Author Topic: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done  (Read 1470 times)

alan nagsworth

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Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« on: December 31, 2018, 03:20:11 PM »
Some of the stuff in the "moments that haunt you" thread made me think of a belting pratfall that happened round my mate's house when we were about 16:

We'd been out on the piss (since we could get served in the rockers pub in town) and my mate had remarked that his parents were on holiday and he'd got half a joint stashed under his doorstep, and so obviously we were all mad keen to get round his gaff and have a wheeze on it. Half a joint back in them days was enough to make four or five teenage lads - who'd bizarrely not yet discovered the joys of smoking tabs when you're pissed - walk a mile for a bit of that sweet tobacco laced with that was almost certainly a paltry bit of puff. So off we went.

Half an hour later and we're stood outside his house as he fishes out a limp, soggy roach from somewhere near his door and we all spark together the flint of realisation that an evening's worth of rain prior to us leaving the pub has rendered the joint utterly shagged. So now we're out of booze, out of weed, out of the town centre and seemingly out of luck, until matey also remembers he's got some snacks his mum left for him, so he invites us in for some munch.

In the kitchen, he opens up a cake tin and there's a bunch of muffins in there. "Here lads," he says, "my mum baked these cakes for us to EAT, so we are gonna EAT THEM". With those final words, he slammed his fist down on the worktop, and the recoil of the impact sent him off kilter. He wobbled, and then he staggered, and then he fell backwards into about five or six half-empty pots of paint. The paint went fucking everywhere. All over his clothes, up the wall and the back door, and glooping out across the floor. It was horrific.

After a few seconds of silence, all of us including our paint-soaked protagonist burst into fits of laughter. None of us could believe the sheer, awful luck of it all. His parents were right bastards an' all, so this would ultimately spell big trouble for him. But wait, the best is yet to come: after regaining our composure - and him regaining his standing posture - his first port of call was to open the back door. Immediately on doing so, his two rampant Staffordshire bull terriers came tearing in and traipsed the paint right through the house, all through the living room carpet and on the nice leather sofas and up the bastard stairs. Cue all of us (except him this time) roaring with hysterics all over again.

I was recounting it in my head just now and still struggled to contain my amusement after all this time. I think it's probably one of the funniest chains of events I've ever seen. Utterly amazing. Obviously we fuckin' scarpered pretty fast after the dogs had their way with the paint. Sod dealing with that.

Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2018, 03:27:14 PM »
Just the other day, I basically did this into a bus shelter.


Lost Oliver

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #2 on: December 31, 2018, 05:20:25 PM »
Uncle David running full pelt into a Trompe L'Oeil tunnel inside Lazer Quest in 1996.

Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2018, 05:35:05 PM »
A summer as a child, both a cousin and my papa both ran into the the closed French patio window in the same afternoon, and they bounced off of it, it was regular glass, not pope mobile 3000 grade.

Phoenix Lazarus

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2018, 05:37:44 PM »
When jogging along a main road's grassy verge, my foot hit some sort of metal strip projecting from the grass.  I tripped, and did literally a complete somersault in the air, before landing on my back on the grass.

Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2018, 05:40:31 PM »
When I was on holiday at a camp site with my parents as a child they were walking and I was cycling on my hand-me-down Raleigh Strika (imagine a Soviet attempt at a BMX and you won't be far off). I came steaming down a hill only to find the knackered brakes had no chance of stopping me, so ended up wedging my front wheel in the arch of a parked BMW and flying over the bonnet.

Phoenix Lazarus

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2018, 05:44:30 PM »
It's been a closely-kept secret that the Laurel and Hardy films were supposed to have been quite gentle comedies.  Thing is, Oliver Hardy was such a total clumsy knob that they decided to keep in all those ridiculous accidents he was involved in, and pass them off as brilliantly-staged fiction.

Mister Six

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2018, 06:02:28 PM »
I once slid on some black ice down a long, steepish incline in Leeds city centre, my feet never once leaving the ground, my torso gyrating and arms flailing madly in true Frank Spencer style, before coasting to a perfect standstill. As I regained my equilibrium, still upright, a small group of onlookers gave me a smattering of applause.

Then I stepped away, slipped, and landed flat on my arse, to much amusement (not mine).

Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #8 on: December 31, 2018, 06:07:51 PM »
My mate Stu was lying on a wall next to a pond.
Wall collapsed. Stu fell into the pond.
Laughed at that non-stop for about 45 minutes.

earl_sleek

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2018, 06:12:12 PM »

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #11 on: December 31, 2018, 06:25:28 PM »
My mate Stu was lying on a wall next to a pond.
Wall collapsed. Stu fell into the pond.
Laughed at that non-stop for about 45 minutes.

Lol, you've just reminded me. One of my mates lived in a house with a long back garden where one side of it had a stone wall then an alleyway. The garden itself had hedging splitting most of it off halfway along with an archway leading to an unkempt bit with foot high grass and a knackered greenhouse. It was this bit that had the 'fire patch' where we'd sometimes go with some bottles of booze after the pub shut. Wood was in plentiful supply as my mate was a builder and was always coming across bits of pallet, and if that failed we went out with a handsaw into the edge of the park/allotments. One time we burned the chipboard floor out of his Transit.

Anyhow, one of my mates decided to turn in and realised he could just hop the wall and be half-way down the alleyway without having to walk all the way back round the front of the house. Unfortunately in doing so he traipsed right into the 'pond', which was more of a swamp. It had so much vegetation growing out of it it was an easy mistake to make, my mate tended to warn people about it on the way in.

Glebe

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #12 on: January 01, 2019, 12:27:10 AM »
I was on the set of a Norman Wisdom film once, when a random passer-by tripped up and did an incredible backflip!

Phoenix Lazarus

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #13 on: January 09, 2019, 09:30:48 PM »
I was on the set of a Norman Wisdom film once, when a random passer-by tripped up and did an incredible backflip!

Years later, she was known as Mel C.

touchingcloth

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #14 on: January 09, 2019, 09:37:20 PM »
In the office today, someone was walking past me to the kitchen when she stopped me and said “I just had a mad urge to throw my tea on you.” I asked what she meant, and she said she just had an irrational urge to throw her cold mug of tea on me “like this.”

At that point she mimed a mug throwing action, and accidentally chucked cold tea in her own face.

Phoenix Lazarus

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #15 on: January 09, 2019, 09:40:30 PM »
In the office today, someone was walking past me to the kitchen when she stopped me and said “I just had a mad urge to throw my tea on you.” I asked what she meant, and she said she just had an irrational urge to throw her cold mug of tea on me “like this.”

At that point she mimed a mug throwing action, and accidentally chucked cold tea in her own face.

You've got to like moments like that!

Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #16 on: January 09, 2019, 10:27:21 PM »
In the office today, someone was walking past me to the kitchen when she stopped me and said “I just had a mad urge to throw my tea on you.” I asked what she meant, and she said she just had an irrational urge to throw her cold mug of tea on me “like this.”

At that point she mimed a mug throwing action, and accidentally chucked cold tea in her own face.

Next time will be an acid attack, mind how you go.

The Lurker

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #17 on: January 09, 2019, 10:41:03 PM »
With just under two hours to go, the OP's post has full-on made my day

Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #18 on: January 09, 2019, 10:41:38 PM »
A few years ago outside Boots in Brighton, the last time it properly snowed down here.

The woman in front of me slips on the ice and falls on her arse, legs in the air like a dying beetle.
I slip on the ice onto my arse and wave my legs in the air like a dying beetle.
The person behind me slips and lands on their arse, waving their legs in the air like a dying beetle.

All three of us on our arses, waving our legs in the air like dying beetles.
Nobody helped us up!

The Lurker

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #19 on: January 09, 2019, 11:00:38 PM »
Not too long ago, a woman I work with poured Fanta over her food rather than vinegar. I saw her obliviously doing it and I was trying to restrain laughter when I saw her realisation. I was in a meeting a few minutes after this and I spent most of my time in it thinking about what had just happened so I ended up stifling laughter throughout the duration of it.

touchingcloth

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #20 on: January 09, 2019, 11:03:58 PM »
Surely pouring the amount of Fanta that you’d normally pour of vinegar on some food would be basically fine?

Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #21 on: January 09, 2019, 11:04:43 PM »
With just under two hours to go, the OP's post has full-on made my day

Same, that's some proper gold right there.

I must have done some stupid shit that would fit in here but I'm drawing a blank. I once kneed myself in the chin as a lad while trying to run and pick up a baseball that was rolling along the ground.

Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #22 on: January 09, 2019, 11:08:38 PM »
When I was about 10 and living in the US, I used to occasionally walk home while reading a book. Once walked straight into one of those freestanding American mailboxes, which due to my age was precisely at face height. Dropped my book and stood there in a daze as hysterical laughter wafted out of the house it was standing in front of.

touchingcloth

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #23 on: January 09, 2019, 11:11:01 PM »
With just under two hours to go, the OP's post has full-on made my day

Same, that's some proper gold right there.

When his parents returned home, they decided there was nothing to do but abandon the paint-fucked building.

Years later, alan nagsworth tells his son and friends about the house, and they promptly find it and fill its loft and every room with wankrags.

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #24 on: January 10, 2019, 10:01:49 AM »
Watching Speedmarket Avenue downstairs in Clwb Ifor Bach (in about 2008) the lovely lead singer said something lovely. I replied with something witty and leaned back against the wall to look cool. Except I was standing in front of the fire door. Which I went through backwards with a drink in my hand. Apparently it was a spectacular sight.

On my way to work one frozen over morning, I saw an old man over the road from me go over hard. There was a loud crunch as his behind hit the floor and his stick went flying. I waddled over to help him up and he said "Arrrrrgh. My fucking arse! Twat!" The fall wasn't that hilarious but his sweariness warmed me for the rest of my journey.

icehaven

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #25 on: January 10, 2019, 10:49:26 AM »
I was climbing over a dry stone wall that collapsed underneath me once, but the best bit was afterwards watching my then boyfriend trying and failing to rebuild it and the big stones repeatedly falling on his foot. I felt bad about making it fall down but I know my limits and unfortunately they include dry stone wall construction.

Jockice

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Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #26 on: January 10, 2019, 11:41:42 AM »
Uncle David running full pelt into a Trompe L'Oeil tunnel inside Lazer Quest in 1996.

Back in the days when I could run I was trying to catch a bus and managed to pick up a fair speed. But forgot how to stop so I went straight into the bus shelter and collapsed in a heap. The bus drove off.

My favourite though was in our teens in the local park on a dark night. We were running up a hill and my best mate ran straight into a park bench. One of those small ones with no backrest. He was over six foot tall so he caught it below knee level and did this brilliant fall with his arms out in front of him (in a Superman stylee) before crashing to earth. I wish I'd videoed it as it was a lot better than my description of it. Those who were there still regard it as one of the funniest things they've ever seen. Except Mick. I think he still finds it painful.

Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #27 on: January 10, 2019, 12:37:29 PM »
When we were teens we used to go to my mum's house to smoke some pot, i was in the attic so we used to take it in turns to stand on a chair and blow the smoke out of the window while we rotated on playing on the xbox and N64 and chilling out to some tunes. I had my turn passed the joint onto my mate Drakey and went and got on the sofa and relaxed, two minutes later a fucking massive crash made me jump out my skin, turned round to see my mate on the floor unconscious faceplanted through a vintage wood/glass table.
One  of my mate's thought he was dead so made his excuses and left, i slapped him about a bit and he came round and just said he had blacked out while laid in the middle of a totally destroyed table, i panicked for a couple of minutes before we all broke into laughter and piss taking.

In Amsterdam when we were teens we got hammered and stoned and decided it would be a good idea to hire some bikes and go flying round the red light district, we got our bike's and started following  each other flying round the red light area, the lad at the front in his infinite wisdom shouted look at her and anchored on, we all looked going full speed and ended up in a massive mangle of bikes and limbs and one of the bikes ended up in the canal, the whole window line of prostitutes were fucking doubled over laughing at us as we tried not to act hurt and get up and brush ourselfs off.

My most embarrassing though is going to play golf and taking my then girlfriend wanted to come along as it was a nice day, got to the first tee wanting to impress her got my driver out and said 'watch this' fucking swung the thing with everything i had completely missed the ball and the force caused me to spin around and fall flat on my arse, girlfriend laughing her arse off and a group of four lads who had turned up just after, i let the lads play through while i tryed to repair my ego sat on the floor feeling like a right tit.

Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #28 on: January 10, 2019, 12:45:05 PM »
Dropped a knife, while I was cooking, on my cat. Chopped it's head clean off.

Re: Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done
« Reply #29 on: January 10, 2019, 12:57:22 PM »
After I fell in a muddy hole while taking a short cut across a building site (aged about 14 or 15), my mum wouldn’t let me in the house covered in mud, and insisted on power-hosing me in the back garden while my ‘friends’ fell about laughing.