Author Topic: Your Unlikeliest Celebrity Killings  (Read 325 times)

Your Unlikeliest Celebrity Killings
« on: December 04, 2018, 08:34:06 AM »
I accidentally killed the actress Jill Bennet, whilst working as a student in McDonald's , in Hull.

In she waltzed into McDonald's, as radiant as you like, and flushed from her succesful role of Actress Playing A Part in the recently released film "The Sky, It Does Shelter ", marched right up to the counter  behind which I was standing, and said of me " One of your tasty wallpaper paste-consistent Strawberry milkshakes, please...(at this stage, she was squinting at my badge )....Lisa ". Unfortunately, this being East Germany Hull, I was suffering from chapped ears and partial deafness due to high wind blowing quotient, and thought she'd actually said " A brimming cupful of Quinalbarbitone, Bub, and make it snappy ". I thought it was a strange request to make, and Quinalbarbitone was quite tricky to track down in the mean kitchens of a McDonald's in Hull, but I did, indeed, comply with her odd-sounding request. I had been all trained up as a McDonald's employee scant weeks ago, and knew it would be against company policy to ask 'What the fuck do you want to drink that stuff for, Missus ?". Alas, upon partaking of that beverage, she expired. I was docked half a star by the McD. Corporation for my folly. I later recieved a telegram (this was before emails and texts, and what have you ) from the playwright  John Osbourne which read "Yeah, Cheers, Nice One, Pal.", and a seperate telegram from the actress Rachel Roberts , which read "You stupid fucking cunt. If I wasn't dead meself, I'd be coming over to Hull to give you a right good kicking, and no mistake. "
To this day, I regret working in McDonald's as a student. Especially as an eccentric rich relative had recently died and left me three quarters of a billion pounds and two seperate Hornby train sets in their will, so, when you think about it, I didnae really need to be working in McDonald's at all.

There was also the time I bludgeoned Brenda Blethyn to death with a golf club, but that's a tale for another time.

What were *your* unlikely celebrity killings, then ?

Cuellar

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Re: Your Unlikeliest Celebrity Killings
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2018, 08:38:48 AM »
Jodie Comer.

Sorry, no choice mate :(

biggytitbo

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Re: Your Unlikeliest Celebrity Killings
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2018, 08:57:54 AM »
I'm afraid Brenda survived Lisa.

SteveDave

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Re: Your Unlikeliest Celebrity Killings
« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2018, 10:16:46 AM »
<Danny Baker bursts into the thread to claim he tackled Bob Marley to death>

Re: Your Unlikeliest Celebrity Killings
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2018, 12:43:25 PM »
One of Blazin’ Squad got into some slug pellets I put down. Thought they were sweets.


Lemming

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Re: Your Unlikeliest Celebrity Killings
« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2018, 02:09:41 PM »
Killed Fearne Cotton a couple years ago. Very embarrassing! Met her at the White Rose Shopping Centre, and saw a crowd of people gathered around her, and went over to have a look. She was chatting with the crowd, very funny and personable, and I went over to get an autograph but accidentally shoved her over the edge of an escalator, sending her plummeting to her death. Cringe! Luckily she was pretty cool about it.

Also killed Michael Dorn a while back. Saw him leaving a convention and rushed over to tell him what a huge fan I was and how much Worf meant to me, and he was ecstatic. If anything, he was more nervous than I was! Anyway, he gave me a signed picture for free and was just regaling me with an anecdote from the set of TNG when I accidentally stood on his foot, causing him to trip face-first into traffic on the motorway. Dead in an instant, didn't feel a thing. Pretty awkward, haha.

I also killed Eamonn Holmes, but that wasn't an accident. He crossed me one too many times.

Space ghost

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Re: Your Unlikeliest Celebrity Killings
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2018, 02:12:55 PM »
I encountered Dexter Fletcher on a deserted beach while I was on lsd. Murdered him, destroyed his body parts and painted myself in his blood. Then spent two hours looking at a partially buried shell.

Nowhere Man

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Re: Your Unlikeliest Celebrity Killings
« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2018, 02:21:44 PM »
I killed Piers Morgan

Re: Your Unlikeliest Celebrity Killings
« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2018, 02:46:16 PM »
I nearly electrocuted John Linnell from They Might Giants but wasn't successful

Small Man Big Horse

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Re: Your Unlikeliest Celebrity Killings
« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2018, 03:10:19 PM »
I stood on the bee from Bee Movie the other day. He was all like "Hey, what's the deal with airline food?" and then my foot crushed his petty body. I don't regret a thing, and it won't be the last famous bee I kill either.