Author Topic: Dancing on Ice 2019  (Read 249 times)

machotrouts

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Dancing on Ice 2019
« on: January 04, 2019, 08:51:20 AM »
Well, we got mileage out of a Strictly thread.

It's the celebrity ice dancing show on ITV. In its first run from 2006 to 2014, they had 9 series – 8 proper ones, and an all-stars. Good. A nice clean power-of-two number of series topped off with an all-stars is the right way of doing things. It's sad when shows just peter out. Ridiculous, for example, that Channel 5 never gave us one last series of Big Brother with all the classic housemates – Pete Burns, Jade Goody, Verne Troyer, Keith Chegwin, David Gest, Ken Russell, that lupus girl etc.

I'll list some of the celebrities Dancing on Ice had over the original 8 years, to make it feel like you were there watching it. Ulrika Jonsson. Bobby Davro. Kerry Katona. Danniella Westbrook. Lisa Scott-Lee. John Barrowman. Emily Atack. Pamela Anderson. Dr Fox. Corey Feldman. Kay Burley. Vanilla Ice. Donal MacIntyre. Heather Mills. Alive Stephen Gately. Sinitta. Johnson Beharry from the Army. Comedy Dave. Sam and Mark. Roxanne Pallett. The cool parkour guy from Casino Royale. Anthea Turner. Kirk off Corrie. Maria off Corrie. Martin off Corrie. Ashley off Corrie. Joanne off Corrie (?). Warren off Corrie (?). Shayne Ward (before Corrie). Alive Keith Chegwin. Joe Pasquale. Chico.

ITV revived it for a 10th series in 2018, only it seemed they'd pretty much exhausted their stockpile of C-listers rejected by Strictly. Someone off Love Island. Someone off Hollyoaks. Someone off Bake Off. Someone off ITV Weather. Someone off Fame Academy. Donna Air. The only thing ITV have over the BBC is that current Corrie cast members appear not to be allowed near Strictly on pain of death, so they had Sophie off Corrie – couldn't really dance but came 2nd because we'd heard of her – and also Sean off Corrie, who did a predictable unfunny comedy turn for a few weeks...



...then, just as he was running out of goodwill, shipped in some of the jingoistic poppy war shit Strictly usually specialises in with an earnest, unintentionally quite funny turn as a World War I general.





The series was won by Jake Quickenden, because celebrity status be damned, he was the only passable skater who turned up. In an odd way, I'm fascinated by Jake Quickenden – he's managed to become a regular filler contestant for barrel-scrape TV contests without really having a claim to fame in the first place. Who's Jake Quickenden, a Dancing on Ice celebrity booker might well have asked? Well, he's done a bunch of these sorts of shows. Recurring guest on Big Brother's Bit on the Side. Unused reserve on The Jump. Turned the Christmas lights on at the Skelmersdale Concourse. Okay, but why was he famous in the first place? Oh, he was a runner-up on "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!". Okay, but what made him famous enough to appear on that? Well... he came 12th on The X Factor.

12th! Not even as a memorable, Wagnerian, Jedwardian novelty, burning bright and snuffed out before his time. Just a tertiary normal-faced adequate-voiced beige boy to make up the numbers for a couple of weeks, not even mediocre enough to win over X Factor voters. He's Scott Bruton. Rikki Loney. Sam Black. Phillip Magee. You'd know what any of that means if you remembered any of them, which you don't, which proves my point.

So what happened? By chance, he was eliminated just as I'm a Celebrity began, and they seized the novel opportunity to have a contestant from a concurrent X Factor series, instead of waiting at least a year to be their last resort after the doomed pop career has been and gone. Odds are, if he'd scraped X Factor's top 11, he'd never have been seen again. The entire foundation for Quickenden's career is that he was a disappointing singer who had the good fortune to be particularly unpopular in exactly the right week, and by virtue of circumstance, was able to transfer his ephemeral, days-long fame into several years of "celebrity" success, continually filling up reality TV spots out of sheer inertia. His claim to fame is whatever show he was on last, and now he can have "DANCING ON ICE WINNER 2018" engraved atop his Instagram bio, backspacing "WAS IN AN EPISODE OF 'WHO'S DOING THE DISHES' 2016" to make room.

Anyway. There's a new series of Dancing on Ice on Sunday.

machotrouts

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Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2019, 08:59:57 AM »
The series 11 line-up, which, fair play, has several people I've heard of, and some people I like.

Gemma Collins. One of the most naturally funny people alive in the UK today, and I make no apologies for believing this.

Jane Danson. That's Leanne off Corrie. Did you even bother asking Norris, you cowards?

Didi Conn. That's Frenchy off Grease. She's 67 and they're presumably putting her in this ice skating show in the hope of actually killing her.

Richard Blackwood. I appreciate that he's a cultural touchstone for some of you, but I like to think I'm too young to remember the man he was before the enema. People seemed quite upset about him having his turds piped out on telly, so he must have been famous for something very respectable, like maybe he was a prime minister or an astronaut or something. I was sure I remembered him being discussed on this forum before, so I searched Google and got the threads "Most Hated Comedy", "The Unfunniest Comedy Thing You've Ever Seen", "Quickest Fall From Fame", "Do you ever wonder what once well known people are now up to", "Predict the next celebrity to die", and "People you thought were dead". Thereby hangs a tale.

Mark Little. I think he was on Neighbours and did some comedy or something. Look, I didn't pick up on much of the early 2000s at the time – all my memory has retained is a cultural highlights reel that consists mainly of Richard Blackwood getting his arsehole slooshed out.

Ryan Sidebottom. Thought this was the man with the head but he's dead. This man plays cricket, a sport which only exists to stuff reality shows with a bunch of boring fucking cricketers.

Melody Thornton. One of the chief cultural differences between the US and the UK is that, in the US, you're not actually expected to remember and give a shit about individual Pussycat Dolls. Following hot on the heels of Ashley Roberts being widely resented by the British public for going on a dancing show while being already good at dancing, Kimberly Wyatt moving to the UK to become a full-time ex-MasterChef winner, and Nicole Scherzinger having solo hit singles that weren't credited to the Pussycat Dolls comes Melody, the only Doll whose voice you're likely to have heard on record besides Nicole – she's the one who goes "hoah WHOA WHOAA" in the background every now and then.

Wes Nelson. Another person from Love Island, apparently. I'm under the impression that Love Island is a lot more popular than Dancing on Ice, but as long as Strictly thinks it's above that kind of thing, this is the endgame for former Love Islanders now. They don't like it, we don't like it, and that's just the way things are.

Saira Khan. One of the most underrated Celebrity Big Brother housemates ever, she ploughed through the house pissing everyone off like an overzealous investigative journalist. She was intrusive, condescending, and passive-aggressive, but in a charmingly oblivious, almost autistic sort of way; she was funny, gave good GIF, made all the right enemies, and even had the good fortune to be genuinely bullied in the house to make her quite likeable. There was a funny scene with her and a balloon that I was going to link to somewhere in this paragraph but I can't find it on YouTube so you'll just have to invent a scene in your head that involves her and a balloon in some capacity and laugh to yourself. Anyway, she was evicted after a week, as the only remotely interesting housemate in a four-way vote to save against three interchangable and unambiguously odious white men, such is Big Brother. Can't imagine she'll be any more popular on this, so hopefully in the one week she's there, she'll find time to skate over Stephen Bear's throat somehow.

James Jordan. He's a former Strictly pro, which, in a dancing competition, you'd think might give him some sort of advantage. On the other hand, he's a cunt, which might also give him an advantage with the sorts of people who vote in this fucking show.

Brian McFadden. Apparently he was in Westlife, but he is of course best known for his illustrious solo career, including the third worst song ever to be titled 'Just the Way You Are', an upbeat bit of banjo-led rape pop about going to a bar to find women drunk enough to agree to fuck Brian McFadden. He insisted that it was meant in the context of a consensual relationship and had nothing to do with sex crimes, which is why the single cover looked like this. He's most recently been seen hosting "Who's Doing the Dishes?", a daytime ITV show you might remember seeing me reference in the post above this one if your memory goes back that far, the premise of which was that some people would eat in a celebrity's house and have to guess whose house they were eating in from various clues presented to them. In Jake Quickenden's case, I remember one of the clues was Brian McFadden standing in a sandpit, labelled "QUICKSAND", and shouting "QUICK! QUICK!" at the baffled contestants. They didn't guess him, and visibly had no idea who he was when they were told.

Saara Aalto. The delightful impish Finn with the goliath voice from The X Factor – along with Gemma Collins, she's one of a handful of celebrities I would watch any old shit for. Celebrity Piss Drinkers, Celebrity Dogshit Eaters, Celebrity Cat Rapists, maybe even Celebs on the Farm at a push, you name it and I'm there. Saara finished 2nd on The X Factor, 2nd on The Voice of Finland before that, 2nd in two separate Finnish national selections for Eurovision, and when she finally made it to Eurovision, she finished... 25th. Much as I want her to win, it's important to remember that 24th or higher is a victory of sorts. Please lower my expectations.

lebowskibukowski

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Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2019, 10:03:07 AM »
Ahh, "Who's Doing The Dishes?". I have a vague memory of Bob Carolgees being the celeb and the clue was Brian McFadden coming in dressed as Spit The Dog doing pretend spitting.


I may have mis-remembered this

mothman

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Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2019, 05:07:17 PM »
I have no intention of watching this, but will eagerly await updates on this thread.

Dex Sawash

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Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2019, 05:29:30 PM »
^same

machotrouts

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Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2019, 08:50:59 PM »
Ahh, "Who's Doing The Dishes?". I have a vague memory of Bob Carolgees being the celeb and the clue was Brian McFadden coming in dressed as Spit The Dog doing pretend spitting.

I think "Who's Doing the Dishes?" has ended now, which is a shame because there was definitely more potential in a thread for that than a thread for this. Outstanding TV. I remember seeing James Jordan on it too, in a joint episode with Ola Jordan – the big clue for that was a picture of Katie Price (i.e. Jordan). I think the contestants guessed Peter Andre.

What was so compelling about it is that, if the civilians fail to guess the celebrity, then for some reason, according to the show's format, the celebrity is said to have "won". They celebrate the fact that they're too obscure to guess. Like, they stand in the kitchen watching the contestants conferring and if their name isn't mentioned, they'll do a little victory dance with Brian McFadden, haha, yes, I'm winning, this is winning, this is what I wanted from my career, from my life. At the end the people will go "hmm is it Kofi Annan" and then Anthea Turner will step out and jump up and down shouting "haha! Yes! I tricked you! I tricked you!" while the nonplussed dinner guests stand there looking at her and thinking, who the fuck? Harrowing.

machotrouts

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Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2019, 07:00:51 AM »
This started on Sunday night. I only just watched it because I'm nocturnal at the moment and 6pm is too early in the morning for me right now, though I happened to stir in the 5-minute voting window and was just about compos mentis enough to put in 3 votes for Saara and 2 for Gemma on the basis of absolutely nothing but my prior affection. Didn't see a second of the dances until just now. An absolute liberty. I was right though.

They divide them up in the first two weeks, so 6 of the 12 performed this week, and the other 6 will perform next week.

Leanne off Corrie did an ice dance and it was fine. Frenchy off Grease did an ice dance to 'We Go Together' and obligatory cunt judge Jason Gardiner made everyone mad by accusing her of having "dined out on this song for at least 40 years". To be fair, he wasn't saying that as a criticism in and of itself, he was just telling her that the song is the only worthwhile thing in her career to reflect on in her old age to put into context his disappointment at how shit she was at dancing to it. So that's fine. Lovely Saara Aalto did a nice dance to 'Born This Way' (she's Lebanese). James Jordan did a dance that was good, but it was to Michael Bublé to remind you he's a twat. Why couldn't we have had Dead Bruce Forsyth as a contestant instead? I know that seems unlikely, but remember, he's not still bound to Strictly. He's dead.

I am delighted to report that Gemma Collins looked like this.



Some very spirited negging from her partner Matt after the dance. "For somebody that deals with a lot of hate, and a lot of the trolls on social media, somebody who's never exercised before, never had any sort of physical activity... she absolutely smashed it!" Jesus mate. Could have cut that short a few commas earlier. "You did well, given how fat and despised you are!" yeah okay, thanks.

Aspiring comedy act Mark Little had a go at the "barman behind a prop bar gets whisked away for a dance" routine every shite-but-you-gotta-love-'em! celeb has to do, ended up bottom of the leaderboard, and was not saved by the public – he'll have to compete again in next week's "skate-off", against whoever comes bottom of the next six, which still seems like a wonky bit of format. He gets a week's warning, his opponent gets a couple of minutes? I feel like this would be a problem if it fucking mattered and anyone gave a shit.

They've had it worse, anyway – they used to have a skate-off between two out of each six and eliminate one from each group, which they haven't done since the series where they were very excited to have booked Pamela Anderson. Look, everyone! We've got Pamela Anderson this year! The star of the cast, Pamela Anderson! Half the budget, on Pamela Anderson! Here are some ads for the series that prominently feature Pamela Anderson! Make sure to watch Dancing on Ice, featuring Pamela Anderson!

Goes and fucking loses a skate-off to Keith Chegwin in week 1.

Anyway, these days she's a communist and he's dead, so swings and roundabouts.