Snooker 2019

[Small Man Big Horse]

I worked in a snooker club for seven months back in the nineties and saw more violence there than I have over the twenty three years since I left the job (and I lived in Kilburn for sixteen years and currently reside in Walthamstow) so I'd suggest taking at least one gun with you when you play.

I was also fucking shit and my highest break was 9 (red, black, red) though I went through a period of being semi-decent at pool. Not anymore though, dear god no.

[Blue Jam]

I've got a couple of decent cues if you want one - one I found on my mum's driveway - pristine condition in case.

Oh that's too generous, and I'm not sure how you'd get it to me in Embra. I think I'll have to decline, but thanks.

The club has fairly decent ash cues as well as good tables- playing on some properly nippy baize took some getting used to after the Embra students' union, where we used to play on a table with a much-repaired threadbare cloth, using rattling old pool cues because the snooker cues and the half-decent pool cues kept going walkabout.

I worked in a snooker club for seven months back in the nineties and saw more violence there than I have over the twenty three years since I left the job (and I lived in Kilburn for sixteen years and currently reside in Walthamstow) so I'd suggest taking at least one gun with you when you play.

This one's in Morningside, nestled between a Pizza Express and a Waitrose... It seemed like a safe bet, very family-oriented as well as having incentives for wimmin to join. When we went the pool room was full of couples and families with teenage kids, and the snooker room was mainly old men and proper serious players with their own proper fancy cues in cases. We felt we had to keep our voices down and let everyone concentrate as opposed to shouting "WHERE'S THAT CUE BALL GOING?" and giggling as we used to do at the students' union.

I'm not sure about their club in Meadowbank though, or going at the Ledging Hour (it's also much cheaper during the afternoon) or when there's fitba on the big screens.

[BlodwynPig]

Well, if you're still playing when I get back to the UK, I'll leave one in a skip and disclose the location by PM.

[MidnightShambler]

In my Youth, I was a county, regional and international pool player until I ruined it all by not turning up to the European Championships, preferring instead to go to a nightclub, take two E's and wake up in a flat above a shop, 80 miles away from the venue, five hours after it had kicked off. My name was mud after that, if I'm honest.

I started to take the snooker i'd always dabbled with, to a decent standard, a bit more seriously after that and was considering turning pro but life got in the way, as it often does. Anyway, now all that ghastly showing off is out the way, here's the advice:

If you're just starting off, find a cue that feels right. Doesn't matter what it looks like or how much it costs. only that it feels right. At the risk of sounding all Kung Fu, when you find one, you'll know. Don't worry about the weight, your cue power will make all the difference on that score.

For the first few weeks, play everything 'plain ball'. That's to say hit the centre of the white (as best you can) and don't worry about side, screw etc until you can direct the ball in straight lines to more or less where you want it to go. There's no guarantee that will ever happen though, unfortunately some people will just never get 'it' and just can't improve. You'll find that out by your pot success rate just playing plain ball.

Have your breathing under control. One of the most important things that people miss. If you're not calm, you'll play erratically. I always take three normal breaths whilst cueing up then on my draw back, I hold my breath until the shot is completed. It might be different  for you but a breathing rhythm is really important.

In the first few months, don't try to hit things hard until you know what you're doing. Like anything, sort out the basics, learn your angles and then eventually the cue ball will start to do the work for you. Hitting things hard generally means lots of body movement in beginners and you'll cut across the white ball, that's where things get messy and your enthusiasm starts to drop. Keep it simple.

That's really all I can say about how to start out with the real basics without actually seeing you play, stances and bridges are different for everybody. My cue action is technically awful but it works for me, it's just a personal thing. However you feel comfortable at first, tweaks can come later on.

One last thing I will say though is that whoever it was (I forget) who said have one eye on what your opponent wouldn't want you to do, sorry but that's the worst thing you can ever do. You play the balls on the table, not the player. He can't affect the table while you're on it, he doesn't actually exist. The moment you introduce the human element into it then you're not focusing on the shot in hand. If you're trying to second guess your opponent, you're halfway to losing. Look at every option until you're happy you've chosen the right one, then play it. Usually it's the first one you see!!

Sorry for being long winded, I hope some of that helps!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

So if you are looking to play a snooker that isn't because you think the opponent will be in a more difficult position?

Every time you play a safety shot you are thinking about the opponent and making it more difficult for them so you extract an error you can capitalise on.

Obviously when you have devised that shot you concentrate on the shot and nothing else. I don't think we are disagreeing really.

Sorry if that didn't come across from my previous post.

[bgmnts]

Saturday afternoon join a snooker club... Just became a member of my local Ball Room, taking advantage of their "women join free" offer because WAH WAH MISANDRY they want to encourage more women to take up the sport. Finally got to play on a decent table and we had a lot of fun but it's a difficult game innit? Who here plays, and how do you git gud apart from just practicing? I could do with a few pointers or tutorials...

I like taking women to play snooker so I can look down their top or watch them bend over and imaging myself pinching their arse with my chalked hands.

[MidnightShambler]

Now you put it like that, no we're not. Your original wording sent it off in a different direction though, one that's a big no-no. But we'd be splitting hairs to carry on :)

Weirdly, when your opponent is at the table you should be concentrating on everything he's doing, looking for where he might make a mistake so you're ready to capitalise, almost playing every shot with him. Sports psychologists say that's a big no-no too but they're talking bollocks. When they asked Steve Davis what he thought about a player looking at the ceiling while his opponent was making a break he said 'show me somebody who does that and I'll show you a loser'. That's good enough for me.

It's the hardest sport in the world to play well consistently. You rarely see a pro golfer hit an 80+ round but I've regularly played with professionals who couldn't hit a 50 break if their lives depended on it some days! A few years ago my partner and I played Robbie Williams (world top 32 player) and his partner in our local league doubles competition. We won by about 150 points (it was played over a two frame aggregate score) and I think his highest break was 11. The following night we played his team in the league and he hit a 115. Such a frustrating game.

So if you are looking to play a snooker that isn't because you think the opponent will be in a more difficult position?

Every time you play a safety shot you are thinking about the opponent and making it more difficult for them so you extract an error you can capitalise on.

Obviously when you have devised that shot you concentrate on the shot and nothing else. I don't think we are disagreeing really.

[BlodwynPig]

I've seen Steve Davis looking at the ceiling in plenty of his matches.

[MidnightShambler]

I've seen Steve Davis looking at the ceiling in plenty of his matches.

I BET YOU HAVE YOU DIRTY OLD BOLLOCKS ETC

[Small Man Big Horse]

This one's in Morningside, nestled between a Pizza Express and a Waitrose... It seemed like a safe bet, very family-oriented as well as having incentives for wimmin to join. When we went the pool room was full of couples and families with teenage kids, and the snooker room was mainly old men and proper serious players with their own proper fancy cues in cases. We felt we had to keep our voices down and let everyone concentrate as opposed to shouting "WHERE'S THAT CUE BALL GOING?" and giggling as we used to do at the students' union.

I'm not sure about their club in Meadowbank though, or going at the Ledging Hour (it's also much cheaper during the afternoon) or when there's fitba on the big screens.

That sounds like it should be fairly safe, and I'm sure the majority are, and most of the violence that we suffered from was due to the manager's incredibly stupid "Pint for a pound" promotion he ran from 6pm to 8pm which led to people getting ridiculously pissed in a very short time.

[monolith]

Ali Carter refused to look at the table when Ronnie was playing in last year's World Championship, the fucking loser.



He did win that match though, to be fair...

[MidnightShambler]

Yes, serial winner of ranking events Ali Carter beats 5 time world champion Ronnie o'Sullivan after completely, verifiably refusing to look at the table at any point. Makes you wonder why he didn't turn a blind eye during his previous systematic defeats to anybody worth their salt if that's all it took.

He is a fucking loser. At the highest echelon, he's a loser. The same rules apply, dripping down the scale. Good players, at the top level, will often pull a result out because the margins are so small. Remind me again who Ali Carter lost to in his two World Championship final appearances?

[monolith]

Oh, I was being serious. He's won a couple of ranking events but he is absolutely a loser at the highest level, he has never won any of the big ones.

When I call Ali Carter a fucking loser, what I mean to say, is that Ali Carter is a fucking loser. The fucking loser.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I'd take his career in snooker. Over his Crohns, anyway.

[imitationleather]

Ronnie O'Sullivan's complete and utter disdain for Ali Carter as a human being is all the evidence I need, m'lud.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Carter's boiling point face has always looked like an 8 year old having a temper tantrum.

[imitationleather]

Carter's boiling point face has always looked like a heavily balding 8 year old having a temper tantrum.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Careful

Chemo that

Chemotherapy there mate

Careful

[imitationleather]

Careful

Chemo that

Chemotherapy there mate

Careful

Well he's got me there.

Guy's still a cunt, though.

[Blue Jam]

I feel a bit sorry for Ali Carter. He looks like GOB II and has ended up with a sporting career in the one sport that requires all the players to dress like magicians.

I had to admire his little smirk after the infamous shoulder barge. It was a supremely evil smirk:

https://youtu.be/1oOU3LU9UMc

Supervillain.

[Blue Jam]

Sorry for being long winded, I hope some of that helps!

You absolute ledge... and no need to apologise- that was a cracking read and very helpful, thanks for that. It deserves a proper reply and I've finally found the time:

If you're just starting off, find a cue that feels right. Doesn't matter what it looks like or how much it costs. only that it feels right. At the risk of sounding all Kung Fu, when you find one, you'll know. Don't worry about the weight, your cue power will make all the difference on that score.

I only want to git gud enough to feel more like I'm playing a fun game of skill than a frustrating game of chance, but if getting a decent cue will make the game more enjoyable that alone could make it worth it. When I borrow cues some feel better than others and it takes me a little while to find the "right" one, I'll note what feels "right" and what doesn't.

I remember reading that one top player [FAKE EDIT: Steven Hendry] won all his world championships using the cue he had as a kid and would have kept on using it if some clumsy airline baggage handler hadn't eventually smashed it up. If that's not an argument against spending £400 to get a rosewood butt with 24K gold inlays I don't know what is.

There is a snooker/pool shop near me and I might have a quick look in Crack Converters and see if some poor sod has had to part with a decent one. I'm guessing it's best to steer clear of any of those cues in Argos and Sports Direct with an endorsement by a pro who probably wouldn't be seen dead using them, if only because a little fake autograph on the butt looks naff...

Have your breathing under control. One of the most important things that people miss. If you're not calm, you'll play erratically. I always take three normal breaths whilst cueing up then on my draw back, I hold my breath until the shot is completed. It might be different  for you but a breathing rhythm is really important.

This is interesting- I've been doing Ashtanga yoga for about three years and that's all about how "the movement follows the breath". You have to remember to inhale on certain moves and exhale on others, and get the rhythm and the timing right. At first it's quite taxing but then it becomes second nature, and you note how exhaling when you should be inhaling (or vice versa) just feels wrong and makes things harder. Back to snooker, I noted I was "forgetting to breathe" a bit, so next time I'll try a bit of Pranayama breathing and see if that helps, cheers. I'd be interested to know if any sports psychologists have looked into this...

stances and bridges are different for everybody. My cue action is technically awful but it works for me

I struggle to keep the cue still with anything other than a loop bridge, my joints are all a bit hypermobile and I've got weird fingers that bend backwards a bit when I fully extend them. I can't go on being a bad workman blaming my tools though...

I could turn into a right geek about this so I'll stop right there... thanks again!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Would you use a cue autographed by Legend Gary?

I think I might

[Blue Jam]

Nah, he'd probably have farted on it or put it up his bum or something.

Mind you, if you could buy a Shaun Murphy branded cue you'd probably find that he'd done the exact same thing.

[Blue Jam]

Shaun Murphy's own cue is autographed by Jesus and inlaid with AIDS.

[MidnightShambler]

Shaun Murphy's own cue is autographed by Jesus and inlaid with AIDS.

Didn't he meet his wife on a born-again Christian forum or something? Then fuck her off sharpish when another better looking born-again Christian who didn't mind him dressing up as a baby came along?

The dressing up as a baby bit might not be true but i'll bet it is.

Also Blue Jam, glad I could be a bit of help. If there's anything else, just ask :)

[Blue Jam]

Didn't he meet his wife on a born-again Christian forum or something? Then fuck her off sharpish when another better looking born-again Christian who didn't mind him dressing up as a baby came along?

He's got a rigid stance on abortion but is a bit more flexible on the sanctity of marriage, aye.

I may have to pick your snooker brain again, cheers! And do keep posting...

[Blue Jam]

Managed to be a lot less crap down the snooker club today (thanks again, MidnightShambler) and Kylo Ren won the German Masters. Good snooker day.

[bgmnts]

How can Murphy equate his intense gluttony with his Christian beliefs?

[Blue Jam]

He's not a glutton, his weekly shop only consists of five loaves and two fishes.

[ToneLa]

He's not a glutton, his weekly shop only consists of five loaves and two fishes.

And a 2 litre bottle of Evian if it's a Friday night