The Dad's Army 50th Anniversary thread - ON GOLD!

[Glebe]

Dad's Army at 50 on that Gold, introduced by your host and mine, Alexander Armstrong!



ALEXANDER ARMSTRONG: Good evening everybody, and welcome to the first episode of this special mini-series, in which we'll be helping celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of The Beatles' 'White Album' by celebrating the fiftieth anniversary of sitcom classic The Dad's Army - and oh boy, what a show we got for you t'night! By the way, I was gonna be joined this evening by a co-host, but only Ben Miller and Richard Osman were available, so I said NO!

DRUMS: *BADUM-TISH!*

ARMSTRONG: But seriously folks, Dad Army is a veritable institution here in jolly old Britain, with viewing figures higher than anything I evah done!

DRUMS: *TISH*

HEADSTRONG: I gotta tell ya, this was one hot property, with the writing talents of Fred Perry and Marty Krofft brought to life by a sensational cast, and a memorable old timey theme tune performed by Arthur Atkinson and The Coldstream Guards! (to studio crew) Ahem, say fellas, this is one tough audience, can y'help me out here?!

STUDIO CREW: AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

ALEX: So anyway, keep watchin' for more episodes celebrating the Daddy's Armies - only on Gold!

STAY TUNED!



The original classic cast as I remember them!

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

Dad's Macaqarmy

Something innit. Sorry mate.

I liked your post though.

[Glebe]

Dad's Macaqarmy

Something innit. Sorry mate.

I liked your post though.

I'll have to do a macaquesarmy photothing if I geta chance!

[Glebe]

ALEXANDER ARMSTRONG: Hey welcome back folks for another helping of 50th anni stuff! Say, we got a great show for you tonight, as we look at a rare outtake that got deleted!

INT.LOCAL HALL.EVENING

TAKE #1:

GERMAN CAPTAIN CAPTIVE: Vot iz yoor naam?!

MAINSWEARING: Don't tell him, Spike! Oh fuck me, sorry, I was thinking of Spike Milligan!

DIRECTOR: Never mind, Arthur ducky... TAKE TWO!

TAKE #2:

GERMAN CAPTAIN CAPTIVE: Vot iz yoor naam?!

MANWEARING: Don't tell him, Ike! Shit, sorry, I was thinking of former US President Dwight D. Eisenhower!

FLOOR MANAGER: Nevermind, Mr. Lowe... okay, set up shot again... lights, please...

TAKE #3:

GERMAN CAPTAIN CAPTIVE: Vot iz yoor naam?!

MOWMEARING: Don't tell him, Mike! Ah shite fuck I was thinking about EastEnders' Frank Butcher, Mike Reid!

BILL COTTON: EastEnders hasn't been invented yet Arthur, but in any case...

TAKE #4:

GERMAN CAPTAIN CAPTIVE: Vot iz yoor naam?!

MEINWORMING: Don't tell him, pike! Ah shit, as the lower-case 'p' would suggest, I was thinking of the fish pike!

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: You're fired.

[Glebe]

ALEXANDER ARMSTRONG: Hi, Armstrong here again, with yet another rare deleted clip! So without further ado... roll VT!

INT.HALL.DAY

CAPTAIN MAINS: Everybody here? Right then...

SGT. WILSON: Oh, Walker's not here sir.

CAP MAIN: What?! You lot, where's Private Walker?

PRIVATE WALKER: Do they mean me? They surely do!

CAP-WEARING: It's Private Walker, everyone!

CORPORAL JONES: Permission to speak, sir!

CAP MAN: What is it, Jones?

JONESY: I've run out of sausages for me butchers shop and I don't know what to do!

PRIVATE WALKER: May I be of any assistance?

CAPTAIN MW: Private Walker, are you free?

PRIVY WALKER: I'm freeee!!

CAP: Well go and see if you can spiv up a few sossies for Jones!

WALKER: Will do! Cos I'm a geezer, I'm a little bit 'wuh', a little bit 'waaaay!'

[Glebe]

ALEX ARMS: Hey folks, Alexa back here with yet another classic! And this time, we have a very special piece of footage rescued from the otherwise-wiped and never-before-seen legendary 'last episode', 'A Farewell to Alms'. And here it is!

EXT.THETFORD.DAY

CAPTAIN WARMING: I'm afraid there will be no training today, as the series has run its course.

SCOTS ONE: We're doomed! Doomed!

WILSON: Roll credits.

Classic theme!

[Glebe]

ALEXANDRA HEADSTRONG: Pointless host back again, with yet another unforeseen sketch-clip!

INT.BBC STUDIO.DAY.

CORPORAL JONES: Don't panic! Don't panic! It's the fuzzy-wuzzies!

CAPTAIN MANWERICA: Don't be ridiculous Jones, it's just The Black and White Minstrel Show cast rehearsing! We'll tell them to push along!

WILSON: Do you think that's wise, sir?

CAP MAN: Of course, Wilson. Let's boot them out, they can find another studio!

JONES: They don't like it up 'em, sir!

PRIVATE PIKE: That's not what I heard! You know what they say about them dancing, prancing nancies!

CAP-WEARING: You're fairly effete yourself. You stupid boy.

FRAZER: Crivens! Och ma boab etc. it's ARP Pertwee or wha'ever he's called!

ARP PERTWEE: Oi, Mainwaring! You can't use this studio, the Minstrels are rehearsing!

CAPTAIN CAVEWEARING: No fear! Those non-PC, mincing tossers can hop it!

PRIVATE GODFREY: May I be excused, sir? This really is a load of shit.

BLACK AND WHITE MINSTREL (singing): Swanee Ribah!

[DangledTeeth]

Alexander Armstrong: One of me, one of you - I call that Dad's Army 50th Anniversary o'clock!

Int. Town Hall or Wherever

Captain Man-uh-ring: At precisely 1800 hours we shall defend the perimeter of the church.

John's The Measurerer: I'm your assistant, or whatever the correct rank and term is.

Scottish Bloke: Wur duuoooomed!

Jones: Apparently, I'm younger than I look.

Pike: Whistle while wearing a hat. Hitler is a twat.

Nazi Scum: Vot iz yor nem?

Captain Manuhahwuhring: Refrain from saying your name, Ian Lavender.

Music: ROON-DOON. ROON-DOON. BRR-R-R-R-R-R-R-ROON-DOON. PAA-PARPY-PARP etc.

Me: I clearly haven't watched much of this programme. Perhaps I ought to catch some classic episodes on GOLD in order to become familiar with the characters and set-pieces.

GOLD Announcer: And up next is more OFAH Xmas specials which were repeated yesterday and the day before.

[Gregory Torso]

THEME TUNE: Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, etc.

It is DURIN DA WOAR and the Dad Army are standing in a field near a tree looking knackered.


CAPT MANRIN: It was a lovely morning, and Mr Tickle was asleep in his house -

WILSON: No, no... we're at war, Arthur. It's the war.

MANRIN: Oh. Right. Yes. The war. So, men: we are going to walk across this field for a bit, and then back again, and then shake our fists at the Germans, and then perhaps some tea and crumpets. Sound good?

PIKE: Manrin-misser-manrin-manrin-SIR!

MANRIN: Yes, what is it?

PIKE: How long should I shake my fist, mister man, iss just that mummy always says your hands will fall off you touch yourself under the covers.

MANRIN: Oh you stupid bollock, for as long as it takes! Until the Germans surrender.

WILSON: Sir, I think the men are getting a bit restless.

JONES: KILL THE FUZZY WUZZIES

MANRIN: Could you calm the fuck down, please?

SPIV: I'm a chimney sweep, so I am's, and I don't mind fucking the women!

DOBBIN: I'm old and I don't know what's going on.

JONES: DON'T PANIC YOU MAD OLD PRICKS

FRAZER: We're doomed, Niles.

WILSON: I say, chaps, let's keep it down a bit. Less of the ribald language, and the wanking gestures, thank you. Jones, I'm going to put you in charge and I want you to lead the men around this tree, shake your fists, have a smoke, rattle your empty guns and then go over there. Can you handle that?

JONES: I WILL BAYONET EVERY CUNT

MANRIN: Oh this is ridiculous, I'm going home for a large whiskey and an argument with my pretend wife.

WILSON: Heil Hitler to that, my man.