Possible lovesickness

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

He's marvellous for his age.

Aren't you around the same age as me? You can fuck off too, then !!!!

NEW PAGE VAGINA !!!!!

[Twed]

Where is the last thread like this with the advice on how to deal with stupid feelings?

At the moment I am feeling all cut up over a girl - bear in mind I am a man in his 40s. Early 40s, mind. We had a very brief thing and now she's gone back to her life and just wants to be friends. It's all for the best - she's much much younger, we don't really have anything in common - I know all this but it doesn't stop me checking my phone all the time for a message I know won't be there.

And I know it will pass but I haven't felt like this for a long long time and it's awful. It's compounded by tiredness and stress at the moment but even so, I can't work out why my body hates me so much to be pumping these hormones round my body.

So, anyone else lovesick at the moment or got themselves into a stupidly hopeless situation they can't quite leave alone? And what's the answer?

I'd much rather be full of regret for drunken fingering antics. Although I will be full of regret for posting this when I wake up.

I feel you. This pain is healing. As Buelligan says, time will make it easier.

When I go through this I think about the good, beautiful things and try not to feel bitter that they have gone away, but so happy that we shared them. She will never share those exact things with anybody else, and as long as you remember them they're still real. Beautiful pain.

[Buelligan]

I have really strong feelings for one of my best friends. We met when we were both about 15 (we're in our early thirties now) and I immediately felt something for her. We always had a laugh and poked fun at each other, but there was a genuine shared affection and we ended up being able to talk about personal stuff with a great degree of honesty and frankness. She's the one person I know I can go to with a problem and she'll be completely open with me and not beat around the bush. I've always wanted us to be more than friends - I've never felt this way about anybody else, inculding women I've been in relationships with if I'm totally honest. Maybe it's something to do with me feeling that way when I was so young, when my emotions were so rich and full (these days I'm quite damaged and knackered) but I still feel something really special for her.

This is all complicated by the fact that she's one of those people who always end up with abusive dickheads. Over the years I've seen her go through several relationships with men who invariably turn out to be absolute pricks, who cheat on her, abuse her physically and mentally, sexually assault her... Really nasty stuff. Without going into too much detail, her mum was fucked in the head and set her up for this from a really young age. Every time she goes out with somebody new, I try to hold out a bit of hope that this time will be different, but it always ends up the same way. It's pretty harrowing to see somebody you care about being hurt over and over like this, particularly when you have feelings for them. Sometimes I have to take a step back because it's too painful.

Occasionally, especially when I'm emotionally vulnerable and she's in a bad spot, I find myself really falling for her and wanting to step in and tell her how I feel; offer her a way out of all the abusive shit... I have no idea if she could have feelings of that kind for me, or if we're compatible in that way - I'm really bad with figuring out that kind of stuff. A couple of times I've come close to telling her, even to the point that I told my girlfriend how I was feeling (I feel shitty about that now because it upset her a lot as you'd expect, but at the time I was very close to revealing how I felt to my friend)... In the end I came to the conclusion that it was all too complicated, with us both being in relationships, and that it would be unfair to dump this on her at such a difficult point in her life - her relationship was getting really crazy and I didn't want to create another problem for her instead of being there as a friend.

When I consider telling her I generally come to the conclusion that if I was going to do something I should have done it years ago, and that it probably wouldn't work because I'm so different from the men she usually goes for (not being an absolute cunt for a start)... But in my heart I really want to be with her. I have to actively stop myself from going down this road in my head because it can make me go a bit crazy if I let it. It does niggle at me sometimes though, the idea that maybe I could be the person she has always needed in her life; that we could have something truly special and make each other happy. I'm probably just being a silly bugger when I think that, but I'll never know unless I put it to her - I've wanted to for the best part of twenty years now. Makes me feel a bit pathetic at times.

I started reading this and I thought, No, you should never tell her - you could destroy all the trust and end this great friendship but as I got nearer the end, I thought, really, she's unhappy, you're unhappy, OK, you could lose this one beautiful thing you have but, apart from that, what've you got to lose?  And also, why live out a life regretting never trying, with all the could'ves that you'll never be able to answer?

On balance, I'm thinking, maybe you should just tell her everything but bear in mind, you probably already know the answer.  You sound like you know you're not her type (but you may be quite wrong).  Also, a beautiful long term thing probably isn't best based on helping her - it's best based on both being equal and loving and respecting each other not as adults and children, not as victims and saviours but as two honest adults who care more about each other than themselves.

So, FWIW, I'd plump for living alone and being happy with that.  Heheh, sorry.  I hope it all works out though.

Oh, and finally, that remark about her mum fucking her up at an early age.  Made me think, wouldn't it be great if we could all see those problems in ourselves?  Imagine how easy stuff would be if we saw our own fucked-up-ness and could fix it and move on to fatter fish immediately?  Ahh, that'd be good.

[checkoutgirl]

Fuck Off, Mate !!!

And another!! Boof, eat my goal.

[checkoutgirl]

He's marvellous for his age.

'ppreciate that. Nice one.

[checkoutgirl]

As Buelligan says, time will make it easier.

But it's been 20 years and it hasn't gone away!! His post read to me like something out of a Hollywood film. Everything in the film at this stage would be screaming at him to serenade her at her window with a boombox or something. I wonder if that ever works in real life.

[Buelligan]

You realise we're talking about two different people and scenarios, do you?  Early onset I'm thinking.

[checkoutgirl]

You realise we're talking about two different people and scenarios, do you?  Early onset I'm thinking.

I banged my head quite badly a couple of months ago actually. You've triggered me.

[Small Man Big Horse]

God, when I think of all the unrequited crushes I had who I never shagged (or even got within a thousand miles of shagging) I'm quite jealous.

Nah, it's worse when you've slept with them. It's only happened to me once, back when I was at university we became friends, a one night stand took place, I buggered off home to Surrey for the Easter holidays and when I returned she had a new boyfriend (who's married to her to this day). I tried to deal with my feelings but about a year later I snapped and told her how I felt but alas it wasn't reciprocated. And all along I knew just how amazing the sex was, and that I'd never have it with her again which made it ten times worse.

Also: Flouncer - tell her! Or I'll kick your fucking head in.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

Aren't you around the same age as me? You can fuck off too, then !!!!

NEW PAGE VAGINA !!!!!

Older. A few years.

[Endicott]

On balance, I'm thinking, maybe you should just tell her everything but bear in mind, you probably already know the answer.  You sound like you know you're not her type (but you may be quite wrong).  Also, a beautiful long term thing probably isn't best based on helping her - it's best based on both being equal and loving and respecting each other not as adults and children, not as victims and saviours but as two honest adults who care more about each other than themselves.

Yeah, this. I'd expand more explicitly though on what Buellers said - she has to be single. You can't do this as a get out for her, Flouncer. And you have to be single as well, otherwise you're being shitty to your gf. Tricky one to organise I know.

[Chollis]

[Jockice]

Nah, it's worse when you've slept with them. It's only happened to me once, back when I was at university we became friends, a one night stand took place, I buggered off home to Surrey for the Easter holidays and when I returned she had a new boyfriend (who's married to her to this day). I tried to deal with my feelings but about a year later I snapped and told her how I felt but alas it wasn't reciprocated. And all along I knew just how amazing the sex was, and that I'd never have it with her again which made it ten times worse.

Also: Flouncer - tell her! Or I'll kick your fucking head in.

In my early 20s I become obsessed with a girl who had started at my workplace a few months before and I'd became really friendly with. Only trouble was she was engaged. But I went for a drink with her after work one night and blurted it all out. However, instead of telling me to bugger off, as I was fully expecting, she leaned over and kissed me. And that was it. The dawning of one of the most miserable periods of my life. I never got to shag her (I did get a handjob once though) but I totally lost my senses for quite a while.

Just to make it more complicated I met her fiance several times and thought he was a decent chap and then there were two other blokes from work fighting for her affections. Not sure why, she was more the girl next door type than a great looker. But she was definitely giving off some vibes. One of these colleagues I think got nowhere in a sexual sense but was determined that her and I weren't even going to be friends to the extent that he'd make up things I'd supposedly said about her and tell her.  I never said a word. The other one just used her sexually and boasted about it. To me anyway. Again I never said a word. But at least he was the one she eventually told her husband-to-be about. I think I was left in the clear. But the whole thing was fucking horrible.

Fast forward almost three decades on and I met this woman for the first time since shortly after these days at another former colleague's funeral. We had a brief - quite friendly actually - chat. She's now married to the guy who was her fiance and has several children with him (or at least I hope they are) and is still living in the same house as when I used to go round and snog with her while *** was in the kitchen making us dinner. I don't have any hard feelings towards her nowadays (in any sense of the word) but still sometimes wonder what the hell I was doing. I still can't explain it.

[Jockice]

Incidentally, when the whole thing was going on my dad told me that before he started going out with my mum he had a girlfriend with exactly the same name as this woman. So that makes one of us...

[Buelligan]

Yeah, this. I'd expand more explicitly though on what Buellers said - she has to be single. You can't do this as a get out for her, Flouncer. And you have to be single as well, otherwise you're being shitty to your gf. Tricky one to organise I know.

Oh god yeah, absolutely that.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Btw Flouncer, don't do the "I've loved you from afar for decades" thing, that might frighten her off, just say something like "Listen love, you've got nice tits, I've got nice tits, why don't our tits get together?", if that doesn't work I'll eat my hat. Admittedly it is made out of candy floss, but it's a nice hat that I've grown fond of and I don't want to end up shitting it out.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Btw Flouncer, don't do the "I've loved you from afar for decades" thing, that might frighten her off, just say something like "Listen love, you've got nice tits, I've got nice tits, why don't our tits get together?", if that doesn't work I'll eat my hat. Admittedly it is made out of candy floss, but it's a nice hat that I've grown fond of and I don't want to end up shitting it out.

:-D No " Fuck Off " for you, SMBH !!!!!!

[Icehaven]

...still sometimes wonder what the hell I was doing.

What you were doing?!

[Replies From View]

I think you answered yourself hun, all things must pass.  Think of it like having a cold, you feel shit, your eyes run but you get over it.  Keep warm, nice bit of soup, plenty of juice, you'll be right.

And, maybe, next time, try it with someone you have commonalities in common, like, with.  Just saying.  I know, I am your mum.  Hugs.

I read that as soap at first.

Nice bit of soap.

[Jockice]

What you were doing?!

I don't think anyone involved in that 'love' quintangle came out of it with any credit at all. Apart from perhaps her fiance.

[Emma Raducanu]

I used to fancy a girl I was friends with. She was a bit older than me, she'd had a string of relationships and had a contraceptive implanted into her arm because she liked a shag. I didn't make much of a secret about liking her but made sure it was light hearted enough and it was part of the dynamic that formed our friendship.

Eventually, I became a little over-sincere and told her that I wanted us to be together. After a nice snog, she gently let me down. A few weeks later, she was in a new relationship and I saw her holding hands walking past my room. I fucking broke right down. Cried for about 10 nights, drove my mate crazy telling him how much I loved her. In my mind, she was perfect in every way; even though she had her faults - I twisted them and believed they were what gave her charm and character - I loved the way she laughed and the way she swore. I nearly got an erection when she slapped me propper fucking hard one time.

After several years, we lost contact until she turned up on facebook. We talked a bit but absolutely no part of me could remember why I liked her so much. I found virtually nothing about her attractive. Couldn't tell you what the fuck I'd been thinking - talk about rose tinted glasses. And likewise, it was no wonder she turned me down - I couldn't have been less her type if I tried.

[Flouncer]

The thing is she's in pretty deep with the current cunt. He has quite thoroughly proven himself to be a cunt by this point; he's a textbook narcissistic abuser who is extremely controlling - I have gone through this with her and every time she relates something that he's done I point out that it's not normal to treat someone like this... For example, they went to two different gigs together last year which they ended up leaving before the end, because he'd accused her of looking at some random bloke in the audience and started a row about it, when she wasn't doing anything of the sort and was just enjoying the gig. He's hit her several times, calls her a slag and accuses her of cheating... Fucking sickening stuff, but she loves him. When you've categorically told your friend what you think, advised them to leave the abuser, and they choose to continue the relationship, there's not much you can do beyond being there for them when things get bad.

They've tried to have a kid together as well - he's already got two kids that he doesn't see because his ex won't let him (I wonder why)... She wasn't able to conceive though, and although I feel really bad for her because she desperately wanted to be a mum, I'm glad it didn't happen with this cunt for obvious reasons. It's a token of how much she thinks of him, though. Fuck knows what she ever sees in these wankers - I don't want to seem bitter about it but she always ends up with these pond-life scumbags who don't deserve her; she devotes herself to them and invariably just gets abused in return. This is perhaps why I don't think it would work between us - she's literally never been in a relationship with someone who didn't treat her like shit. She's conditioned to accept it and I'm not sure how she'd react if someone actually respected her.

It's a right can of worms. Also there's the fact that I'm really unwell mentally these days, and if I ended my relationship then got rejected by her or it didn't work out for whatever reason, it could be devastating for me. Maybe at some point in the future when she's got rid of this arsehole... I don't know. As has been pointed out, we'd both have to be single and it would have to be for the right reasons.

After several years, we lost contact until she turned up on facebook. We talked a bit but absolutely no part of me could remember why I liked her so much. I found virtually nothing about her attractive. Couldn't tell you what the fuck I'd been thinking - talk about rose tinted glasses. And likewise, it was no wonder she turned me down - I couldn't have been less her type if I tried.

I've had crushes like this on people - it's only with the benefit of hindsight that you realise it was completely fucking ridiculous to even consider it a possibility, and you wonder how you could have been so deluded when it was staring you right in the face all along.

[Jockice]

I have a particular 'type' who I always get crushes on. I did go out with one of this type in my mid-20s for seven months, but I had a bit of a thing for them before even that. That sounds impersonal but I don't want to give away my secret. Let's just say its a combination of looks and behaviour.

Since then I can think of four of this type I really fancied (alongside several others who I quite fancied) two of whom I made a total tit of myself trying and failing to get in with, while with the other two only made a bit of a tit of myself with. There's only one of them I ever see nowadays and she's friendly to me, but I think that's because I managed to restrain myself before really making a tit of myself with her. And I'm taken now and she knows it so probably feels a bit safer talking to me nowadays.

However, I've also had crushes on some women who are not that type at all. The only time I sent an unsolicited love letter (in my very early 20s) to anyone it was to someone who was about as far from my usual type as it's possible to be. I've never fancied anyone like her before or since. She blew me out anyway, but still sends me Christmas cards these days, even though I haven't seen her for at least  a decade and haven't a clue what her current address is. Dunno if this is some sort of guilt on her behalf or if its because she actually still does have some affection for me.

[Gulftastic]

Christ, I'm glad I'm past all this kind of shit. There's a lass at my new work, and were I 20 years younger I know I'd develop a massive unrequited crush on her and drive myself nuts. Thankfully, I've got to the stage now where I can just accept that nothing could ever happen and I'll be alone till I die.

[wooders1978]

Fell well and truly hard for a work friend a few years back, married alas, but in a complicated relationship with, to coin mumsnet, "DH" who was, according to her, very controlling etc etc
I never told her how I felt coz she was married and that but in the end she ended up getting caught having an affair with one of the younger randos from the office - friend zoned, even when it came to revenge sex against DH
Should be glad really as rando ended up with a right old shiner

[grassbath]

Going to use this thread to offload seeing as I'm stewing about it this evening anyway. Please forgive me a bit of solipsism, offloading onto the cool, patient light blue walls of CaB. I have never really written any of this down, apart from a dissertation's worth of fraught online messaging with the person in question, which isn't really the same thing.

Basically I'm in a right mess at the mo, with the same person I started a thread about 18 months or so ago, under the guise of an 'office romances' discussion. (I don't work with her anymore.)

She is a kind, lovely person and extremely beautiful. I love her and care for her a lot, and she does me. In any normal situation we would be together and she has said as much, many times. But she is still coming out of a long (almost 10 year) relationship and living situation with someone, a relationship that was quite unconventional as adult relationships go. Extricating her life from this person's is proving complicated for a number of reasons and it would be stupid for us to just rush into it and get together. There is closure that needs to be had, conditions that need to be right, for us to have a go at it. She is making progress, but it is slow.

The problem is, we can't keep away from each other. We feel very comfortable around each other and invariably have a nice time together, until it becomes time to have 'the conversation' again and we go over the problems for the 10,000th time. Then we agree to try and have some distance and give each other space. Which is shit, and both of us hate it, because we want to be around each other, and so we fall into messaging each other and seeing each other again, and the whole daft painful cycle starts up anew. This exact process has been repeating itself for over a year.

The less diplomatic among my friends have told me that she's messing me around and using me as a comfort blanket, and I need to end it. And I can see their point, though it's easy for them to say - they aren't privy to the finer details of our relationship and the discussions we've had. I do believe that she loves me and wants me to be happy. But I also understand that it can't work at this present moment in time. It's just so fucking hard to walk away from it, when you like someone.

On top of this is the worry that if we got together, we'd eventually want different things anyway. I am in my mid-20s and have no intention of moving from my current city or starting a family any time soon. She is in her early-mid-30s and knows she wants to have kids, ideally abroad.

[Harley_Quim]

Never been in a relationship since... oh, 2008 - a whole fucking decade. Least you weren't a coward and took the chance when you had it even if it hasn't worked out. These days I just put pieces of fruit in sealed glasses and give them names :/

[bgmnts]

Never been in a relationship since... oh, 2008 - a whole fucking decade. Least you weren't a coward and took the chance when you had it even if it hasn't worked out. These days I just put pieces of fruit in sealed glasses and give them names :/

I havent been in one since 1992. I don't even have real fruit I just imagine fruit and give them names.

They always cheat on me in the end.

[Harley_Quim]

I havent been in one since 1992. I don't even have real fruit I just imagine fruit and give them names.

They always cheat on me in the end.

Mine never get the chance. They know their only real purpose is to degrade into various forms of mould and fungi that I can combine into a deadly nerve toxin to be released on the day of my choosing. I just need to figure out the correct formula then I'll show all of them!

[paruses]

Apart from the sinister turn the thread is taking re: bio-warfare this has all been very helpful, thanks.

I hope those of you who've got situations outside of my simple foolish-old-man problem have had a bit of catharsis too in being able to air them.

Carry on