Incredible bits of slapstick wot you've seen/done

[momatt]

Watching Speedmarket Avenue downstairs in Clwb Ifor Bach (in about 2008) the lovely lead singer said something lovely. I replied with something witty and leaned back against the wall to look cool. Except I was standing in front of the fire door. Which I went through backwards with a drink in my hand.

Then Trigger made a face.

[Icehaven]

Dropped a knife, while I was cooking, on my cat. Chopped it's head clean off.

Please don't go for a haircut anytime soon.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Please don't go for a haircut anytime soon.

There was some good stuff in Nathan Barley, along with the bits I didn't get.

[Sebastian Cobb]

In Amsterdam when we were teens we got hammered and stoned and decided it would be a good idea to hire some bikes and go flying round the red light district, we got our bike's and started following  each other flying round the red light area, the lad at the front in his infinite wisdom shouted look at her and anchored on, we all looked going full speed and ended up in a massive mangle of bikes and limbs and one of the bikes ended up in the canal, the whole window line of prostitutes were fucking doubled over laughing at us as we tried not to act hurt and get up and brush ourselfs off.

Sadly it was a mate rather than me that saw a hipster miss the opening of a towpath bridge, hit the wall then unable to uncleat himself capsized sideways into a bin.

[Golden E. Pump]

Bravo Mr Nagsworth, I laughed out loud at that.

[Blinder Data]

When we were teens we used to go to my mum's house to smoke some pot, i was in the attic so we used to take it in turns to stand on a chair and blow the smoke out of the window while we rotated on playing on the xbox and N64 and chilling out to some tunes. I had my turn passed the joint onto my mate Drakey and went and got on the sofa and relaxed, two minutes later a fucking massive crash made me jump out my skin, turned round to see my mate on the floor unconscious faceplanted through a vintage wood/glass table.
One  of my mate's thought he was dead so made his excuses and left, i slapped him about a bit and he came round and just said he had blacked out while laid in the middle of a totally destroyed table, i panicked for a couple of minutes before we all broke into laughter and piss taking

What a funny reaction. "Ah he appears to have died, therefore I must leave - tatty bye!"

[king_tubby]

Mate of mine tipped a tray of fried rice up to get the last bits in his gob whilst walking down the street.

SMACK! Lamppost.

[petril]

Mate of mine tipped a tray of fried rice up to get the last bits in his gob whilst walking down the street.

SMACK! Lamppost.

the heroin was probably the biggest and nastiest surprise

[touchingcloth]

the heroin was probably the biggest and nastiest surprise

The astonishing bit to me was that they were eating fried rice whilst walking. I've never heard of a less suitably food to eat while in motion. And a tray of it? A tray?

[king_tubby]

LIVE ACTION REPORT:

Got some chips from the chippie. Other half's portion got cold cos she was dithering about. So I said stick 'em in the oven to warm up.

She puts them in at 200 in the paper.

CHIPS ON FIRE

[Sebastian Cobb]

Best notify my next of kin these chips shall explode

[Large Noise]

Beautiful summer Saturday afternoon in 2010 and I'm walking along a street beside a small local park. It's illegal to drink in public places in Glasgow, so on days like this police are always lurking wherever a lot people are hanging out, ready to fine anyone who's having a good time too blatantly

I can't help but notice one drunk woman who's decided to take a piss in a gap between some shrubs beside the fence. I say drunk because she appears unable to squat down and piss by herself. Instead she's got someone I assume is her boyfriend holding her up by her wrists as she squats.

Now this is all going according to plan until, wouldn't you just know it, two police walk in the gate right beside them. The boyfriend knows they've been spotted and he does what any good citizen would in his position, he holds his hands up in a kind of frightened mea culpa palms-out gesture. But in so doing he lets go of his girlfriend, sending her tumbling arsebackwards into a muddy pool of her own piss.

[Jockice]

Best notify my next of kin these chips shall explode

Incidentally, the song I woke up with in my head this morning. It was on a Top Of The Pops compilation on BBC4 at the weekend. It's a Dylan song and therefore shit.

[flotemysost]

I was at a Python evening class quite recently with a couple of colleagues, where everyone in the class was sat at tables of 4 watching the teacher demonstrate stuff on a big screen while we copied it on laptops.

My view of the screen was partly blocked by the head of the woman sitting next to me, so I pushed my chair back slightly, trying to be as quiet as possible and not distract anyone. However one of the chair legs landed in an electrical floor socket (well, the recess that it sits in - the cover was open) and my chair started very slowly angling downwards, like the Titanic sinking.

The teacher stopped in her tracks and asked if everything was OK. 'No I'm fine, please carry on', I replied, still sinking and trying to work out what was happening. Then I fell off the chair. 'Are you sure you're OK?' The teacher looked very concerned now, and the entire class was staring at me lying crumpled on the floor. I insisted I was fine, re-positioned the chair and sat down again, but the damage was done, all of my focus for the remainder of the class was now on trying not to burst out laughing while I replayed the scene in my head.

I don't even know why I found it so funny, but a few minutes later I looked over at my colleagues and they were also silently shaking with suppressed laughter at the sight of me falling off a chair in slow motion and landing in a lifeless heap in the middle of this class. We remind each other of the incident via email or WhatsApp about once a week.

Now this is all going according to plan until, wouldn't you just know it, two police walk in the gate right beside them. The boyfriend knows they've been spotted and he does what any good citizen would in his position, he holds his hands up in a kind of frightened mea culpa palms-out gesture. But in so doing he lets go of his girlfriend, sending her tumbling arsebackwards into a muddy pool of her own piss.

This reminds me of a friend who drunkenly needed to shit on the way home from a night out so ducked into a churchyard and squatted over a ditch to do his business, but being drunk his balance wasn't at its peak and he tumbled backwards into his own shit and passed out.