my friends. Raping the poor (figuratively and... well, let's stick with figuratively). I resigned after my manager called some ghastly plebiscite, totally not my fault.

Present career

Newspaper Editor

Bit of a turnup but apparently this is also my birthright

Duties: Still not entirely sure but it all seems to be going swimmingly

Anyway, you will give me this job because that's just how these things work.

Cuellar

CV

I am a commercial vehicle

Gregory Torso

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY

2005 - sweaty wig wearing porcupine faced looking twat

Senior position, Allied Carpets (since bombed)

2010-2011 - Aldi Milk Golem

Duties included standing, glowering, curdling in a corner of Aldi
Removing vermin
Avenging spillages

2016 - Senior Glasser, Harry Lambert's pub

Worked with clients regarding observation of female companions
Dealt with enquiries about spillages of liquids
GNVQ in carpark rumbling