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Ever been singled out by a stand-up?

Started by Jockice, January 19, 2019, 12:49:41 PM

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Dogbeard

Quote from: Replies From View on January 21, 2019, 04:17:03 PM
She didn't write that confession but I bet she has done that before (surely it's a fairly generic scenario when it comes down to it?).  It's her friend's fault for not owning a toilet brush.

I'd just use some scrunched up bog roll. After a flush it ought to be sufficient. I mean there are a number of things I'd probably use before taking the extreme step of using a friend's toothbrush to clean shit out of a toilet and then letting the friend carry on using it.

Ferris

Quote from: Replies From View on January 21, 2019, 04:17:03 PM
She didn't write that confession but I bet she has done that before (surely it's a fairly generic scenario when it comes down to it?).  It's her friend's fault for not owning a toilet brush.

A "generic scenario"?!

You are never coming to my gaff (again).

Replies From View

Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on January 21, 2019, 05:36:06 PM
A "generic scenario"?!

You are never coming to my gaff (again).

Well, shit striking the sides of the toilet bowl above the water line and not flushing away must be fairly common?  What's bizarre is insisting on the absence of a toilet brush to deal with it.

Replies From View

Quote from: Dogbeard on January 21, 2019, 05:25:49 PM
I'd just use some scrunched up bog roll. After a flush it ought to be sufficient. I mean there are a number of things I'd probably use before taking the extreme step of using a friend's toothbrush to clean shit out of a toilet and then letting the friend carry on using it.

As long as you give the toothbrush a bit of a rinse they needn't know.  May want to dry it as well if it's fairly late and they're about to use it, as they'll get suspicious if it's randomly wet.

Take care not to clean the germs off, though.

Sebastian Cobb

I once did a shit at a mates that left a horrid mess but there wasn't a brush so I left it and got chastised.

True story.

Replies From View

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on January 21, 2019, 05:50:34 PM
I once did a shit at a mates that left a horrid mess but there wasn't a brush so I left it and got chastised.

True story.

And did Derren Brown notice?


Ferris

Quote from: Replies From View on January 21, 2019, 05:47:10 PM
Well, shit striking the sides of the toilet bowl above the water line and not flushing away must be fairly common?  What's bizarre is insisting on the absence of a toilet brush to deal with it.

Ah ok. I thought you meant the use of someone else's toothbrush to scrub the bogs was a generic scenario.

Scrunched up bog roll is the correct answer, so points to whoever suggested that.

Replies From View

Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on January 21, 2019, 06:03:00 PM
Ah ok. I thought you meant the use of someone else's toothbrush to scrub the bogs was a generic scenario.

I didn't say anything about toothbrushes until Dogbeard's comment.


Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on January 21, 2019, 06:03:00 PM
Scrunched up bog roll is the correct answer, so points to whoever suggested that.

Well except that sometimes the shit sticks under the waterline as well, so you'll be dabbling away with shit water going on your hands.

Seriously - when did owning a toilet brush become such a taboo?  So what if when you lift it up to use it there's a few flecks of shit on it?  It's a room where shitting happens and when you're dealing with shit spattered down the side of a toilet bowl you're not really in a position to tut at the state of a toilet brush.

I went to the toilet when a mediocre stand-up was doing his best in an Aberdeen pub and he razzed me with "Mr Bean is in town". Luckily he had already lost the crowd and hardly anyone was still listening to him by that point. Not hard to see why.

Quote from: thecuriousorange on January 21, 2019, 06:30:17 PM
I went to the toilet when a mediocre stand-up was doing his best in an Aberdeen pub and he razzed me with "Mr Bean is in town". Luckily he had already lost the crowd and hardly anyone was still listening to him by that point. Not hard to see why.

That would have been a better comment if you were coming back from the toilet-pun on Bean/been!

Ferris

Quote from: Replies From View on January 21, 2019, 06:29:20 PM
Seriously - when did owning a toilet brush become such a taboo?  So what if when you lift it up to use it there's a few flecks of shit on it?  It's a room where shitting happens and when you're dealing with shit spattered down the side of a toilet bowl you're not really in a position to tut at the state of a toilet brush.

Agree wholeheartedly - I have one, but only so guests don't feel tempted to use my toothbrush instead.

Dogbeard

Quote from: Replies From View on January 21, 2019, 05:47:10 PM
Well, shit striking the sides of the toilet bowl above the water line and not flushing away must be fairly common?  What's bizarre is insisting on the absence of a toilet brush to deal with it.

Well if someone were insistent to me on the absence of a toilet brush, I would find it a questionable thing to harangue me about and then I probably would consider a bit of brush-on-bowl intrigue in order to settle matters with the rum cove.

Beagle 2

Quote from: big egg on January 19, 2019, 03:49:46 PM
Raymond Mearns took the piss out of me for most of his set at the Stand in Glasgow when I was a student, for looking like a student. Crowd lapped it up and I felt a bit shit. This was about 12 years ago. Didn't think he was a particularly great comedian anyway but its funny how something like that can really turn you against the person. And it does pretty much ruin the night in terms of how you feel coming away from the gig. Why Mearns why?

Mearns had a pop at me as well - he was dying a slow death and I was one of the ones politely sitting through it, but people were filing out from about a quarter of an hour in. He was chasing them towards the door swearing at them to put some money in the bucket, it was all very depressing. Then he decided to have a pop at me but I didn't really know what he was talking about so I was unable to join in with the classic banter. One of the insults he threw at me was "Winston Churchill hair". I just had it in a regular side parting and Winston Churchill was not famous for his hair.

What an arse head.

hummingofevil

Quote from: Blinder Data on January 21, 2019, 02:29:24 PM
And my bro was singled out by Kitson during a WIP and it actually went really well, he didn't take the piss at all, my bro's reply sent Kitson down memory lane reminiscing about starting out as a stand up and ringing up Mark Thomas for advice. Good times.

Despite Kitson's reputation I've only ever really see him go for someone with genuine dislike and that was this summer. Two absolutely pissed up cunts sat right at front and about 70 mins in the fella said something like "so are you going to tell us what all all this is about then". He initially half responded to them and instead addressed the audience about how the house team warned him about them before the show. The fella then piped up again and DK called him and his missus a pair of "pissed up cunts" which annoyingly made rest of the room feel awkward but made them laugh.

TBF, in the tension the room missed the fella saying what was one of best audience lines ever which was (with guy pissed, eyes rolling with dopey smile on his face)

"I only came to see you because I thought we had both slept with the same woman but it wasn't you it was David O'Dougherty."

Like I said, it was wasted on crowd as they'd taken against him but I think that is one of best heckles ever.

Bronzy

Quote from: Beagle 2 on January 21, 2019, 10:34:09 PM
Mearns had a pop at me as well - he was dying a slow death and I was one of the ones politely sitting through it, but people were filing out from about a quarter of an hour in. He was chasing them towards the door swearing at them to put some money in the bucket, it was all very depressing. Then he decided to have a pop at me but I didn't really know what he was talking about so I was unable to join in with the classic banter. One of the insults he threw at me was "Winston Churchill hair". I just had it in a regular side parting and Winston Churchill was not famous for his hair.

What an arse head.

I always imagined in real life he's just like the character he plays in that Limmy's Show sketch:
https://youtu.be/BSTh2p3mWVo

This experience somewhat supports my opinion, I think.

turnstyle

Paul Foot. Sat on my lap and simulated intercourse. Was ok.

Neil Mullarky. Absent-mindedly rested my foot on the stage while he was performing and he (probably rightly) tore me apart in a humourous fashion much to the delight of the audience. Paul Merton looked on with a wry smirk as I was admonished.

I was at a Stewart Lee gig once and someone got up for a piss half way through the set. Lee singled him out and called him a 'Christmas Cunt' (it was Christmas, obviously). I really needed a piss too but held onto it until Lee had left the stage, where upon I ran to the facilities and power washed the urinal off the wall and into space.

Endicott

Quote from: SpiderChrist on January 21, 2019, 01:13:57 PM
Comedy Store midnight show, centre of front row, 2003(?). McIntyre & Yashere had a bit of fun at my expense, but there was there this other cunt (forget his name, Phil somethingorother possibly) who focussed on me for almost half his set, calling me "Tinkerbell" and finishing by singing a lovesong to me without breaking his gaze. Cunt.

Nicol? Sounds like the sort of thing he'd do. I'd have laughed, sorry.

Sebastian Cobb

Michael Redmond (Father Stone) laid into me when he was compare at The Stand, possibly because I was sat by myself, he asked me that and I gave him ammunition by saying 'I've got no mates'. Although he did buy me a pint and had a chat during the interval.

TheDHolford

A fair few times, though totally my fault. Always try to get the front row and centre, or as close as  I can. Mainly because my girlfriend hates and fears it so much. Jimmy Carr and David O'Doherty spring to mind for more recent ones. But there's been an awful lot.

Best one has to be Jimmy Carr, can't remember the tour, must have been in 2013, I'd just turned 18, and gotten very drunk with my friend who's birthday the day after mine. He'd spoken to us a few times, since my friend has one of the loudest belly laughs I have ever heard, then in the second half (after a few more pints were had) He invited me up on stage with him, and another girl from the audience, I remember there being a script and it was a sort of sitcom, with Jimmy doing his usual put downs, since I'm ginger haired and more than a little drunk at this stage. I know it ended with me having to sing YMCA in front of the crowd at the Doncaster Dome, that was an experience. Even met him after and he was so nice about it all, apologizing, giving me a free poster and signing some stuff.

Remember walking into Mark Watson's show and there being a large box on stage, talking to my friend in the front row, and when the lights went down Mark Watson jumped out of the box, scared the shit out of us, he must have been in there for nearly half an hour. Before he started to ask us about the conversation we'd been having and giving us free books that he signed after the show.

David O'Doherty called out my girlfriend a couple of times when we saw him, front row, first she tried to take a sneaky picture of him in the show and he saw. Halting the show and making us do a sort of photo shoot with him, having the crowd stand and applaud as he posed for the pictures. Then he started the usual chitter-chatter about her job.

Saw Richard Herring's best of, my girlfriend not really laughing at one point before Herring seemed to notice and then aim the entire routine at her, getting closer and closer, thankfully she found it all hilarious, even though she'd never heard of him before that night.

Forgot about this one, my ex got us tickets to see Ross Noble in York, front row, and between the monkey-references and randomlol bollocks, my ex's cardie got his attention, and they started bantering about stuff, where you come from, what's your job and all that.  He switched to me, and asked me my job.  Unfortunately my ex and me both work in IT, and she's already gave the "I work in IT" answer, so scared of being lumped in with her boring IT job, I stole a line from an old Steve Coogan routine and told him I was a food tester for Sugar Puffs.  Well, fuck.  I wish I gave the IT answer.  He bombarded me with questions about how I test the sugar puffs, do I test them in a lab, are test tubes involved, do I test any other cereals etc, and I had to think on my feet with a thousand people looking on intrigued about the sugar puff testing process, for what felt like forever.  He also told me that he was going to come back to me, because he thought of summit else to talk about, probably carrier pigeons with Toberones strapped to them or summit, and I was on edge for the rest of the show, about an hour.  Brutal.

NattyDread 2

Not really a stand-up gig, but John Sparkes and Pete Baikie at the Fringe 10+ years ago. My better half questions my decision to sit right at the front and I assure her 'it won't be that sort of show'. Cut to me half an hour later wearing a cornflakes box over my head and John Sparkes chucking plastic spoons at me for reasons I can no longer recall. Was great though and I got a wee wink (oi) off him at the end.

Small Man Big Horse

This didn't involve me but it's a bit of a weird one, as last night I went to a local comedy night where Jamali Maddix was headlining and during his set a woman who was sat behind me started filming him, he politely asked her not to but she just ignored his request and carried on doing so, and a bit of a stand off ensued. The whole room was completely on Jamali's side, and understandably so as it was a shitty thing of her to do, especially as some of his material was brand new and being tested out, but the arrogant way she completely ignored him and carried on filming was incredibly annoying and it sucked the energy right out of the room. She stopped after about two minutes and Jamali went on easy on her, but I wouldn't have blamed him if he'd ripped her apart.

C_Larence

I was in the audience of a Pappy's show at a festival and the bald one told me to cheer up, because I wasn't laughing, or even smiling I guess. I've always thought of that one as an indictment on them rather than me.

BritishHobo

Has anyone ever been cajoled on stage at a Brian Gittins gig?

holyzombiejesus

I got singled out by Daniel Kitson too. Last year at one of the Hebden Bridge shows, he compared me to Hitler and made me move seats so my "judgmental face" wasn't in his eyeline. When he did Mouse in Liverpool, he asked me what I was getting out of my bag. It was a jumper.

Not a comedian but at a Bobby Conn gig once, he came right up in to my face and sang a song 'at' me. It was fucking horrible.

St_Eddie

Quote from: holyzombiejesus on January 29, 2019, 12:15:18 PM
I got singled out by Daniel Kitson too. Last year at one of the Hebden Bridge shows, he compared me to Hitler and made me move seats so my "judgmental face" wasn't in his eyeline. When he did Mouse in Liverpool, he asked me what I was getting out of my bag. It was a jumper.


Utter Shit

Back on topic, once in a very drunk state I did a 3am shit at a mate's student house, then immediately realised there was no toilet roll. Having quicky decided on, and then dismissed, the idea of having a shower to wash the shit away (would make me look insane having a shower in the middle of the night at a mate's house, if anyone were to wake up), I used the only thing that was available...the packaging that the toilet roll came in. At the time it seemed like a logical thing to do, except obviously plastic wrapping doesn't flush.

There is no amusing farcical ending to this where I try to escape the house with the shitty plastic and end up getting exposed at the worst possible moment. I just left it in the toilet, went back to bed and then fucked off first thing in the morning before anyone realised what I'd done, like a hungover-and-still-drunk coward. Never had any comeback on it, so I'm assuming everyone that lived there was fine with my behaviour.

Bronzy

Quote from: Utter Shit on January 29, 2019, 02:21:22 PM
Back on topic, once in a very drunk state I did a 3am shit at a mate's student house, then immediately realised there was no toilet roll. Having quicky decided on, and then dismissed, the idea of having a shower to wash the shit away (would make me look insane having a shower in the middle of the night at a mate's house, if anyone were to wake up), I used the only thing that was available...the packaging that the toilet roll came in. At the time it seemed like a logical thing to do, except obviously plastic wrapping doesn't flush.

There is no amusing farcical ending to this where I try to escape the house with the shitty plastic and end up getting exposed at the worst possible moment. I just left it in the toilet, went back to bed and then fucked off first thing in the morning before anyone realised what I'd done, like a hungover-and-still-drunk coward. Never had any comeback on it, so I'm assuming everyone that lived there was fine with my behaviour.

Is your mate a stand-up comedian?

Rich Uncle Skeleton

Of course, they got a good thirty minutes of material out of it.