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March 29, 2024, 12:59:15 PM

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bat man: "the dark knight"

Started by madhair60, January 14, 2019, 01:27:06 PM

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madhair60

bank manager: criminals in this town used to believe in things; honour, respect. look at you. what do you believe in? WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN!?

the joker: sorry, what? criminals?

bank manager: (looking around, blushing slightly) ...yeah

the joker: criminals. believe in things. that's just stupid.

bank manager: it is a bit stupid, yeah. i feel stupid having said it.

the joker: it's ridiculous. it's a total non-starter. criminals are defined by disrespect.

bank manager: for the law, yeah. look, i get it.

the joker: no, i don't mean to rub it in. it's just, shit, man.

bank manager: christ.

the joker: shit.

bank manager: look, you're missing your school bus convoy.

the joker: whoops! so i am. cheers mate. just pop this in yer mouth there~

(the joker places a gas grenade in the bank manager's mouth)

the joker: maybe that'll stop you putting your foot in it, eh

bank manager: (muffled chuckle)

madhair60

(the joker marches into a meeting of international gangsters. he sticks a pencil, point down, in the table)

gambol: what

the joker: if you work for me, i will give you, this pencil

(the mobsters appear to be seriously considering it)

madhair60

bruce wayne: so rachel this harvey dent seems sound

rachel: yeah he's good

bruce wayne: remember when you said if i wasn't bat man you'd let me up in that puss

rachel: (grimaces slightly)

bruce wayne: well harvey can get all this crime shit sorted so that's it, bat man's finished, let's crack on

rachel: actually bruce i am shagging harvey dent "two face"

bruce wayne: oh come on

rachel: yeah you can't really expect me to just not try and form relationships

bruce wayne: ...fine

rachel: are you having a batsulk

bruce wayne: ...no

(cut to batman standing on a gargoyle, brooding in the torrential rain. we slowly track in on his cowl)

bat man: this is bullshit

madhair60

lucius fox: you can infiltrate this complex using this technology i invented to map out the surroundings using a sort of pulse

bruce wayne: ah, like a-

lucius fox: (smiles) like a submarine, mr wayne

bruce wayne: what? no, i was gonna say like a bat

lucius fox: i know, i was d- it was a sort of wry subversion

bruce wayne: i'm bat man so

lucius fox: of expectation

bruce wayne: bats have sonar so you should have said a bat

(lucius begins to walk away)

bruce wayne: you should have said a bat. i'm bat man

madhair60

bruce wayne: welcome to my fundraiser for harvey dent "two face", this is him

harvey dent "two face": hiya

bruce wayne: look at his face, i endorse his face

harvey dent "two face": alright

bruce wayne: he's got a very good face, very free of blemishes; like his political career

harvey dent "two face": (gritting teeth) yep. got it.

bruce wayne: (gesturing to the left side of harvey's face) this bit specifically, absolutely airtight face. just flawless stuff

harvey dent "two face": laying it on a bit thick aren't you

madhair60

bruce wayne: too many people are dying, i'm going to tell everyone i'm the bat man

harvey dent "two face": i'm the bat man

bruce wayne: oh, this screculous cunt!

rachel: sit down

bruce wayne: this is doing my head in rachel

madhair60

(the joker blows up the batmobile with a bazooka)

the joker: yes, get fucked batmobile

(batman launches out of the wreckage on the batpod)

the joker: aw, what

constable gordon: just when i thought that thing couldn't be any more mint

the joker: i thought you were dead!

constable gordon: oop (crouches down behind a bin)

madhair60

(batman, using the batpod, swerves underneath the joker's oncoming truck, launching a few shots)

the joker: he missed

(the truck launches into the air)

the joker: oh, he didn't miss, he just tangled up the wheels causing the truck to do a flip

(the truck slams hard into the ground, now upside down)

the joker: fair play to the mad cunt

madhair60

the joker: i kidnapped harvey and your missus

bat man: unbelievable. you cunt

the joker: yeah you have to pick one

bat man: nah i'll just send constable gordon after the other one

the joker: ...fuck

bat man: (on phone) hiya constable gordon, harvey's been tied to a bomb or something at 250 52nd boulevard, can you go and get him please

constable gordon: (on phone) yeah alright, you can count on me, bat man.

(constable gordon puts his phone down and returns to his baked potato)

officer: shouldn't we-

constable gordon: (mouth full) it's fine. it'll be fine

madhair60

officer: alright constable gotham hospital has been evacuated

constable gordon: great stuff lads, every floor?

officer: yep, every floor, 1 thru 7

constable gordon: and the basement yeah

officer: (pause) sure

constable gordon: that pause was fucking suss. did you forget to evacuate the basement?

officer: (pause) of course not

constable gordon: good, cos that's where they keep paediatrics

(gotham hospital explodes in an enormous fireball. the colour drains from the officer's face. constable gordon throws his arm around him)

constable gordon: job's a good 'un officer

madhair60


lucius fox: good god. you took my sonar concept and applied it to every phone in the city.

bat man: sure did

lucius fox: how

bat man: doesn't matter

lucius fox: i really feel like this is something you should explain

bat man: so, got any more cool bat shit

lucius fox: don't change the subject

madhair60

the joker: i have rigged two ferries with explosives and given each boat's detonator to the other

bat man: oof

the joker: yeah it's like a test of humanity, it's all, you know (slightly waves arms) all that mad shit i was saying

bat man: well the joker you are wrong about the people of gotham and humanity, inside us all is the capacity for

(the ferry full of prisoners explodes)

the joker: you were saying bat bitch

bat man: honestly? i'm embarrassed

madhair60

harvey dent "two face": well constable gordon i will flip this coin and if it's tails i'll kill your kid, that's chaos, that's chance, that's the only thing that's just and fair in this world

constable gordon: how is it "just and fair" to put my son in a 50/50 life or death situation he would never have been in without your intervention

harvey dent "two face": it's random, the universe is cruel, the flip of a-

constable gordon: no, it's not random, you are choosing to do it. your logic is fucked in the arse. you just want to murder a kid

harvey dent "two face": (grinning slightly) alright. you got me. i do just want to murder a kid

constable gordon: knew it. full-on bellend

madhair60

bat man: the joker and harvey dent "two face" have been apprehended and the world is safe

constable gordon: yeah but gotham has lost its symbol of justice in harvey dent "two face"

bat man: (getting on the batpod) yeah. sucks. well, see ya

constable gordon: mind if i tell everyone you killed him?

bat man: what

constable gordon: you know, cos you can take it? the chasing, i mean

bat man: no, don't do that

constable gordon: (on police frequency) the bat man killed harvey dent "two face"

bat man: AWWW WHATTTT

constable gordon: he's a silent guardian

bat man: (beginning to drive away) you're a fucking dick

constable gordon: a watchful protector

bat man: (in the distance) fuck yourself

constable gordon: a dark knight

bat man: (too far away to be heard, but definitely hateful)

THE DARK KNIGHT

~Fin~

madhair60

next thread: the dark knight rises (early 2022)

previous thread: bat man begins https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,48917.0.html

Shoulders?-Stomach!

#15
Alan of Gotham: omm  that's against the law im going to get you done
Batman: oh fuck off Alan
Joker: Yeah fuck off Alan who asked you Alan

Robin: Yeah Alan
Batman & Joker: You can shut it too, yeah fuck up you tosser

lazyhour

Don't make us wait another 3 years  :-(

Pingers

Thanks for making me smile, these are great cheers thanks

Dannyhood91


Joker: Do you know how I got these scars?

Gambol: You're a criminal. You pissed someone off and they cut your face up. I'm a mob boss. I understand this shit.

Joker: Fair enough, but I'm still going to somehow restrain you with one hand on your shoulder and put a knife in your mouth whilst you do nothing to defend yourself.

Gambol: But I'm played by Michael Jai White. Fucking look at me!



Joker: Jesus...

Gambol: Exactly.

Joker: Would you like to be my daddy?

Gambol: What?

Joker: Sorry, I mean you remind me of my father. He was a drunkard and a fiend. And I want him inside of me.

VelourSpirit

Laughed out loud at every one of these