Always choosing the WRONG checkout in the shops.

[Flatulent Fox]

I need some tips on how to select the fastest and least annoying til -  what to look out for and what to avoid.

This is a serious business,reinforced today in a potentially explosive experience.
I don't know how,but my judgement when deciding on which til to use is getting worse.Today I spotted an empty conveyor belt and emptied my basket upside down ( As is the my style) and started packing on the other end.
Great,you might think.But wrong!
This cashier was a trainee and started panicking straight away,and then the worst happened...

Cocking her head and sizing me up ,I was asked for ID because I was buying Vodka AND Rum!
I'm 37 and was so shocked,that was all I could say instead of just showing ID.
Luckily some guy (who also works there) came along and told her to effectively shut up so I got my booze.
But it has left a sour taste to this Bacardi Ginger.

And it is NOT a complement to be ID'd.Its bloody rude and offensive and inconsiderate.

Recent shit includes:
                                - A suspiciously short queue with one old lady in front who spoke only Portuguese and wanted to pay with Portuguese money.That took 15 mins to sort out
                                - Self pay where the machine didn't like weights.Fat bloke with hat was behind me for human til and left 5 mins before me.Sad times.
                                - Foreign woman who decided to walk off and get more bags because some Dickhead wanted 'fancy bags' for his shopping ( that was almost a riot)
and it's to the credit of the good people of Stockwell also in the queue who joined in abusing this troublemaker.
                                - Halloween fancy dress staff.Count Dickula spending ages checking a £50 note.

I might start asking cashiers which is the best til from now on.

[MuteBanana]

Baskets. Single shoppers. No weirdos or oldies.

[kalowski]

Yeah, and it will be really bad, cause if we join one queue, then one of the others is bound to start moving really quickly. And if we join the one that was moving really quickly, then the one we were in the first place will start moving really quickly. And anyway, whichever queue we're in, the guy in front of us is bound to be from the penny arcade across the road, cashing up the whole year with millions of pennies.

[H-O-W-L]

And it is NOT a complement to be ID'd.Its bloody rude and offensive and inconsiderate.

Consider that maybe the poor fucker on the till WILL be sent to Hades by the company if they fuck up, and that companies REGULARLY do test purchases with actors/company stand-ins to see if they're checking ID policies, and absolutely all of the training and the law say that if you have any doubt whatsoever you must ask, and then try not being such an inconsiderate twunt yourself.

[Paul Calf]

I know! What is that all about?

[im barry bethel]

Rule of thumb...the older the cashier the quicker they are

[BlodwynPig]

Rule of thumb...the older the cashier the quicker they are

Except the natterers

[JesusAndYourBush]

It's better (faster) to join the queue behind 5 people with baskets with a small amount each, than one person with a trolley full of stuff.

If you see someone in the queue who appears to have no shopping they're probably returning something - avoid like the plague as the whole process takes fucking ages.

[kalowski]

You alright packing, my love?

[Bence Fekete]

It's better (faster) to join the queue behind 5 people with baskets with a small amount each, than one person with a trolley full of stuff.

Not necessarily.  In Aldi I value the 'what kind of customer' variable over the number of upcoming transactions.  Given that till-staff processing speed is uniform and lightning quick but frequently derailed by the black swan, unforseeable sluggish human factor, I'll take two huge trolleys in the solo bloke <50 yrs old bracket over the three grannies and two mums with kids 5 basket wild-card.

[MuteBanana]

You alright packing, my love?

Lad.

[Twit 2]

Shop at night.
Use the self service.
Problem solved.

[Pingers]

Look for the most socially awkward cashiers. Less eye contact means less likelihood of chit chat, ideally you want a head-down, nil eye contact lad who looks like he is permanently hooked up to his gaming console (to which he has excessive brand loyalty) at home. He wants you in and out in no time.

Corner shops. They're for chatting, aren't they? Not supermarkets. Although try telling that to Pat at the Co-op.

[kngen]

If you've got half a dozen things or less, you can chance your arm at the fag counter/customer services bit. But only if it's free, otherwise you get stuck behind someone buying 20,000 lottery tickets for their work syndicate or someone trying to return ropey meat that was bought in the discounted section two weeks ago.

[Replies From View]

Lad.

No it's definitely a lady in that photo.

[Sebastian Cobb]

But look, all pathetic single men, all cash, no chitchat.

[MuteBanana]

Shop at night.
Use the self service.
Problem solved.

When all the fresh bread is stale and the veg is withered and pathetic. Nope.

Last week I got it wrong. Went to the express checkout. A middle aged husband and wife were being served. 3/4 of the way through a a small trolley. Behind them an old lady with a bottle of gin, a ready meal and a couple of deli items. Place was packed and this was by far the best option. Done it again you shopping genius. But then the wife of the couple pulled out a load of voucher thingys. I don't even know what they are but they required the old lady cashier to check the numbers. Then something goes wrong and she needs to call for assistance. More delays. A family pull up behind me and start loading up the belt with a ridiculous amount of scotch pancakes. Trapped. It took so long to get all of the couple's issues sorted that the cashier apologised to the gin lady and to me. Thats how bad it was.

[MiddleRabbit]

I don't often entertain sexist thoughts although I find that whilst waiting behind women in supermarket queues I wonder if they'll ever be a person who remembers that, once everything's been scanned through and packed, they'll actually have to pay for their stuff and not act like it's never occurred to them.  In itself, that doesn't bother me, apart from the only people who ever tell me at they can multitask are women.

That's the point at which my brain starts churning out hypothetical conversations with itself relating to how women are always telling me how they can do umpteen things at once and men are all idiots who can only think about one thing at a time. 

Why does that myth persist?  You only need to stand in a supermarket queue for two minutes to debunk that one beyond all reasonable doubt.

Lonely, single men in supermarkets?  That's the queue you join.

Oh, and what about those people who get halfway through their shopping being scanned and decide they've not finished shopping and fuck off back around the aisles, leaving the till operator sitting there looking embarrassed.

It's not fucking hard, is it?  Gather your shopping then take it to the till when you've finished.

[Flatulent Fox]

Consider that maybe the poor fucker on the till WILL be sent to Hades by the company if they fuck up, and that companies REGULARLY do test purchases with actors/company stand-ins to see if they're checking ID policies, and absolutely all of the training and the law say that if you have any doubt whatsoever you must ask, and then try not being such an inconsiderate twunt yourself.

I'll avoid your till.

[Camp Tramp]

I get annoyed when the cashier tells me how to use contactless.

If only because I have been into that shop for many years now and she has told me the same thing for over two years.

Also with the age verification thing, I have greying hair and a half grey beard, there should be no doubt I'm over 21. Checking when in doubt I have no problem with, sometimes though people are just incapable of using common sense.

[oooft]

And it is NOT a complement to be ID'd.Its bloody rude and offensive and inconsiderate.

I agree, happened to me in a bar in Colorado America aged 30. This coming from a country which in some states still allows adults to get married to children - I found fucking ridiculous.

As for the supermarket tip - clock the cashiers as soon as you walk in the door and make your mind up which one seems to know their stuff and stick to that when you reach the tills. Never change queues - you jinx yourself.

[mojo filters]

Also with the age verification thing, I have greying hair and a half grey beard, there should be no doubt I'm over 21. Checking when in doubt I have no problem with, sometimes though people are just incapable of using common sense.

When I've occasionally been asked for ID (during my 30s and possibly even into the 40s) I've managed the situation satisfactorily by merely looking incredibly annoyed, tutting and lifting my hat - eliminating all doubt and avoiding the need to exchange any further words!

Fortunately each time I've been in need of a haircut, hence cannot be mistaken for one of those people who appropriate the culture of the bald community via choosing our mandatory hairstyle.

I do get annoyed at people who when I recount such stories, suggest I should have taken it as a compliment - because who doesn't enjoy having to expose their shameful pate in public, just to aquire the means of drowning those sorrows?

[Icehaven]

I've been told that once a cashier has asked for ID they have to refuse you if you don't have any, even if you are clearly old enough. I've had both happen to me though when ID less, refused the sale and suddenly decided I'm old enough so god knows.

[mojo filters]

I've been told that once a cashier has asked for ID they have to refuse you if you don't have any even if you are clearly old enough.

In what context though - law of the land, local licencing statute, individual retailer policy, etc? It makes quite a difference!

I suspect if it was legally mandated at a national level, folks would be more familiar with such a strict regulation. I'm not sure that local authorities involved in licencing are actually empowered to invoke such a specific requirement, though that's merely a guess.

I could see certain individual retailers having company-wide policies to such effect, and that potentially explains both intra-company deviations in compliance alongside lack of any actual legal standard consistent across all retailers.

[gib]

I'm not sure that local authorities involved in licencing are actually empowered to invoke such a specific requirement, though that's merely a guess.

That's right, they're just guidlelines.

[Icehaven]

A few times I've been ID'd and even when the cashier has accepted I'm clearly old enough they've maintained they have to refuse the sale because "once you've asked you have to see ID even if you realise the person is old enough." No idea if it's store policy or the law or what, and others have allowed the sale even though I didn't have ID so who knows?

[mojo filters]

That's right, they're just guidlelines.

But how are they codified? Is it a guideline specified by the local authorities, or individual businesses?

[H-O-W-L]

I'll avoid your till.

Nah, granted if someone ID'd someone who was clearly over 25 (being polite) I'd slap them round the back of the head (figuratively speaking) were I in charge of them, but the training does basically point a gun into the back of your throat and tell you that if you don't ID people, Bambi's mum will die again and it will be YOUR FAULT. Apologies if I was a cunt, I had a shite day when I posted that.

A few times I've been ID'd and even when the cashier has accepted I'm clearly old enough they've maintained they have to refuse the sale because "once you've asked you have to see ID even if you realise the person is old enough." No idea if it's store policy or the law or what, and others have allowed the sale even though I didn't have ID so who knows?

I've been told that once a cashier has asked for ID they have to refuse you if you don't have any, even if you are clearly old enough. I've had both happen to me though when ID less, refused the sale and suddenly decided I'm old enough so god knows.

In what context though - law of the land, local licencing statute, individual retailer policy, etc? It makes quite a difference!

I suspect if it was legally mandated at a national level, folks would be more familiar with such a strict regulation. I'm not sure that local authorities involved in licencing are actually empowered to invoke such a specific requirement, though that's merely a guess.

I could see certain individual retailers having company-wide policies to such effect, and that potentially explains both intra-company deviations in compliance alongside lack of any actual legal standard consistent across all retailers.

It may be pertinent purely to my local authority but I've been told by the upper management of two different large supermarket corporations (whom I can't name for obvious reasons) that effectively it's legally binary when you've asked for ID: They show ID, or they don't get served, nowt else. Anyone who averts this and doubles back after they've asked is a crime-inal and must be destroyed from orbit with a laser cannon. Granted I've never worked outside of my area, but that's what I've been told and I've worked up to a store manager level for a national convenience chain. Considering we had regular Trading Standards test purchase visits I'd assume this is some form of legal procedure.

If you want to see some real fucking draconian laws, look up the Tobacco Gantry display laws. They're a right fucking horror.

Also anything that doesn't have a PASS hologram is not acceptable as ID. Keep this in mind if you try to use your Young Offender's Institute card as some cunt tried to with me, and then got fussy when he found I wouldn't let him buy two liters of vodka with it.