Annual Office Christmas Party Thread

[Icehaven]

I'm not employed by them but the company that runs the place I work in is giving £15 per head to it's actual employees to spend on an Xmas do, but the list of rules, exceptions, caveats etc. is cheerfully precise and basically boils down to £15 per person which must be spent on food NOT drinks, and is claimed by your department submitting ONE receipt, so you can't just have your £15 to do with as you wish, nor can different groups of people go for different meals at different times, you vill haf one communal repast mit all your colleagues or nothink at all! Falalalala, lalalala.

But that's still better than I'm getting as a public sector employee, which actually is nothink at all.

[Cuellar]

Got mine next Friday. Only been in the job a few months, don't really know anyone/like anyone there. In fact currently not at work because I can't fucking face it. Luckily a friends Christmas meal has been arranged for that evening, so I'll have an excuse to dip out at circa 3pm as I'll need to get to London by 6.

Means I'll probably turn up to the dinner utterly arseholed.

[biggytitbo]

I'll go for the team lunch as it means I get to fuck off around midday, I don't actively dislike my colleagues, and will go drinking afterwards, but will probably leave around teatime before I get proper smashed.

I'd rather shit in my hands then clap than go to a cross-department one.

Exactly, it won't be much fun if they're all cross.

[Cuntbeaks]

£50 a head, this year it's Topolabamba. Half the £50 has to be spent on scran, HAS TO BE.

Will probably end up with The Meat Sweats and an early train home.

[MiddleRabbit]

Didn't go to ours, although there was a mild hoo-hah about it.

It was the English department's Christmas night out and, as you'd expect, the department primarily comprises teachers.  There are also four teaching assistants who are attached to the department, none of whom were invited.  A substantial proportion of the teaching staff are former TAs (4 out of 9) and I can't help but wonder if those four aren't somewhat impressed with themselves regarding their, er, superiority in the department.

My favourite person of the whole lot is a TA called Carol (whose son killed himself about this time last year).  Carol is lovely.  Carol is also retiring at Christmas and was very upset not to be asked and wrote an email to the whole department expressing her disappointment at being excluded, especially as she's been there the longest out of everybody.

Now nobody will even look (Cut out of Christmas) Carol in the eye so she comes and has her dinner in my classroom with me.  Today I asked her if she'd be prepared to go and have a leaving/Christmas dinner with me and the poor cow cried because some cunt had finally said something nice to her.

I hate my department and not just because their command of English is a fucking disgrace.

Edited due to Muphry's Law.

[The Culture Bunker]

Mine is next Friday. Thankfully, I booked my leave well in advance, so I will be safely hiding up in West Cumbria instead of watching some of the loudmouths from the office drink too much and start calling out those they cannot stand for being "a shower of tossers" or such.

[Cuellar]

Didn't go to ours, although there was a mild hoo-hah about it.

It was the English department's Christmas night out and, as you'd expect, the department primarily comprises teachers.  There are also four teaching assistants who are attached to the department, none of whom were invited.  A substantial proportion of the teaching staff are former TAs (4 out of 9) and I can't help but wonder if those four aren't somewhat impressed with themselves regarding their, er, superiority in the department.

My favourite person of the whole lot is a TA called Carol (whose son killed himself about this time last year).  Carol is lovely.  Carol is also retiring at Christmas and was very upset not to be asked and wrote an email to the whole department expressing her disappointment at being excluded, especially as she's been there the longest out of everybody.

Now nobody will even look (Cut out of Christmas) Carol in the eye so she comes and has her dinner in my classroom with me.  Today I asked her if she'd be prepared to go and have a leaving/Christmas dinner with me and the poor cow cried because some cunt had finally said something nice to her.

I hate my department and not just because their command of English is a fucking disgrace.

Edited due to Muphry's Law.

Jesus.

[QDRPHNC]

Got mine coming up this Saturday. They've rented out some big room in the Bell Lightbox (amazing movie theatre that was built specifically for TIFF) and it's open bar. Cracking.

Between this and the other Christmas thread, I feel like CaB's inverse Scrooge today. Sorry for not joining in the bleak bants properly.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Between cunt kids, their parents, Ofsted and other teachers, I honestly reckon I'd rather work in a slaughterhouse than a school.

[Vodka Margarine]

It's this Friday evening and I've been dreading the enforced fun and hollow camaraderie for weeks. Luckily I'll be ducking out early to go and see my dearest doing lovely festive singing.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Between cunt kids, their parents, Ofsted and other teachers, I honestly reckon I'd rather work in a slaughterhouse than a school.

School teaching should be the same as my TEFL job where I just sit in front of a screen talking to the kids, it means I don't have to deal with them face to face, or their parents or other teachers, and it even has a mute button so if a child is being annoying I can shut them up instantly. I'm sure putting an ipad on top of a stick wouldn't cost much and everyone involved would be much happier.

[MiddleRabbit]

School teaching should be the same as my TEFL job where I just sit in front of a screen talking to the kids, it means I don't have to deal with them face to face, or their parents or other teachers, and it even has a mute button so if a child is being annoying I can shut them up instantly. I'm sure putting an ipad on top of a stick wouldn't cost much and everyone involved would be much happier.

Our school used to give out iPads when they arrived in Year 7.  All that happened was they'd play games on them.  Well, that and they were supposed to pay for them over five years.  The net result was, of course, that the kids didn't pay for them and the school attempted to 'encourage' them to cough up by withholding their GCSE results which is, of course, illegal.

After that they stopped giving iPads out.

[Squink]

Ours was last night. Monday night, fucksakes. Korean Place. Soju drunk in quantity. Beyond destroyed today. It's a miracle I can type this. You're welcome.

[BritishHobo]

I have only ever been to Christmas nights out with a group of four or five people from work, usually 'cos I've worked in places with a small team, or because most people haven't bothered going. Agreed to go this year and it turns out thirty other fuckers have too. Thirty people? That is too many people to have in one place.

[Sebastian Cobb]

^ enough people that you can slip off unnoticed when you've had enough though.

In a moment of stupidity I agreed to do secret santa this year and instantly regretted it as I pulled our new md's name out of a hat, oh and because I left the slip lying around the organiser thought they'd ballsed it up and they were a spare before working out it was mine, so it's not anonymous. If it was someone that I simply didn't know well enough to get a gift I'd have probably just bought them scratchcards for the 'short of not bothering at all, there was no less effort I could've put into this' factor, but doing that to a new person seems a bit mean.

I've bought them a selection of tea bags that come in a tin.

[a duncandisorderly]

I missed ours because I was working, but it was at the natural history museum. I kept asking people if they'd seen ben stiller or tom hanks but they didn't get it.

I gathered later that they'd booked the venue for a far swankier occasion than the staff christ-mas do... a channel launch or summat- but this had been put back 'til the new year & they couldn't get out of the booking.

but some of the Mtv parties... fucking hell.

[mothman]

This Thursday. Going someplace quite nice apparently - it fucking better be, £30 for 3 courses - but I keep forgetting the name. The team is much larger (and younger) than it was in previous years so no idea what it'll be like.

[Blue Jam]

In a moment of stupidity I agreed to do secret santa this year

I got roped into doing ours at the last minute. Got some daft little game for someone I didn't know, and someone got me a giant candy cane. I have no idea what to do with the fucker. Obviously I can't eat what is essentially half a kilo of sugar, and nobody actually likes peppermint rock anyway. I can't make any recipes with it. Giving it to a foodbank would feel a bit wrong, and before anyone makes the obvious suggestion, the shape is too awkward for that.  Any ideas?

[a duncandisorderly]

It was the English department's Christmas night out and, as you'd expect, the department primarily comprises teachers.  There are also four teaching assistants who are attached to the department, none of whom were invited.  A substantial proportion of the teaching staff are former TAs (4 out of 9) and I can't help but wonder if those four aren't somewhat impressed with themselves regarding their, er, superiority in the department.

My favourite person of the whole lot is a TA called Carol (whose son killed himself about this time last year).  Carol is lovely.  Carol is also retiring at Christmas and was very upset not to be asked and wrote an email to the whole department expressing her disappointment at being excluded, especially as she's been there the longest out of everybody.

what an absolute pack of bastards. an unutterable shower of shite. I hope you're planning some sort of discreet & nasty revenge.

[shiftwork2]

Didn't go to ours, although there was a mild hoo-hah about it.

I'd just like to add my name to the ever-growing list of people who think you work with a bunch of fucking pricks.  I'd consider leaving on the basis of your post.  Alright cheers

[Sebastian Cobb]

I got roped into doing ours at the last minute. Got some daft little game for someone I didn't know, and someone got me a giant candy cane. I have no idea what to do with the fucker. Obviously I can't eat what is essentially half a kilo of sugar, and nobody actually likes peppermint rock anyway. I can't make any recipes with it. Giving it to a foodbank would feel a bit wrong, and before anyone makes the obvious suggestion, the shape is too awkward for that.  Any ideas?

Palm it off on some other fucker.

[pancreas]

+1 on rabbit solidarity

[Cloud]

Didn't go to ours, although there was a mild hoo-hah about it.

It was the English department's Christmas night out and, as you'd expect, the department primarily comprises teachers.  There are also four teaching assistants who are attached to the department, none of whom were invited.  A substantial proportion of the teaching staff are former TAs (4 out of 9) and I can't help but wonder if those four aren't somewhat impressed with themselves regarding their, er, superiority in the department.

My favourite person of the whole lot is a TA called Carol (whose son killed himself about this time last year).  Carol is lovely.  Carol is also retiring at Christmas and was very upset not to be asked and wrote an email to the whole department expressing her disappointment at being excluded, especially as she's been there the longest out of everybody.

Now nobody will even look (Cut out of Christmas) Carol in the eye so she comes and has her dinner in my classroom with me.  Today I asked her if she'd be prepared to go and have a leaving/Christmas dinner with me and the poor cow cried because some cunt had finally said something nice to her.

I hate my department and not just because their command of English is a fucking disgrace.

Edited due to Muphry's Law.

Fucking hell.

I hope you both have a brilliant Christmas, TBH.  Or as best possible, under the circumstances

[Icehaven]

I did a 6 month secondment in a music library about 10ish years ago, and I was there 2 days a week as was someone else from another library, ostensibly to help out on the counter and do donkey work while the permanent staff caught up with some cataloguing backlog or something. It quickly became apparent that of the 10 or so regular staff there were 2 very distinct groups that had little time for each other and several weren't even on speaking terms, however only being there 2 days a week for a few months and not giving a monkeys about their infighting me and the other temporary person weren't aligned with either and just got on alright with everyone. Sure enough, come Christmas we were discreetly pulled aside by both sides and told about the Christmas do they were organising but told not to tell anyone from the other group. I dearly wanted to help organise it so they both ended up in the same place at the same time but eventually couldn't be bothered and didn't go to either suspecting the conversation at both would largely comprise bitching about the 'others'. Bloody grown adults.

[Pingers]

Didn't go to ours, although there was a mild hoo-hah about it.

It was the English department's Christmas night out and, as you'd expect, the department primarily comprises teachers.  There are also four teaching assistants who are attached to the department, none of whom were invited.  A substantial proportion of the teaching staff are former TAs (4 out of 9) and I can't help but wonder if those four aren't somewhat impressed with themselves regarding their, er, superiority in the department.

My favourite person of the whole lot is a TA called Carol (whose son killed himself about this time last year).  Carol is lovely.  Carol is also retiring at Christmas and was very upset not to be asked and wrote an email to the whole department expressing her disappointment at being excluded, especially as she's been there the longest out of everybody.

Now nobody will even look (Cut out of Christmas) Carol in the eye so she comes and has her dinner in my classroom with me.  Today I asked her if she'd be prepared to go and have a leaving/Christmas dinner with me and the poor cow cried because some cunt had finally said something nice to her.

I hate my department and not just because their command of English is a fucking disgrace.

Edited due to Muphry's Law.

Set of cunts. I was going to say 'good on you' for showing some humanity, then remembered it should be a given. What fucking world are we living in? But anyway, good on you.

[Blinder Data]

Accidentally avoiding some wider division fun times and it looks like smaller team do won't happen.

A bit disappointed, honestly.

[Blue Jam]

Palm it off on some other fucker.

I tried that and no other fucker wants it. Might just put it in the cupboard and save it for next year's Secret Santa, save myself a fiver like a proper Scrooge. Or maybe I should just buy someone a giant humbug.

[bgmnts]

what an absolute pack of bastards. an unutterable shower of shite. I hope you're planning some sort of discreet & nasty revenge.

Me too.

Michael Winner could direct.

[MiddleRabbit]

I can barely stand it.  I'm leaving the instant something half decent turns up.

Thank you for the solidarity, it's most appreciated.  My solidarity with Carol has resulted in a further closing of the ranks, which I couldn't be happier about, but it's still a bit lonely and the support in some Internet forum is, tragically, providing me with some genuine help.

Thank you all very much. 

[Icehaven]

Thank you for the solidarity, it's most appreciated.  My solidarity with Carol has resulted in a further closing of the ranks, which I couldn't be happier about, but it's still a bit lonely and the support in some Internet forum is, tragically, providing me with some genuine help.

Don't feel tragic, I think there's a fuckload of people on here (myself included) who would say this place has helped during shitty times as much as and quite possibly more than IRL support (if there even was any).