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Britain's Worst Standups

Started by Mark Steels Stockbroker, January 16, 2019, 11:43:10 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Blinder Data

Quote from: checkoutgirl on January 18, 2019, 07:44:55 AM
If it all counts then me being bothered by a comedian stuttering is valid too. I'm not having a go. I'm not showing up to all his gigs heckling him. Part of a comedian being enjoyable for me is the delivery. Impediments have an effect on delivery.

That does not make him a bad comedian though. His impediment affects your enjoyment - fine. That's on you, not him.

His stutter isn't even that prominent anyway.

Sebastian Cobb

I once went to a local night with a stand up with a properly bad stutter, it definitely ruined the delivery and at one point he was struggling to get his words out at all. It was physically uncomfortable. I admire the guy's bravery though.


Kitson's nothing like that though.

JCR

Quote from: checkoutgirl on January 18, 2019, 10:55:13 AM
There are many fans who want to hear the same jokes like a band playing the old hits.

Glenn Wool's shows usually always start with material about failing to become a movie star, have done for donkeys years.  The same material was shown on Comedy Central in the S. Lee Alternative Comedy show as well.

It is funny and no one seems to mind though.

thenoise

Quote from: imitationleather on January 18, 2019, 02:46:56 AM
Hmm. That's actually quite funny. If that is genuine Chubby Brown that is some vintage stuff for him.

You see what I mean? Harder than it looks.

Actual Chubby Brown lyrics

Quote
Wee-Hee, well it's Saturday night
And I ain't got a light but I don't give a shite,
Cos I'm off to the Discotheque.
Waa-Hoo, I'll be fucking them on the floor and up against the door,
And I'll fuck them and I'll suck them till my bell ends raw,
Kiss my dick will you make it quick,
Oh no Toss me off, fucking birds get on my fucking nerves.
Well it's just my luck that I won't get a suck but I don't give a fuck,
Cos I'm off to the Discotheque.
Waa-Hoo oh yes bollocks to the left, bollocks to the right,
Swing your bollocks, and get the fucking thing right,
I'm pissed off but I'm no Fred Astaire you know.
Toss me off, fucking birds get on my fucking nerves.

Etc etc.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

QuoteI reckon I could knock one out in an afternoon

Over Chubby Brown songs? That's sick

grassbath

Quote from: thenoise on January 19, 2019, 07:18:26 AM
You see what I mean? Harder than it looks.

Actual Chubby Brown lyrics

Etc etc.

I'm only familiar of the lowness of Roy 'Chubby' Brown's work through hearsay, but that is even worse than I expected. It's not even funny rudeness/sweariness, it's just a bunch of uneven lines with lots of swear words in. No humorous through-line or narrative, which I would have thought the bare minimum for a comedy song. Not a single funny rhyme or mental image in there. And lines that don't even make sense - 'I'm pissed off but I'm no Fred Astaire you know' - why 'but?'

Sometimes a standup can bomb horribly with the wrong audience.  About twenty years ago, I saw a support act make some joke about sniffing Vick, to which the audience (mostly 30s-40s, middle class in Kent) responded with baffled silence.

He looked at us all and huffed tetchily.  Then, in the manner of a disappointed teacher: "Now, you didn't understand that joke because you've never taken Ecstasy.  But if you ever had done....you'd have pissed yourselves laughing."

His act didn't recover, and I'm still none the wiser about the Vick (and can't be bothered to google).

Quote from: rectorofstiffkey on January 19, 2019, 10:24:31 AM
Sometimes a standup can bomb horribly with the wrong audience.  About twenty years ago, I saw a support act make some joke about sniffing Vick, to which the audience (mostly 30s-40s, middle class in Kent) responded with baffled silence.

He looked at us all and huffed tetchily.  Then, in the manner of a disappointed teacher: "Now, you didn't understand that joke because you've never taken Ecstasy.  But if you ever had done....you'd have pissed yourselves laughing."

His act didn't recover, and I'm still none the wiser about the Vick (and can't be bothered to google).

Was this at the Old Vick?

Quote from: grassbath on January 19, 2019, 09:12:52 AM
'I'm pissed off but I'm no Fred Astaire you know' - why 'but?'

Because of his initial deluded expectation, he's pissed off.  The 'but' is him coming to self-knowledge and realising his limitations in a wry, resigned way.   That's my take on the matter, with my analytical approach to grammatical semantics.

Quote from: Phoenix Lazarus on January 19, 2019, 10:30:38 AM
Was this at the Old Vick?

:-) no, it was at a small university theatre in a very conservative town (in  the holidays so students weren't there), which you would have thought might have tipped him off that he might just be addressing the wrong demographic....

Brundle-Fly

"And I'll fuck them and I'll suck them till my bell ends raw,"

Now, if I was Roy, structurally I would have been inclined to swap the 'fuck' and the 'suck' around to finesse it.

Quote from: Brundle-Fly on January 19, 2019, 11:11:51 AM
"And I'll fuck them and I'll suck them till my bell ends raw,"

Now, if I was Roy, structurally I would have been inclined to swap the 'fuck' and the 'suck' around to finesse it.

Does the 'I'll suck them' even make sense?  What is he sucking, and to whom does it belong, and why would it induce rawness?  I'm confused now.  you're right that swapping makes it a little clearer, but there are still questions to be asked here.

QuoteWee-Hee, well it's Saturday night
And I ain't got a light but I don't give a shite,
Cos I'm off to the Discotheque.
Waa-Hoo, I'll be fucking them on the floor and up against the door,
And I'll fuck them and I'll suck them till my bell ends raw,
Kiss my dick will you make it quick,
Oh no Toss me off, fucking birds get on my fucking nerves.
Well it's just my luck that I won't get a suck but I don't give a fuck,
Cos I'm off to the Discotheque.
Waa-Hoo oh yes bollocks to the left, bollocks to the right,
Swing your bollocks, and get the fucking thing right,
I'm pissed off but I'm no Fred Astaire you know.
Toss me off, fucking birds get on my fucking nerves

I feel sorry for anyone who finds this at all humorous beyond a mild level of amusement at the puerility of it.

jobotic

My discotheque days are over, but I don't remember all that going on anyway.

Although this appears to be a night Roy had a gay discotheque, unless I'm reading it wrong.

Quote from: jobotic on January 19, 2019, 11:53:38 AM
My discotheque days are over, but I don't remember all that going on anyway.

Although this appears to be a night Roy had a gay discotheque, unless I'm reading it wrong.

The 'fucking birds get on my fucking nerves' line would suggest so.  It shows Roy's imagined sexual act are not with the other sex.

Brundle-Fly

Second verse

Here comes Johnny with his cock in his hand he's got one bollock missing,
But he's off to the Discotheque.
He's well hung but he's just got one lung,
And he licks all the women with a six inch tongue,
Well he's no fool he as a fucking big tool,
You know, Toss me off, fucking birds get on your fucking nerves.
It's a Saturday dance I've a bulge in me pants, going to eat some pussy,
Cos I'm off to the Discotheque.
I'll fuck all night and I'll suck all day,
Well you can't beat a gobble and you can't beat a lay,
I hope and pray I don't get aids this way,
Toss me off, fucking birds get on your fucking nerves.
Oi who are you laughing at I'll shove that fiddle up your fucking arse you twat


He does like sucking , doesn't he? 

And yet again Vasey doesn't reverse the sexual acts in the lyric. It's all over the place. And who brings a fiddle to a disco anyway?

I'll fuck all night and I'll suck all day,
Well you can't beat a gobble and you can't beat a lay
,

grassbath

Quote from: Brundle-Fly on January 19, 2019, 12:05:42 PM
Second verse

Here comes Johnny with his cock in his hand he's got one bollock missing,
But he's off to the Discotheque.
He's well hung but he's just got one lung,
And he licks all the women with a six inch tongue

Ok, this is quite funny. If only because Roy's recognized that Johnny the invented sexual superman isn't quite crude enough - he'd better have a bollock missing as well, that's funny that is, when someone's only got one bollock.

olliebean

Quote from: rectorofstiffkey on January 19, 2019, 10:24:31 AM
Sometimes a standup can bomb horribly with the wrong audience.  About twenty years ago, I saw a support act make some joke about sniffing Vick, to which the audience (mostly 30s-40s, middle class in Kent) responded with baffled silence.

He looked at us all and huffed tetchily.  Then, in the manner of a disappointed teacher: "Now, you didn't understand that joke because you've never taken Ecstasy.  But if you ever had done....you'd have pissed yourselves laughing."

His act didn't recover, and I'm still none the wiser about the Vick (and can't be bothered to google).

Apparently (had to google it myself) sniffing Vicks Vaporub whilst on ecstasy intensifies the high. I doubt most people would know that, frankly, even if they'd taken ecstasy.

lankyguy95

If you think the Chubby Brown song lyrics are awful, just wait till you read the YouTube comments on his videos. Soul-deadening.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: Blinder Data on January 18, 2019, 11:35:35 AM
That does not make him a bad comedian though.

I know, I said I just threw that in for extra and admitted to getting the thread wrong. What do you want from me my man?

checkoutgirl

Quote from: JCR on January 18, 2019, 04:59:58 PM
Glenn Wool's shows usually always start with material about failing to become a movie star, have done for donkeys years.  The same material was shown on Comedy Central in the S. Lee Alternative Comedy show as well.

It is funny and no one seems to mind though.

I saw David Cross twice over about a 3 year period. I swear 30% of his last show appeared in the second appearance. Stuff like that used to be commonplace but is much more frowned upon now in our post Louis CK do-a-new-special-every-year world.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: rectorofstiffkey on January 19, 2019, 11:15:15 AM
Does the 'I'll suck them' even make sense?  What is he sucking, and to whom does it belong, and why would it induce rawness?  I'm confused now.  you're right that swapping makes it a little clearer, but there are still questions to be asked here.

When he says "bell end" is he referring to an actual bell that he has and the actual end of this bell? Does he mean the bell has ended as in ceased to exist, or does he mean the lower part of the bell? And when he says it is raw does he mean uncooked?

checkoutgirl

Quote from: Brundle-Fly on January 19, 2019, 12:05:42 PM
Well you can't beat a gobble and you can't beat a lay[/i],

Even a stopped clock...

checkoutgirl

Quote from: olliebean on January 19, 2019, 12:27:51 PM
Apparently (had to google it myself) sniffing Vicks Vaporub whilst on ecstasy intensifies the high. I doubt most people would know that

If 100% of people get 100% of the references then you've got Peter Kay, think of that.

Quote from: olliebean on January 19, 2019, 12:27:51 PM
Apparently (had to google it myself) sniffing Vicks Vaporub whilst on ecstasy intensifies the high. I doubt most people would know that, frankly, even if they'd taken ecstasy.

I wish I'd written the joke down now.  I'm curious about whether it was actually funny.

imitationleather

Quote from: olliebean on January 19, 2019, 12:27:51 PM
Apparently (had to google it myself) sniffing Vicks Vaporub whilst on ecstasy intensifies the high. I doubt most people would know that, frankly, even if they'd taken ecstasy.

I consider myself to have taken ecstasy more than the average person over the course of my lifetime and I have never, ever heard that before.

Tough crowd.

Bobby Treetops

Quote from: rectorofstiffkey on January 19, 2019, 02:07:13 PM
I wish I'd written the joke down now.  I'm curious about whether it was actually funny.

You can also sniff poppers to intensify the ecstasy high, there's definitely more comedy material there then Vicks.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: imitationleather on January 19, 2019, 02:09:17 PM
I consider myself to have taken ecstasy more than the average person over the course of my lifetime and I have never, ever heard that before.

I've definitely heard of it, it was a 90s thing. Never did it though.

jobotic

I've taken ecstasy and I am from Kent. I've never heard of it but maybe I'm not supposed to have.

Andy147

Quote from: grassbath on January 19, 2019, 09:12:52 AM
I'm only familiar of the lowness of Roy 'Chubby' Brown's work through hearsay, but that is even worse than I expected. It's not even funny rudeness/sweariness, it's just a bunch of uneven lines with lots of swear words in. No humorous through-line or narrative, which I would have thought the bare minimum for a comedy song. Not a single funny rhyme or mental image in there. And lines that don't even make sense - 'I'm pissed off but I'm no Fred Astaire you know' - why 'but?'

Having listened to it on Youtube, I think he says "well I'm no Fred Astaire".

There were other changes from the lyrics quoted, but if anything they made the song even worse.