Author Topic: Dancing on Ice 2019  (Read 1459 times)

machotrouts

  • Member
  • **
    • Twitter
Dancing on Ice 2019
« on: January 04, 2019, 08:51:20 AM »
Well, we got mileage out of a Strictly thread.

It's the celebrity ice dancing show on ITV. In its first run from 2006 to 2014, they had 9 series – 8 proper ones, and an all-stars. Good. A nice clean power-of-two number of series topped off with an all-stars is the right way of doing things. It's sad when shows just peter out. Ridiculous, for example, that Channel 5 never gave us one last series of Big Brother with all the classic housemates – Pete Burns, Jade Goody, Verne Troyer, Keith Chegwin, David Gest, Ken Russell, that lupus girl etc.

I'll list some of the celebrities Dancing on Ice had over the original 8 years, to make it feel like you were there watching it. Ulrika Jonsson. Bobby Davro. Kerry Katona. Danniella Westbrook. Lisa Scott-Lee. John Barrowman. Emily Atack. Pamela Anderson. Dr Fox. Corey Feldman. Kay Burley. Vanilla Ice. Donal MacIntyre. Heather Mills. Alive Stephen Gately. Sinitta. Johnson Beharry from the Army. Comedy Dave. Sam and Mark. Roxanne Pallett. The cool parkour guy from Casino Royale. Anthea Turner. Kirk off Corrie. Maria off Corrie. Martin off Corrie. Ashley off Corrie. Joanne off Corrie (?). Warren off Corrie (?). Shayne Ward (before Corrie). Alive Keith Chegwin. Joe Pasquale. Chico.

ITV revived it for a 10th series in 2018, only it seemed they'd pretty much exhausted their stockpile of C-listers rejected by Strictly. Someone off Love Island. Someone off Hollyoaks. Someone off Bake Off. Someone off ITV Weather. Someone off Fame Academy. Donna Air. The only thing ITV have over the BBC is that current Corrie cast members appear not to be allowed near Strictly on pain of death, so they had Sophie off Corrie – couldn't really dance but came 2nd because we'd heard of her – and also Sean off Corrie, who did a predictable unfunny comedy turn for a few weeks...



...then, just as he was running out of goodwill, shipped in some of the jingoistic poppy war shit Strictly usually specialises in with an earnest, unintentionally quite funny turn as a World War I general.





The series was won by Jake Quickenden, because celebrity status be damned, he was the only passable skater who turned up. In an odd way, I'm fascinated by Jake Quickenden – he's managed to become a regular filler contestant for barrel-scrape TV contests without really having a claim to fame in the first place. Who's Jake Quickenden, a Dancing on Ice celebrity booker might well have asked? Well, he's done a bunch of these sorts of shows. Recurring guest on Big Brother's Bit on the Side. Unused reserve on The Jump. Turned the Christmas lights on at the Skelmersdale Concourse. Okay, but why was he famous in the first place? Oh, he was a runner-up on "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!". Okay, but what made him famous enough to appear on that? Well... he came 12th on The X Factor.

12th! Not even as a memorable, Wagnerian, Jedwardian novelty, burning bright and snuffed out before his time. Just a tertiary normal-faced adequate-voiced beige boy to make up the numbers for a couple of weeks, not even mediocre enough to win over X Factor voters. He's Scott Bruton. Rikki Loney. Sam Black. Phillip Magee. You'd know what any of that means if you remembered any of them, which you don't, which proves my point.

So what happened? By chance, he was eliminated just as I'm a Celebrity began, and they seized the novel opportunity to have a contestant from a concurrent X Factor series, instead of waiting at least a year to be their last resort after the doomed pop career has been and gone. Odds are, if he'd scraped X Factor's top 11, he'd never have been seen again. The entire foundation for Quickenden's career is that he was a disappointing singer who had the good fortune to be particularly unpopular in exactly the right week, and by virtue of circumstance, was able to transfer his ephemeral, days-long fame into several years of "celebrity" success, continually filling up reality TV spots out of sheer inertia. His claim to fame is whatever show he was on last, and now he can have "DANCING ON ICE WINNER 2018" engraved atop his Instagram bio, backspacing "WAS IN AN EPISODE OF 'WHO'S DOING THE DISHES' 2016" to make room.

Anyway. There's a new series of Dancing on Ice on Sunday.

machotrouts

  • Member
  • **
    • Twitter
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2019, 08:59:57 AM »
The series 11 line-up, which, fair play, has several people I've heard of, and some people I like.

Gemma Collins. One of the most naturally funny people alive in the UK today, and I make no apologies for believing this.

Jane Danson. That's Leanne off Corrie. Did you even bother asking Norris, you cowards?

Didi Conn. That's Frenchy off Grease. She's 67 and they're presumably putting her in this ice skating show in the hope of actually killing her.

Richard Blackwood. I appreciate that he's a cultural touchstone for some of you, but I like to think I'm too young to remember the man he was before the enema. People seemed quite upset about him having his turds piped out on telly, so he must have been famous for something very respectable, like maybe he was a prime minister or an astronaut or something. I was sure I remembered him being discussed on this forum before, so I searched Google and got the threads "Most Hated Comedy", "The Unfunniest Comedy Thing You've Ever Seen", "Quickest Fall From Fame", "Do you ever wonder what once well known people are now up to", "Predict the next celebrity to die", and "People you thought were dead". Thereby hangs a tale.

Mark Little. I think he was on Neighbours and did some comedy or something. Look, I didn't pick up on much of the early 2000s at the time – all my memory has retained is a cultural highlights reel that consists mainly of Richard Blackwood getting his arsehole slooshed out.

Ryan Sidebottom. Thought this was the man with the head but he's dead. This man plays cricket, a sport which only exists to stuff reality shows with a bunch of boring fucking cricketers.

Melody Thornton. One of the chief cultural differences between the US and the UK is that, in the US, you're not actually expected to remember and give a shit about individual Pussycat Dolls. Following hot on the heels of Ashley Roberts being widely resented by the British public for going on a dancing show while being already good at dancing, Kimberly Wyatt moving to the UK to become a full-time ex-MasterChef winner, and Nicole Scherzinger having solo hit singles that weren't credited to the Pussycat Dolls comes Melody, the only Doll whose voice you're likely to have heard on record besides Nicole – she's the one who goes "hoah WHOA WHOAA" in the background every now and then.

Wes Nelson. Another person from Love Island, apparently. I'm under the impression that Love Island is a lot more popular than Dancing on Ice, but as long as Strictly thinks it's above that kind of thing, this is the endgame for former Love Islanders now. They don't like it, we don't like it, and that's just the way things are.

Saira Khan. One of the most underrated Celebrity Big Brother housemates ever, she ploughed through the house pissing everyone off like an overzealous investigative journalist. She was intrusive, condescending, and passive-aggressive, but in a charmingly oblivious, almost autistic sort of way; she was funny, gave good GIF, made all the right enemies, and even had the good fortune to be genuinely bullied in the house to make her quite likeable. There was a funny scene with her and a balloon that I was going to link to somewhere in this paragraph but I can't find it on YouTube so you'll just have to invent a scene in your head that involves her and a balloon in some capacity and laugh to yourself. Anyway, she was evicted after a week, as the only remotely interesting housemate in a four-way vote to save against three interchangable and unambiguously odious white men, such is Big Brother. Can't imagine she'll be any more popular on this, so hopefully in the one week she's there, she'll find time to skate over Stephen Bear's throat somehow.

James Jordan. He's a former Strictly pro, which, in a dancing competition, you'd think might give him some sort of advantage. On the other hand, he's a cunt, which might also give him an advantage with the sorts of people who vote in this fucking show.

Brian McFadden. Apparently he was in Westlife, but he is of course best known for his illustrious solo career, including the third worst song ever to be titled 'Just the Way You Are', an upbeat bit of banjo-led rape pop about going to a bar to find women drunk enough to agree to fuck Brian McFadden. He insisted that it was meant in the context of a consensual relationship and had nothing to do with sex crimes, which is why the single cover looked like this. He's most recently been seen hosting "Who's Doing the Dishes?", a daytime ITV show you might remember seeing me reference in the post above this one if your memory goes back that far, the premise of which was that some people would eat in a celebrity's house and have to guess whose house they were eating in from various clues presented to them. In Jake Quickenden's case, I remember one of the clues was Brian McFadden standing in a sandpit, labelled "QUICKSAND", and shouting "QUICK! QUICK!" at the baffled contestants. They didn't guess him, and visibly had no idea who he was when they were told.

Saara Aalto. The delightful impish Finn with the goliath voice from The X Factor – along with Gemma Collins, she's one of a handful of celebrities I would watch any old shit for. Celebrity Piss Drinkers, Celebrity Dogshit Eaters, Celebrity Cat Rapists, maybe even Celebs on the Farm at a push, you name it and I'm there. Saara finished 2nd on The X Factor, 2nd on The Voice of Finland before that, 2nd in two separate Finnish national selections for Eurovision, and when she finally made it to Eurovision, she finished... 25th. Much as I want her to win, it's important to remember that 24th or higher is a victory of sorts. Please lower my expectations.

lebowskibukowski

  • Probably On A Register
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2019, 10:03:07 AM »
Ahh, "Who's Doing The Dishes?". I have a vague memory of Bob Carolgees being the celeb and the clue was Brian McFadden coming in dressed as Spit The Dog doing pretend spitting.


I may have mis-remembered this

mothman

  • I don't know why
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2019, 05:07:17 PM »
I have no intention of watching this, but will eagerly await updates on this thread.

Dex Sawash

  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Upphängningspunkterna
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2019, 05:29:30 PM »
^same

machotrouts

  • Member
  • **
    • Twitter
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2019, 08:50:59 PM »
Ahh, "Who's Doing The Dishes?". I have a vague memory of Bob Carolgees being the celeb and the clue was Brian McFadden coming in dressed as Spit The Dog doing pretend spitting.

I think "Who's Doing the Dishes?" has ended now, which is a shame because there was definitely more potential in a thread for that than a thread for this. Outstanding TV. I remember seeing James Jordan on it too, in a joint episode with Ola Jordan – the big clue for that was a picture of Katie Price (i.e. Jordan). I think the contestants guessed Peter Andre.

What was so compelling about it is that, if the civilians fail to guess the celebrity, then for some reason, according to the show's format, the celebrity is said to have "won". They celebrate the fact that they're too obscure to guess. Like, they stand in the kitchen watching the contestants conferring and if their name isn't mentioned, they'll do a little victory dance with Brian McFadden, haha, yes, I'm winning, this is winning, this is what I wanted from my career, from my life. At the end the people will go "hmm is it Kofi Annan" and then Anthea Turner will step out and jump up and down shouting "haha! Yes! I tricked you! I tricked you!" while the nonplussed dinner guests stand there looking at her and thinking, who the fuck? Harrowing.

machotrouts

  • Member
  • **
    • Twitter
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2019, 07:00:51 AM »
This started on Sunday night. I only just watched it because I'm nocturnal at the moment and 6pm is too early in the morning for me right now, though I happened to stir in the 5-minute voting window and was just about compos mentis enough to put in 3 votes for Saara and 2 for Gemma on the basis of absolutely nothing but my prior affection. Didn't see a second of the dances until just now. An absolute liberty. I was right though.

They divide them up in the first two weeks, so 6 of the 12 performed this week, and the other 6 will perform next week.

Leanne off Corrie did an ice dance and it was fine. Frenchy off Grease did an ice dance to 'We Go Together' and obligatory cunt judge Jason Gardiner made everyone mad by accusing her of having "dined out on this song for at least 40 years". To be fair, he wasn't saying that as a criticism in and of itself, he was just telling her that the song is the only worthwhile thing in her career to reflect on in her old age to put into context his disappointment at how shit she was at dancing to it. So that's fine. Lovely Saara Aalto did a nice dance to 'Born This Way' (she's Lebanese). James Jordan did a dance that was good, but it was to Michael Bublé to remind you he's a twat. Why couldn't we have had Dead Bruce Forsyth as a contestant instead? I know that seems unlikely, but remember, he's not still bound to Strictly. He's dead.

I am delighted to report that Gemma Collins looked like this.



Some very spirited negging from her partner Matt after the dance. "For somebody that deals with a lot of hate, and a lot of the trolls on social media, somebody who's never exercised before, never had any sort of physical activity... she absolutely smashed it!" Jesus mate. Could have cut that short a few commas earlier. "You did well, given how fat and despised you are!" yeah okay, thanks.

Aspiring comedy act Mark Little had a go at the "barman behind a prop bar gets whisked away for a dance" routine every shite-but-you-gotta-love-'em! celeb has to do, ended up bottom of the leaderboard, and was not saved by the public – he'll have to compete again in next week's "skate-off", against whoever comes bottom of the next six, which still seems like a wonky bit of format. He gets a week's warning, his opponent gets a couple of minutes? I feel like this would be a problem if it fucking mattered and anyone gave a shit.

They've had it worse, anyway – they used to have a skate-off between two out of each six and eliminate one from each group, which they haven't done since the series where they were very excited to have booked Pamela Anderson. Look, everyone! We've got Pamela Anderson this year! The star of the cast, Pamela Anderson! Half the budget, on Pamela Anderson! Here are some ads for the series that prominently feature Pamela Anderson! Make sure to watch Dancing on Ice, featuring Pamela Anderson!

Goes and fucking loses a skate-off to Keith Chegwin in week 1.

Anyway, these days she's a communist and he's dead, so swings and roundabouts.

machotrouts

  • Member
  • **
    • Twitter
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2019, 01:13:12 AM »
Last Sunday, the following famous celebs dazzled us for the first time.

Melody from the Pussycat Dolls skated and was good.

Brian from Westlife skated to Mandy, which he once described as his least favourite Westlife song, by Westlife. Apparently the other four members of Westlife have got a new song out written by Ed Sheeran. I fucking hate it. I haven't heard it.

Wes from Love Island was the best one and got three 7s, out of 10s. I'm just taking that from the Wikipedia article because it took me a week to post this and I've forgotten him now. His name is Wes and he was in Love Island.

Saira Khan, who seemed happy to be there and let's just leave the dance critique at that, had a load of Loose Women panellists make a surprise cameo at the beginning of her routine to give the ITV viewership a little dopamine hit, and survived with the votes from the deranged people of this country unaccountably beguiled by the presence of Coleen Nolan. Democracy is broken in this country. Saira loses Celebrity Big Brother, Brexit, Coleen wins Celebrity Big Brother. Connect the dots, sheeple.

Richard Blackwood was a bit shit.

Ryan Sidebottom is obviously Seann Walsh given a new identity by police for his own safety.



I admire the hubris of him coming on here too. Hopefully this thread will get going once the love rat scandal kicks back off.

Sean(n) was bottom of the judges' leaderboard and the voters weren't interested in changing that – no wonder, he's a love rat – so he was in the skate-off against Mark Little from last week. Little skated poorly but in a Comedy way, and Sidebottom was lugged around the ice like Weekend at Bernie's (I've not seen Weekend at Bernie's but I know the premise (inspirational film about a corpse learning to ice skate)). Judges unanimously said that Ryan had "obviously" improved and "stepped up his game" in the 0 minutes he'd had to prepare since his last routine, and Mark Little was sent home. I still don't really know who he is, so can any of you comedy forum people explain to me whether I should be sad about that? I get the impression he's one of those semi-mythical people who pops up on Edinburgh Fringe posters but nobody's ever seen their shows, like Hardeep Singh Kohli, or that guy with the kilt, not Hardeep Singh Kohli the other one, the white guy with the white backgrounds and corporate PowerPoint presentation font, what's his whole deal?

Dancing on Ice is on again tomorrow (today). Who else is fucken PUMPED

BlodwynPig

  • Throwing two dogs at a goblin
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2019, 01:17:53 AM »
Mrs. Mangel's son in neighbours!

mothman

  • I don't know why
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2019, 11:03:49 AM »
Sheer unadulterated brilliance. Thst still doesn’t make me want to watch.

Captain Z

  • Oh yeah my cholesterol's going down
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2019, 02:34:56 PM »
Last Sunday, the following famous celebs dazzled us for the first time.

Melody from the Pussycat Dolls skated and was good.

Hardly seems fair, she was literally a professional ice skater in The Pussycat Dolls.

Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #11 on: January 21, 2019, 07:58:20 PM »
That bloke from Corrie's costume as the Beast from Beauty and the Beast was comedy gold.

machotrouts

  • Member
  • **
    • Twitter
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2019, 06:09:02 AM »
Shit kicked off last week! I don't have the time to read Brexit threads anymore so this is what I think passes for drama now.

Gemma Collins skated to 'Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend' dressed as Marilyn Monroe (my mum reprimanded me for saying she looks like the token big queen they have each series of RuPaul's Drag Race – as if I'd be saying that as an insult? She doesn't fucking know me). There wasn't much skating, but there was a bit at the end where she approached a prop and the camera cut away to some backing dancers, a trope so familiar from this and Strictly they might as well all be holding signs that say "YES WE'RE PUTTING HER IN A HARNESS, JUST BEAR WITH US", then it cut back and she ascended to the ceiling on a giant diamond ring, the aesthetic somewhat undermined by 1: the big black obvious seatbelt she was wearing (could they not at least get it in pink?), and 2: the camera awkwardly lingering on her long after the audience had stopped applauding, the ring descending sadly back to the ice to little fanfare, a few leftover claps and one man going "woo" in a low, matter-of-fact tone. Absolutely with you mate.



Anyway, after 30 seconds of Jason Gardiner laying into her, including a comparison to Anna Nicole Smith that I hope seems a bit less dark to people old enough to remember her for doing anything other than dying, she cut him off to accuse him of selling stories on her. I can only find a good-quality video of it on Twitter because that's how 2019 works. Somehow more awkward than anything in the actual performance. She makes a whole panto of it but "DON'T SELL STORIES ON ME!", and his "you're just a brat!", seemed genuinely quite bitter in a way you never get on Strictly. This is why Dancing on Ice is better. More cunts.

I hear Saira Khan has been on Loose Women talking about how her children, who were in the audience thanking people for voting before their mum got dumped into the skate-off haha take that suckers, are traumatised by the fight or something, but I'm not actually going to look up Loose Women clips on YouTube to verify that. It does sound like the kind of thing you'd just make up as a cruel joke if you hate Loose Women, but then so does everything that actually happens on Loose Women.

Seconary highlight: Saara Aalto skating to herself singing 'Let It Go' from Frozen, while singing 'Let It Go' from Frozen, the same week she releases her new single, 'Let It Go' from Frozen. Respect the hustle.

Lowlight: Chris(topher Dean) constantly making references to the rehearsals. "It was going to be a 6.5 based on the rehearsals but I gave you a 6 because you did a poo on the ice which you didn't do in rehearsals", that kind of thing. Like he's gone "hmm, my first draft of this commentary had the number '6.5' in it... better still say that. Seems like a waste otherwise." It makes sense that the judges mostly decide on their scores and comments in advance, but they're not supposed to make it that obvious, right? When you've got to be off-the-cuff, try and slip it in there naturally, don't go "something different happened and now I'm going to have to be off-the-cuff about it! Everybody brace yourselves! I'm being off-the-cuff now!".

Richard Blackwood's gone by the way. Guess someone else can do a colonic joke if they like. I'm a week late to this post so my heart isn't really in it. It's on again tonight. Dancing on Ice not the colonic. Starting to think this really is quality TV. Dancing on Ice.

BlodwynPig

  • Throwing two dogs at a goblin
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2019, 04:27:34 PM »
Bilge, absolute bilge.

Isnt Anything

  • can i haz barrel-roll now plz ?
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2019, 08:19:17 PM »
Am being forced to watch this by Mrs Anything.

Surreal moment of the week so far - seeing the surviving Chuckle Brother in the audience holding up a sign for Didi.

Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #15 on: January 28, 2019, 02:57:40 PM »
was worth watching just to see gemma collins fall on her fat face and double bounce. So funny.

Clownbaby

  • Rachel, pleeeeee
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #16 on: January 28, 2019, 04:10:28 PM »
I wait for GC then I bail

Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #17 on: January 29, 2019, 08:28:48 AM »
i see she's now in a wheelchair cos of her so called injury's but vows to carry on. Lets hope this sunday is 'prop week.'

machotrouts

  • Member
  • **
    • Twitter
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #18 on: January 29, 2019, 08:33:52 AM »
I wait for GC then I bail

I think she had the same idea.



Delivers every week. Can't fault her.

The actual worst skater of the episode was Ryan the cricketer who looks like the bad sex man, on account of him not skating at all – he was given a bye due to what must be the luckiest groin injury anyone's sustained this week.

Best skater was Melody "I'm Primarily a Vocalist" Thornton, who dances quite well for a talent she only has secondarily. After a shambolic skate with various stumbles last week, they naturally chose her this week to be the first to do the notorious "headbanger", the move where the lead grabs the follower by the ankles and hurls them in an arc forehead-first to the ice, repeatedly ramming their skull into the rink until it caves in and their brains spill out across the studio, splattering the family members and celebrities in the front row. It went off without a hitch, she topped the leaderboard, and is now entirely dead. We will not forget.

Latest annoying Christopher Dean tic: starting his commentary by referencing something completely inane he's put in his notes. For example, Jane Danson does a dance and he looks down at his notes and says "'Dancing Danson', that's what I've put down here". Nice little peek behind the scenes there, thanks for that.

At least he's doing less of that thing where he takes a smug dramatic pause before giving his score. It was every fucking time last series. You don't have the gravitas mate. You almost always give the exact same score as Torvill anyway, and she doesn't make a whole thing of it. Usually she just winces and blinks uncomfortably like someone's shining a torch in her face.

You can all go fuck yourselves for landing Saara in the bottom two, but I suppose it's where she feels most at home. Fuck me, though, Saira must have got more votes? Would not have guessed she'd be the more popular Sa_ra.

In any case, Didi Conn was eliminated. I've been trying to get some Didi Conn jokes off the ground and I'm not sure it's happening, here's where we're at so far.


- You'll never guess who Jason Gardiner voted to eliminate from Dancing on Ice after she plummeted down the scores this week.
- Didi Conn descend the leaderboard?
- Yes he was quite rude to everyone.

- I hear Jason Gardiner was disappointed by Saara Aalto's skate this week.
- Didi Conn victor?
- No there's no need to get the police involved.

- Didi Conn often brings irrelevant props into the rink. This week, a furious Jason Gardiner marked her down for wearing boxing gloves, and snatched them off her backstage.
- Didi Conn for skate-off then?
- No he usually let her keep them.

- Jason Gardiner sold a story to the press about Didi Conn snogging Saara Aalto.
- Didi Conn necked with her?
- No I think this made things quite strained if anything.

- It feels like Jason Gardiner never really considered what he was going to say about her performances, just reeled off pre-written comments. It's like he's got a...
- Didi Conn template?
- No, I just told you, he put no thought into it at all.

- I heard Jason Gardiner voted to eliminate Didi Conn because of the structure she used to burn his three colleagues to death.
- Didi Conn's pyre with the other judges?
- No, he couldn't, they died.

- After her fall, Jason Gardiner cruelly voted to eliminate "the hole Gemma Collins left in the ice". He has since turned to religion to atone for his fatphobic joke.
- Didi Conn's a crater?
- I know he's religious now but that'd be a bit much.

- I hope Jason Gardiner doesn't mind me including him in all these jokes for my-
- Didi Conn tribute?
- No, I wrote them all myself.

- Jason Gardiner just sold another story to the press. He emailed The Mirror about one of the Dancing on Ice cast suffering from a tragic complication of pregnancy.
- Didi Conn ectopic?
- No that's disgusting, why would you want to see that?

- You wouldn't think it, but Didi really enjoys playing this racing game on the N64.
- Didi Conn racing?
- Yes.

- I hear Jason Gardiner attempted to console Didi Conn after her elimination by offering her a massage.
- And did he console?
- No just her shoulders.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2019, 09:32:02 AM by machotrouts »

gilbertharding

  • Not even the rudest man in the Beatles
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #19 on: January 29, 2019, 01:41:52 PM »
Never watched it, but do I remember Todd Carty appearing on it? I'm sure they showed clips on TV Burp.




Need to see this in slow motion.

Norton Canes

  • The leper heart will see you for what you are
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #20 on: January 29, 2019, 02:26:07 PM »
Is this the one where people really injure themselves badly?

BlodwynPig

  • Throwing two dogs at a goblin
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #21 on: January 29, 2019, 02:42:44 PM »
Is this the one where people really injure themselves badly?

That's the Jump.

machotrouts

  • Member
  • **
    • Twitter
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #22 on: February 08, 2019, 01:01:45 PM »
Didn't watch this live last Sunday because I was at a party. A board game party. I'm going to be honest with you, this post will mostly be about that.

I knew four people there – the man who invited me, his wife whose birthday it was, the wife's boyfriend (polyamorists), and the husband's boyfriend (polyamorists). I didn't bring a birthday present. I know the husband better – we go to the same tango class, so I am very well acquainted with the 5-inch stretch of him between his nose and sternum, the general body area it's considered least rude to look at when someone's leading you, so you don't freak them out by maintaining direct eye contact throughout a dance. That's the kind of social skill other people take for granted that I did have to be politely told by the tango teacher. Anyway, his wife I've met but know little about – I think she has or is doing a degree in something biological, like about guts and shit or something like that? It's not enough to base a present on, really. Hey, brought you some shit? Gut full of shit, for your degree? Nice bit of shit, in a gut? Best to bring nothing and hope they just put it down to my social skills.

I didn't know anyone else there, but they were very nice and patient with me, the frightened dishevelled stranger who has never knowingly played a board or card game, beyond an obligatory miserable family Monopoly in my childhood and a resounding defeat by a 10-year-old at Cluedo a couple of years ago. My circulation is not good enough to sit on a carpet for long periods of time, so I kept getting up and pacing around like I was playing a weird psychological metagame. I hope it didn't seem like I was just trying to snoop at their cards. "HIDE YOUR DECKS, I'VE GOT PINS AND NEEDLES", I neglected to shout. I ultimately came 5th out of 6 in a game of Evolution, then 3rd out of 6 in a subsequent game of Evolution. You might call that Evolution. There was also a card thing with robots and I was very bad and confused at that, though I was refreshing the Dancing on Ice app at the time so I wouldn't miss the 5-minute voting window.

Yes, I voted without watching it, but I wasn't prepared to give up my democracy streak for the sake of integrity. My 5 free votes – I would like to emphasise that they're free and I'm not a complete fucking maniac – went to Saara, Saara, Saara, Gemma, and Gemma, respectively. Happily, when I watched the recording back, I see I was completely right. Saara was great even besides my established affection, and Gemma basically stood on the spot and looked harrowed, which also I think is worth voting for.

Saira Khan was eliminated, which hopefully means my mum will stop being horrified when she asks who I voted for, because she's unable to accept for any extended period of time that Saira and Saara are different people. "You voted for Saara?" "Yes, who isn't the same person as Saira." "Oh, right, yes, I see." [5 minutes pass] "I can't believe you voted for Saira!" "I didn't, I voted for Saara." "Oh. Who's Saara?" "The Finnish girl. You like her." "Oh! I like her." [3 minutes pass, Saira comes on screen] "HER? You voted for HER?" "No. Saara. X Factor." "Oh. The Icelandic girl? I like her."

machotrouts

  • Member
  • **
    • Twitter
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #23 on: February 17, 2019, 04:35:51 PM »

machotrouts

  • Member
  • **
    • Twitter
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #24 on: February 24, 2019, 07:07:06 PM »
I failed to post about last week's Dancing on Ice last week, because I was too busy making the Gemma Collins GIF I forgot to make the previous week, but this has allowed for an appropriate period of sombre Gemma Collins reflection. To fill in anyone who's not watching, she died on the ice, and is dead now. She was too good at skating, and died of it.

With Gemma sadly deceased, I only really care for Saara, who was criticised last week after being plucked up by her blades and whirled around by her partner (as a move, not out of spite), and, to add more context for the rest of this paragraph, wearing black and white stripes. Jason Gardiner, furious, proclaimed "It looked like you were swinging around a zebra crossing!". Didn't really, though, did it. That's not an image. Not a thing. She was swinging around and she sort of looked like a zebra crossing, but "swinging around a zebra crossing"? That isn't evoking anything. It's like when he compared Amazon from Gladiators to a turd being flushed because she was wearing brown and skating in circles. She didn't. She just wore brown and skated in circles. Dancing on Ice is on again now and they included the zebra crossing remark in the last week montage. It's nothing. Nothing.

There was a three-way skate-off and double elimination last week, which I find stressful when Saara ends up middle of the leaderboard with a track record of people finding it very hard to give a shit about her. Sometimes it's like the rest of the British public didn't grow up with an online friendship circle consisting 80% of Scandinavian lesbians? The bottom three ended up being Ryan Sidebottom, Jane Danson, and Melody Thornton, who was 1 place higher than Saara on the leaderboard, and must have got fewer votes. Getting more votes than a Pussycat Doll in a dancing competition is about as meaningful as "The Independent Group" polling higher than the Lib Dems, but I'll take what I can get. The two celebrities eliminated were Jane Danson, who never didn't look she wasn't being held at gunpoint, and Ryan Sidebottom, who didn't wear his papier-mâché head even once in all his weeks on this show. Distressing and timewasting, respectively. Riddance.

Despite it being relentlessly, pummelingly, gruellingly awful year after year, I always watch The X Factor. One of the many problems is, I almost exclusively get invested in the first acts to be eliminated – the few who have a bit of personality and fun about them, invariably hated by the sorts of boring cunts who watch The X Factor. I loved Saara Aalto from her first audition, but she was eliminated at the Six Chair Challenge for, and I'm going to put this in italics, singing in French. Nicole Scherzinger shouted at her for it, and the audience booed her off. She smiled and waved as she left, hounded off stage in the most gracious manner possible. It's about as upset as I've ever felt watching any TV other than an election result – a blatant display of xenophobia, disturbing not just in the primal mob reaction, but in the legitimacy afforded to it in allowing it to be broadcast as entertainment. I half-typed something about how ill-conceived it was for ITV to have a stage of the competition where EU citizens are forced to sing for an audience intentionally whipped into a gladiatorial frenzy 2 weeks after the Brexit vote, but as if they gave a shit. They thought that was fine.

Of the many reasons this is troubling, one I won't dwell on much is why I apparently need to imprint on an X Factor contestant to feel personally invested in a political crisis, because I'm a fucking shit-for-brains infant. Jesus. What the fuck is wrong with my addled brain. Anyway back to more fucking paragraphs about a Dancing on Ice contestant.

Fortunes changed for Saara – 2 acts in her category dropped out with visa issues or whatever (probably not something I should be celebrating under the circumstances but moving on), and were substituted with Saara (and, er, Honey G). Happily making a mockery out of the notion that judges actually get to choose their own acts, "Sharon Osbourne" then chose Saara (and, er, Honey G) for the live shows. At least someone behind the scenes must have felt a bit guilty about what happened.

After the sheer miracle of her even making the live shows, I latched on to Saara as one of my I'll-vote-for-them-and-no-other-fucker-will acts, glad just to have her around for a week or two. After bumping along in several inevitable sing-offs, she somehow started barely winning the public round, and ended up popular enough to finish 2nd behind the sloth from Ice Age. Heartwarming. Now if that had only happened a year earlier, maybe we'd be in a different political landscape right now.

Another episode of Dancing on Ice is on at the moment. My 4th consecutive post in this thread will be about that.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2019, 07:39:18 PM by machotrouts »

machotrouts

  • Member
  • **
    • Twitter
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #25 on: February 24, 2019, 08:15:56 PM »
Rattled that off in a hurry before what I assumed would be Saara's elimination tonight. Last with the judges in two separate challenges, unsurprisingly not saved by the public, then somehow survives against Melody in the skate-off. Today she's been a worse skater than Brian McFadden, a worse skater than Brian McFadden, and a better skater than Melody Thornton, in that order. I don't understand any of it. Happy for her, as if this or anything matters. We all die but Saara Aalto made the top 4 in Dancing on Ice. Note how artfully I segued this into a Brexit thread in that last post in the hope it'd trick people into posting in the Dancing on Ice thread.

mothman

  • I don't know why
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #26 on: February 25, 2019, 09:50:59 AM »
We’re just... struck dumb by your brilliance, is all.

machotrouts

  • Member
  • **
    • Twitter
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #27 on: March 03, 2019, 08:30:59 PM »
Saara Aalto is a finalist now, after surviving another inevitable skate-off against, fortunately, Brian McFadden, who lost favour with the judges after absolutely CUNTING the fuck out of his partner on the ice. BOMBING her arse into the rink. (He dropped her.)

Cheeky bastard judges all making out that they were up for saving him before the fall, too. Negging Saara through to the final. "Much as it PAINS me to make this decision... WOULD that I didn't have to do this... I'm going to save... even though it makes me FUCKING RETCH to say this... ugh... Saa[HEAVE]ra and Hamish." The fuck on! Not having it. It's going to be hard for me to act like Saara is hard done by now that she's legitimately the worst one left in the show but just you watch me try.

Joining her in the final three are Wes Nelson (fit, frenetic, and with a near-permanent look of instability to add suspense, like one of his limbs is about to detach and cave someone's head in at 300 mph) and James Jordan (who got the first and second 40/40 scores of the series this week, because I'm sorry, did I tune into the BEING A TWAT contest by mistake? Oh no it's an ice dancing competition and he's good at it. You can see how I got confused can't you though? Because he's a twat yeah? Close bracket).

It's the final next week. Here are the posts from everybody excited about the final next week:

machotrouts

  • Member
  • **
    • Twitter
Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #28 on: March 10, 2019, 09:05:38 PM »
Well James won.

There's not been much mileage in this thread after all, so maybe we should pivot to talking about, I don't know, how about Vera? I caught an episode after Dancing on Ice a few weeks ago and WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? WHAT WAS THAT VOICE SHE WAS DOING? DO TV PEOPLE SERIOUSLY THINK THAT'S HOW NORTHERNERS TALK? IS THAT WHAT WE SOUND LIKE TO THEM? FUCKING HELL. DOG FUCKING SHIT. BOMB LONDON

Re: Dancing on Ice 2019
« Reply #29 on: March 10, 2019, 09:17:58 PM »
The only time I've seen Vera is in a cinema ad for ITV where she says something like "I guess that's why you like me."

That's a bit presumptuous of you isn't it?