Paul Garner

[Purple Tentacle]

Shape, glorious shape
You, sir, have a bad one.
Please tuck in your arse
Looking at you is no fun.

Who is Paul Garner? What else has he done?

About a year ago I got a junk email in my work inbox forwarded from one of my collegues either written by Paul Garner or a liar, talking about the fake tannoy announcements at Heathrow Airport, with the sound files attached.

Now I saw that Neil said that in the latest GLR show that "Paul Garner is on form for once", but I've always found his bits on the R1 Music Show nothing short of hilarious. In particular recently when I was listening to it at work on my headphones, the bit where Morris makes him shuffle towards the hotel guests on his knees chanting "Ha-jooooba joobajoobajoobajooba" I actually twisted some abdomen muscle trying to hold in the hysteria.

I've always loved his unwavering enthusiasm for doing anything that the sadistic Morris has told him..
(Tell her she should sack her plastic surgeon.
No!
Tell her she should sack her plastic surgeon!
....

........
You should sack your plastic surgeon.

Now run out singing Boogie Nights!)

The two of them clearly got a huge buzz out of this street/hotel terrorism, and clearly there was a huge amount of trust between the two, so what else has Garner done, or what else have him and Morris collaborated on?

[butnut]

I've always loved his unwavering enthusiasm for doing anything that the sadistic Morris has told him..

That's not quite true is it? There's a couple of them where he refuses to go back into the shop he's been kicked out of, despite Morris demanding that he returns.

Having said that, some of the Garner moments are the highlights of the R1 shows (the taxi one being my favourite). But there are a few, mostly in shops, where the joke feels like it's wearing a bit thin. My other favourite hoax bit is the Travel Agents, but that's with Baynham instead, but he does a great job of just being plain weird! Maybe Morris felt that Garner didn't have the acting skills for that role.

I'd also like to know what else Garner has done - if anything. We need one of those 'after they were famous' programmes to track him down.

[NobodyGetsOutAlive]

Hmm..I find it incredibly annoying when in the R1 shows he changes the sentence of what Morris says, making it sound a lot unfunnier. Maybe it's just the way he delivers the lines, but it can be annoying. However, I do love the part where he is annoying the guy in a newsagent and he comes out and says "It was the same shop I was bothering the other day" and the bit where he refuses to go back into the shop to ask the guy is he's from hell is great, especially for the argument it prompts with Morris (as well as Garner's "It's Dodge City in there man" line.

Anyway, as far as I know, he did some production work on Bo Selecta (oh dear) and was also involved in The Pilot Show (and again) although imdb do have him down as making an appearance in the Drugs episode of Brass Eye, as well as playing the "technology man" in the Science episode.

[Purple Tentacle]

I've always loved his unwavering enthusiasm for doing anything that the sadistic Morris has told him..

That's not quite true is it? There's a couple of them where he refuses to go back into the shop he's been kicked out of, despite Morris demanding that he returns.

Yeah, but in all fairness in that example the joke was pretty much over. He did refuse to say a couple of things, but would always get bullied into it.

Nonetheless, far far more guts than I'd ever have to do what he did. It's all very well applauding Morris for his quick wit in thinking up the lines, but he's not on the ground, is he?


It would be a bit sad if that email WAS written by Garner though, it WAS nine years ago.

[benthalo]

I've never been sure about that site which uploaded all of the calls, as it clearly has some association with Garner, but the absence of Morris's name and the clips' origins always seemed quite dishonest. I saw a piece in rubbish free London paper Metro recently which claimed that BA were attempting to hunt down those responsible and take them to task for it, which seemed rather late as they must be the last office in the country to receive them on circulars.

Oh, and it is the same Garner who does all the TalkBack wank these days. He was also once on-screen, all over The 11 O'Clock Show like a rash. The old SOTCAA page for 11OCS includes a still. I always found him to be a Morris fanboy, mistakenly allowed into the club, and it seems that's not too far from the truth.

[NobodyGetsOutAlive]

Here's what a bit of googling gets you:

from here

LNR Meets... Paul Garner

26 December 2003


Paul Garner made his name doing bad things with Chris Morris on Radio One. Here is Paul being perfectly awful to a Cambridge cab driver in an extremely funny audio clip.

He is also responsible for the infamous rude tannoy announcements at airports.

Paul is a former 11 O'Clock Show regular, former rugby player, and former member of The Herbs. Here's what an 11 O'Clock Show fansite says of him:

'Reporting - Very good. He is the no nonsense reporter. Says what he thinks, and not afraid to do so.
Sex Appeal - Difficult to decide. He's getting on a bit, but may appeal to any ladies over 30 who may watch the show.

Obesity - No worries here. Does not look fat, and he does not look thin. Looks just about right really.'



And here's what Paul has to say about himself:

...


> Rumour has it that you nearly presented the 11 O'Clock Show?

Then the rumour mill makes a fine loaf. On the first night of series three Iain Lee collapsed and was taken to hospital. I think he'd overdosed on cock gags. The producer then told me I was presenting the show. I didn't even have time to refuse. I was whisked into make-up with Daisy, had a run through, and was waiting backstage as the audience were being seated when Iain suddenly turned up, dosed-up on morphine, and said he was well enough to host the show. I was asked again a few weeks later: the producer rang me up and said Iain Lee has had a death threat and has been advised not to do the show so would I take his place? Great...'there's a nutter with a shooter or a blade somewhere in the audience, so who's the most expendable member of cast? Quick, call Garner...'


> What is the best thing about working with Chris Morris?

Regularly risking a good kicking, and admiring his unique ability to see new levels of comedy long after I had thought we'd got the best out of an idea.


> What is your abiding memory of the Cambridge taxi incident?

The smell of TCP lingers in the memory: for some reason I had decided to douse myself in it for comedic effect - great idea for radio. Secondly (I can't remember if Chris edited this part out) I actually pursued the taxi driver back to Cambridge train station in a friend's car that had followed the cab. Chris insisted I offer the driver a tip - three pence. It's one of several times I came close to losing my teeth for Morris while he sat with his feet up in the studio surrounded by beer cans and French fags.


> Do you have a favourite airport?

For tannoy announcements, Zagreb, Croatia takes a lot of beating. Good sound system, dopey announcer - the perfect blend. Got a good couplet away there: 'Arvnotshagdin Tennyeerz and Marborlzaraz Bigazadonkis'. For travelling with the wife and close friends, you'd be hard pushed to beat the calming ambience and excellent car parking facilities at London's third airport which is Stansted in Essex. It's handy for the M11 and within easy reach of Colchester Zoo, the only zoo in England to stock hyenas.


> Did the airport tannoy announcements ever go wrong?

Yes, I was banned from Terminal Three at Heathrow. I'd bagged a couple of corkers and, after a quick tie removal and a hair ruffle, I went back to the same information desk for more thinking I had fooled them with my cunning disguise. Not so. After looking at the names on my card and looking me up and down the woman called out a cluster of airport staff from a back room. They all bundled out and stood with folded arms staring at me with disgust/pity. Then one of them piped up: "We've had complaints from passengers about rude messages being read out over the tannoy...any more of these and we'll call the police". I was now enjoying it. "The police? What's the charge? Being caught in possession of some names... that look foreign... but aren't... but are a bit rude?" But Old Ma Garner's son is no fool - there's more than one Terminal, hence more than one information desk, hence more than one tannoy announcer. After being tailed from Terminal One to Terminal Two, I knew the game was up... so I went to Gatwick.


> What is your favourite air-crash survival story?

A DC-10 was making a crash landing in Ohio. The crew had told the passengers that it was going to be rough and told them why - the landing gear had gone. One bloke who knew enough about planes to realise that landing with no wheels was a guaranteed bodybagger, took his five year old son to the rear of the plane. Just before it got to the runway threshold, the bloke donkeys the door open, grabs his son and jumps. They dropped into the edge of a cornfield and had a cushioned landing - both survived. Nearly everyone else on the plane died. Sorry, 'nearly everyone died' is an odd way to end a question about a favourite story, but at least there is some joy amidst the pain.


> Do you think of yourself as a European?

No - not interested. I don't even think of myself as British - I'm English. Everyone's so eager to be something else- because being English isn't cool, it doesn't start conversations. Well, bollocks....


> Have you ever been to Minsk? If not, what do you think it might be like?

Pretty much like Stevenage Leisure Park on a Saturday night: cheap beer, lawless and littered with desperate women who'd sleep with anyone for a Big Mac and some American tobacco.


> Do you laugh at funerals?

Not yet, but I am determined people will laugh at mine: I've decided I don't want to be buried or cremated - I want to be exploded. I want to go to my grave knowing that my Auntie Bea has eaten a vol-au-vent at my wake with a dismembered finger stuck to her cheek.


> Who is your comedy hero?

Russell, our local pest controller. Take my word for it - he's easily one of the most entertaining people you'll ever meet. Funny because he doesn't know it... He told me recently that pest controllers have their own newspaper called 'Pest Control News'. I was wondering what a typical crossword clue might be: five across, three letters 'like a mouse, but bigger'.


> When is the last time you punched in anger?

At the start of November. I went to buy something in Stevenage and was appalled that Christmas was being forced down my neck so early. I refuse point blank to buy anything in stores that play modern Christmas songs. I love Christmas but hate the way Christmas pop songs have unduly become a part of our Christmas. In music, there is nothing worse than novelty songs and glam rock. Put the two together and slap on some sleigh bells and you've got a huge steaming pile of solid shit. Fuelled by this anger, I took refuge in a gift shop that wasn't playing Christmas music only to have this animatronic toy monkey in a Santa hat spark up as I walked by it. It started clapping some cymbals together to the tune of 'Santa Claus is Coming To Town'. I punched it full in the face and knocked it through the back of the display case.


> Would you like to apologise to anyone?

I'd like to apologise to Adam Henry. It's a long and ludicrous story but the headline is that I made him believe I had murdered someone. He called the police... and told them I had murdered someone. I nearly got arrested. I was 17. It was three in the morning. I still lived at home. My mum and dad weren't best pleased. I apologise....


> What is your best physical feature?

Nothing. I am in an intense period of self-loathing at the moment. On a good day I quite like my arms - I was once told that I had nice arms like Hugh Laurie. Oh God, I fucking hate myself...


> What have you got in the pipeline?

A mince pie and some beer with Russell on Christmas Eve.


> What do you think comedy will be like in 2,000 years' time?

Graham Norton, seven nights a week on all channels.


> Which of the Cheeky Girls is your special favourite, and why?

The one who knows she looks slightly more like a horse than the other one. Why? It's the only difference between them - apart from which Uncle they sleep with.

[Purple Tentacle]

I always found him to be a Morris fanboy, mistakenly allowed into the club, and it seems that's not too far from the truth.

I don't really understand this attitude at all. Why would Morris work with a fanboy, and so what if he did?

Morris and Garner sound like they're having a hoot on the shows, which leads me, not unreasonably, to assume that they're mates.

Why all the vitriol about these people, Garner, Brooker etc. being "let into the club" (or being Morris-mates), it sounds to me a bit like friends bitching about their mate who's just got a girlfriend they don't approve of.

This isn't a defence of any of his post-Morris work by the way, but there seems to be a fair amount of spite for the people deemed to be of not sufficient "quality" to be working with the bouffant-haired deity.


Isn't that Morris an odious little Cook fanboy, working with him and sucking up to him like that....

[alan strang]

Why all the vitriol about these people, Garner, Brooker etc. being "let into the club" (or being Morris-mates)

To be fair it's only aimed at those situations when the comedy suffers as a result. Some of Morris' best work has been two-way collaborative but only when both parties are firing equally.

Incidentally, does anyone remember that BBC2 show 'The Fall Guy' which completely ripped off the idea of sending a stooge into a covertly-recorded situation to cause mayhem? I seem to recall Baynham dissing it in some newspaper at the time.

Steve Wright had previously nicked the idea for a weekly item in that terrible BBC1 show he did. Wright was usually waiting in a car nearby the action with a mobile, grinning his way through the instructions while his fall guy did things in public which were hardly acknowledged by those around him, let alone entertaining in any way.

[Munday's Chylde]

Incidentally, does anyone remember that BBC2 show 'The Fall Guy' which completely ripped off the idea of sending a stooge into a covertly-recorded situation to cause mayhem? I seem to recall Baynham dissing it in some newspaper at the time.

The Johnny Vaughan thing? It was annoying because there's a good tv show in there somewhere but they wound up with something you wouldn't watch past one episode.

[Purple Tentacle]

Why all the vitriol about these people, Garner, Brooker etc. being "let into the club" (or being Morris-mates)

To be fair it's only aimed at those situations when the comedy suffers as a result. Some of Morris' best work has been two-way collaborative but only when both parties are firing equally.

For me what makes the Garner stuff so funny is the completely one-sided nature of the relationship.... Garner is just a puppet and a mouthpiece of Morris, a hapless ape dancing to his tune. It's his enthusiasm I think that makes it work so well. But then I've always been fond of Morris the Bully, Baynham's tortoise shouting and baby-stealing are also my all-time favourites.



I've ceased to be infuriated by crap comedians and broadcasters ripping off Morris I've seen it so often. The other night, on the local BBC News, there was a filmed image of Downing Street, with the commentator saying "Downing Street will be coming under scrutiny", which was the cue for the cameraman to put a magnifying glass up to the camera, to indicate scrutiny.

Unbelievable.

[Nearly Annually]

Here's a page about him. I don't remember seeing him on the 11 O'clock Show. I must say on the radio shows I thought he was just a mate of Morris along for the crack ... never heard anything in his performance to suggest he was more than just some bloke. Don't remember seeing him in "Science" either. So, quite a forgettable chap then. Doesn't seem deserving of either bile or plaudits really. Good question, Poips.


I find it quite funny that Danny Baker was a universally accepted figure of twatdom until the confusing news emerged that he's mates with the Moz. Or am I wrong? Doorstep challenges, witless appearances on Call My Bluff, Noel's House Party, TFI Friday, etc, etc...

[Purple Tentacle]

I find it quite funny that Danny Baker was a universally accepted figure of twatdom until the confusing news emerged that he's mates with the Moz. Or am I wrong? Doorstep challenges, witless appearances on Call My Bluff, Noel's House Party, TFI Friday, etc, etc...

Hee hee, I was wondering the exact same thing about Noel Edmonds, about how many Verbwhores now seem to inexplicably hold him in high regard despite his vice-like grip on our airwaves for all those years.



I concluded that it probably isn't dissimilar to the nostalgia that young Russians feel for Josef Stalin.

[alan strang]

My other favourite hoax bit is the Travel Agents, but that's with Baynham instead, but he does a great job of just being plain weird! Maybe Morris felt that Garner didn't have the acting skills for that role.

Plus, Garner wasn't in Edinburgh at the time.

Here's a nice story about the section which preceded it. For those who don't remember it, it involved Morris chatting to Baynham in a BBC studio in Edinburgh (he was there for the festival with his one-man show 'Peter Baynham Serves Four', showcasing character stand-up - none of which incidentally involved him saying "Hey dere black man with a large penis"). During the chat Morris berates Baynham to such a degree that he evidently 'cracks', retreats to a corner and starts blurting out non-sequiteurs like "The drawer's empty..." while puffing his face up. Morris then gets one of the BBC's PAs to come in and help him. He gives him a series of instructions which include telling Baynham "Saul - go and kill your mother". The PA is audibly shaken by the whole affair. At the end of it, Baynham, apparently in a world of his own, staggers out of the studio and runs out into the street, leaving the BBC employee lost for words and not a little unnerved.

What we didn't hear was what occured afterwards - After running out into the street, Baynham was suddenly stricken with guilt and remorse over what they'd just done. He sat down in a wine bar around the corner, phoned Morris up and said "Look, can you please call that guy now and explain it was all a joke?". A bit later he phoned Morris again to make sure he'd done so. Morris answered "Yes, it's fine - I called him. I said 'Thanks for dealing with my friend - he's alright now!'"

Baynham's embarrassment over the affair didn't end there though - at the same time as the Chris Morris show, he was also appearing on the Lee & Herring Radio 1 shows (which were also broadcasting from Edinburgh during the festival), so he had to encounter the BBC employee in question several times throughout.

Eventually though, the Morris show sent the bloke a big bottle of champagne for his troubles.

[butnut]

Thanks Alan - great story! (I presume we can trust you that's it's true...)

I love all these background bits of info on Morris and his working habits. I was going to write that there's so few stories about Morris around, but then I thought about it (Yes, folks, it does happen sometimes), and I realised that almost all the stuff we know of Morris is stories like this -the helium incident, being sacked from everywhere, some strory about him laughing at his Grandfather's funeral or something etc. etc. It's all part of the Morris Myth I suppose.

[gazzyk1ns]

Hah, yes, brilliant story... the Morris/Baynham segements are probably some of the best comedy I've heard. As well as the longer sections, I love the little comments and exchanges which are clearly 100% improvised, just for fun - for example, when Chris is introducing the show -

Morris: "...also with me today as ever is Peter, he's pretending to be at sea..."

Baynham (sounding bored): "Land ahoy Chris."

Fantastic.

The one where Chris rings up Peter's dad and tells him he's kidnapped a baby is good too... ah what am I saying, they're all good.

[Bilko]

The one where Chris rings up Peter's dad and tells him he's kidnapped a baby is good too... ah what am I saying, they're all good.

It's just my guessing, but I always thought CM looked through a phone book, found someone with the surname Baynham (presumbly this was in the B section) and rang one of them up at random, the person that was chosen was no relation to Peter Baynham.

[gazzyk1ns]

He knows both of their names though, doesn't he? Because a woman answers, and he says "Hello is John (wrong name, whoever) there please?" And both of them say "Oh hello Chris" to him, after he tells them who it is...

[butnut]

I always assumed it was Baynham's Dad - if I remember rightly, he does sound Welsh. It would break my heart to find out it was someone else.

[Purple Tentacle]

Fa-la-la, the boy!!

[alan strang]

It's just my guessing, but I always thought CM looked through a phone book, found someone with the surname Baynham (presumbly this was in the B section) and rang one of them up at random, the person that was chosen was no relation to Peter Baynham.

Definitely his dad.

Something I forgot the mention about the Edinburgh crack-up earlier is that Baynham got "a very worried phone call, basically saying 'are you alright?'" - from his parents after that particular show went out. To be fair, it is a remarkable performance.

Re: "Land ahoy, Chris" - in fact, that line was actually scripted rather than improvised (I have that particular script page somewhere - and one of them has doodled something resembling a ship in the margin!).

Most of the supposed 'improvised' conversations were typed up beforehand, albeit in a very rough state - sometimes just a list of notes or key jokes.

[Sorry]

Alan Strang - I have to say I'm incredibly excited by all the stuff you know, just these bits of information which somehow make the shows charming, even... these scipts, are they the ones SOTCAA had?  Because they never really bothered posting all of them up (unless they did, and I'm lying), and I'm sure many of us here would love to see some of the original scripts.  If you feel you want to, would you care to share any more anecdotes/scripts?  Please?

[butnut]

Alan Strang - I have to say I'm incredibly excited by all the stuff you know, just these bits of information which somehow make the shows charming, even... these scipts, are they the ones SOTCAA had?  Because they never really bothered posting all of them up (unless they did, and I'm lying), and I'm sure many of us here would love to see some of the original scripts.  If you feel you want to, would you care to share any more anecdotes/scripts?  Please?

Seconded!

[alan strang]

Alan Strang - I have to say I'm incredibly excited by all the stuff you know, just these bits of information which somehow make the shows charming, even... these scipts, are they the ones SOTCAA had?  Because they never really bothered posting all of them up

Tchah - what a lazy bunch of bastards - when are they going to update their site! Yes, they're the same script pages. My scanner's knackered at the moment but I may have some earlier scans saved somewhere. I'll pass them onto Neil when I get a chance.

If you feel you want to, would you care to share any more anecdotes/scripts?  Please?

I think I've exhausted the supply to be honest. This is all just the result of one drunken interview myself and a mate did with Baynham in 1994. I'll dig out the tape later and see if there's anything else there.

There's one Baynham Edinburgh bit which never got recorded (I think it was planned for the one show which doesn't feature him in any capacity). Again, it was going to be a feed from the BBC studio, in a similar set-up to the "What about the hooooomless?" interview - Baynham in character, with two members of the public in attendance, and Morris back in London.

Baynham was going to pretend to be a really famous comedian whom Morris was going to interview, and then slowly wear down via some 'In The Psychiatrist's Chair-style psychoanalysis - with the two members of the public being forced to sit there bemused throughout.

However, the set-up relied on the latter being American tourists - i.e. people who wouldn't know much, if anything, about British comedy stars and therefore wouldn't twig that something was amiss when Baynham was introduced by Morris as 'the Godfather of British comedy'. Morris was going to brief them beforehand, suggesting that it was customary to bow to such a great man when he enters, etc.

Unfortunately, despite a day-long search throughout the festival, they couldn't find any American tourists. They kept going up to people with cameras, Hawaiian shirts and sandals, asking "Are you American?", only to be greeted with a "Sorry, no..." in a Scottish accent! So it never happened.

In the script, the item ends with a clip of the 'Godfather Of Comedy' Baynham character's stage act - which seemingly just involved him repeating the phrase "We're not moving, we're not moving, we're not moving..." ad infinitum.

[gazzyk1ns]

EDIT: I was obviously typing whilst you were, Alan.

Thirded, I was already replying here with "I think we need to see scans of these pages, don't we Alan?" When I noticed the replies in the preview pane before I actually hit "Submit".

Hehe this is funny, there are a few people who post regualrly here who are clearly "in the business" or have somehow shoehorned their way into getting material/possessions we'd all kill for on here. I'm usually too scared/polite/respectful to ask but bugger it, the people in question don't have to reply.

Benthalo is one, he's always hinting subtly that he knows various producers of shows and he keeps calling Danny Baker "Dan", like he's his best mate. Alan Strang and M are interesting too, are you both corpses guys, yeh? Are you currently "in the business" or what? Or do you just have friends there, who you are in regular contact with? If that's the case then don't you feel a little embarrassed asking them about stuff? The reason I ask is not because I think you're "geeks" or whatever but because I can kind of relate to it, the guy who did the sound dubbing on the OB bits of TDT and  BE has been my brother's best mate since High School. But what would I say to him "Hi, erm, I like going on a website dedicated to comedy, erm, can I have some stories about Chris Morris to brighten up my life please?" I'd feel like a proper little twat...

I respect your privacy so obviously if you don't reply then I'll not persue it, but I think you do invite these questions by what you post here sometimes. Someone is bound to ask publicly sooner or later, because of the comments you make from time to time, so it might as well be me doing it politely!

[alan strang]

Benthalo is one, he's always hinting subtly that he knows various producers of shows and he keeps calling Danny Baker "Dan", like he's his best mate.

Don't you remember Bent Halo on the Daz doorstep challenge? He was the housewife in curlers and a Neu! T-shirt in the second advert.

Alan Strang and M are interesting too, are you both corpses guys, yeh?

The last time I counted there were twenty seven members of that particular team. I can't remember if we've updated our membership or not.

But what would I say to him "Hi, erm, I like going on a website dedicated to comedy, erm, can I have some stories about Chris Morris to brighten up my life please?" I'd feel like a proper little twat...

There wasn't any such website at the time of that interview though. And we weren't asking for 'Morris stories' so much as asking Baynham about a show he was then currently still doing - and one which, although popular enough at the time, wasn't part of any huge media cult. Morris wasn't considered a God-like genius then (hardly anybody ever sent letters to the show apparently), but it was a show we adored and, in the absence of any concrete information, wanted to find out more about.

[gazzyk1ns]

Yes, I think anyone who doesn't adore it has something wrong with their sense of humour. Again, please don't think I was calling you a "geek" or anything like it, I was saying "I would like to phone this guy up and ask... but...".

So you "just" write stuff for SOTCAA then? Hehe I remember when I first saw your name on here, I thought of the chartacter Gary Strang, Clunes from Men Behaving Badly. I thought you'd named yourself after his dad, who appeared in the form of Richard Pearson in one episode... is that the case? I can't remember if his name was Alan or not.

[Darrell]

I remember when I first saw your name on here, I thought of the chartacter Gary Strang, Clunes from Men Behaving Badly. I thought you'd named yourself after his dad, who appeared in the form of Richard Pearson in one episode... is that the case? I can't remember if his name was Alan or not.

I thought this too, but I rewatched the MBB ep and Gary's dad isn't named.

[gazzyk1ns]

Well yes, but that tells us nothing... he isn't named in the program we saw, but old Alan there has undoubtably got some original scripts and scribbles from the writers ;)