Botched Jokes

[Sin Agog]

Was once in the audience of this cabaret thing with my dear old ma-ma (a woman who I think suffers from severe off-stage fright), and for some reason I forget the subject got onto space and chocolate bars, which left a thousand avenues for a reasonably successful heckle: Mars Bar, Galaxy, Milky Ways etc. What she decided to yell out at full volume was, "Twix!"

She later said that she meant to go with one of the obvious puns, but her brain went funny for a few seconds as she started to speak and it came out Twix.  Serves the lovely old bat right for inserting herself into every event we go to.

[hummingofevil]

Somehow ended up as part of my father-in-laws "hilarious" Men-from-the-club joke text group. If you remember when David Haye fought Vladimir Klitchko and for a week or so was biggest thing in UK and half country went to pub to watch it. Haye got thumped. Texts went like this (yes it's racist)

"David Haye, walked into the ring as a British hero, left as a p**i."

"Les mate, he's mixed race."

"Ok. Fair enough."

—-

The only other joke I got from same group was after Hurricane Katrina:

"Did ye nar that there was a Hoose In New Orleans? Well it's not there any more."

[Maurice Yeatman]

[Sin Agog]

Did I ever tell you the one about the dishwasher...?

[Maurice Yeatman]

Did I ever tell you the one about the dishwasher...?

My eyesight isn't great.

[bgmnts]

So that's what happened at Michael Barrymore's.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Somehow ended up as part of my father-in-laws "hilarious" Men-from-the-club joke text group.

Deso Bastard lation

[Sebastian Cobb]

Somehow ended up as part of my father-in-laws "hilarious" Men-from-the-club joke text group. If you remember when David Haye fought Vladimir Klitchko and for a week or so was biggest thing in UK and half country went to pub to watch it. Haye got thumped. Texts went like this (yes it's racist)

"David Haye, walked into the ring as a British hero, left as a p**i."

"Les mate, he's mixed race."

"Ok. Fair enough."

—-

The only other joke I got from same group was after Hurricane Katrina:

"Did ye nar that there was a Hoose In New Orleans? Well it's not there any more."

I've known several Les's over the years, one was running for the BNP and only one of them was definitely not racist.

[DrGreggles]

I've known several Les's over the years, one was running for the BNP and only one of them was definitely not racist.

[BritishHobo]

I once tried to make a girl I fancied laugh by launching into a routine about a school photo I'd had taken that day where the photographer had done a countdown but taken the picture before saying 'one', thereby catching me by surprise and making me look like a twat. It was a very tricky routine which required my brain and mouth and hands to all work in sync, which as you expect was no trouble whatsoever while talking to a girl I fancied. I meant to hilariously act out the photographer counting down from three, counting two, taking the picture of me, unprepared, looking like a twat, then counting one. What I actually did was act out a photographer counting down from three, and then taking a picture after 'one', as is perfectly routine. I then walked away and never ever talked to anyone again.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

I've known several Les's over the years, one was running for the BNP and only one of them was definitely not racist.

Were they afeared of the chives?

[Sherman Krank]

Upstairs
Me: Knock Knock
Nephew (aged 4): Who's there?
Me: Interrupting Sheep
Nephew: iterup...
Me: Baaaaah!!

Downstairs
Nephew: Knock knock daddy
My Brother: Who's th...
Nephew:BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

[mothman]

Michael McIntyre's "Send To All" takes a disturbing turn.

[flotemysost]

I went to an improv comedy show at the Leicester Square Theatre on my own a few years ago, and the performers were making up a story and encouraging the audience to call out suggestions as they went along. They got to a bit where they were implying an exotic, luxurious location and for some reason I said 'Hounslow' in what I hoped was a sarcastic/deadpan voice, except it came out sounding really serious and the people near me looked a bit confused.

Its shitness was compounded by the fact that Hounslow really isn't that bad, it's just a fairly average bit of Greater London, there are loads of other places I could have thought of that might have been marginally funnier but instead I just sounded like a humourless, militantly proud resident of a fairly nondescript borough.

[Soup Dogg]

Nah I think that's alright precisely because its so nondescript. Better than "Gaza", say.