Possible lovesickness

[Janie Jones]

The less diplomatic more insightful and truthful among my friends have told me that she's messing me around and using me as a comfort blanket, and I need to end it.

FTFY

[bgmnts]

She was a bit older than me, she'd had a string of relationships and had a contraceptive implanted into her arm because she liked a shag.

This is a gem.

[Harley_Quim]

Apart from the sinister turn the thread is taking re: bio-warfare this has all been very helpful, thanks.

I hope those of you who've got situations outside of my simple foolish-old-man problem have had a bit of catharsis too in being able to air them.

Carry on

Sorry about that - I tend to make light out of serious situations when I can't offer real advice - but you genuinely do have my sympathies and I hope you get rid of the blues soon :)

[paruses]

Sorry about that - I tend to make light out of serious situations when I can't offer real advice - but you genuinely do have my sympathies and I hope you get rid of the blues soon :)

No worries - tone didn't really carry through in my post: I appreciated yours.

I'm even getting some jars and fruit tomorrow.

[mr. logic]

Going to use this thread to offload seeing as I'm stewing about it this evening anyway. Please forgive me a bit of solipsism, offloading onto the cool, patient light blue walls of CaB. I have never really written any of this down, apart from a dissertation's worth of fraught online messaging with the person in question, which isn't really the same thing.

Basically I'm in a right mess at the mo, with the same person I started a thread about 18 months or so ago, under the guise of an 'office romances' discussion. (I don't work with her anymore.)

She is a kind, lovely person and extremely beautiful. I love her and care for her a lot, and she does me. In any normal situation we would be together and she has said as much, many times. But she is still coming out of a long (almost 10 year) relationship and living situation with someone, a relationship that was quite unconventional as adult relationships go. Extricating her life from this person's is proving complicated for a number of reasons and it would be stupid for us to just rush into it and get together. There is closure that needs to be had, conditions that need to be right, for us to have a go at it. She is making progress, but it is slow.

The problem is, we can't keep away from each other. We feel very comfortable around each other and invariably have a nice time together, until it becomes time to have 'the conversation' again and we go over the problems for the 10,000th time. Then we agree to try and have some distance and give each other space. Which is shit, and both of us hate it, because we want to be around each other, and so we fall into messaging each other and seeing each other again, and the whole daft painful cycle starts up anew. This exact process has been repeating itself for over a year.

The less diplomatic among my friends have told me that she's messing me around and using me as a comfort blanket, and I need to end it. And I can see their point, though it's easy for them to say - they aren't privy to the finer details of our relationship and the discussions we've had. I do believe that she loves me and wants me to be happy. But I also understand that it can't work at this present moment in time. It's just so fucking hard to walk away from it, when you like someone.

On top of this is the worry that if we got together, we'd eventually want different things anyway. I am in my mid-20s and have no intention of moving from my current city or starting a family any time soon. She is in her early-mid-30s and knows she wants to have kids, ideally abroad.

Has anything happened physically?

[Lost Oliver]

It's amazing isn't it. Pop songs you previously wouldn't have given the time of day to suddenly start making sense, every little action is tarnished by the thought and thoughts about them, you wake up in the morning and realise that that horrible thing that happened wasn't a dream, it actually happened to you and now you've got to live the rest of your life without them.

And then, months later, it's okay again. It hurts a little less and you become distracted by something or someone else.

These words will be of no comfort whatsoever but if it helps, this is a universal feeling and you will get through it. Here's a hug.

[grassbath]

FTFY

Fair dues. Wasn't criticising their POV incidentally - it's the way they went about it which I found undiplomatic and a little hurtful, but that's another story. Thanks for the no-nonsense advice, though I'm curious at which bit made you arrive at that conclusion!

Has anything happened physically?

Aye.

[jobotic]

Has anything happened physically?

I can only read is the voice of the woman who says "were there any sexual problems?".

[Janie Jones]

Thanks for the no-nonsense advice, though I'm curious at which bit made you arrive at that conclusion!

1. The age difference. She's 33 ish and wants kids, so realistically that's in the next 5 years. You're a lot younger and have different plans for the next 5 years.
2. You refer delicately to the difficulties she has 'extricating' herself from a 10 year relationship; she's still shagging her partner, grassbath. You can say 'it's complicated...' till you're blue in the face but if she wanted to be with you, and not him, she would be. Obviously you're a lovely man whom she fancies and very much enjoys having in her life but listen to your friends, she's jerking you around, possibly unintentionally but this is not a good situation for you to be in. 

[grassbath]

1. The age difference. She's 33 ish and wants kids, so realistically that's in the next 5 years. You're a lot younger and have different plans for the next 5 years.
2. You refer delicately to the difficulties she has 'extricating' herself from a 10 year relationship; she's still shagging her partner, grassbath. You can say 'it's complicated...' till you're blue in the face but if she wanted to be with you, and not him, she would be. Obviously you're a lovely man whom she fancies and very much enjoys having in her life but listen to your friends, she's jerking you around, possibly unintentionally but this is not a good situation for you to be in.

They're not shagging, never have. That's (one of) the unconventional thing (s) about their relationship. Though your point still stands really.

[checkoutgirl]

They're not shagging, never have. That's (one of) the unconventional thing (s) about their relationship.

I'm speechless.

[Nola Carveth]

I tell you this - whoever said it's like doing a wee inside a lady has caused me a lot of problems.

I Lold

<3

[Better Midlands]

Going to use this thread to offload seeing as I'm stewing about it this evening anyway. Please forgive me a bit of solipsism, offloading onto the cool, patient light blue walls of CaB. I have never really written any of this down, apart from a dissertation's worth of fraught online messaging with the person in question, which isn't really the same thing.

Basically I'm in a right mess at the mo, with the same person I started a thread about 18 months or so ago, under the guise of an 'office romances' discussion. (I don't work with her anymore.)

She is a kind, lovely person and extremely beautiful. I love her and care for her a lot, and she does me. In any normal situation we would be together and she has said as much, many times. But she is still coming out of a long (almost 10 year) relationship and living situation with someone, a relationship that was quite unconventional as adult relationships go. Extricating her life from this person's is proving complicated for a number of reasons and it would be stupid for us to just rush into it and get together. There is closure that needs to be had, conditions that need to be right, for us to have a go at it. She is making progress, but it is slow.

The problem is, we can't keep away from each other. We feel very comfortable around each other and invariably have a nice time together, until it becomes time to have 'the conversation' again and we go over the problems for the 10,000th time. Then we agree to try and have some distance and give each other space. Which is shit, and both of us hate it, because we want to be around each other, and so we fall into messaging each other and seeing each other again, and the whole daft painful cycle starts up anew. This exact process has been repeating itself for over a year.

The less diplomatic among my friends have told me that she's messing me around and using me as a comfort blanket, and I need to end it. And I can see their point, though it's easy for them to say - they aren't privy to the finer details of our relationship and the discussions we've had. I do believe that she loves me and wants me to be happy. But I also understand that it can't work at this present moment in time. It's just so fucking hard to walk away from it, when you like someone.

On top of this is the worry that if we got together, we'd eventually want different things anyway. I am in my mid-20s and have no intention of moving from my current city or starting a family any time soon. She is in her early-mid-30s and knows she wants to have kids, ideally abroad.

My instincts are screaming get the fuck away from this.

[paruses]

My instincts are screaming get the fuck away from this.

I am inclined to agree. But I know what grassbath means about being hard to walk away and I really feel for him.

My situation is hardly comparable but I had a message from her last night. I had deleted the current chat thread and muted her and even got down to checking for a message about once a day and even then pretending that it was just to see if the phone was still working. Then last night her name was there and the little blue light was on. I debated not opening it but that was never going to happen so delayed but at least 15 minutes. It said Hi. I said Hi back then there was a bit of back and forth. She was feeling a low and I think wanted me to boost her up a bit. There was some vague "I miss you" message and vibe but I did my best to try and be neutral.

Problem is that it's now kicked off those thoughts that I'd started to let go about staying in contact and what she's doing and all that.

And the other thing is I don't want to be spending my time hanging around on the off chance she needs a pick me up but at the same time there's a bit of me that won't let go. Even now I'm thinking should I just send a "how are you today" message to keep things alive but at the same time know it's picking a scab; a great smelling scab with great hair.

Gah!

[drummersaredeaf]

The smells are the worst in my book. I am mostly through the back of getting over a relationship that was fairly lopsided. With someone that was adamant that she wasn't selfish, or wanting everything on her terms, and was totally cold and robotic - with all the right answers when I said I felt like I was getting picked up and put down like a fucking vibrator when she needed a fix. I decided I had taken leave of my dignity for too long and fucked it off, and then comes all the pleading and that and you wonder if you've been reading it all wrong.

Then a year later you get a whiff of shampoo, perfume, detergent, and are mentally right back in the enjoyable moments thinking about your bell end rotating while she's squeezing your balls to change settings. And it's off for a load of supermarket car park food and self-loathing.

I was right to fuck it all off though. The right person doesn't treat you like a cunt then spoon feed you lukewarm shit when you pick them up on it.

[QDRPHNC]

Isn't the whole point of having a mid-life crisis and dating someone half your age  to avoid all this emotional turmoil? Mate, you're doing middle age wrong.

[Pdine]

My instincts are screaming get the fuck away from this.

Exactly. In fact I'm pre-emptively friend-zoning everyone who has posted in this thread, except the ones who were friends already, whom I'll ghost, and if there were any ghosts, I suppose I'll be forced to bust them.

[paruses]

Isn't the whole point of having a mid-life crisis and dating someone half your age  to avoid all this emotional turmoil? Mate, you're doing middle age wrong.

Well, that's what I was lead to believe but it turns out it's even more stressful than being with someone who is as jaded an cynical as I am. I thought it would be like 90210 or at least early Hollyoaks.

I just hope I'm not going to regret the full sleeve tats I had done to impress her.

[QDRPHNC]

Well, that's what I was lead to believe but it turns out it's even more stressful than being with someone who is as jaded an cynical as I am. I thought it would be like 90210 or at least early Hollyoaks.

I just hope I'm not going to regret the full sleeve tats I had done to impress her.

I can't really talk, I'm doing the same thing. Hasn't gone bad yet though. I had the foresight to get my sleeve done in my 20s tbf.

[gib]

They're not shagging, never have.

How come?

[QDRPHNC]

I'm speechless.

Me too. Although I was having coffee with a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a while, and she was telling me she met this guy on Tinder three months ago, they've got really close, he spends most of his time at her place, he's lovely, very affectionate, etc., but they haven't slept together and she hasn't even seen his dong! And they just sort of don't talk about it, even though she finds this a little strange.

If I were the man in that situation, I don't know how I would negotiate it. Fair enough if he's asexual or he's got weird nuts, but wouldn't you at least feel some need to address it the further enmeshed you get in someone elses' life?

[Better Midlands]

I think she wanted me to boost her up a bit.

It's this, for you and grassbath.

I wouldn't believe the bit about not shagging either.

[Pdine]

I wouldn't believe the bit about not shagging either.

It's not that uncommon. I heard about this bloke who was asexual because he had two cocks and could never decide which one to use. It's like the donkey that can't decide which bail of hay to fuck.

[Better Midlands]

It's not that uncommon. I heard about this bloke who was asexual because he had two cocks and could never decide which one to use. It's like the donkey that can't decide which bail of hay to fuck.

In the context of his post it's a red flag (not the only one either)

[Huxleys Babkins]

It's this, for you and grassbath.

I wouldn't believe the bit about not shagging either.

Yup. Both being used as an emotional crutch.

You can't lure someone out of a relationship when you're an emotional crutch because you're the missing piece of that relationship. You're filling in for the shit they need that their partner can't do; the emotional heavy work. None of the fun bits. No shagging, no dates, no cherished memories. Just picking up the pieces of a person someone else has broken.

I've been there. Did my head in so I had to get out so I made my excuses, made myself busy. Without the emotional support she couldn't cope so she eventually dumped him, but I wasn't first in the queue. Wasn't even on the shortlist. Ended up with another arsehole, obviously, because that's her type. Within a month she wants to talk because he's cheating on her so I made myself busy again.

[Lost Oliver]

^ I like this post. And keeping busy or creating stuff is the best way to get through. Still hurts like fuck but it's better than the alternative. That's probably advice for life in general too. If you stop to think about it it's bloody awful.

[Isnt Anything]

With someone that was adamant that she wasn't selfish, or wanting everything on her terms, and was totally cold and robotic - with all the right answers when I said I felt like I was getting picked up and put down like a fucking vibrator when she needed a fix. I decided I had taken leave of my dignity for too long and fucked it off, and then comes all the pleading and that and you wonder if you've been reading it all wrong.

Yeah i know that one

i honestly think they dont realise how selfish theyre being or what should be normal in a healthy sexual relationship.

clue - lying back and letting you do all the work every time while hardly ever bothering to do anything in return is not it

I think if you showed them footage of how other people do sex theyd be genuinely shocked and surprised.

I was right to fuck it all off though. The right person doesn't treat you like a cunt then spoon feed you lukewarm shit when you pick them up on it.

Yeah, say it loud.

[Isnt Anything]

Also, top post by Huxley there.

[grassbath]

How come?

They just never have. She says it's always been like living with her best friend, but she's expected to abide by the rules of a relationship. Maybe he's gay, or asexual, but he keeps it under wraps, refuses to open up about it. That this is obviously a very unhealthy setup is why she's in this situation now.

For those of you who reckon she's lying - she's not. Despite how it might seem, we are very close and I do take her at her word. I've heard too much about the details of this, plus stuff through her friends and other people that she knew before me, to think that she's not telling the truth.

I am inclined to agree. But I know what grassbath means about being hard to walk away and I really feel for him.

Thanks man, especially because I've just waded into your thread without a word of advice and made it all about myself. Best of luck leaving that scab unpicked! I know I'm obviously not the best person to listen to on the subject, but I would say: if you know that she's messaged you just because she wants a pick-me-up, you're right to feel angry and messed around. Channel those emotions, they might be useful later. And make the most of the rush of endorphins that you're getting from all those stupid shallow pop songs - later down the line, they'll just be stupid shallow pop songs again. (Though you'll also be looking back and thinking 'thank god I sacked that off,' so it's a win-win really.)

[drummersaredeaf]

Yeah i know that one

i honestly think they dont realise how selfish theyre being or what should be normal in a healthy sexual relationship.

clue - lying back and letting you do all the work every time while hardly ever bothering to do anything in return is not it

I think if you showed them footage of how other people do sex theyd be genuinely shocked and surprised.


Yeah, say it loud.

Oh, mine was much more of a head fuck than that. The sex was reasonably good and that wasn't the selfishness. It was making appointments to see each other which was only ever when she was free. And if I wasn't at her beck and call then I'd never see her. And there were a number of times when she'd say she's coming over a few days in advance and cancel that evening while I'd been sat hungry waiting to eat with her.

She was obviously terrified of intimacy. There were a few red flags early on which I won't bore you with, but whenever we were getting close she'd push me away. And it changed the dynamic with her giving a running commentary of how she was downgrading our relationship - after 2 months 'you need to know that this is finite'. A month later she says she hasn't got the mental, physical, or emotional space for me but will have casual sex. Two months later and I have enough of the bullshit and decide I'm done then all of a sudden she's decided things are different and I should have talked to her. And she's furious that the week before I had gone back on internet dating and had the feelers out.

A woman that was both terrified of intimacy and unable to handle casual sex. I was called a player, a pig, and a coward for not arranging a conversation prior to making my decision. Yet all along whenever I'd tried to talk to her about her actions it was always 'can't you just accept it for what it is?'.

I've been troubling myself since as to whether I should have ridden it out, but alarms were going off non stop past a certain point and it was a huge relief to finally extract myself from the games. It was like I was an intimacy on demand service. She wanted 100% of a boyfriend every 2 weeks or so. Not just physically, but emotionally, and was then able to switch off. Even immediately prior to me calling time she was saying it wasn't a relationship, it wasn't dating, it was 'hanging out', or more concerning 'nothing'.

Reading this back it does make me think my regrets say more about my mental health this last 12 months than me making the wrong decision.