Ever been singled out by a stand-up?

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I rarely if ever bother with stand-up shows nowadays, mainly for the kinds of reasons given on this page¹.  An hour-long piece that's already been honed, and doesn't need to keep referring to what the audience does for a living to stay afloat, is usually fine with me.  Otherwise stand-up comedy just doesn't bring anything to my life, and if anything subtracts from it.


¹  NEW PAGE CUNT

[thegammonboys]

I rarely if ever bother with stand-up shows nowadays, mainly for the kinds of reasons given on this page¹.

Agreed. It's all so tedious after a while.

I was having a horrible time of it personally and the last place I wanted to be was a bloody amateur standup night in bloody Cradley Heath

That's one of the weirdest nights I've ever been to. The compere was this really creepy old guy who tried to chat up a teenage girl sitting with her mom. There was also a disabled comic on (same deformity as the last leg guy) who described him as looking like 'hank the caretaker from scooby doo.' After his set, 'Hank' riffed some material about the disabled guy losing a watch up his girlfriend's vagina to absolute silence.

Horrible, horrible stand up comedy.

[Ferris]

I was singled out by Rob Brydon when I was quite (very) drunk. Upon finding out I was a philosophy undergraduate, well... the jokes write themselves.

[Bronzy]

Once saw Al Porter outside a bar in Dublin, he beckoned me over and he was very friendly

[j_u_d_a_s]

I wasn't the one singled out but I will never forget this story. Was at a new material night, small room above a pub kind of thing. One guy, whose name I cant remember but I'm sure has long given up, was dying on his arse. The only thing in his set I recognised as a joke was him saying how for their anniversary they got their wife something expensive, a hit man! Anyway it's obvious to everyone in the room that he's not killing it so in his wisdom he started to pick on the audience, in particular one guy looking at a newspaper on his table.

"What's that you're reading?"

"The Guardian"

"Ah, that's why he's not laughing"

"That's not why I'm not laughing"

There was a lovely sound of laughter quickly followed by a sharp intake of breath. The comic looked wounded for a second before pulling on a fake smile, saying it's all bants innit and leaving the stage to sympathetic applause. A career died that night.

[the science eel]

I walked out on Ben Elton, Newcastle Uni, 1986. He nodded in my direction once I'd stood up and then 'oh there goes another of those bloody liberals!' as I walked out - and I muttered 'fuck off', but of course nobody heard.

[machotrouts]

When I was a child, 12 or thereabouts, I went with my parents to see a comedian, I don't remember who. I think there were only 1 or 2 other people in the entire "audience". It was a hard show for him. One joke he told, and I don't remember that either, required a few answers from an audience member as a setup, and, slim pickings, he asked me – nothing humiliating, no piss-taking, just a few basic biographical details, what's your name, how old are you etc. I went along with it until, just as he was about to end his line of questioning, I got tired and cut him off with "can I not be involved in this, please?". He wrenched one last answer from me with an earnest "no, but, please, just..." then spluttered out whatever the intended punchline was, comic timing ruined, no reaction.

I'm not 12 anymore and hopefully I wouldn't do that now, but I've not really been singled out since then. I saw a lot of shows at the last Edinburgh Fringe and almost always chose to sit in the front row, once I realised I was too visibly pathetic for any humane comedian to pick on. No physical disabilities or anything. Just generally not a capable-looking man. Faintly pitiful aura.

[Dusty Substance]

A couple of times. Once, about 15 years ago, by a magician comedian. He asked to me inspect a pair of handcuffs before clasping them around his wrists with his hands behind his back. I'm no dummy when it comes to magic tricks and they seemed like proper cuffs but of course he quickly got out of them. I didn't enjoy being on stage and I actually had a teeny bit of a panic attack.

Recently I saw a comedian who I kind of know but had never met in person (I was a guest on his podcast) and when he realized it was me sat in the front row he got me up on stage to kill a bit of time. This was a much bigger venue and the gig hadn't been going that well. My mate filmed the whole thing of me on stage and you've never seen anyone more clearly desperate to get back to their seat. I was staggeringly embarrassed.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

I walked out on Ben Elton, Newcastle Uni, 1986. He nodded in my direction once I'd stood up and then 'oh there goes another of those bloody liberals!' as I walked out - and I muttered 'fuck off', but of course nobody heard.

You could have been a Tory.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

he started to pick on the audience, in particular one guy looking at a newspaper on his table.

"What's that you're reading?"

"The Guardian"

"Ah, that's why he's not laughing"

"That's not why I'm not laughing"

There was a lovely sound of laughter quickly followed by a sharp intake of breath. The comic looked wounded for a second before pulling on a fake smile, saying it's all bants innit and leaving the stage to sympathetic applause. A career died that night.

Just wish he'd answered, 'no-you're the reason we're not laughing.'

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

Just wish he'd answered, 'no-you're the reason we're not laughing.'

Why? That's not as funny as his actual answer, it's too on-the-nose.

[DrGreggles]

There was a comedian en route to dying at a corporate night a few years ago who decided to pick on some lad who was making his way to the toilet a few minutes into his act.
The comedian had just made a joke about Babestation  (it was that era) and said "Off to have a wank, mate?"
Without missing a beat the bloke said "Nah, just going for a piss before the comedian comes on."
Lovely stuff.

[St_Eddie]

Not overtly but I've posted about Rich Hall taking exception to me before...

I once went to see Rich Hall do standup at a small venue and he kept silently growling, baring his teeth whilst glaring directly at me, straight in the eyes like a dog defending its territory, throughout.

True story.  It was very unnerving.  I guess he just didn't like the look of me (can't say I blame him).

I have to avoid watching him on TV nowadays because every time that I do, I can't stop thinking 'that man hates me'.

There's also this...

I went to a live recording of The Jonathan Ross Show back in 2003 (I only went because Radiohead were there to perform live and I was a massive fan at the time).  The warm up guy came up to me and asked me what I did for a living.  I was off-work at the time, for personal, medical reasons and so, as a deflection for the awkward question, I replied with "uh, I'm unemployed because I'm a lazy bastard", which got a laugh from the audience.  The stand up guy looked slightly annoyed, paused for a moment, trying to think of a further put down, failed to do so and responded with "um... okay", before scuttling off to another audience member, who was too shy to say much of anything and so he took the piss out of him instead.

I'm usually a socially awkward, fumbling mess, so I was kind of proud to have been able to think on my feet and scupper any potential insults from the stand up guy on that occasion and elicit a laugh from the audience whilst doing so.  One of the few moments in life where I didn't make a complete arse of myself.

And with that, it should be noted that I reuse more material than your average stand-up.

[St_Eddie]

Frank then asked me if I liked Michael Jackson, and I replied "No, I'm not a big fan of paedophiles". And that's when the booing started. And got louder. And louder. Okay, about 20 to 30 people may have laughed (and were just about audible from the stage), but the other 980 or so? It's pretty safe to say they weren't impressed. I've got to confess to being a little surprised by their reaction too, most people I know have pretty dubious feelings towards Jackson, and I stand by my views on him as well having researched it all a fair amount.

Urgh.  Like you, I've done my research and sadly I don't find it in the least bit surprising that the majority of people are unwilling to acknowledge the more than likely peadophilia of an artist, simply because they like their music.

"But I enjoy Michael Jackson's music, therefore I cannot possibly acknowledge his dubious behaviour because vicariously, that would mean that I support peadophilia!".  No, moron.  You can enjoy someone's art and at the same time, find their personal behaviour to be abhorrent.  I have no qualms about enjoying the works of Michael Jackson and Roman Polanski.  That's not a reflection of my views of them as people.  Having said that, I despise Gary Glitter but that's only in part due to his behaviour.

[hummingofevil]

Yeah loads. It 90% my own fault as have a thing about sitting on the end seat and am a big, hairy man so ripe for bit of audience-friendly piss taking.

Best ones were being on stage with Paul Daniels and being the subject of the Whose Line Is It Anyway gang's finale improv song. Colin Mochrie playing me whilst Josie Lawrence serenaded him was quite the privilege.

I was on stage with PD for his incredible moving cups routine. As I walked up I saw he had a second orange in the fold of his wrist and felt oh so smug. He then did routine flawlessly right in front of me but I knew, I was onto him. He then lifted the last cup to reveal a grapefruit. He was little master of his act that man.

Never had anything particularly awful happen but being on stage with Harry Hill was shit as he expected me to be funny. The key thing with crowd work has to be never to expect the crowd to be funny. It's not like we getting paid to be...

[Brundle-Fly]

Just wish he'd answered, 'no-you're the reason we're not laughing.'

Or, 'no, I have recently been diagnosed with Glioblastoma multiforme'.

[Dogbeard]

Not exactly what the original question asked, but I was at a Derren Brown show with my wife and he did a trick where he got people to write confessions on a bit of paper in the interval and put them in a bucket, then in the second half would grab one of the confessions, get everyone in the audience to stand up, then gradually sit them down in the process of narrowing it down to the person who wrote the confession. This particular time the confession was something along the lines of the person did a shit at a friend's house and the bowl was still messy after flushing. Embarrassed by the shit splatter and lacking any more appropriate implement they ended up using their friend's toothbrush to clean it. It wasn't my wife who wrote it but out of the whole audience she was one of the final two standing, her and the actual person. No idea how the trick works but either Derren thought she looked the type to do that or it could have been anyone else standing there. Either way, her red, embarrassed face shown on the screen above the stage was very amusing to me.

[Bently Sheds]

John Shuttleworth rambling about the re-jigged Toblerone having more spaces than triangles making it "structurally unsound", he points to me and says "You look like a Civil Engineer, sir. You understand."

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Or, 'no, I have recently been diagnosed with Glioblastoma multiforme'.

Or "fuck off, cunt."

[hummingofevil]

I've just remembered a good one. Tony Law did a gig at The Stand Newcastle in the middle of what he now talks about as his "it's not the best idea to try to resolve decades-long issues with alcoholism by introducing narcirotcs to the mix" phase.

Was a kind of glorious shit-show and he basically sat down, refused to leave the stage (his daughter was watching from the shadows) and talked shit. It was almost brilliant. Anyway..,

As big Tone Zone fans myself, my girlfriend and her mother and sister were all sat front row. At one point he points to all three of them, each in turn and says:

"I'd.... all of you... and each for a different reason."

It was fucking awkward to say the least (they all fancy him anyway so wasn't quite as offensive as it sounds).

Anyway. The good news is he's sober now and his latest show is great fun so go see.

[SpiderChrist]

Comedy Store midnight show, centre of front row, 2003(?). McIntyre & Yashere had a bit of fun at my expense, but there was there this other cunt (forget his name, Phil somethingorother possibly) who focussed on me for almost half his set, calling me "Tinkerbell" and finishing by singing a lovesong to me without breaking his gaze. Cunt.

[Crabwalk]

A pre-fame Frankie Boyle singled me out at a late show in the Edinburgh Stand once. He took exception to my coat for some reason (it was a big blue parka).

'Where are you from?'

'I live in London'

'Whereabouts?'

'Camberwell'

'What are you, the Lord of Camberwell?'

Reader, I am not posh in the slightest so nobody really knew what he was getting at and he moved on. Maybe he thinks parkas are a posh coat? Or it was a race thing? Anyway, the rest of his set was pretty good.

[Crabwalk]

A more nerve-wracking moment happened during one of Todd Barry's crowdwork shows in London a couple of years back. If you're not in-the-know he is an absolute master at the art of crowdwork and can easily spin an hour of gold with no pre-planned material. He's not cruel to people but he is phenomenally sharp and I didn't fancy being part of the show so sat towards the back of the small room, with my pal.

I totally misjudged my booze intake before the show though, and 40 minutes in I was absolutely bursting for a piss. Another guy was clearly in the same boat and made his move for the loo. I thought, this is my chance and followed him as deftly as possible.

The door closed behind us and we lined up at the urinals and sighed with relief. We then heard Todd say to the crowd 'Those guys think I didn't notice them don't they? Which one do you think I should destroy?'. He got a big laugh, and the two of us in there looked at each other and simultaneously sighed 'Oh no'.

I don't think I've ever wished I were invisible as much as when I made my way back to my seat. Thankfully, Todd either forgot about us or thought we looked dull. Luckily, I wasn't wearing my parka that night.

[neveragain]

Dame Edna injured my uncle by flinging a gladioli into his eyes.
We also got drenched in saliva from Sir Les Patterson.

It was genuinely a tremendous show.

[fatguyranting]

I always get picked on as a result of being big and bald. Now when they ask me what I do for a living I just say I'm a vivisectionist because it leaves them no room for laying on the faux abuse. More than once a stand up has hassled me at the bar afterwards for 'ruining their flow'.

[DrGreggles]

Oh, Adam Riches once got me to sit on his knee and play 4 harmonicas.
To both our surprises I was OK at it, but I don't think I was meant to be.
It was good fun though.

[Blinder Data]

Been called up onstage for few things including a Derren Brown show but not actually had much involvement from comedians, strangely enough.

My friend's girlfriend was however singled out by a stand-up (who posts on here!). He asked her about penises iirc and unfortunately her first language wasn't English so all that followed was a few seconds of awkward silence before he moved on.

And my bro was singled out by Kitson during a WIP and it actually went really well, he didn't take the piss at all, my bro's reply sent Kitson down memory lane reminiscing about starting out as a stand up and ringing up Mark Thomas for advice. Good times.

[An Actual Propeller]

Saw Mat Ewins do a multimedia-type show where he gets somebody on stage (i.e. me, obviously) to read a bit of script into a mic in order to communicate with aliens or whatever the wacky premise was.  So I do it, and I sit back down again.  And he plays my recorded bit backwards over the PA to reveal that I actually said "I am a paedophile".

Good one.  The audience laughs at the stitch up, and the lad next to me gives sympathy laugh, says "sorry mate", and I reply "it's funny cos it's true!"  The lad's face turns to shit, faces the front, and tries not to make eye contact with me again during the rest of the show where various callbacks are made about me being a nonce.  First show of the festival I'm at as well, excellent.

[kngen]

Posted here before about my horrendous experience in the front row of a Simon Amstell gig (he criticised the way I was sitting a couple of times - leaning forward at a rather uncomfortable angle because the arsehole beside me was manspreading like a total cunt, and even digging my elbow into his side wasn't getting any traction.)

It was mild enough, but I live in fear of having to interact with anyone as an audience member (and my heart sank when my wife told me we had front row seats), so the rest of the show was a blur of suppressed flight instincts and a choking fear he was going to return to me. In typical l'esprit de l'escalier fashion, I should have said: 'I would sit normally, but this cunt is taking up all the room' - not exactly witty, but would have deflected attention away from me. As it turned out, Amstell finished off his set excoriating that dick anyway, as he was staring at the ceiling as Amstell was winding up. 'Wow, that was really embarrassing,' he said to his partner after the ordeal ended. 'Good, you fucking cunt,' I thought to myself - but my main feeling was that Amstell was a bit of an arsehole, and I really didn't feel like watching him in anything after that.

[Replies From View]

Not exactly what the original question asked, but I was at a Derren Brown show with my wife and he did a trick where he got people to write confessions on a bit of paper in the interval and put them in a bucket, then in the second half would grab one of the confessions, get everyone in the audience to stand up, then gradually sit them down in the process of narrowing it down to the person who wrote the confession. This particular time the confession was something along the lines of the person did a shit at a friend's house and the bowl was still messy after flushing. Embarrassed by the shit splatter and lacking any more appropriate implement they ended up using their friend's toothbrush to clean it. It wasn't my wife who wrote it but out of the whole audience she was one of the final two standing, her and the actual person. No idea how the trick works but either Derren thought she looked the type to do that or it could have been anyone else standing there. Either way, her red, embarrassed face shown on the screen above the stage was very amusing to me.

She didn't write that confession but I bet she has done that before (surely it's a fairly generic scenario when it comes down to it?).  It's her friend's fault for not owning a toilet brush.