CONSUME, PROLE

[touchingcloth]

Am I just some old square from the past, or does it feel like the capitalists (right on) have recently dreamed up more and more creative ways to convince us to buy pointless shit we don't need?

I'm not talking about iPhones and new cars, as pushing tech has ever been thus. Or even those Katherine Ryan eBay ads that could be summarised as "got too much pointless shit? Sell some of it with us so you can buy more!"

I'm talking more about the trend that seems to have begun now that new sofas and fitted kitchens are all a bit passé. There are numerous glossy ads out there for bespoke fitted wardrobes, and the other day I saw one for interest free credit free for a year fitted staircases. I mean, what. We used to make our own fun.

[Zetetic]

I assume these glossy ads are in Homeowner Monthly.

[touchingcloth]

Telly, mainly. But I have seen some in mags as well, and Private Eye.

Matte.

[Buelligan]

Ah god, you've really made it when you've got your own custom-made bespoke staircase. 

I can only dream of such a thing and make do with hand-me-down stairs, sure, they get me from A to B (up or downstairs) but it's simply not the same experience.  Imagine the luxury of as or de-scending on your own personalised treads, nothing shop-bought or prêt-à-porter about that.  Real class.

[Dex Sawash]

I built a set of stairs, they are absolutely fucked.
Yet do they call me Dex the Stairfucker?

[Buelligan]

I do now.

[Sony Walkman Prophecies]

Domestic renovation is definitely on the up in London, I know that. Every area I've lived in for the past 4 years - from Kensington to Leytonstone - has been a-whir with the sound of power tools first thing in the morning as foreign labourers rip out kitchens, lay down paving and install those mean little habitable sheds at the bottom of the garden everyone seems to want now. Along with the continual procession of home delivery vans blocking the drive every time I leave the house in the evening, it does make living in the capital a virtually unlivable situation.

There shouldn't just be planning permission for tinkering with your home base, in many cases, there should be written approval from a state-issued psychiatrist. "Why do you think you need this?" "Why do you think your neighbours should put up with all the noise?" And so on. Would be a start.

[Sebastian Cobb]

CONSUME
CONFORM
OBEY

Furniture and fittings have always had their dedicated fashion and 'aspirational' advertising associated with it. Double glazing etc was another one.

[Cloud]

Probably every single day being a National [SomethingContrived] Day all of a sudden seems to be a sign of this.  Hey!  Let's deem the 2nd Sunday in June "National Sofa Day" and seed it on Facebook, said DFS.   (There probably IS a national sofa day, I've not googled it)

That and every February, hey it's Valentines Day coming up, you'll LOVE our half price cheese graters

[Blumf]

I got one of them non-fitted staircases, or 'ladder' as the salesman called it,

[Kelvin]

Ah god, you've really made it when you've got your own custom-made bespoke staircase. 

I can only dream of such a thing and make do with hand-me-down stairs, sure, they get me from A to B (up or downstairs) but it's simply not the same experience.  Imagine the luxury of as or de-scending on your own personalised treads, nothing shop-bought or prêt-à-porter about that.  Real class.

When I were a lad, caves didn't even have stairs.



Luxury!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

If you ever get to the point where you get bored by your breadbin THAT'S THE POINT YOU NEED TO KILL YOURSELF FOR THE HUMAN RACE

[sick as a pike]

I had to buy some stairs last year as we didn't have any, and going up the ladder got a bit boring/precarious. I don't think that £901.78 is that much for a dependable means of safely travelling between the levels of one's house.

I'M GOING TO FUCKING RUN UP AND DOWN THEM RIGHT NOW.

[Buelligan]

Practically bullingdonian.  You disgust me and all right-thinking people.

[sick as a pike]

Come and join me, sitting on my lower Bullnose step, with Gideon Osborne.

CLASS WAR! (except the wrong way round)

[Blumf]

If you ever get to the point where you get bored by your breadbin

I denounce Shoulders?-Stomach! for the bourgeois act of owning a breadbin

[touchingcloth]

Literally. I dream of owning enough bread to need a bin when I'm queuing for the last slice.

[bgmnts]

I will admit I have a self stirring mug from Tiger. I love an occasional piece of shit tat. I don't know if it's expensive enough to be considered Shit for Cunts.

[pancreas]

Breadbins are awful. They keep all the moisture in and accelerate the moulding process.

Careful mate
Nominative determinism that
Nominative determinism mate
Careful.

[touchingcloth]

If you manage to let your bread stale or mould before eating it then you're either doing bread wrong or incurably bourgeois. Not even the crumbs had a chance to go bad in my home.

[BlodwynPig]

Each night I am thankful for the two slices of bread that I crawl in between and call my bed.

[touchingcloth]

You get two slices of bread and time to sleep? The fuck is this forum?

[BlodwynPig]

You get two slices of bread and time to sleep? The fuck is this forum?

I'm upper crust

[pancreas]

If you manage to let your bread stale or mould before eating it then you're either doing bread wrong or incurably bourgeois. Not even the crumbs had a chance to go bad in my home.

Hundreds of eyes peeping from the windows in your house. You enter the street. The eyes catch sight of you and disappear. There is a flurry of activity and running about. 'It's daddy! He's back! He's bringing bread!'. You open the door, having to push against a mass of flesh congregated behind it. The hands grasp through the crack. You push enough to create an opening and throw the bread in—all you have. You let the door slam, listening miserably to the screaming and tearing of clothes and skin as the hordes fight each other for every slice. After five minutes you sigh, enter the house, and start applying the germoline and elastoplasts.

[touchingcloth]

I'll sleep when I've bread.

[Maurice Yeatman]

Probably every single day being a National [SomethingContrived] Day all of a sudden seems to be a sign of this.  Hey!  Let's deem the 2nd Sunday in June "National Sofa Day" and seed it on Facebook, said DFS.

The DFS ads with the barefoot ladies lying on the sofas - are they photoshopped or are all the models four feet tall?

And don't try to tell me there are more important things in life to worry about.

[touchingcloth]

The DFS ads with the barefoot ladies lying on the sofas - are they photoshopped or are all the models four feet tall?

They're all four feet tall, but photoshopped to remove their shoes.